Title: Love slaves of Azkaban
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
In a dark, brooding cell deep within Azkaban resides...Lucius Malfoy! Yes, the debonair blond is finally getting his comeuppance. Surprisingly, endless days of dementor torture do little to alter Lucius Malfoy's fine looks, though his black robes are torn and tattered so that he resembles a Stevie Nicks groupie minus the top hat. Look! Lucius doesn't even need to shave. As we all know, only Sirius Black was ever capable of growing a beard in prison.
Poor Lucius huddles in a corner as he slowly freezes to death while the horrors of repressed childhood abuse plague him. Listen, I say!
We are now witnessing Lucius Malfoy's anguish first hand. It sounds like cheerful singing that is slowly growing louder. Merlin's bubblegum assplug! It is the theme song to "The Smurfs"! Run away! But Lucius cannot run away because no one can ever run away from himself! We are going to entirely overlook the fact that Lucius Malfoy's childhood did not include the Smurfs because they hadn't yet been invented. Hey, no one bothers checking timelines in fan fiction. If they do, they neatly insert a Time Turner or Alternate Universe to clean up any inconsistencies.
Lucius Senior barges into the den (this is still Lucius Junior's bad memory, don't forget). Malfoy Snr. looks just like Lucius Jr. as an adult, save his hair is more golden than ash blond. Oh, and *his* cane has a dragon head.
"How dare you watch such Muggle riff-raff, Lucius Jr.! Come here and take your medicine, young man!"
Lucius Sr. proceeds to wallop Lucius Jr. with the dragon headed cane while the theme song to "The Smurfs" plays louder and louder. Come on, everybody, sing along! My apologies. Nostalgia momentarily overtook me.
Anyway, we are back in the present where Lucius is softly humming the Smurf theme while rocking back and forth. For added eeriness, the humming travels down the corridor to...Snape's cell!
Oh...where shall I begin? The thousand tragedies that have encompassed Snape's life culminate into this final injustice of imprisonment! Upon first viewing Snape, we see that he has a pretty good growth of a beard so that he uncannily resembles the Sheriff of Nottingham. In the next scene; however, he is clean shaven because he is generally preferred that way. Snape's jet black/raven/ink/midnight/tar-colored hair is much longer and he is thinner than Kate Moss after a 20 day fast to add to his appeal of frailty and helplessness. Thousands of Snape fans everywhere sigh in unison.
Snape seizes the bars and cries, "I am starving! I had to eat my leather boots! Actually, I am so thin that I could slip right between the bars, but I'm not going to."
A dementor doth approacheth! Snape wails and sinks to the floor in his voluminous Matrix style robes, minus the pants, of course. And no, ladies, he is not wearing any underwear. We are now subject to endless pages of Snape's tragic life from five seconds after his birth to when the wagon pulls up and carts Snape from Hogwarts while a mob follows brandishing torches and pitchforks. Oh. I almost forgot. Here is the gratuitous rape scene you've all been waiting for...
Since the censors won't allow us to enjoy hard core perversion, I'll have to be sneaky in my description of the event. Oh, stop quivering with lust, you perverts! Its' the same old story. Pick any stage of Snape's life; preferably between the ages of 15 to the present. Next have him arguing with an authoritative figure/late for a Death Eaters meeting/grading papers in his dungeon/perusing the Forbidden Forest/having a clam bake-you get the idea.
Enter the antagonist/rapist (no pun intended), usually a fellow Death Eater a.k.a Lucius Jr./Voldemort/evil Harry Potter/Snape's father/centaur who has had too much Aphrodisiac Saucy Punch. A fight ensues with Snape ending up on the bottom, helplessly pinned beneath his attacker. Snape is then subject to hours of being sexually assaulted with wands, sporks and other oddities while Snape fans everywhere eat popcorn in sadistic delight. Sometimes Snape turns out to be a hermaphrodite, though that honor is usually reserved for Harry Potter. Well, it is. Honestly! Have you ever read a story about a hermaphrodite Dumbledore? Ten points to whoever makes me a liar on that one.
