Disclaimer: I don't own Sirius, Remus, Harry, the Dursleys, and Ripper, who
are all owned by J.K. Rowling, or the song "Who Let the Dogs Out?" which I
think is owned by the Baha Men.
A/N: And so another adventure begins...that of writing another chapter. I'm having a harder time with this chapter than I did with the second one, but I'll try my best and as long as you like it, whatever floats your boat, right? Review please!
Who Let the Dogs Out?
This wasn't much worse than Remus could ever have imagined, but it was pretty close. If Sirius's dog instincts took over, they would all be in big trouble, especially Remus. After weighing all the facts carefully, Remus quickly came to the conclusion that this could get very nasty.
It did. In response to Sirius's behavior, Ripper's hackles rose and he also bared his teeth threateningly. As Marge tried to calm him, Remus caught phrases like "naughty Wipper mustn't bodder the nice gentewman," and "Oh wook! Dere's that scumbag Hawwy! Doesn't he wook appetizing? Mmm- mmm! Now why don't you just weave Mistew Bwown awone?" He realized that unless he stopped Sirius, even promises of mauling Harry after dinner wouldn't stop Ripper from going for his throat.
"Oh, Sir-Sidney, you old teaser," he said jovially, putting an arm around Sirius's shoulder and unobtrusively pinching him so hard that he actually shut up for a second. "Knock it off. I'm sorry, he's always doing this to people's pets," he added for Marge's benefit, although he really needn't have bothered. He suspected she was so dense that if a flock of Ministry owls came through the window, she'd start complaining about birds migrating out of season.
The act wasn't working on Mr. Dursley, who was now giving Remus murderous looks whenever Marge looked away, but Remus decided that since he was at the other end of the table he wasn't a major concern for the moment. Instead, he focused on the ever-more-depressing state of affairs. If he could, he wanted to get Sirius out of there before he lost control and turned into a dog. Besides getting him in trouble with the Ministry, it could also get them both killed by Harry's psychotic relatives.
Before he could really start thinking properly about workable solutions to his dire problem, he realized with horror that Sirius's shoulder was changing in his grasp. It was becoming more rounded and-could it be?- furry. [No, this is not happening, my best friend is not doing something terminally stupid that will get us both killed, everything is going to be just fine...]
It was apparently one of those numerous instances where the power of positive thinking is negligible. Sirius was indeed turning into his canine self. The only remotely comforting thing about the situation was that Marge hadn't seen, though the rest of the table had and Mrs. Dursley was only with difficulty stifling a scream. All of Dudley's two dozen chins folded into each other as his jaw dropped. Harry's expression hadn't changed much; it still said, "Why does this always happen to *me*?" Remus thought this a very good question, but it didn't look as though he would have any time to answer it right now.
Marge interrupted his musings, such as they were, with a shriek. Her eyes were fixed firmly on Sirius, and her eyes were wide with shock. [Oh, no,] Remus thought. [This is it...something's finally going to get through that thick skull of hers.] He waited for the blow to fall.
"What is that mongrel doing here?" she demanded in a high-pitched voice, her face going a lovely shade of deep purple that matched Mr. Dursley's exactly. Sirius's tail stopped wagging at this insult, and Remus only hoped he wouldn't attack her. "And where has dear Mr. Brown gone?" Apparently Remus's original estimate of her mentality and imagination had been right on the money, since she still hadn't noticed anything even slightly unusual going on.
"Um, he just, uh, went out to the car to get some...drill bits," Remus lied, not sure if even Marge was dumb enough to buy that one. She was.
"My, he certainly moves fast," she boomed. "But that dog!" She glared at Sirius suspiciously. "How did he get in?" Remus was getting really tired of having to think up new lies to cover for Sirius, but the alternative, giving Marge an opportunity to work out what was going on herself, sounded like even less fun. He sighed inwardly.
