Title: You Can't Choose Your Relatives
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
A/N: I know I promised a DADA fic, and it will come after this one. After much pursual of new material to parody, I felt I must address those horrid Snape's daughter cliches as soon as humanly possible. I promise the DADA will be after this one. In the meantime, enjoy, and thanks to all who read and appreciate my warped sense of humor. And now...
The doors opened and in sweeps a tall, thin, beautiful girl with long black hair, blue eyes, pale skin, blood red lips, and Stevie Nicks attire, minus the tambourine.
"Hello all. I am Raven Nightingale Snape, and I'm transferring from Transexual Transylvania. Yes, this means I am Snape's daughter."
"Holy shit! Snape actually got laid?" choked Ron.
"Moreso than you do in these godawful fics, Weasley. Now, Raven, go and sit at Gryffindor table so the tension between us can begin," directed Snape.
"Fifty Galleons says she's had a nose job," whispered Hermione. "I mean, a nose like Snape's has to be a dominant trait."
Headmaster Dumbledore arose. " A few words, if you please. Let us welcome our newest and only student this year, Miss Raven Nightingale Snape, who has only met her father two days ago at a bar in Dublin. Severus tried to solicate her for sex, you see."
"I thought she was my dead wife come back just in time for happy hour," snapped Snape, "It could happen to anyone!"
"And now for a few words from our very own sorting hat." said Dumbledore.
The sorting hat quickly extinguished a joint and drew itself up regally. "Yes, Snape's daughter is indeed Gryffindor material because she's not a conniving bitch, nor is she a book-oriented Ravenclaw. If I placed her in Hufflepuff, Snape would commit suicide and we'd have no story. So, Gryffindor it is! Man, this is some good shit I bought in Knockturn Alley."
"Uh, hi," greeted Harry to Snape's daughter as she sat next to the famous trio. "I feel sorry for you already. Snape's a real asshole."
"Harry, this is his daughter! Show a little respect."
"Oh, that's okay, Hermione. Actually, daddy's not so bad once he's had a couple of whiskeys. He does a great reinactment of Hannibal Lector psychoanalyzing Jodie Foster's character."
The whole table stared at her.
"That's seriously fucked up," said Dean Thomas.
"Who's Hannibal Lecter?" asked Ron.
"You're really hot in a living dead girl kind of way," Harry told Raven.
"Sorry, Harry, but I like older men. That Sirius Black's a sex god."
"I heard that!" snarled Snape, sweeping over and glaring at all the boys with only one pair of eyes. "If I catch any of you near my daughter, I will draw and quarter you all. Raven, I am very disappointed in you! Fifteen generations of Snape's have been in Slytherin and you've broken the chain of command!"
"I hate you, daddy! You were never there for me! I'm glad mummy left you for that dancing mime instructer! And now I'm going to faint for no good reason!"
Snape rolls his eyes. "She does this all the time. Something to do with a psychic link to Voldemort. Longbottom, if that's an erection I see-"
"B-But Professor, your daughter looks so beautiful with those long inky eyelashes and blood red lips. You're the one who tried to solicate her."
"I was drunk!"
Raven sat up. "Sorry 'bout that. Harry, I think your life may be in danger. Oh, Daddy, do the Quid Pro Quo bit from The Silence of the Lambs. I'll be Clarice."
Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged looks.
"Snape and his daughter have a very unnerving relationship," stated Hermione.
Sometime later in potions...
EXPLOSION!!!
Raven cringes. "Whoops."
Snape stalked over, his black robes flaring. Overall, he resembles Johnny Depp's character's father in Sleepy Hollow, minus the wig..
"You suck at potions, too! I'm about this far from disowning you, Raven!"
"Too-much-pressure!" gasps Raven and goes into convulsions.
Because he has nothing better to do, Snape lights up a cigarette, disrobes, and does the Cauldron Kiddle, a sprightly little dance, indeed. Lost, Harry turns to Hermione.
"Why isn't my scar hurting when she has fits?"
"Because we're the secondary characters in this, Harry."
"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry I yelled at you, Raven! Parenting is damnably hard work." Snape lights up another cigarette.
Raven hops up. "Daddy, I had a vision..."
"Here we go," groans Ron.
"Shut up!" yell Snape and Raven.
