Title: Of Amulets and the Bullwinkle Theorem
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I am not responsible for the Rocky and Bullwinkle show or any characters or concepts from it. The late Tolkien and his estate own all characters and concepts of Middle Earth.
Ginny Weasley was on her way to potions when something caught the corner of her eye. A very shiny sparkling something. Weaving through the mass of students, who were conveniently in too much of a hurry to notice the shiny thing, Ginny approached the shiny object and bent down to retrieve it. Sigh. I wonder what it could possibly be.
It was an amulet and it was pretty! Prepare yourselves for the over detailed description of the amulet: The amulet was beautiful! The end. Just kidding, my hearties! Ahem. The amulet had a pale amethyst jewel that glittered brilliantly in the sun even though this takes place in a windowless section of Hogwarts. It hung on a silver chain and had odd but lovely delicate engravings on the back. Upon closer inspection, Ginny realized the amulet to be in the shape of a 3/4 waning crescent moon in the middle of September. What a find! How lucky for young Ginny that no one else in the entire school had stumbled upon such a unique prize! Perhaps over half the student population needed glasses.
Anyway, Ginny pocketed the amulet and skipped off to potions humming "Ave Maria" because we want to believe she is smart and cultured.
"Miss Weasley!" barked the evil Potions Master, a.k.a the seductive Severus Snape. "You are a millisecond late. Fifty points from Gryffindor and you must buff my golf shoes with a spoon. Now sit down. As I was saying about the Bullwinkle Theorem..."
Bored and unhappy at her ill luck, Ginny produced the gorgeous, sparkly amulet from her robe. Ooooh! Its shininess was mesmerizing, just like Johnny Depp's ass. Then, it vibrated in her hand. You read that correctly, folks, the amulet vibrated. Somehow, Ginny just knew that the amulet was trying to communicate with her!!! Ugh, the stupidity!!!
"...aardvarking? Miss Weasley! Stop staring at your hand and answer the question."
Ginny snapped to attention, quickly hiding the vibrating amulet. Sharp as the devious Snape's eyes were, he, like the rest of Hogwarts, was oblivious to the gleaming amulet.
"I'm sorry, professor. Could you repeat the question?"
Miniature volcanoes erupted in Snape's black eyes, he was so outraged.
"How dare you blatantly ignore my superior intellect, Miss Weasley! I expect a five-thousand-page essay on the arithmancy factors of the Bullwinkle Theorem in direct relation with the absinthe epidemic of the 1800's! Now, pay attention as I draw this pentagram on the blackboard to further illustrate my point on the existence of the Bullwinkle Theorem."
Hermione Granger raised her hand, even though she's not even in the same year as Ginny.
"Sir, the Bullwinkle Theorem is, at best, a weak hypothesis."
"That is your opinion Miss Granger. I know what I saw! On one of the Rocky and Bullwinkle episodes with the Moon Men, I specifically saw a book in the foreground entitled 'Sex on Planet X'! I saw it! Someone else out there saw it as well. They must have."
Colin Creevey sighed and said, "Nearly every Rocky and Bullwinkle episode had the Moon Men, professor."
"Or captain Peach Fuzz," added someone.
"Silence!" ordered Snape.
"Hey, professor, if you grew a moustache and wore a black fedora, you'd look just like Boris Badenov, only taller."
"Shut up, whoever you are!" snarled Snape.
"Yes, Fearless Leader," chorused the class.
Snape kind of liked this title so he let it pass and dismissed everyone.
That evening, Ginny lie on her bed staring at the pretty amulet until her eyes became heavy...
Stand by for idiotic dream sequence in 3...2...1...