"Perhaps you left the door open when you let Ripper in," he suggested. Alas, if only Sirius was a stray dog. Then he and Ripper might actually get along tolerably. Unfortunately, he was a drunk Animagus instead, a combination which, in Remus's experience, always led to trouble such as eviction from bars, abrupt endings to promising dates, and...dogfights. Speaking of...
Ripper had now escaped from Marge's affectionate stranglehold and was preparing to launch himself at Sirius. He didn't seem perturbed by the fact that Sirius was roughly twice his size, only eager to start the fight. Lamentably, the feeling appeared to be mutual. Remus tried to hold Sirius back, but this was no easy task at the best of times, let alone when Sirius was an enormous, tipsy dog.
With a growl, Sirius tackled Ripper and they went rolling around the dining room in a blur of black fur and flashing teeth. Marge jumped up with a cry and seized a walking stick by her chair. She began hitting Sirius with it whenever she could get a clear shot without hitting her pwecious Wipper. Although Remus knew he ought to feel angry at this abuse of his friend, he had to admit that he was enjoying it immensely.
At least, he was until the dogs took the fight into the living room, where there were entirely too many breakable objects for Remus's comfort. The scuffle took on immense and terrifying proportions as a small vase whizzed past his ear and smashed against the wall behind him. Mrs. Dursley screamed, "Don't worry, Duddykins honey, I'll protect you!" She tried to put herself between him and the flying knickknacks, but it didn't work too well since he was about three times as wide as she was. It was lucky that Dudley had so much padding, as it seemed to insulate him from much of the shock of being hit with small breakable objects. In fact, Remus got the distinct impression that he was actually having fun watching Harry dodging Mrs. Dursley's glass animal collection. He was just contemplating sneaking up from behind and giving Dudley a good whack upside the head when something very odd happened. The fight stopped completely.
Actually, it had probably been slowing down for some time, but Remus had been too busy dodging family photos and watching Dudley to notice. Some sort of consensus now seemed to have been reached, as Sirius and Ripper were now circling each other, acting more curious than hostile. Remus felt this was a good thing until, as if by agreement, they both headed for the front door. The prospect of Sirius unleashed on the unsuspecting neighborhood didn't bear thinking about, but since it was happening Remus didn't have much choice in the matter. He once more racked his brain for some way of stopping Sirius. Finding no better plan than trying to stop him physically, which he already knew wouldn't work, he settled for following him to try to keep him out of trouble. The Dursleys and Harry apparently had the same idea and were all right behind him as he scrambled down the front steps after Sirius.
At first it looked as if the dogs weren't sure where they were going, but after ten minutes of following them around the neighborhood Remus was certain of it. "How long are we going to be doing this?" Harry whispered to him. He shrugged and shook his head helplessly.
A few minutes later, he wished the dogs would just keep wandering aimlessly for a few more hours, but it was too late. As they rounded a street corner, a pair of green eyes glowed at them from a hedge, reflected by the streetlight. "No!" Harry gasped. "It can't be! It *is!* It's...Mrs. Figg's house!" He collapsed on the sidewalk in despair.
Remus was somewhat confused. "What?" he asked, wondering what could possibly be so terrible about Mrs. Figg. Meanwhile, he watched Sirius inching closer to the hedge out of the corner of his eye.
"Cats," Harry moaned weakly, raising his head for a moment before letting it drop hopelessly. "Oh, we are in deep trouble now."
And so they were. Half a dozen cats stared at them from various spots around Mrs. Figg's yard in varying states of nervousness and contempt. Of course, Sirius and Ripper went absolutely nuts, tearing around the yard in a frenzy of canine excitement that would have cowed a mountain lion. Remus yelled at them for a minute before deciding that was just as useless as yelling at Sirius any other time and ended up just standing there on the sidewalk feeling idiotic. Suddenly, a thought struck him. [Cats...Figg...no, it couldn't be...Arabella?!]
