We're BACK! With yet another episode of YuGiOh characters in the wonderful world of the Disc! Thanks for the encouraging reviews.
At least half the blame…err credit…for this fanfic belongs to Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain, my co-author.
NOTE: Please remember to read the footnotes!
DISCLAIMER: See chapter 1
On with the show…
Chapter 2 The Insanity Continues
Why am I so cold? And why does my head hurt?
Jounouchi Katsuya opened his amber eyes slowly, and found himself staring at some oddly-shaped paving stones. He blinked, realizing he could feel all too much of the surface he lay on. Goosebumps ran over his exposed anatomy.
What the hell? Even in his mind, it came out as puzzled whimper. They took my boxers; my Duel Disk; and MY DECK!
Indeed, all he possessed now was a single small piece of paper, written in English.
"Official Receipt from Thieves Guild, Ankh-Morpork.
Please keep as proof of one (1) minor theft…
MINOR theft! They took my deck! [1]
In the event of a further attempt, please present receipt. Good until Hogswatchnight.
Several years had been written in, and subsequently crossed out. Jounouchi stared at the paper, unable to believe it. They robbed me, and they gave me a receipt? What kind of a place is this? No way he, or anyone he knew would be so stupid as to prove they robbed somebody.
"Excuse me…"
Jounouchi spun around, careful to remain seated and keep certain things shielded. This receipt wasn't big enough to help in that area.
A small man, dressed in armour and a leather skirt stood on the cobbles at the entrance to the alley, a look of concern on his face. The badge clearly displayed on his shirt caught Jounouchi's full attention.
He sprang to his feet, ready to protest. Before he could speak, however, the newcomer continued.
"Have you heard the Glorious Word of Om?"
"Oro?"
"Om." The man gave a small smile, holding out a handful of paper.
"Constable Visit."[2] A very large man filled the entrance to the alley, to the point where he seemed to be blocking out the sunlight. Besides his sheer size, the first thing Jounouchi noticed was the bright red hair and genial smile. "I don't think the young gentleman is quite in need of religious instruction at this time." His eyes flickered down to what Jounouchi was - or rather, wasn't - wearing. "Though perhaps a couple pamphlets may come in handy."
Visit handed over some reams of paper with a look of near insane eagerness on his face.[3] Jounouchi wrapped the sheets around his waist, finding some large enough to wrap around his waist twice.
"Do you need an escort home?" the large red-head asked, in a tone of polite concern. Luckily, hanging with Ryou Bakura had improved Jounouchi's English skills to the point where he thought he could make himself understood.
"Um…I not have house do…" Damnit, why couldn't he have landed somewhere else? He tried again. "Watashi no haha desu ne…"
"Aa." the redheaded man said, then continued in perfect, unaccented Japanese. "Hello, I am Captain Carrot of the Anhk-Morpork City Watch. Do you need an escort home?"[4]
"Ummm." Depended on what this man meant by 'escort'. He was, after all, wearing a skirt.[5] Finally he decided on the truth. "I don't know where I am, sir. Where, exactly is 'Ankh-Morpork'?"
Carrot pulled out a map. "We are right about here." he said, smoothing out the creases and pointing to a tiny drawn city, considerably larger than all the other cities, nearly central on a circular map which did NOT resemble any part of Earth the teenager had ever seen. "Now, where do you live?"
"Oh, Kami-sama." Jounouchi breathed. Nothing about this map made sense - especially not the large turtle drawn underneath it. "Umm…I don't know. I just woke up here, without my deck or my clothes; all I had was this." He held out the receipt from the Thieves Guild.
"I see. Well, we'll just have to take you to the Watch House, I think, and get this sorted out." Carrot folded up the map neatly and tucked it away. Hopefully this wasn't the opposite of what had happened to Mr. Hong.[6]
Lacking any further options, Jounouchi follow Carrot out of the alley and into the bustling streets of Anhk-Morpork. It was a good thing his jaw was attached, or he would have lost it in the first few moments.
Did I travel back in time? Here were no cars. The streets instead were filled with animal-drawn carts and the results thereof. People - if one used the term loosely[7] - thronged on the streets. Humans argued with dwarves, who swung axes at ambulatory rocks[8], who swung clubs back at them.
Before he knew it, Jounouchi found himself walking into a large gated building, filled with people in the same uniform as his two companions. This was definitely a police station, a place that Jounouchi usually tried to avoid. There was nothing else the building could be, stocked as it was with desks, well-armed people and mountains of paperwork. Instinctively he dropped his shoulders and walked more slowly, trying to not draw any attention his way. A number of those same rock-people (though the smart part of his mind told him to never use that term out loud) were here, some in uniform and others in chains. One even had a peculiar device attached to one foot.
