Title: Forbidden Fruit
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
A/N: Once upon a time this was a MST I created. Then, it was converted to a story on my old, more perverted version of Parody Paradise before it was removed. Anyhow, it's back and although it is not near as graphic, I believe the comedy is still intact. Never fear, it's still plenty perverted. Enjoy!
The ground was thick with white snow; not to be confused with the other assorted colors of snow. Sirius walked along the forest, lost in his melancholy thoughts as the icy wind whipped his long black hair about his face. There is nothing like a stroll in the freezing cold to try and boost one's spirits. You see, Sirius' girlfriend of five years had just left him. Christina (how the name tore at Sirius' heartstrings) had given him no sign their relationship was in trouble. In fact, the last thing she had given Sirius before leaving was (not a blow job, nor an ice lollie, nor a moppet. What the fuck is a moppet anyway?) a massage.
Christina had left Sirius once he had fallen asleep.
'That's a lovely thing to do,' thought Sirius.
Now, he was completely lost without her. So...hopeless. Christina had been life itself to Sirius and now she was gone.
'This is not like me at all. Why am I purposely going out and getting lost in the snow just because a girl of mine took off?'
Maybe...maybe Christina had frozen to death and Sirius simply could not remember.
'Then where is the body?' demanded the logical side of Sirius. 'Perhaps I ate it and cannot recall committing such a travesty!' replied the sensitive side of Sirius.
Overcome with grief, Sirius sank to his knees, tears streaming down his face.
'Great Merlin this is nauseating! I'm glad no one can see me like this.'
Sirius was slowly freezing to death, but so numb with grief was he that he felt nothing save heartache, and a little heartburn. This made Sirius worry all the more about his "missing" girlfriend. He wanted to die.
Suddenly, Sirius looked up because it was convenient to do so, and he saw...an angel.
'I sure died quickly enough...but I cannot be dead. That wouldn't make any sense. Then again, why would any of my actions start making sense now? I mean, for all I know, I might have subconscious cannibalistic tendencies.'
"Remus," whispered Sirius, "where did you come from?"
"The plot hole," replied Remus and smiled.
Remus then knelt before Sirius with offerings of flavored body oils and banana-flavored edible undies. Then, he wrapped his long arms behind Sirius' neck, neither of them understanding why they suddenly fancied each other, but neither dared to complain. They collapsed onto the soft, powdery, freezing snow, enveloped in one another's passionate kisses. Sirius locked his arms and Remus' slender waist, pulling his softly heaving body even closer. Remus moaned softly and proceeded to use his tongue for things other than talking, though I will say that a great deal of tasting was involved. Yes, my friends, this is a prime example of where too much description might not be a good thing for the faint of heart.
Straddling his companion, Remus delicately (yes, he's the "female" of the couple, big surprise, eh?) trailed his fingers down Sirius' manly chest and slowly unbuttoned his robes.
'This is really too much,' thought Sirius. 'One minute I'm all but committing suicide and now I'm being mounted by my friend since childhood out in the middle of nowhere in the freezing snow! What is this wondrous place where desolate strolls result in the copulation of two adult men?'
"Welcome to my world," whispered dreamy-eyed Remus, who, aside from being a lycanthrope, can also read minds.
With a wave of his wand, Remus made both his and Sirius' pants disappear. There were then several acts of probing. Sirius then groaned in ecstasy. Remus then displayed his grand knowledge of the Kama Sutra. There was then more probing. Nude yoga was next on the agenda, followed by reenacting the choicest scenes from "Risky Business". Never had Sirius felt so much pleasure! He was helpless before Remus' sudden assertiveness and excellent memory of the finer aspects of tantric sex.
Sirius' newly found submission struck a powerful chord within Remus. It made him want to do things to Sirius that neither of them had ever before dreamed. He gazed deep into Sirius' eyes and said, "I want to things to you that neither of us has ever before dreamed."
"Oh, yes!" moaned Sirius breathlessly. "Yes! Do with me whatever you will. Please?"
'Hot damn!' thought one or both of them.
Remus then reached inside his robes and produced an orange and a jar of Vaseline. Remus then gripped the orange tightly in his hand and thrust it-
Sirius bolted upright in his bed screaming like his stomach was being reamed with a bayonet.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME WITH THE ORANGE?!!!!?" he shrieked, horror-stricken.
"Sirius, is there a problem?" inquired a sleepy voice beside him.
"I-it-I dreamed that both I and a piece of fruit were...abused!"
"Aren't you overreacting just a bit? It was only a dream. Lie down."
Sirius did so with a long sigh.
"These dreams will land me in St. Mungos at this rate. Haven't I already had enough setbacks in my life? Oh *please*, Severus, make it go away!"
The greasy Snape pulled the shivering Sirius to him and smoothed Sirius' long, soft dark hair from his face.
"Every night before you go to bed, tell yourself that as long as Severus Snape is with you, no fruit will be abused or be used to abuse you."
"That helps. Goodnight, my darling Severus."
"Goodnight, Sirius."
"Goodnight, Remus."
"Goodnight, Christina."
"Severus, we really do need to invest in a couple of king size beds."