The thought of having someone he actually knew around to help was comforting-or as comforting as anything could be in this situation. The comfort, however, lasted only until he could no longer ignore the anguished noises from the yard. Wearily, he peered into the darkness to see what the heck was happening to those poor cats.
All the cats were now clustered in two spindly ornamental pear trees, which were bending and creaking ominously under their weight. No, wait...Remus suddenly realized what the main source of the dogs' agitation was. There was one cat left on the ground, clawing and spitting for all it was worth. Even Sirius seemed to have enough sense-the word "brains" really wasn't applicable-to keep a safe distance from it.
Remus squinted harder to get a better look at it. In the faint light from the streetlamp behind him, he could make out a large tabby cat with very distinctive markings. In fact, it looked almost as if the cat were wearing large, square spectacles...Somehow that rang several bells, which all clanged around together in his head making his ears ring and giving him a headache.
He stared at the cat, knowing he should recognize it, but he couldn't think why. Suddenly an image came unbidden to his mind of a tall, severe black- haired woman with square spectacles exactly like the cat. Remus sucked his breath in sharply. [McGonagall!] Followed closely by, [Oh, no...I can't bear to watch.]
Remus turned away, but he couldn't block out the sounds of dogs whining and yelping in pain. Although he couldn't help feeling a little sorry for Sirius, Remus was heartily enjoying the thought of what Ripper would look like the next morning.
"OUT, YOU MANGY DOGS!" screeched a familiar voice. Arabella Figg stood framed by her front door, wielding a fearsome broomstick with a grip that proved beyond a doubt she was at one time the star Beater on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. "I'll call the dog catchers!" she threatened fiercely, shaking the broom. Then she caught sight of the small group huddled on the sidewalk. "Your dogs, are they?" she snapped. "Well, if they're not out of my yard in ten seconds flat, you can count on your precious pooches being carted off to the pound!"
"Arabe-" Remus began weakly, but she didn't even notice him.
"In fact, I believe if I call now, they should be here in about..." She checked her watch. "Seven minutes." Arabella favored both dogs with the angriest look Remus had ever seen, even counting the time Sirius had dyed Lily Potter's hair purple in third year. Then she marched inside, slamming the door after her.
There were a few seconds of stunned silence. Then Marge took action. "Wipper!" she called sweetly. "Settwe down, now. Weave dose nasty owd cats awone befowe you get in twoubwe." Poow wittle Wipper seemed only too happy to oblige, considering the beating McGonagall had just given him. He flung himself yelping into Marge's arms.
"Come on, Marge. We're not going to stay here one second longer," Mr. Dursley barked, practically spitting the words into Remus's face. She hesitated, glancing at Remus.
"Go on, go on," he said brightly, hoping he didn't sound too eager to be rid of the lot of them. "Very pleased to meet you, a good evening to you all." [Now please just GO AWAY!] Harry didn't dare say anything under the baleful glare of his uncle, but he offered Remus a weak smile and a small wave as they left.
[Oh, blessed freedom,] Remus thought blissfully. He had finally escaped the dinner that would not die. Now all he had to do was get Sirius safely away from McGonagall and then...thirteen kilometers back home. Oh well, he would worry about that later. For now, his main objective was to avoid having Sirius spend the night at the city pound.
But Sirius apparently wasn't ready to give up yet. Weaving slightly, he bravely marched forth once more into battle. At this point, Remus knew he had to try once more to save Sirius from his fate before McGonagall traumatized him for life or the dog catchers came to pick him up. Hoping it wouldn't be the last thing he ever did, he timidly stepped across the lawn toward the antagonists.
"McGonagall," he whispered urgently. She stopped hissing at Sirius for a second, eyes turning to fix disconcertingly on him. Remus swallowed. "Look, I really need to get him out of here," he muttered. "Please, I'll explain later. Just let him go, okay?"