Anyway, we pan to present time in Snape's cell where he is sprawled on the floor groaning, eyes closed, reliving the whole abominable 25 plug page experience as the dementor that is hung like a horse comes in and gives Snape a bit of the old in-out. Why is this even happening, you ask? Because it's good for the story.
Snape's sexy, delicious moans echo down the endless corridor to...Harry Potter's cell. Gasp!
Alas, poor 16-year-old Harry Potter has been falsely accused of single-handedly murdering 255,300,150.5 Muggles. It's life without parole, baby! Oddly enough, Harry has more of a beard than Lucius, even though tis merely a bit o stubble.
These last 18 month is the slammer have hardened Harry well beyond his years. You'd be bitter too if you heard Lucius Malfoy incessantly hum the theme song to "The Smurfs" day after day. Of course, Harry relives the death of his parents and of Cedric Diggory a good part of the time. Not to mention the atrocities of the cupboard beneath the stairs back at the dastardly Dursleys. Really, twas a dimension of the utmost bizarreness in that tiny cupboard. Harry never forgot the day he awoke with the donkey and the cravat. Moving on...
"That sounds like Snape." Harry murmurs to himself as though this is the first time he's heard Snape, despite the fact that they've both spent over a year in Azkaban.
"Gargamel!" gurgles Lucius insanely. "Come, Azrael, my sweet! Papa Smurf...why must *you* wear the red pants?"
For a reason none other than plot convenience, Harry is suddenly rooming with Snape or vice versa. Does it even matter? This is the first time Harry has seen the Potion Master in over a year. He is shocked by Snape's gaunt appearance and grizzled beard. However, when Harry ambles over and kneels beside Snape, the Potion Master is suddenly clean shaven. Lack of continuity, damn you!
"Potter," rasps Snape, "is that you?"
"Uh, yeah. Geez, how do you put up with that damn Smurf theme all the livelong day? It's beginning to filter into my memory of Uncle Vernon forcing me to shave his ass with a pair of dull hedge clippers."
"I don't...know...," says Snape and then vomits. "...I think I'm pregnant..."
Nine months later...
Harry, Snape and Lucius are roommates. Don't ask how. It's never quite been established how. Just accept it as you accepted you candy Easter morning without question and the world will be a better place. Things have indeed taken a turn for the worse.. Lucius' robes are more tattered than ever, but *damn* is he a fox! He smells good, too. Lucius twirls about the tiny cell believing he is Handy Smurf. This is not entirely without its benefits, as they now have a king size bed and a nifty island on rollers, courtesy of Lucius' carpentry skills.
Snape is thin as ever. In face, he isn't even showing though he is currently in labor. His long black hair cascades beautifully down the side of the bed as he moans and Harry dabs his pale forehead with a damp cloth. You see, Harry is the youngest Mediwizard in history!
"Breath! Push! Squeeze my hand! Oh, by the way, professor, I think now would be an excellent time to disclose my secret passion for you," says Harry.
Snape screams while Lucius (the MacGyver of the wizarding world) fashions a pair of forceps out of two spoons he's magically enlarged. Yes, I realize he doesn't have a wand and, no, I will not explain how Lucius can use magic without one.
"I can see its head!" shouts Harry.
Suddenly, Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, Madam Pomfrey, McGonagall, Hermione and Ron are present. They just stand there and watch Snape suffer through the agonies of childbirth. What a bunch of sadistic bastards. What's more, they are eating popcorn.
"Wait. Why did I make these forceps if there are no complications during the birth?" Lucius wants to know.
"Just kidding. Give me those!" orders Harry, snatching the forceps and...
We cut to a scene of Earth from outer space. Snape's screams echo through the galaxy.
Back in the cell, Ron faints. Thank you for that comic relief, Ron. Hermione repeatedly presses her hands to her mouth in suspense. She feels awfully sorry for Snape.
"There, there, Severus. It's almost over," soothes Dumbledore, patting Snape's now greaseless head.