Ginny walked in a beautiful forest filled with the faintest sound of rich, melodic music with just a hint of The B52's. She just happened to pass a stream and caught here reflection in the stream's calm, glasslike surface as it rushed like a roaring rapid. She had elf ears! How about that!?! It gets more ridiculous, just wait. Ginny's red hair was now a fiery auburn and trailed to her waist in thick, flowing waves. She wore a dainty tiara that contained the same pale amethyst just like in the amulet she'd found! Her brown eyes had beautiful flecks of gold; her milky white skin like porcelain; the nails the perfect length and shade of mauve; her dress pale green with silver vine-like embroidery and pale lilac ruffles at the bosom, further emphasizing her suddenly very well developed breasts. Okay, so Ginny had a figure like a model would after donning a corset, only Ginny had not donned a corset. Lucky her.
Suddenly, this tall blonde elf lady in a white dress appears (yes, it's Galadriel. I'm telling you this because I'm so horrified you might not see the friggin obvious).
"Ginny...you are my great granddaughter to the millionth power. Evil things are about to happen. Be strong and fulfill your destiny...Oh, and here is Legolas."
Legolas trots out in all his long blond-haired glory and waves at Ginny. Ginny smiles and floats without the use of Wingardium Leviosa. Then she wakes up.
"Damn it! It was just starting to get good," she grumbled.
Twas morning of the next day and Ginny realized she had not written her five-thousand-page essay on the Bullwinkle Theorem. Worse still, she was late for Potions. Then, a bird died. The seas boiled and the skies fell! Worst of all, Snape was waiting very patiently for Virginia Weasley to arrive.
"Sir, may I go? I shouldn't even be here," said Harry Potter, unscrewing the lid off a jar of rubber cement. Snape ordered Harry to be quiet. Harry sighed and said, "Your dictatorship of this class is depressing, and the Bullwinkle Theorem is a joke."
"Out!" shrieked Snape, jutting a long, thin finger at the door. "And put down that rubber cement!"
Harry shook his head as he took his leave. About halfway to the door, he halted and began to taunt Snape.
"How silly of me to touch the rubber cement. Tear your eyes from the rubber cement, children, lest it interfere with the professor's botched Bullwinkle Theorem. Oh look: a K-Mart receipt; it must be part of the Bullwinkle Theorem, too. The bloody Matrix is part of the Bullshit-I mean the Bullwinkle Theorem!"
Snape threw his mug of steaming root beer at the Boy-Who-Lived. At this moment, Ginny walked in. Harry paled.
"Okay, I'm leaving before the nonsensical babble about elfish princesses and other nauseating pointlessness ruin my borderline euphoric state courtesy of inhaling deeply of the rubber cement."
Harry then vanished. Snape grew fangs and glowing red cat's eyes in his wrath at Ginny's tardiness.
"Miss Weasley!" he roared. "Where is your five-thousand-page essay on the Bullsh-I mean the Bullwinkle Theorem? Don't any of you dare laugh at my slip up!" Snape glared the evil glare of certain doom at his pupils.
"Dobby mistook it for toilet paper?" asked Ginny, hoping Snape would believe her.
Snape did not believe her. However, just then the amulet glowed brightly and vibrated anew and Ginny was revealed to the elfish princess she really was just like in her dream! And I apologize for that grammatical travesty.
Then Voldemort attacked the school and lots of people died! Oh my God! He kidnapped Ginny and took her to his secret lair beneath Lucius Malfoy's prized turnip garden. Snape beheld the dead bodies in the aftermath of the onslaught and cried. Now there was no one left to teach about the Bullwinkle Theorem. Oh no! Harry Potter had survived! Snape cried; he loathed young Potter for mocking his Bullshit-I mean Bullwinkle Theorem.
In Voldemort's lair, Voldemort chained Ginny to the wall and began the elaborate pre-sacrificial activities. He and the other Death Eaters made pleasant small talk while drinking martinis. He then complimented Lucius on his delightful turnip garden. Ginny cried because she just knew that all was lost!
Out of nowhere, Legolas rode in on Halifax. Oh how his beautiful long blond hair streamed behind him!
"Sorry I had to trample your lovely turnip garden," Legolas apologized to Lucius, who drew his wand to Avada Kadavra the silly elf.