She gave him a rather disappointed look. He held his breath to see what would happen. Slowly, she disengaged her claws from Sirius's stomach and primly walked off, tail held high.
Remus breathed a deep sigh of relief. He definitely had enough time to get Sirius out of there before the dog catchers showed up. "Come on, Sirius," he coaxed, holding out his hand. "Gooood rum-soaked doggie. Come on now." To his immense frustration, Sirius just sat there. For a moment, Remus was puzzled. Then he groaned in realization as he remembered something he had tried very hard to forget.
The Sirius Black Ritual of Losership was something Sirius had adhered to without fail since their first school days together. It usually involved standing or sitting at the scene of his defeat, moping and sulking for about ten minutes before he would talk to anyone or go anywhere. Usually this was a minor annoyance-under normal circumstances. Under abnormal and insane circumstances like these, it was an extremely major problem.
Looking around furtively and listening for cars, Remus knelt by Sirius. "Look, you idiot," he hissed. "We've got to get out of here pronto!" Sirius didn't seem to think so. He whined softly, but gave no other indication that he was aware of Remus's presence or the dire threat of dog catchers. "This is no time for a pity party, Sirius!" Remus howled furiously.
But despite his admonishment, the party was really swinging now. Sirius was going into the Tantrum Phase of his ritual, never a pretty sight. When the tantrum-thrower was an enormous dog, it was decidedly scary. Remus tried to ignore the fact that his best friend, who he would like very much to kill at the moment, was rolling around in circles emitting pitiful whines and soft howls of humiliation. "Get up, you stupid dog," he grunted, trying to pick him up one last time.
Sirius growled softly. Remus froze. He remembered all too well what had happened the one and only time he had ever successfully disrupted Sirius's ritual. Letting go of Sirius very slowly and carefully, Remus edged away.
"Well," he said in a shaky, falsely cheerful voice, backing toward the tree. "This, uh, tree looks like a nice place to rest. I'll just-" He reached for a limb to pull himself up. "-stay-" He swung up into the branches. "-up here for a while, shall I?"
Remus relaxed slightly as Sirius sat back down on the lawn. After a brief pause, he resumed his rolling, moaning, and general sackcloth-and-ashes routine to Remus's great relief. His temporary security lasted all of two seconds, at which time he was reminded of Arabella's threat by the sound of an automobile about a block away.
A large truck swung around the corner, LITTLE WHINGING ANIMAL CONTROL emblazoned on its side. Remus groaned as it screeched to a halt directly in front of the house. Oblivious to the two burly men heading for him, Sirius continued to vocalize his shame and grief.
"All right, come on, big boy," one of the men said, motioning to the other to help him get Sirius. Sirius, immersed in his ritual, actually seemed not to notice when they lifted him with an effort and lugged him over to the back of the truck. Remus could hear their voices, though he could no longer see them clearly.
"Little old lady *puff* around here *gasp* said you were makin' some trouble. Blimey, you're heavy. *wheeze* Hmm. No collar, eh? Well then, 'fraid you're just gonna have to spend the night with us." The men closed the door, and Remus began to hear a faint scratching sound from inside.
Getting back into the cab, the two men slammed the doors and the engine started with a roar. The truck turned around and zoomed back down the street. Remus sat in silence, listening to the ominous sound of the branch under him creaking. [You idiot! You let them get away! Oh my gosh, I've got to-]
CRACK-FWWMP. The branch broke and down went Remus. He landed hard on the ground and sat dazed for a second. Then, with an effort, he gathered himself together and got up. Wondering why his life was so insane, he dashed up the street after the disappearing taillights of the Animal Control truck.
A/N: Well, I thought it was going to be really hard to write this until I thought of Sirius and Ripper loose in the neighborhood. Then the first thing I thought was cats and from there it was only a small step to McGonagall. This chapter makes this story officially my longest with four chapters. Not a big deal, but kinda makes me feel good to know I've got something with four chapters. Hopefully five soon because Coming As Soon As I Can Get The Time To Write Something Even Slightly Intelligent: How Much is That Doggie in the Window?