~FIN~
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
A/N: Once upon a time this was a MST I created. Then, it was converted to a story on my old, more perverted version of Parody Paradise before it was removed. Anyhow, it's back and although it is not near as graphic, I believe the comedy is still intact. Never fear, it's still plenty perverted. Enjoy!
The ground was thick with white snow; not to be confused with the other assorted colors of snow. Sirius walked along the forest, lost in his melancholy thoughts as the icy wind whipped his long black hair about his face. There is nothing like a stroll in the freezing cold to try and boost one's spirits. You see, Sirius' girlfriend of five years had just left him. Christina (how the name tore at Sirius' heartstrings) had given him no sign their relationship was in trouble. In fact, the last thing she had given Sirius before leaving was (not a blow job, nor an ice lollie, nor a moppet. What the fuck is a moppet anyway?) a massage.
Christina had left Sirius once he had fallen asleep.
'That's a lovely thing to do,' thought Sirius.
Now, he was completely lost without her. So...hopeless. Christina had been life itself to Sirius and now she was gone.
'This is not like me at all. Why am I purposely going out and getting lost in the snow just because a girl of mine took off?'
Maybe...maybe Christina had frozen to death and Sirius simply could not remember.
'Then where is the body?' demanded the logical side of Sirius. 'Perhaps I ate it and cannot recall committing such a travesty!' replied the sensitive side of Sirius.
Overcome with grief, Sirius sank to his knees, tears streaming down his face.
'Great Merlin this is nauseating! I'm glad no one can see me like this.'
Sirius was slowly freezing to death, but so numb with grief was he that he felt nothing save heartache, and a little heartburn. This made Sirius worry all the more about his "missing" girlfriend. He wanted to die.
Suddenly, Sirius looked up because it was convenient to do so, and he saw...an angel.
'I sure died quickly enough...but I cannot be dead. That wouldn't make any sense. Then again, why would any of my actions start making sense now? I mean, for all I know, I might have subconscious cannibalistic tendencies.'
"Remus," whispered Sirius, "where did you come from?"
"The plot hole," replied Remus and smiled.
Remus then knelt before Sirius with offerings of flavored body oils and banana-flavored edible undies. Then, he wrapped his long arms behind Sirius' neck, neither of them understanding why they suddenly fancied each other, but neither dared to complain. They collapsed onto the soft, powdery, freezing snow, enveloped in one another's passionate kisses. Sirius locked his arms and Remus' slender waist, pulling his softly heaving body even closer. Remus moaned softly and proceeded to use his tongue for things other than talking, though I will say that a great deal of tasting was involved. Yes, my friends, this is a prime example of where too much description might not be a good thing for the faint of heart.
Straddling his companion, Remus delicately (yes, he's the "female" of the couple, big surprise, eh?) trailed his fingers down Sirius' manly chest and slowly unbuttoned his robes.
'This is really too much,' thought Sirius. 'One minute I'm all but committing suicide and now I'm being mounted by my friend since childhood out in the middle of nowhere in the freezing snow! What is this wondrous place where desolate strolls result in the copulation of two adult men?'
"Welcome to my world," whispered dreamy-eyed Remus, who, aside from being a lycanthrope, can also read minds.
With a wave of his wand, Remus made both his and Sirius' pants disappear. There were then several acts of probing. Sirius then groaned in ecstasy. Remus then displayed his grand knowledge of the Kama Sutra. There was then more probing. Nude yoga was next on the agenda, followed by reenacting the choicest scenes from "Risky Business". Never had Sirius felt so much pleasure! He was helpless before Remus' sudden assertiveness and excellent memory of the finer aspects of tantric sex.
Sirius' newly found submission struck a powerful chord within Remus. It made him want to do things to Sirius that neither of them had ever before dreamed. He gazed deep into Sirius' eyes and said, "I want to things to you that neither of us has ever before dreamed."
"Oh, yes!" moaned Sirius breathlessly. "Yes! Do with me whatever you will. Please?"
'Hot damn!' thought one or both of them.
Remus then reached inside his robes and produced an orange and a jar of Vaseline. Remus then gripped the orange tightly in his hand and thrust it-
Sirius bolted upright in his bed screaming like his stomach was being reamed with a bayonet.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME WITH THE ORANGE?!!!!?" he shrieked, horror-stricken.
"Sirius, is there a problem?" inquired a sleepy voice beside him.
"I-it-I dreamed that both I and a piece of fruit were...abused!"
"Aren't you overreacting just a bit? It was only a dream. Lie down."
Sirius did so with a long sigh.
"These dreams will land me in St. Mungos at this rate. Haven't I already had enough setbacks in my life? Oh *please*, Severus, make it go away!"
The greasy Snape pulled the shivering Sirius to him and smoothed Sirius' long, soft dark hair from his face.
"Every night before you go to bed, tell yourself that as long as Severus Snape is with you, no fruit will be abused or be used to abuse you."
"That helps. Goodnight, my darling Severus."
"Goodnight, Sirius."
"Goodnight, Remus."
"Goodnight, Christina."
"Severus, we really do need to invest in a couple of king size beds."
~FIN~