"Nooooo!" cried Ginny.
Voldemort smirked and said, "Lucius, you look so sinfully and stunningly sexy when you are murderously angry. Attack! Kill the elves!"
Legolas whipped out his big ten inch-I mean his bow, and killed all the Death Eaters. He only wounded Lucius because we like the idea of a helpless, angry, wounded Lucius. Legolas destroyed Voldemort too. He freed Ginny, the fair elfish maiden, and they rode away through the now devastatingly damaged turnip garden of Lucius Malfoy.
"Damn it all! I am bleeding here! Someone help me. Narcissa? Anyone!" shouted Lucius and tried to remove the arrow but that really hurt like a motherfucker, so he quit.
Galadriel, Harry and Snape walked in while arguing heatedly over the Bullwinkle Theorem.
"Whoever maintains that dastardly turnip garden should be caned." declared Galadriel.
"Lucius, you look rather well for a man who has been wounded with an arrow," commented Snape, whisking out more complicated diagrams of the Bullwinkle Theorem. "Now, everyone sit and listen to this."
"Foolish mortal," grumbled Galadriel, seating herself on Voldemort's throne.
"Will one of you help me?" snarled Lucius, struggling to get up.
"Be silent, Lucius!" hissed Snape. "Now, as you can clearly see-"
"Those are the schematics for the Hellraiser Lament Box. Would you look at that, Harry? This snarky brewer of mind-altering liquids is nothing more than a hack." insisted Galadriel.
"At times like these, I would rather be in my cupboard," said Harry, thoroughly bored.
14 hours later...
Galadriel slouched on Voldemort's throne while struggling to keep her eyes open. Harry popped Excedrin to fight off a killer migraine. Snape whisked away the final chart.
"In summation, the playing of Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' during episode 106 of Rocky and Bullwinkle clearly reveals-"
"Professor, no one cares," interrupted Harry, rubbing his pounding forehead.
Snape turned very white and snapped his ruler in half.
"How dare you say such a thing to me, Potter!"
Just then, Dumbledore came in and regarded Snape with a stern expression.
"Severus, I told you to stop forcing the Bullwinkle Theorem on innocent bystanders. I thought we were well beyond this twaddle."
"The Bullwinkle Theorem is not twaddle, Headmaster. I know what I saw!"
Dumbledore sighed. "Yes, I know you did. You also saw the Aurora Borealis in Arkansas and Morgan Le Fay on the front of a box of ice lollies."
Lucius crawled over to Dumbledore and tugged on his robes.
"Please...I feel weak..."
"Yes, yes. Hello to you too, Lucius. Now Severus, I shall have to take you to St. Mungos for reconditioning."
Harry and Galadriel brightened when they heard this. Lucius finally passed out, but he got to go to St. Mungos too because Dumbledore thought he'd been brainwashed to believe the madness of Snape's Bullwinkle Theorem.
In the end, Ginny returned to Hogwarts because Legolas ran off with Aragorn to write screenplays for the next "Leprechaun" sequel. Snape eventually returned to Hogwarts and no longer lectures about the Bullwinkle Theorem. He claims to have recently seen the likeness of Gilderoy Lockhart in a bowl of pudding. Harry has recently completed his 90 day program to cleanse his brain of the toxic fumes of rubber cement. As for the shiny vibrating amulet, it was never seen again.
A/N: I got the idea of the Bullwinkle Theorem from an actual experience in my early teenage years. I spent my summer afternoons watching Rocky and Bullwinkle re-runs and to this day I believe I saw a book in the foreground entitled "Sex on Planet X". I am not making this up and I was not on drugs. Yet again, the idea of Morgan Le Fay on the front of a box of ice lollies is drawn from a true experience when I was 13 or 14. I was on the phone with a friend, opened the freezer and for a split second I saw, not Morgan Le Fay, but Axl Rose on the front of the box. Yes, I was obsessed with Guns N' Roses in my youth. As always, I do not apologize for any sudden change of verb tense. Thank you.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I am not responsible for the Rocky and Bullwinkle show or any characters or concepts from it. The late Tolkien and his estate own all characters and concepts of Middle Earth.