A/N: And so another adventure begins...that of writing another chapter. I'm having a harder time with this chapter than I did with the second one, but I'll try my best and as long as you like it, whatever floats your boat, right? Review please!
Who Let the Dogs Out?
This wasn't much worse than Remus could ever have imagined, but it was pretty close. If Sirius's dog instincts took over, they would all be in big trouble, especially Remus. After weighing all the facts carefully, Remus quickly came to the conclusion that this could get very nasty.
It did. In response to Sirius's behavior, Ripper's hackles rose and he also bared his teeth threateningly. As Marge tried to calm him, Remus caught phrases like "naughty Wipper mustn't bodder the nice gentewman," and "Oh wook! Dere's that scumbag Hawwy! Doesn't he wook appetizing? Mmm- mmm! Now why don't you just weave Mistew Bwown awone?" He realized that unless he stopped Sirius, even promises of mauling Harry after dinner wouldn't stop Ripper from going for his throat.
"Oh, Sir-Sidney, you old teaser," he said jovially, putting an arm around Sirius's shoulder and unobtrusively pinching him so hard that he actually shut up for a second. "Knock it off. I'm sorry, he's always doing this to people's pets," he added for Marge's benefit, although he really needn't have bothered. He suspected she was so dense that if a flock of Ministry owls came through the window, she'd start complaining about birds migrating out of season.
The act wasn't working on Mr. Dursley, who was now giving Remus murderous looks whenever Marge looked away, but Remus decided that since he was at the other end of the table he wasn't a major concern for the moment. Instead, he focused on the ever-more-depressing state of affairs. If he could, he wanted to get Sirius out of there before he lost control and turned into a dog. Besides getting him in trouble with the Ministry, it could also get them both killed by Harry's psychotic relatives.
Before he could really start thinking properly about workable solutions to his dire problem, he realized with horror that Sirius's shoulder was changing in his grasp. It was becoming more rounded and-could it be?- furry. [No, this is not happening, my best friend is not doing something terminally stupid that will get us both killed, everything is going to be just fine...]
It was apparently one of those numerous instances where the power of positive thinking is negligible. Sirius was indeed turning into his canine self. The only remotely comforting thing about the situation was that Marge hadn't seen, though the rest of the table had and Mrs. Dursley was only with difficulty stifling a scream. All of Dudley's two dozen chins folded into each other as his jaw dropped. Harry's expression hadn't changed much; it still said, "Why does this always happen to *me*?" Remus thought this a very good question, but it didn't look as though he would have any time to answer it right now.
Marge interrupted his musings, such as they were, with a shriek. Her eyes were fixed firmly on Sirius, and her eyes were wide with shock. [Oh, no,] Remus thought. [This is it...something's finally going to get through that thick skull of hers.] He waited for the blow to fall.
"What is that mongrel doing here?" she demanded in a high-pitched voice, her face going a lovely shade of deep purple that matched Mr. Dursley's exactly. Sirius's tail stopped wagging at this insult, and Remus only hoped he wouldn't attack her. "And where has dear Mr. Brown gone?" Apparently Remus's original estimate of her mentality and imagination had been right on the money, since she still hadn't noticed anything even slightly unusual going on.
"Um, he just, uh, went out to the car to get some...drill bits," Remus lied, not sure if even Marge was dumb enough to buy that one. She was.
"My, he certainly moves fast," she boomed. "But that dog!" She glared at Sirius suspiciously. "How did he get in?" Remus was getting really tired of having to think up new lies to cover for Sirius, but the alternative, giving Marge an opportunity to work out what was going on herself, sounded like even less fun. He sighed inwardly.
