Title: Those Damnable Damsel-In-Distress Scenarios
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: Check with J.K. Rowling. I own all rights to my own twisted visions of Snape in less than pants. I particularly have a fetish that involves him in a long black robe and absolutely nothing underneath it. And it makes me wonder...
Hermione was reading aboard the Hogwarts Express when Neville burst into the compartment.
"Have you seen Trevor? I lost him just so I could come in here and ask you that."
Hermione sighed and said, "You're so expendable, Neville."
"I know. Bye!"
Neville left because he is such a useless character in fanfiction, unless you run across one of those eerie Neville/Snape slash fics. Seconds later, the door slid open again and in marched burly, beefcake Ron, now with double the testosterone.
"What were you doing with Neville, you slut?" demanded he.
Hermione's beautiful tea-colored eyes widened.
"Excuse me?" spoke she. "He just-"
"You lying bitch hound! You insolent ass clown!" cried Ron.
Ron proceeded to beat Hermione against the wall like a rug because, for a reason that is never explained, Ron is Hogwarts new number one asshole.
"Ouch! Eeeee! Ow! That hurts! Stop it! Yow! That hurt-I think! Oh-my hair!"
Ten minutes later, big bad Ron storms off, leaving the dainty and lovely Hermione bruised and with a bloody nose, thought by all rights she should be dead.
Being the clever sort, Hermione performs a series of charms to mask the blood and bruises and to restore her now non-frizzy curls to glossy perfection.. Right on que, Harry Potter, athelete-extroidinaire, walks in.
"Hello, Hermione. Have you seen Ron?"
"Uh-no?"
"Okay. I'll go look for him. By the bye, I think you've advanced another cup size over the unbelievably short summer holiday. That puts you right at a 36 DD. Congratulations, Hermione!"
Thank you, Harry."
Harry leaves. Ron storms in.
"What were you doing with Harry?" he demands, cracking his knuckles.
"Here we go again," sighes damsel-in-distress/bookwormish Hermione.
On the way to Transfiguration...
"Hey Mudblood! Lookin' good!"
"Oh fuck off, Malfoy,"grumbles Hermione.
"Okay." Malfoy walks off, unconcerned.
'Wow,' thinks Hermione, 'Malfoy's changed. He's so nice! So different than Ron. So handsome, too. That long silver-blond hair. Those dreamy gray eyes.' And what unrealistically glorious muscles Malfoy had, courtesy of his Seeker skills. Hermione sighed.
"I saw you looking at Malfoy!" growled Ron, running over to her. "There will be a punishment for that after class. Now, hold my hand and smile so that everyone will envy our relationship."
"Yes."
"Yes, what? You miserably modest slut? I must make the readers loathe me"
"Yes, master Ron."
"Damn straight!"
The lovely, lonely Hermione blinked back tears as she forced herself to smile. Ron's tight grip around her 17 inch waist made her feel faint. Hermione did not want him to touch her. Not she! To add even more drama to this horrific plot, the author will now have young Ginny Weasley skipping by singing Britany Spears' "Lucky Girl". Oh! This is most heart wrenching!
Transfiguration came and went with lightening speed. Ron then hurried Hermione to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, transfigured his feet into cloven hooves, and proceeded to stamp on her. Moaning Myrtle looked on, giggling. Miraculously, Hermione's frail back was not broken, nor were her insides squashed. Crying, she got to her feet and reapplied her makeup just in time for Potions.
Snape makes a grand entrance in one of those long, black leather costumes from the Matrix trilogy. Excuse me while I bask in the sexiness of the thought. Removing his slick shades, Snape partners everyone up to make an Instant Sobriety Potion. For no good reason other than a clever plot device, Snape pairs up Hermine and Malfoy while Ron glares. Oh no! This surely must mean more punishment is in store for our beloved, big-busted Hermione.
"Wow, Malfoy. You're really good at brewing potions. I was so wrong about you," said Hermione, in awe of Malfoy's awesomeness at making potions.
"Call me Draco. You are interesting to talk to. You are also pretty. May I carry your books after class, Granger?"
"Oh! I would love for you to, but, alas, I'm with asshole Ron."
"Speaking of Weasley, he's giving us the most dirtiest looks, he is. Hey, is that a bruise I see on your temple, Granger?"
"Uh-no?"
"I don't believe you, but I'll let it pass for now. Why don't you watch me practice for Quidditch this evening, Granger?"
"Okay. I'll lie to Ron and say I'm going to study in the library. After he catches me emerging from the Quidditch stadium, he'll pummel me mercilessly in full view of everyone, including the professors and the Headmaster. That will be your chance to prove your undying love for me!" exclaims Hermione, now even more radiently beautiful at the thought of infidelity. She could be just like Diane Lane in "Unfaithful".
Malfoy-I mean Draco, smiled.