Ginny Weasley was on her way to potions when something caught the corner of her eye. A very shiny sparkling something. Weaving through the mass of students, who were conveniently in too much of a hurry to notice the shiny thing, Ginny approached the shiny object and bent down to retrieve it. Sigh. I wonder what it could possibly be.
It was an amulet and it was pretty! Prepare yourselves for the over detailed description of the amulet: The amulet was beautiful! The end. Just kidding, my hearties! Ahem. The amulet had a pale amethyst jewel that glittered brilliantly in the sun even though this takes place in a windowless section of Hogwarts. It hung on a silver chain and had odd but lovely delicate engravings on the back. Upon closer inspection, Ginny realized the amulet to be in the shape of a 3/4 waning crescent moon in the middle of September. What a find! How lucky for young Ginny that no one else in the entire school had stumbled upon such a unique prize! Perhaps over half the student population needed glasses.
Anyway, Ginny pocketed the amulet and skipped off to potions humming "Ave Maria" because we want to believe she is smart and cultured.
"Miss Weasley!" barked the evil Potions Master, a.k.a the seductive Severus Snape. "You are a millisecond late. Fifty points from Gryffindor and you must buff my golf shoes with a spoon. Now sit down. As I was saying about the Bullwinkle Theorem..."
Bored and unhappy at her ill luck, Ginny produced the gorgeous, sparkly amulet from her robe. Ooooh! Its shininess was mesmerizing, just like Johnny Depp's ass. Then, it vibrated in her hand. You read that correctly, folks, the amulet vibrated. Somehow, Ginny just knew that the amulet was trying to communicate with her!!! Ugh, the stupidity!!!
"...aardvarking? Miss Weasley! Stop staring at your hand and answer the question."
Ginny snapped to attention, quickly hiding the vibrating amulet. Sharp as the devious Snape's eyes were, he, like the rest of Hogwarts, was oblivious to the gleaming amulet.
"I'm sorry, professor. Could you repeat the question?"
Miniature volcanoes erupted in Snape's black eyes, he was so outraged.
"How dare you blatantly ignore my superior intellect, Miss Weasley! I expect a five-thousand-page essay on the arithmancy factors of the Bullwinkle Theorem in direct relation with the absinthe epidemic of the 1800's! Now, pay attention as I draw this pentagram on the blackboard to further illustrate my point on the existence of the Bullwinkle Theorem."
Hermione Granger raised her hand, even though she's not even in the same year as Ginny.
"Sir, the Bullwinkle Theorem is, at best, a weak hypothesis."
"That is your opinion Miss Granger. I know what I saw! On one of the Rocky and Bullwinkle episodes with the Moon Men, I specifically saw a book in the foreground entitled 'Sex on Planet X'! I saw it! Someone else out there saw it as well. They must have."
Colin Creevey sighed and said, "Nearly every Rocky and Bullwinkle episode had the Moon Men, professor."
"Or captain Peach Fuzz," added someone.
"Silence!" ordered Snape.
"Hey, professor, if you grew a moustache and wore a black fedora, you'd look just like Boris Badenov, only taller."
"Shut up, whoever you are!" snarled Snape.
"Yes, Fearless Leader," chorused the class.
Snape kind of liked this title so he let it pass and dismissed everyone.
That evening, Ginny lie on her bed staring at the pretty amulet until her eyes became heavy...
Stand by for idiotic dream sequence in 3...2...1...