"Perhaps you left the door open when you let Ripper in," he suggested. Alas, if only Sirius was a stray dog. Then he and Ripper might actually get along tolerably. Unfortunately, he was a drunk Animagus instead, a combination which, in Remus's experience, always led to trouble such as eviction from bars, abrupt endings to promising dates, and...dogfights. Speaking of...
Ripper had now escaped from Marge's affectionate stranglehold and was preparing to launch himself at Sirius. He didn't seem perturbed by the fact that Sirius was roughly twice his size, only eager to start the fight. Lamentably, the feeling appeared to be mutual. Remus tried to hold Sirius back, but this was no easy task at the best of times, let alone when Sirius was an enormous, tipsy dog.
With a growl, Sirius tackled Ripper and they went rolling around the dining room in a blur of black fur and flashing teeth. Marge jumped up with a cry and seized a walking stick by her chair. She began hitting Sirius with it whenever she could get a clear shot without hitting her pwecious Wipper. Although Remus knew he ought to feel angry at this abuse of his friend, he had to admit that he was enjoying it immensely.
At least, he was until the dogs took the fight into the living room, where there were entirely too many breakable objects for Remus's comfort. The scuffle took on immense and terrifying proportions as a small vase whizzed past his ear and smashed against the wall behind him. Mrs. Dursley screamed, "Don't worry, Duddykins honey, I'll protect you!" She tried to put herself between him and the flying knickknacks, but it didn't work too well since he was about three times as wide as she was. It was lucky that Dudley had so much padding, as it seemed to insulate him from much of the shock of being hit with small breakable objects. In fact, Remus got the distinct impression that he was actually having fun watching Harry dodging Mrs. Dursley's glass animal collection. He was just contemplating sneaking up from behind and giving Dudley a good whack upside the head when something very odd happened. The fight stopped completely.
Actually, it had probably been slowing down for some time, but Remus had been too busy dodging family photos and watching Dudley to notice. Some sort of consensus now seemed to have been reached, as Sirius and Ripper were now circling each other, acting more curious than hostile. Remus felt this was a good thing until, as if by agreement, they both headed for the front door. The prospect of Sirius unleashed on the unsuspecting neighborhood didn't bear thinking about, but since it was happening Remus didn't have much choice in the matter. He once more racked his brain for some way of stopping Sirius. Finding no better plan than trying to stop him physically, which he already knew wouldn't work, he settled for following him to try to keep him out of trouble. The Dursleys and Harry apparently had the same idea and were all right behind him as he scrambled down the front steps after Sirius.
At first it looked as if the dogs weren't sure where they were going, but after ten minutes of following them around the neighborhood Remus was certain of it. "How long are we going to be doing this?" Harry whispered to him. He shrugged and shook his head helplessly.
A few minutes later, he wished the dogs would just keep wandering aimlessly for a few more hours, but it was too late. As they rounded a street corner, a pair of green eyes glowed at them from a hedge, reflected by the streetlight. "No!" Harry gasped. "It can't be! It *is!* It's...Mrs. Figg's house!" He collapsed on the sidewalk in despair.
Remus was somewhat confused. "What?" he asked, wondering what could possibly be so terrible about Mrs. Figg. Meanwhile, he watched Sirius inching closer to the hedge out of the corner of his eye.
"Cats," Harry moaned weakly, raising his head for a moment before letting it drop hopelessly. "Oh, we are in deep trouble now."
And so they were. Half a dozen cats stared at them from various spots around Mrs. Figg's yard in varying states of nervousness and contempt. Of course, Sirius and Ripper went absolutely nuts, tearing around the yard in a frenzy of canine excitement that would have cowed a mountain lion. Remus yelled at them for a minute before deciding that was just as useless as yelling at Sirius any other time and ended up just standing there on the sidewalk feeling idiotic. Suddenly, a thought struck him. [Cats...Figg...no, it couldn't be...Arabella?!]
The thought of having someone he actually knew around to help was comforting-or as comforting as anything could be in this situation. The comfort, however, lasted only until he could no longer ignore the anguished noises from the yard. Wearily, he peered into the darkness to see what the heck was happening to those poor cats.