"It's a date, then. Hooray!"
"Watch this!" orders Snape, and does one of those cool Matrix maneuvers where he pauses in mid-air. In the background, Captain Jack Sparrow skies by drinking a bottle o rum and cackling madness to his beloved hat.
Hermione and Draco bond during Draco's Quidditch practice. They fly around the castle on Draco's broom singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. In the background, Snape and Captain Jack Sparrow are doing backflips and headstands while updating the Hogwarts computer system. The Captain drinks more rum.
In a dream, Hermione floats back toward Gryffindor tower.
"You sheep whore!" yells Ron, jerking sweet Hermione back to the ground. "I saw you flying around the castle and singing with Malfoy. You have publicly shamed me. Now you shall pay!"
"Oh no, Ron! Please! Please don't use the barbed wire on me!"
"Take that, you trampish tart! And that!" Ron beats Hermione aplenty in full view of everyone, including the professors and the Headmaster. Captain Jack Sparrow looks on, drinking his rum.
Ron is about to stuff Hermione into a barrel lined with rusted nails when Draco zooms by on his stick flying pogo stick with Giger detailing.
"Unhand her, you baffoon," orders Draco.
Ron, suddenly wearing a black cape and a black tophat, produces a magic rapier. Her pushes the sobbing Hermione to the ground, downs an economy size jug of rum (to the astoundment of Captain Jack Sparrow), and goes after Draco.
Draco, now wearing white tights, a baby blue ruffled shirt, a flowing white cape and white leather boots, produces a handsome light saber. Jareth the Goblin King stalks over and threatens to flog Malfoy for stealing one of his outfits.
"I lent it to him for some drug money," shouts a very pretty girl with long dark hair, and takes off on Draco's magic pogo stick.
"Wait up there, lass," slurs Captain Jack Sparrow, and stumbles prettily after the pretty dark-haired girl.
Jareth pops a couple of Ephedra and chases after the pirate and the pretty girl.
"Now you will have to fight me without your precious pogo stick of power, Malfoy!" jeers Ron, trying to get his fake black beard to stick to his face.
"En garde!" shouts Draco and they have a chivalrous swordfight on the castle wall. It just drips of Medieval romanticism.
"Oh help! Help!" shrieks helpless Hermione, now clad in a Galadriel-type dress.
Haldir of Lothlorien rides up and frowns at Hermione.
"You have donned the clothes of the Lady of the Wood without her consent. This does not bode well. Try these."
Haldir snaps his fingers and Hermione is now clad in a sparkling dress similar to the ones used during the glamorous dance routines in the movie "Chicago". Draco and Ron are now wearing snazzy, sequiny coat-and-tails. The three dance. The ridiculous stupidity of the whole thing is not to be believed.
"Why are we doing this?" asked Hermione as Ron lifts her above his head.
The two boys shrug, tap dance, punch each other, then do a dazzling pirouette while Hermione leaps forward with her arms out and shouts, "Yeah!" for no good reason other than the fact that any dance routine can end with that one word.
It is now night. Snape walks by wearing a fishnet bodysuit, tattered black robes, and enormous combat boots, playing a kick ass number on his electric guitar. Captain Jack Sparrow soon follows, dressed in blood red robes and a black mesh turtleneck over his usual pirate attire.
"The burning passion sears my tainted soul with fiiiiiiiiiiiiire, savvvvey?" shrieks Captain Jack Sparrow into a microphone.
"Let's get this over with." says Malfoy. "Hermione and I love each other, Weasley. You cannot come between us."
"That's right, Ron. I have given my heart to Draco even though I'm only thirteen."
"I am now going to turn completely evil and join forces with Voldemort. Good day!"
Off Ron stomps.
Hermione rushes into Draco's arms, nearly suffocating him with her enormous breasts that have quadrupled in size since the beginning of the story.
"Oh, Draco! What a clever twist in the plot. I knew Ron was a dirty bastard, but to join forces with Voldemort! Oh! How tragic."
"Nay, fairest Hermione. Think not of it, but of our undying love for each other. Come Spring, we shall be wed in Greenhouse 3."
"I'm so happy!" trills Hermione.
"System overload," booms a mechanized McGonagall voice. "You now have T-minus five minutes to reach minimum safe distance."
"This way, Sparrow! I have to cut the wire!"
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow, if ya please, ya greasy bastard. Lead the way, Sap."
"That's 'Snape', you idiot!"
Decked out in their Mission Impossible gear, Captain Jack Sparrow and Professor Snape run to save the now smoking Hogwarts from blowing up while Hermione and Malfoy kiss. Thus ends this deplorable love story.
A/N: I do not own the characters of "Labyrinth", "Pirates of the Carribean", or "Lord of the Rings". Nor do I own any characters or concepts from "The Matrix", "Chicago", "Mission Impossible" or "Aladdin".