Ginny walked in a beautiful forest filled with the faintest sound of rich, melodic music with just a hint of The B52's. She just happened to pass a stream and caught here reflection in the stream's calm, glasslike surface as it rushed like a roaring rapid. She had elf ears! How about that!?! It gets more ridiculous, just wait. Ginny's red hair was now a fiery auburn and trailed to her waist in thick, flowing waves. She wore a dainty tiara that contained the same pale amethyst just like in the amulet she'd found! Her brown eyes had beautiful flecks of gold; her milky white skin like porcelain; the nails the perfect length and shade of mauve; her dress pale green with silver vine-like embroidery and pale lilac ruffles at the bosom, further emphasizing her suddenly very well developed breasts. Okay, so Ginny had a figure like a model would after donning a corset, only Ginny had not donned a corset. Lucky her.
Suddenly, this tall blonde elf lady in a white dress appears (yes, it's Galadriel. I'm telling you this because I'm so horrified you might not see the friggin obvious).
"Ginny...you are my great granddaughter to the millionth power. Evil things are about to happen. Be strong and fulfill your destiny...Oh, and here is Legolas."
Legolas trots out in all his long blond-haired glory and waves at Ginny. Ginny smiles and floats without the use of Wingardium Leviosa. Then she wakes up.
"Damn it! It was just starting to get good," she grumbled.
Twas morning of the next day and Ginny realized she had not written her five-thousand-page essay on the Bullwinkle Theorem. Worse still, she was late for Potions. Then, a bird died. The seas boiled and the skies fell! Worst of all, Snape was waiting very patiently for Virginia Weasley to arrive.
"Sir, may I go? I shouldn't even be here," said Harry Potter, unscrewing the lid off a jar of rubber cement. Snape ordered Harry to be quiet. Harry sighed and said, "Your dictatorship of this class is depressing, and the Bullwinkle Theorem is a joke."
"Out!" shrieked Snape, jutting a long, thin finger at the door. "And put down that rubber cement!"
Harry shook his head as he took his leave. About halfway to the door, he halted and began to taunt Snape.
"How silly of me to touch the rubber cement. Tear your eyes from the rubber cement, children, lest it interfere with the professor's botched Bullwinkle Theorem. Oh look: a K-Mart receipt; it must be part of the Bullwinkle Theorem, too. The bloody Matrix is part of the Bullshit-I mean the Bullwinkle Theorem!"
Snape threw his mug of steaming root beer at the Boy-Who-Lived. At this moment, Ginny walked in. Harry paled.
"Okay, I'm leaving before the nonsensical babble about elfish princesses and other nauseating pointlessness ruin my borderline euphoric state courtesy of inhaling deeply of the rubber cement."
Harry then vanished. Snape grew fangs and glowing red cat's eyes in his wrath at Ginny's tardiness.
"Miss Weasley!" he roared. "Where is your five-thousand-page essay on the Bullsh-I mean the Bullwinkle Theorem? Don't any of you dare laugh at my slip up!" Snape glared the evil glare of certain doom at his pupils.
"Dobby mistook it for toilet paper?" asked Ginny, hoping Snape would believe her.
Snape did not believe her. However, just then the amulet glowed brightly and vibrated anew and Ginny was revealed to the elfish princess she really was just like in her dream! And I apologize for that grammatical travesty.
Then Voldemort attacked the school and lots of people died! Oh my God! He kidnapped Ginny and took her to his secret lair beneath Lucius Malfoy's prized turnip garden. Snape beheld the dead bodies in the aftermath of the onslaught and cried. Now there was no one left to teach about the Bullwinkle Theorem. Oh no! Harry Potter had survived! Snape cried; he loathed young Potter for mocking his Bullshit-I mean Bullwinkle Theorem.
In Voldemort's lair, Voldemort chained Ginny to the wall and began the elaborate pre-sacrificial activities. He and the other Death Eaters made pleasant small talk while drinking martinis. He then complimented Lucius on his delightful turnip garden. Ginny cried because she just knew that all was lost!
Out of nowhere, Legolas rode in on Halifax. Oh how his beautiful long blond hair streamed behind him!
"Sorry I had to trample your lovely turnip garden," Legolas apologized to Lucius, who drew his wand to Avada Kadavra the silly elf.
"Nooooo!" cried Ginny.