All the cats were now clustered in two spindly ornamental pear trees, which were bending and creaking ominously under their weight. No, wait...Remus suddenly realized what the main source of the dogs' agitation was. There was one cat left on the ground, clawing and spitting for all it was worth. Even Sirius seemed to have enough sense-the word "brains" really wasn't applicable-to keep a safe distance from it.
Remus squinted harder to get a better look at it. In the faint light from the streetlamp behind him, he could make out a large tabby cat with very distinctive markings. In fact, it looked almost as if the cat were wearing large, square spectacles...Somehow that rang several bells, which all clanged around together in his head making his ears ring and giving him a headache.
He stared at the cat, knowing he should recognize it, but he couldn't think why. Suddenly an image came unbidden to his mind of a tall, severe black- haired woman with square spectacles exactly like the cat. Remus sucked his breath in sharply. [McGonagall!] Followed closely by, [Oh, no...I can't bear to watch.]
Remus turned away, but he couldn't block out the sounds of dogs whining and yelping in pain. Although he couldn't help feeling a little sorry for Sirius, Remus was heartily enjoying the thought of what Ripper would look like the next morning.
"OUT, YOU MANGY DOGS!" screeched a familiar voice. Arabella Figg stood framed by her front door, wielding a fearsome broomstick with a grip that proved beyond a doubt she was at one time the star Beater on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. "I'll call the dog catchers!" she threatened fiercely, shaking the broom. Then she caught sight of the small group huddled on the sidewalk. "Your dogs, are they?" she snapped. "Well, if they're not out of my yard in ten seconds flat, you can count on your precious pooches being carted off to the pound!"
"Arabe-" Remus began weakly, but she didn't even notice him.
"In fact, I believe if I call now, they should be here in about..." She checked her watch. "Seven minutes." Arabella favored both dogs with the angriest look Remus had ever seen, even counting the time Sirius had dyed Lily Potter's hair purple in third year. Then she marched inside, slamming the door after her.
There were a few seconds of stunned silence. Then Marge took action. "Wipper!" she called sweetly. "Settwe down, now. Weave dose nasty owd cats awone befowe you get in twoubwe." Poow wittle Wipper seemed only too happy to oblige, considering the beating McGonagall had just given him. He flung himself yelping into Marge's arms.
"Come on, Marge. We're not going to stay here one second longer," Mr. Dursley barked, practically spitting the words into Remus's face. She hesitated, glancing at Remus.
"Go on, go on," he said brightly, hoping he didn't sound too eager to be rid of the lot of them. "Very pleased to meet you, a good evening to you all." [Now please just GO AWAY!] Harry didn't dare say anything under the baleful glare of his uncle, but he offered Remus a weak smile and a small wave as they left.
[Oh, blessed freedom,] Remus thought blissfully. He had finally escaped the dinner that would not die. Now all he had to do was get Sirius safely away from McGonagall and then...thirteen kilometers back home. Oh well, he would worry about that later. For now, his main objective was to avoid having Sirius spend the night at the city pound.
But Sirius apparently wasn't ready to give up yet. Weaving slightly, he bravely marched forth once more into battle. At this point, Remus knew he had to try once more to save Sirius from his fate before McGonagall traumatized him for life or the dog catchers came to pick him up. Hoping it wouldn't be the last thing he ever did, he timidly stepped across the lawn toward the antagonists.
"McGonagall," he whispered urgently. She stopped hissing at Sirius for a second, eyes turning to fix disconcertingly on him. Remus swallowed. "Look, I really need to get him out of here," he muttered. "Please, I'll explain later. Just let him go, okay?"
She gave him a rather disappointed look. He held his breath to see what would happen. Slowly, she disengaged her claws from Sirius's stomach and primly walked off, tail held high.