"How in hell do you know that?" hisses Snape.
"I am Dumbledore. I know all."
One week and 29 seconds later...
"It's a boy!" announces Harry.
Everyone applauds. Ron faints. Lucius looks up from the bassinet he's created from straw and a knapsack.
"Just in time!" he cheerfully remarks.
Ah, Lucius, there is nothing you cannot do, except make yourself a decent robe before the one you are wearing falls off. Allow me to envision that for a few moments...Better still, let us all envision Snape smoking a cigarette and holding a whip while he sits atop my bed and informs me in that deep, silky voice of his that I've been a very naughty little girl. But I digress...
A member of the Ministry enters the cell and shouts, "Congratulations! You've all been pardoned!"
"Yay," says Snape, who looks remarkably well for a man who has just been subjected to a weeks worth of contractions and being prodded with a pair of spoonish forceps.
"Splendid!" exclaims Dumbledore. "You must all come back to live at Hogwarts!"
And Harry officially becomes Snape's son's godfather. And Lucius soars to new heights of success with his own carpentry show. And Snape marries Harry and they live down in the dungeon together in a van by the river. And I am tired of the whole damn concept, so there. Oh, did you want to know who the father of Snape's baby is? No, it's not the dementor. That was just thrown in so we could read about Snape in a compromising position. I think Voldemort used some sort of weird mental telepathy to influence Snape's dreams.
In his dream, Snape and Harry make passionate love on a tropical isle filled with coconuts and glitter. No, not glittering sand. Just glitter. See? It all worked out for the best, though Harry is still referred to as the child's godfather because he misses Sirius, if that makes any sense. Now that the story is finished, I leave you to imagine Lucius Malfoy standing naked in my bedroom while a leather clad Snape smokes a cigarette and disciplines him with a whip. The insane giggling you hear in the background isn't me.
~FIN~
A/N: I don't own the Smurfs, or as my father always referred to them "Those blue little bastards!" Hmmm…that's something Snape would say.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
In a dark, brooding cell deep within Azkaban resides...Lucius Malfoy! Yes, the debonair blond is finally getting his comeuppance. Surprisingly, endless days of dementor torture do little to alter Lucius Malfoy's fine looks, though his black robes are torn and tattered so that he resembles a Stevie Nicks groupie minus the top hat. Look! Lucius doesn't even need to shave. As we all know, only Sirius Black was ever capable of growing a beard in prison.
Poor Lucius huddles in a corner as he slowly freezes to death while the horrors of repressed childhood abuse plague him. Listen, I say!
We are now witnessing Lucius Malfoy's anguish first hand. It sounds like cheerful singing that is slowly growing louder. Merlin's bubblegum assplug! It is the theme song to "The Smurfs"! Run away! But Lucius cannot run away because no one can ever run away from himself! We are going to entirely overlook the fact that Lucius Malfoy's childhood did not include the Smurfs because they hadn't yet been invented. Hey, no one bothers checking timelines in fan fiction. If they do, they neatly insert a Time Turner or Alternate Universe to clean up any inconsistencies.
Lucius Senior barges into the den (this is still Lucius Junior's bad memory, don't forget). Malfoy Snr. looks just like Lucius Jr. as an adult, save his hair is more golden than ash blond. Oh, and *his* cane has a dragon head.
"How dare you watch such Muggle riff-raff, Lucius Jr.! Come here and take your medicine, young man!"
Lucius Sr. proceeds to wallop Lucius Jr. with the dragon headed cane while the theme song to "The Smurfs" plays louder and louder. Come on, everybody, sing along! My apologies. Nostalgia momentarily overtook me.
Anyway, we are back in the present where Lucius is softly humming the Smurf theme while rocking back and forth. For added eeriness, the humming travels down the corridor to...Snape's cell!