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: Check with J.K. Rowling. I own all rights to my own twisted visions of Snape in less than pants. I particularly have a fetish that involves him in a long black robe and absolutely nothing underneath it. And it makes me wonder...
Hermione was reading aboard the Hogwarts Express when Neville burst into the compartment.
"Have you seen Trevor? I lost him just so I could come in here and ask you that."
Hermione sighed and said, "You're so expendable, Neville."
"I know. Bye!"
Neville left because he is such a useless character in fanfiction, unless you run across one of those eerie Neville/Snape slash fics. Seconds later, the door slid open again and in marched burly, beefcake Ron, now with double the testosterone.
"What were you doing with Neville, you slut?" demanded he.
Hermione's beautiful tea-colored eyes widened.
"Excuse me?" spoke she. "He just-"
"You lying bitch hound! You insolent ass clown!" cried Ron.
Ron proceeded to beat Hermione against the wall like a rug because, for a reason that is never explained, Ron is Hogwarts new number one asshole.
"Ouch! Eeeee! Ow! That hurts! Stop it! Yow! That hurt-I think! Oh-my hair!"
Ten minutes later, big bad Ron storms off, leaving the dainty and lovely Hermione bruised and with a bloody nose, thought by all rights she should be dead.
Being the clever sort, Hermione performs a series of charms to mask the blood and bruises and to restore her now non-frizzy curls to glossy perfection.. Right on que, Harry Potter, athelete-extroidinaire, walks in.
"Hello, Hermione. Have you seen Ron?"
"Uh-no?"
"Okay. I'll go look for him. By the bye, I think you've advanced another cup size over the unbelievably short summer holiday. That puts you right at a 36 DD. Congratulations, Hermione!"
Thank you, Harry."
Harry leaves. Ron storms in.
"What were you doing with Harry?" he demands, cracking his knuckles.
"Here we go again," sighes damsel-in-distress/bookwormish Hermione.
On the way to Transfiguration...
"Hey Mudblood! Lookin' good!"
"Oh fuck off, Malfoy,"grumbles Hermione.
"Okay." Malfoy walks off, unconcerned.
'Wow,' thinks Hermione, 'Malfoy's changed. He's so nice! So different than Ron. So handsome, too. That long silver-blond hair. Those dreamy gray eyes.' And what unrealistically glorious muscles Malfoy had, courtesy of his Seeker skills. Hermione sighed.
"I saw you looking at Malfoy!" growled Ron, running over to her. "There will be a punishment for that after class. Now, hold my hand and smile so that everyone will envy our relationship."
"Yes."
"Yes, what? You miserably modest slut? I must make the readers loathe me"
"Yes, master Ron."
"Damn straight!"
The lovely, lonely Hermione blinked back tears as she forced herself to smile. Ron's tight grip around her 17 inch waist made her feel faint. Hermione did not want him to touch her. Not she! To add even more drama to this horrific plot, the author will now have young Ginny Weasley skipping by singing Britany Spears' "Lucky Girl". Oh! This is most heart wrenching!
Transfiguration came and went with lightening speed. Ron then hurried Hermione to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, transfigured his feet into cloven hooves, and proceeded to stamp on her. Moaning Myrtle looked on, giggling. Miraculously, Hermione's frail back was not broken, nor were her insides squashed. Crying, she got to her feet and reapplied her makeup just in time for Potions.
Snape makes a grand entrance in one of those long, black leather costumes from the Matrix trilogy. Excuse me while I bask in the sexiness of the thought. Removing his slick shades, Snape partners everyone up to make an Instant Sobriety Potion. For no good reason other than a clever plot device, Snape pairs up Hermine and Malfoy while Ron glares. Oh no! This surely must mean more punishment is in store for our beloved, big-busted Hermione.
"Wow, Malfoy. You're really good at brewing potions. I was so wrong about you," said Hermione, in awe of Malfoy's awesomeness at making potions.
"Call me Draco. You are interesting to talk to. You are also pretty. May I carry your books after class, Granger?"
"Oh! I would love for you to, but, alas, I'm with asshole Ron."
"Speaking of Weasley, he's giving us the most dirtiest looks, he is. Hey, is that a bruise I see on your temple, Granger?"
"Uh-no?"
"I don't believe you, but I'll let it pass for now. Why don't you watch me practice for Quidditch this evening, Granger?"
"Okay. I'll lie to Ron and say I'm going to study in the library. After he catches me emerging from the Quidditch stadium, he'll pummel me mercilessly in full view of everyone, including the professors and the Headmaster. That will be your chance to prove your undying love for me!" exclaims Hermione, now even more radiently beautiful at the thought of infidelity. She could be just like Diane Lane in "Unfaithful".
Malfoy-I mean Draco, smiled.
"It's a date, then. Hooray!"