"Daddy, someone is going to die."
"I hope you're not going to blame me for that as well."
Raven turned to Harry. "You were right. My dad's a real asshole."
"And you are my daughter, so that makes you 50 percent asshole, at least,"retorted Snape, lighting yet another cigarette.
Snape's dead wife now appears. How does Snape get such beautiful women in bed with him? Must be that greasy hair; it emits that seductive Snapish scent that turns women ito lust-crazed sexual beastesses.
"Raven, give into your assholishness. You are a true Snape. Oh, and Voldemort will be arriving in T-minus 5 minutes. Oh, and Severus?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Put your robes back on."
"No, dear."
Snape's dead wife grinned lecherously. "That's my sexy Severus! Rooooowrrrr!"
Harry turned to Ron.
"I'm not sure if I'm mentally scarred or not." Voldemort beams down from some distant parallel universe that allows him inside Hogwarts. Harry clamps his hands over his forehead. "My scar!" He then topples over.
Raven pours a goblet of wine and begins to dance.
"Die! Die! Die! Die! We're all going to die!"
"You are one warped child," laughes the naked Snape with much amusement, lighting a cigarette.
"Behold!" shouts Voldemort and Avada Kadavra's Raven, despite the fact that Harry is a prime target, rolling on the floor in immense agony.
Neville: Oh my god! You killed Raven!
Draco: You bastard!
Laughing, Voldemort then turns to Snape and says, "More angst for your money, Severus. You must retain your position of my most miserable and tormented Death Eater of all time. Fatherhood really doesn't suit you anyhow. Aren't you going to go overly-dramatic on us now?"
Snape's black eyes turn red cuz it looks really bitchin'.
"No," he growls in a demonic voice, "I am going to go Medieval on your scaly ass!" The Sheriff of Nottingham runs in with his gorgeous, glowing zircon encrusted tweezers. He grins lecherously. "Get out of here! I didn't mean it like that!" shouts Snape.
Disappointed, the Sheriff lowers his sparkling zircon encrusted tweezers. He looks down.
"Who's the girl?"
"My daughter. Now leave."
"Can I take her along?"
"She is dead, you fool!"
"I know that."
Snape goes bullistic. "Get out of here, you deranged pervert!"
"Nudistic twit," mutters the Sheriff, exiting.
Harry sat up. "Okay, now I'm definitely mentally scarred."
Hermione looked at Snape. "Professor, aren't you upset about you daughter?"
Snape lights up, yes, another cigarette. "As much whoring as I've done in my short life, I'm bound to have another one running around somewhere."
"Good point," conceeds the logical Hermione.
Ron frowns. "Well, this was a complete waste of time. Where the hell did You-Know-Who go?"
Everyone shrugs and Voldemorts abrupt disappearance is never explained because it's assumed he just left because everything is just fine now.
Raven abruptly sits up. "Not so, Weasley. You didn't really think a simple Avada Kadavra curse could kill off a Snape so easily, did you?"
"Well then how did your mother die?" Harry wanted to know.
Raven looked very grim. "That's a case of a good mime gone bad."
The children shudder.
"Daddy, aren't we going to bond now?"
"Right." Snape lights a cigarette, clears his throat, and..."Hello, Clariiiiiiiiiice."
"Oh, daddy, do the fava beans part!"
Hermione looks at Harry and Ron.
"I'm going to sign myself up for psychotherapy now. Care to join me?"
As the children exit the dungeon and walk down the corridor, they pass a sheet of parchment tacked to the wall...
Have you been humiliated? Are you angry? Does the thought of revenge give you an erection? If so, call the Sheriff. No job too small. The Sheriff's patented, one of a kind Zircon Encrusted Tweezers are guaranteed to provide hours of excruciating torture to the victim of your choice.
The Sheriff is on call day or night, seven days a week. The Sheriff is also a free-lance whore monger. If you are just plain horny, stop on by. FEMALES ONLY!!! Bring a friend.