Oh...where shall I begin? The thousand tragedies that have encompassed Snape's life culminate into this final injustice of imprisonment! Upon first viewing Snape, we see that he has a pretty good growth of a beard so that he uncannily resembles the Sheriff of Nottingham. In the next scene; however, he is clean shaven because he is generally preferred that way. Snape's jet black/raven/ink/midnight/tar-colored hair is much longer and he is thinner than Kate Moss after a 20 day fast to add to his appeal of frailty and helplessness. Thousands of Snape fans everywhere sigh in unison.
Snape seizes the bars and cries, "I am starving! I had to eat my leather boots! Actually, I am so thin that I could slip right between the bars, but I'm not going to."
A dementor doth approacheth! Snape wails and sinks to the floor in his voluminous Matrix style robes, minus the pants, of course. And no, ladies, he is not wearing any underwear. We are now subject to endless pages of Snape's tragic life from five seconds after his birth to when the wagon pulls up and carts Snape from Hogwarts while a mob follows brandishing torches and pitchforks. Oh. I almost forgot. Here is the gratuitous rape scene you've all been waiting for...
Since the censors won't allow us to enjoy hard core perversion, I'll have to be sneaky in my description of the event. Oh, stop quivering with lust, you perverts! Its' the same old story. Pick any stage of Snape's life; preferably between the ages of 15 to the present. Next have him arguing with an authoritative figure/late for a Death Eaters meeting/grading papers in his dungeon/perusing the Forbidden Forest/having a clam bake-you get the idea.
Enter the antagonist/rapist (no pun intended), usually a fellow Death Eater a.k.a Lucius Jr./Voldemort/evil Harry Potter/Snape's father/centaur who has had too much Aphrodisiac Saucy Punch. A fight ensues with Snape ending up on the bottom, helplessly pinned beneath his attacker. Snape is then subject to hours of being sexually assaulted with wands, sporks and other oddities while Snape fans everywhere eat popcorn in sadistic delight. Sometimes Snape turns out to be a hermaphrodite, though that honor is usually reserved for Harry Potter. Well, it is. Honestly! Have you ever read a story about a hermaphrodite Dumbledore? Ten points to whoever makes me a liar on that one.
Anyway, we pan to present time in Snape's cell where he is sprawled on the floor groaning, eyes closed, reliving the whole abominable 25 plug page experience as the dementor that is hung like a horse comes in and gives Snape a bit of the old in-out. Why is this even happening, you ask? Because it's good for the story.
Snape's sexy, delicious moans echo down the endless corridor to...Harry Potter's cell. Gasp!
Alas, poor 16-year-old Harry Potter has been falsely accused of single-handedly murdering 255,300,150.5 Muggles. It's life without parole, baby! Oddly enough, Harry has more of a beard than Lucius, even though tis merely a bit o stubble.
These last 18 month is the slammer have hardened Harry well beyond his years. You'd be bitter too if you heard Lucius Malfoy incessantly hum the theme song to "The Smurfs" day after day. Of course, Harry relives the death of his parents and of Cedric Diggory a good part of the time. Not to mention the atrocities of the cupboard beneath the stairs back at the dastardly Dursleys. Really, twas a dimension of the utmost bizarreness in that tiny cupboard. Harry never forgot the day he awoke with the donkey and the cravat. Moving on...
"That sounds like Snape." Harry murmurs to himself as though this is the first time he's heard Snape, despite the fact that they've both spent over a year in Azkaban.
"Gargamel!" gurgles Lucius insanely. "Come, Azrael, my sweet! Papa Smurf...why must *you* wear the red pants?"
For a reason none other than plot convenience, Harry is suddenly rooming with Snape or vice versa. Does it even matter? This is the first time Harry has seen the Potion Master in over a year. He is shocked by Snape's gaunt appearance and grizzled beard. However, when Harry ambles over and kneels beside Snape, the Potion Master is suddenly clean shaven. Lack of continuity, damn you!
"Potter," rasps Snape, "is that you?"
"Uh, yeah. Geez, how do you put up with that damn Smurf theme all the livelong day? It's beginning to filter into my memory of Uncle Vernon forcing me to shave his ass with a pair of dull hedge clippers."