"Watch this!" orders Snape, and does one of those cool Matrix maneuvers where he pauses in mid-air. In the background, Captain Jack Sparrow skies by drinking a bottle o rum and cackling madness to his beloved hat.
Hermione and Draco bond during Draco's Quidditch practice. They fly around the castle on Draco's broom singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. In the background, Snape and Captain Jack Sparrow are doing backflips and headstands while updating the Hogwarts computer system. The Captain drinks more rum.
In a dream, Hermione floats back toward Gryffindor tower.
"You sheep whore!" yells Ron, jerking sweet Hermione back to the ground. "I saw you flying around the castle and singing with Malfoy. You have publicly shamed me. Now you shall pay!"
"Oh no, Ron! Please! Please don't use the barbed wire on me!"
"Take that, you trampish tart! And that!" Ron beats Hermione aplenty in full view of everyone, including the professors and the Headmaster. Captain Jack Sparrow looks on, drinking his rum.
Ron is about to stuff Hermione into a barrel lined with rusted nails when Draco zooms by on his stick flying pogo stick with Giger detailing.
"Unhand her, you baffoon," orders Draco.
Ron, suddenly wearing a black cape and a black tophat, produces a magic rapier. Her pushes the sobbing Hermione to the ground, downs an economy size jug of rum (to the astoundment of Captain Jack Sparrow), and goes after Draco.
Draco, now wearing white tights, a baby blue ruffled shirt, a flowing white cape and white leather boots, produces a handsome light saber. Jareth the Goblin King stalks over and threatens to flog Malfoy for stealing one of his outfits.
"I lent it to him for some drug money," shouts a very pretty girl with long dark hair, and takes off on Draco's magic pogo stick.
"Wait up there, lass," slurs Captain Jack Sparrow, and stumbles prettily after the pretty dark-haired girl.
Jareth pops a couple of Ephedra and chases after the pirate and the pretty girl.
"Now you will have to fight me without your precious pogo stick of power, Malfoy!" jeers Ron, trying to get his fake black beard to stick to his face.
"En garde!" shouts Draco and they have a chivalrous swordfight on the castle wall. It just drips of Medieval romanticism.
"Oh help! Help!" shrieks helpless Hermione, now clad in a Galadriel-type dress.
Haldir of Lothlorien rides up and frowns at Hermione.
"You have donned the clothes of the Lady of the Wood without her consent. This does not bode well. Try these."
Haldir snaps his fingers and Hermione is now clad in a sparkling dress similar to the ones used during the glamorous dance routines in the movie "Chicago". Draco and Ron are now wearing snazzy, sequiny coat-and-tails. The three dance. The ridiculous stupidity of the whole thing is not to be believed.
"Why are we doing this?" asked Hermione as Ron lifts her above his head.
The two boys shrug, tap dance, punch each other, then do a dazzling pirouette while Hermione leaps forward with her arms out and shouts, "Yeah!" for no good reason other than the fact that any dance routine can end with that one word.
It is now night. Snape walks by wearing a fishnet bodysuit, tattered black robes, and enormous combat boots, playing a kick ass number on his electric guitar. Captain Jack Sparrow soon follows, dressed in blood red robes and a black mesh turtleneck over his usual pirate attire.
"The burning passion sears my tainted soul with fiiiiiiiiiiiiire, savvvvey?" shrieks Captain Jack Sparrow into a microphone.
"Let's get this over with." says Malfoy. "Hermione and I love each other, Weasley. You cannot come between us."
"That's right, Ron. I have given my heart to Draco even though I'm only thirteen."
"I am now going to turn completely evil and join forces with Voldemort. Good day!"
Off Ron stomps.
Hermione rushes into Draco's arms, nearly suffocating him with her enormous breasts that have quadrupled in size since the beginning of the story.
"Oh, Draco! What a clever twist in the plot. I knew Ron was a dirty bastard, but to join forces with Voldemort! Oh! How tragic."
"Nay, fairest Hermione. Think not of it, but of our undying love for each other. Come Spring, we shall be wed in Greenhouse 3."
"I'm so happy!" trills Hermione.
"System overload," booms a mechanized McGonagall voice. "You now have T-minus five minutes to reach minimum safe distance."
"This way, Sparrow! I have to cut the wire!"
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow, if ya please, ya greasy bastard. Lead the way, Sap."
"That's 'Snape', you idiot!"
Decked out in their Mission Impossible gear, Captain Jack Sparrow and Professor Snape run to save the now smoking Hogwarts from blowing up while Hermione and Malfoy kiss. Thus ends this deplorable love story.
A/N: I do not own the characters of "Labyrinth", "Pirates of the Carribean", or "Lord of the Rings". Nor do I own any characters or concepts from "The Matrix", "Chicago", "Mission Impossible" or "Aladdin".