~FIN~
Kudos to those who spot the line I borrowed from an Alan Rickman movie, other than the obvious Robin Hood references. The Sheriff does not belong to me, unfortunately. The zircon encrusted tweezers are the brainchild of the late, great Frank Zappa, courtesy of his brilliant song, Montana.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
A/N: I know I promised a DADA fic, and it will come after this one. After much pursual of new material to parody, I felt I must address those horrid Snape's daughter cliches as soon as humanly possible. I promise the DADA will be after this one. In the meantime, enjoy, and thanks to all who read and appreciate my warped sense of humor. And now...
The doors opened and in sweeps a tall, thin, beautiful girl with long black hair, blue eyes, pale skin, blood red lips, and Stevie Nicks attire, minus the tambourine.
"Hello all. I am Raven Nightingale Snape, and I'm transferring from Transexual Transylvania. Yes, this means I am Snape's daughter."
"Holy shit! Snape actually got laid?" choked Ron.
"Moreso than you do in these godawful fics, Weasley. Now, Raven, go and sit at Gryffindor table so the tension between us can begin," directed Snape.
"Fifty Galleons says she's had a nose job," whispered Hermione. "I mean, a nose like Snape's has to be a dominant trait."
Headmaster Dumbledore arose. " A few words, if you please. Let us welcome our newest and only student this year, Miss Raven Nightingale Snape, who has only met her father two days ago at a bar in Dublin. Severus tried to solicate her for sex, you see."
"I thought she was my dead wife come back just in time for happy hour," snapped Snape, "It could happen to anyone!"
"And now for a few words from our very own sorting hat." said Dumbledore.
The sorting hat quickly extinguished a joint and drew itself up regally. "Yes, Snape's daughter is indeed Gryffindor material because she's not a conniving bitch, nor is she a book-oriented Ravenclaw. If I placed her in Hufflepuff, Snape would commit suicide and we'd have no story. So, Gryffindor it is! Man, this is some good shit I bought in Knockturn Alley."
"Uh, hi," greeted Harry to Snape's daughter as she sat next to the famous trio. "I feel sorry for you already. Snape's a real asshole."
"Harry, this is his daughter! Show a little respect."
"Oh, that's okay, Hermione. Actually, daddy's not so bad once he's had a couple of whiskeys. He does a great reinactment of Hannibal Lector psychoanalyzing Jodie Foster's character."
The whole table stared at her.
"That's seriously fucked up," said Dean Thomas.
"Who's Hannibal Lecter?" asked Ron.
"You're really hot in a living dead girl kind of way," Harry told Raven.
"Sorry, Harry, but I like older men. That Sirius Black's a sex god."
"I heard that!" snarled Snape, sweeping over and glaring at all the boys with only one pair of eyes. "If I catch any of you near my daughter, I will draw and quarter you all. Raven, I am very disappointed in you! Fifteen generations of Snape's have been in Slytherin and you've broken the chain of command!"
"I hate you, daddy! You were never there for me! I'm glad mummy left you for that dancing mime instructer! And now I'm going to faint for no good reason!"
Snape rolls his eyes. "She does this all the time. Something to do with a psychic link to Voldemort. Longbottom, if that's an erection I see-"
"B-But Professor, your daughter looks so beautiful with those long inky eyelashes and blood red lips. You're the one who tried to solicate her."
"I was drunk!"
Raven sat up. "Sorry 'bout that. Harry, I think your life may be in danger. Oh, Daddy, do the Quid Pro Quo bit from The Silence of the Lambs. I'll be Clarice."
Harry, Ron and Hermione exchanged looks.
"Snape and his daughter have a very unnerving relationship," stated Hermione.
Sometime later in potions...
EXPLOSION!!!
Raven cringes. "Whoops."
Snape stalked over, his black robes flaring. Overall, he resembles Johnny Depp's character's father in Sleepy Hollow, minus the wig..
"You suck at potions, too! I'm about this far from disowning you, Raven!"
"Too-much-pressure!" gasps Raven and goes into convulsions.
Because he has nothing better to do, Snape lights up a cigarette, disrobes, and does the Cauldron Kiddle, a sprightly little dance, indeed. Lost, Harry turns to Hermione.
"Why isn't my scar hurting when she has fits?"
"Because we're the secondary characters in this, Harry."
"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry I yelled at you, Raven! Parenting is damnably hard work." Snape lights up another cigarette.
Raven hops up. "Daddy, I had a vision..."
"Here we go," groans Ron.
"Shut up!" yell Snape and Raven.