"I don't...know...," says Snape and then vomits. "...I think I'm pregnant..."
Nine months later...
Harry, Snape and Lucius are roommates. Don't ask how. It's never quite been established how. Just accept it as you accepted you candy Easter morning without question and the world will be a better place. Things have indeed taken a turn for the worse.. Lucius' robes are more tattered than ever, but *damn* is he a fox! He smells good, too. Lucius twirls about the tiny cell believing he is Handy Smurf. This is not entirely without its benefits, as they now have a king size bed and a nifty island on rollers, courtesy of Lucius' carpentry skills.
Snape is thin as ever. In face, he isn't even showing though he is currently in labor. His long black hair cascades beautifully down the side of the bed as he moans and Harry dabs his pale forehead with a damp cloth. You see, Harry is the youngest Mediwizard in history!
"Breath! Push! Squeeze my hand! Oh, by the way, professor, I think now would be an excellent time to disclose my secret passion for you," says Harry.
Snape screams while Lucius (the MacGyver of the wizarding world) fashions a pair of forceps out of two spoons he's magically enlarged. Yes, I realize he doesn't have a wand and, no, I will not explain how Lucius can use magic without one.
"I can see its head!" shouts Harry.
Suddenly, Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, Madam Pomfrey, McGonagall, Hermione and Ron are present. They just stand there and watch Snape suffer through the agonies of childbirth. What a bunch of sadistic bastards. What's more, they are eating popcorn.
"Wait. Why did I make these forceps if there are no complications during the birth?" Lucius wants to know.
"Just kidding. Give me those!" orders Harry, snatching the forceps and...
We cut to a scene of Earth from outer space. Snape's screams echo through the galaxy.
Back in the cell, Ron faints. Thank you for that comic relief, Ron. Hermione repeatedly presses her hands to her mouth in suspense. She feels awfully sorry for Snape.
"There, there, Severus. It's almost over," soothes Dumbledore, patting Snape's now greaseless head.
"How in hell do you know that?" hisses Snape.
"I am Dumbledore. I know all."
One week and 29 seconds later...
"It's a boy!" announces Harry.
Everyone applauds. Ron faints. Lucius looks up from the bassinet he's created from straw and a knapsack.
"Just in time!" he cheerfully remarks.
Ah, Lucius, there is nothing you cannot do, except make yourself a decent robe before the one you are wearing falls off. Allow me to envision that for a few moments...Better still, let us all envision Snape smoking a cigarette and holding a whip while he sits atop my bed and informs me in that deep, silky voice of his that I've been a very naughty little girl. But I digress...
A member of the Ministry enters the cell and shouts, "Congratulations! You've all been pardoned!"
"Yay," says Snape, who looks remarkably well for a man who has just been subjected to a weeks worth of contractions and being prodded with a pair of spoonish forceps.
"Splendid!" exclaims Dumbledore. "You must all come back to live at Hogwarts!"
And Harry officially becomes Snape's son's godfather. And Lucius soars to new heights of success with his own carpentry show. And Snape marries Harry and they live down in the dungeon together in a van by the river. And I am tired of the whole damn concept, so there. Oh, did you want to know who the father of Snape's baby is? No, it's not the dementor. That was just thrown in so we could read about Snape in a compromising position. I think Voldemort used some sort of weird mental telepathy to influence Snape's dreams.
In his dream, Snape and Harry make passionate love on a tropical isle filled with coconuts and glitter. No, not glittering sand. Just glitter. See? It all worked out for the best, though Harry is still referred to as the child's godfather because he misses Sirius, if that makes any sense. Now that the story is finished, I leave you to imagine Lucius Malfoy standing naked in my bedroom while a leather clad Snape smokes a cigarette and disciplines him with a whip. The insane giggling you hear in the background isn't me.
~FIN~
A/N: I don't own the Smurfs, or as my father always referred to them "Those blue little bastards!" Hmmm…that's something Snape would say.