Remus breathed a deep sigh of relief. He definitely had enough time to get Sirius out of there before the dog catchers showed up. "Come on, Sirius," he coaxed, holding out his hand. "Gooood rum-soaked doggie. Come on now." To his immense frustration, Sirius just sat there. For a moment, Remus was puzzled. Then he groaned in realization as he remembered something he had tried very hard to forget.
The Sirius Black Ritual of Losership was something Sirius had adhered to without fail since their first school days together. It usually involved standing or sitting at the scene of his defeat, moping and sulking for about ten minutes before he would talk to anyone or go anywhere. Usually this was a minor annoyance-under normal circumstances. Under abnormal and insane circumstances like these, it was an extremely major problem.
Looking around furtively and listening for cars, Remus knelt by Sirius. "Look, you idiot," he hissed. "We've got to get out of here pronto!" Sirius didn't seem to think so. He whined softly, but gave no other indication that he was aware of Remus's presence or the dire threat of dog catchers. "This is no time for a pity party, Sirius!" Remus howled furiously.
But despite his admonishment, the party was really swinging now. Sirius was going into the Tantrum Phase of his ritual, never a pretty sight. When the tantrum-thrower was an enormous dog, it was decidedly scary. Remus tried to ignore the fact that his best friend, who he would like very much to kill at the moment, was rolling around in circles emitting pitiful whines and soft howls of humiliation. "Get up, you stupid dog," he grunted, trying to pick him up one last time.
Sirius growled softly. Remus froze. He remembered all too well what had happened the one and only time he had ever successfully disrupted Sirius's ritual. Letting go of Sirius very slowly and carefully, Remus edged away.
"Well," he said in a shaky, falsely cheerful voice, backing toward the tree. "This, uh, tree looks like a nice place to rest. I'll just-" He reached for a limb to pull himself up. "-stay-" He swung up into the branches. "-up here for a while, shall I?"
Remus relaxed slightly as Sirius sat back down on the lawn. After a brief pause, he resumed his rolling, moaning, and general sackcloth-and-ashes routine to Remus's great relief. His temporary security lasted all of two seconds, at which time he was reminded of Arabella's threat by the sound of an automobile about a block away.
A large truck swung around the corner, LITTLE WHINGING ANIMAL CONTROL emblazoned on its side. Remus groaned as it screeched to a halt directly in front of the house. Oblivious to the two burly men heading for him, Sirius continued to vocalize his shame and grief.
"All right, come on, big boy," one of the men said, motioning to the other to help him get Sirius. Sirius, immersed in his ritual, actually seemed not to notice when they lifted him with an effort and lugged him over to the back of the truck. Remus could hear their voices, though he could no longer see them clearly.
"Little old lady *puff* around here *gasp* said you were makin' some trouble. Blimey, you're heavy. *wheeze* Hmm. No collar, eh? Well then, 'fraid you're just gonna have to spend the night with us." The men closed the door, and Remus began to hear a faint scratching sound from inside.
Getting back into the cab, the two men slammed the doors and the engine started with a roar. The truck turned around and zoomed back down the street. Remus sat in silence, listening to the ominous sound of the branch under him creaking. [You idiot! You let them get away! Oh my gosh, I've got to-]
CRACK-FWWMP. The branch broke and down went Remus. He landed hard on the ground and sat dazed for a second. Then, with an effort, he gathered himself together and got up. Wondering why his life was so insane, he dashed up the street after the disappearing taillights of the Animal Control truck.
A/N: Well, I thought it was going to be really hard to write this until I thought of Sirius and Ripper loose in the neighborhood. Then the first thing I thought was cats and from there it was only a small step to McGonagall. This chapter makes this story officially my longest with four chapters. Not a big deal, but kinda makes me feel good to know I've got something with four chapters. Hopefully five soon because Coming As Soon As I Can Get The Time To Write Something Even Slightly Intelligent: How Much is That Doggie in the Window?