"Daddy, someone is going to die."
"I hope you're not going to blame me for that as well."
Raven turned to Harry. "You were right. My dad's a real asshole."
"And you are my daughter, so that makes you 50 percent asshole, at least,"retorted Snape, lighting yet another cigarette.
Snape's dead wife now appears. How does Snape get such beautiful women in bed with him? Must be that greasy hair; it emits that seductive Snapish scent that turns women ito lust-crazed sexual beastesses.
"Raven, give into your assholishness. You are a true Snape. Oh, and Voldemort will be arriving in T-minus 5 minutes. Oh, and Severus?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Put your robes back on."
"No, dear."
Snape's dead wife grinned lecherously. "That's my sexy Severus! Rooooowrrrr!"
Harry turned to Ron.
"I'm not sure if I'm mentally scarred or not." Voldemort beams down from some distant parallel universe that allows him inside Hogwarts. Harry clamps his hands over his forehead. "My scar!" He then topples over.
Raven pours a goblet of wine and begins to dance.
"Die! Die! Die! Die! We're all going to die!"
"You are one warped child," laughes the naked Snape with much amusement, lighting a cigarette.
"Behold!" shouts Voldemort and Avada Kadavra's Raven, despite the fact that Harry is a prime target, rolling on the floor in immense agony.
Neville: Oh my god! You killed Raven!
Draco: You bastard!
Laughing, Voldemort then turns to Snape and says, "More angst for your money, Severus. You must retain your position of my most miserable and tormented Death Eater of all time. Fatherhood really doesn't suit you anyhow. Aren't you going to go overly-dramatic on us now?"
Snape's black eyes turn red cuz it looks really bitchin'.
"No," he growls in a demonic voice, "I am going to go Medieval on your scaly ass!" The Sheriff of Nottingham runs in with his gorgeous, glowing zircon encrusted tweezers. He grins lecherously. "Get out of here! I didn't mean it like that!" shouts Snape.
Disappointed, the Sheriff lowers his sparkling zircon encrusted tweezers. He looks down.
"Who's the girl?"
"My daughter. Now leave."
"Can I take her along?"
"She is dead, you fool!"
"I know that."
Snape goes bullistic. "Get out of here, you deranged pervert!"
"Nudistic twit," mutters the Sheriff, exiting.
Harry sat up. "Okay, now I'm definitely mentally scarred."
Hermione looked at Snape. "Professor, aren't you upset about you daughter?"
Snape lights up, yes, another cigarette. "As much whoring as I've done in my short life, I'm bound to have another one running around somewhere."
"Good point," conceeds the logical Hermione.
Ron frowns. "Well, this was a complete waste of time. Where the hell did You-Know-Who go?"
Everyone shrugs and Voldemorts abrupt disappearance is never explained because it's assumed he just left because everything is just fine now.
Raven abruptly sits up. "Not so, Weasley. You didn't really think a simple Avada Kadavra curse could kill off a Snape so easily, did you?"
"Well then how did your mother die?" Harry wanted to know.
Raven looked very grim. "That's a case of a good mime gone bad."
The children shudder.
"Daddy, aren't we going to bond now?"
"Right." Snape lights a cigarette, clears his throat, and..."Hello, Clariiiiiiiiiice."
"Oh, daddy, do the fava beans part!"
Hermione looks at Harry and Ron.
"I'm going to sign myself up for psychotherapy now. Care to join me?"
As the children exit the dungeon and walk down the corridor, they pass a sheet of parchment tacked to the wall...
Have you been humiliated? Are you angry? Does the thought of revenge give you an erection? If so, call the Sheriff. No job too small. The Sheriff's patented, one of a kind Zircon Encrusted Tweezers are guaranteed to provide hours of excruciating torture to the victim of your choice.
The Sheriff is on call day or night, seven days a week. The Sheriff is also a free-lance whore monger. If you are just plain horny, stop on by. FEMALES ONLY!!! Bring a friend.
~FIN~
Kudos to those who spot the line I borrowed from an Alan Rickman movie, other than the obvious Robin Hood references. The Sheriff does not belong to me, unfortunately. The zircon encrusted tweezers are the brainchild of the late, great Frank Zappa, courtesy of his brilliant song, Montana.