Voldemort smirked and said, "Lucius, you look so sinfully and stunningly sexy when you are murderously angry. Attack! Kill the elves!"
Legolas whipped out his big ten inch-I mean his bow, and killed all the Death Eaters. He only wounded Lucius because we like the idea of a helpless, angry, wounded Lucius. Legolas destroyed Voldemort too. He freed Ginny, the fair elfish maiden, and they rode away through the now devastatingly damaged turnip garden of Lucius Malfoy.
"Damn it all! I am bleeding here! Someone help me. Narcissa? Anyone!" shouted Lucius and tried to remove the arrow but that really hurt like a motherfucker, so he quit.
Galadriel, Harry and Snape walked in while arguing heatedly over the Bullwinkle Theorem.
"Whoever maintains that dastardly turnip garden should be caned." declared Galadriel.
"Lucius, you look rather well for a man who has been wounded with an arrow," commented Snape, whisking out more complicated diagrams of the Bullwinkle Theorem. "Now, everyone sit and listen to this."
"Foolish mortal," grumbled Galadriel, seating herself on Voldemort's throne.
"Will one of you help me?" snarled Lucius, struggling to get up.
"Be silent, Lucius!" hissed Snape. "Now, as you can clearly see-"
"Those are the schematics for the Hellraiser Lament Box. Would you look at that, Harry? This snarky brewer of mind-altering liquids is nothing more than a hack." insisted Galadriel.
"At times like these, I would rather be in my cupboard," said Harry, thoroughly bored.
14 hours later...
Galadriel slouched on Voldemort's throne while struggling to keep her eyes open. Harry popped Excedrin to fight off a killer migraine. Snape whisked away the final chart.
"In summation, the playing of Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' during episode 106 of Rocky and Bullwinkle clearly reveals-"
"Professor, no one cares," interrupted Harry, rubbing his pounding forehead.
Snape turned very white and snapped his ruler in half.
"How dare you say such a thing to me, Potter!"
Just then, Dumbledore came in and regarded Snape with a stern expression.
"Severus, I told you to stop forcing the Bullwinkle Theorem on innocent bystanders. I thought we were well beyond this twaddle."
"The Bullwinkle Theorem is not twaddle, Headmaster. I know what I saw!"
Dumbledore sighed. "Yes, I know you did. You also saw the Aurora Borealis in Arkansas and Morgan Le Fay on the front of a box of ice lollies."
Lucius crawled over to Dumbledore and tugged on his robes.
"Please...I feel weak..."
"Yes, yes. Hello to you too, Lucius. Now Severus, I shall have to take you to St. Mungos for reconditioning."
Harry and Galadriel brightened when they heard this. Lucius finally passed out, but he got to go to St. Mungos too because Dumbledore thought he'd been brainwashed to believe the madness of Snape's Bullwinkle Theorem.
In the end, Ginny returned to Hogwarts because Legolas ran off with Aragorn to write screenplays for the next "Leprechaun" sequel. Snape eventually returned to Hogwarts and no longer lectures about the Bullwinkle Theorem. He claims to have recently seen the likeness of Gilderoy Lockhart in a bowl of pudding. Harry has recently completed his 90 day program to cleanse his brain of the toxic fumes of rubber cement. As for the shiny vibrating amulet, it was never seen again.
A/N: I got the idea of the Bullwinkle Theorem from an actual experience in my early teenage years. I spent my summer afternoons watching Rocky and Bullwinkle re-runs and to this day I believe I saw a book in the foreground entitled "Sex on Planet X". I am not making this up and I was not on drugs. Yet again, the idea of Morgan Le Fay on the front of a box of ice lollies is drawn from a true experience when I was 13 or 14. I was on the phone with a friend, opened the freezer and for a split second I saw, not Morgan Le Fay, but Axl Rose on the front of the box. Yes, I was obsessed with Guns N' Roses in my youth. As always, I do not apologize for any sudden change of verb tense. Thank you.