Even I know better than to mess with those guys. He didn't think even Seto would be stupid enough to do that.
"Perhaps we should get you some clothes first." Carrot said cheerfully, as though naked people popped up on his watch every day. [9]
He looked around and went to a locker, pulling out a pair of loose pants and a shirt. Taking them gratefully, Jounouchi looked for someplace to dress.
"Der locker room is over dere next to der privy." A rock-man spoke in Jounouchi's ear, scaring the teen out of a year's worth of growth.
Carrot nodded. "Thank you, Corporal Detritus. I think he'll be needing the latter one now."
Nodding nervously, Jounouchi ran for it.
He emerged a few minutes later, reflecting that these people could use some lessons in indoor plumbing. Carrot was waiting for him, no signs of impatience on his broad, simple face. Turning, he led the teenager up a set of narrow stairs (which creaked dangerously under the officer's weight). Reaching a door, the large man knocked politely.
"Come in, Carrot." Possibly the most stone-faced obviously disgruntled person Jounouchi had ever seen in his life (with the possible exception of Ushio the hall monitor) sat behind a desk piled higher with paperwork than Jounouchi would have thought possible. The man did not look happy to see him - but then again, he did not look as though he had ever been happy to see anyone, ever. He looked tired; he looked frustrated, and he looked badly in need of a drink. His clothes looked as though they had been slept in several times.[10]
"Who's this?" the man grunted.
"His name is Jounouchi Katsuya, Mister Vimes." That made Jounouchi look at the giant man in surprise. He was sure he'd never mentioned his name.
"Captain," Vimes sounded even wearier than he looked. "Is there anyone you DON'T know?"
"Sir?" Carrot stared at Vimes blankly, as though he didn't understand the question.
"Never mind, Carrot. What is he doing in my office?"
"He's not from around here, sir."
"Most people aren't, Carrot. That's why this is the fastest growing city on the Disc."
Disc? Is that the name of the continent… he remembered the odd-looking map, …or the world?
The second, smarter part of his mind decided on which. Oh, dear…
"So where are you from, kid?" Vimes asked.
"He doesn't speak Morporkian, sir." Carrot noted.
Vimes groaned and dropped his head to his desk. "Let me guess, Captain…you do speak his language."
"How did you know, sir?"
Vimes sighed, raising his head to regard the captain. Five minutes with anyone and Carrot knew them better than their best friend. Funny how the man never seemed to recognize his own talent. "Never mind, Captain. Just ask him where he's from."
Jounouchi had been following the conversation well enough. He couldn't speak the language, but he could understand it, even with the accent.
"I'm from Japan, sir. Domino City." Carrot duly translated this.
"Not again." Vimes groaned. More weird shit happened in Ankh-Morpork on the average day…why couldn't some of it happen in Tsort, or Genua? And why did it ALWAYS have to happen on his watch?
"Because you don't tend to take vacations, sir?"
Vimes growled. There were times when his second-in-command read him all too well.
Voices drifted up from downstairs. "'Ere, Nobby, what's that?"
"I dunno, some kind of picture cards. Seem a bit strange, though. Look, here's one with a troll on it."
Jounouchi's head whipped around. "My deck!" He went to run from the room, but Carrot's hand on his collar restrained him. The effect was akin to running full tilt and running out of leash.
"Deck?" Carrot inquired.
"Deck?" This one from Vimes. He leaned forward on his desk, suddenly interested. "What kind of 'deck' are we talking about here, kid?"
"My Magic and Wizards deck!" Jounouchi exclaimed, trying vainly to pull himself out of Carrot's stone-like grip.
There was a crack as Vimes' hand closed around a mug and crushed it. "Magic…and Wizards?" It sounded as though the words were anathema to the commander. Actually, Vimes had very little problem with wizards. They didn't commit crimes that fell under his jurisdiction. However, he did have a problem with amateurs running around playing with magic. The results tended to upset the Patrician, which then usually turned into trouble for Vimes.
Survival skills learned on the streets suddenly kicked in. "It's a game." Jounouchi explained quickly. "A card game me and my pals play."
Vimes' survival skill also came from the streets. He spread his hands in a mute signal for Jounouchi to elaborate.
Slowly, through Carrot, the entire story came out. "I see." said Vimes. "Captain, will you please go down and reclaim this young man's 'deck' from Nobby. Inform the corporal that we are not all that interested in how he got it, and could he please see me later." Nobby of all people should have known better than to bring obviously occult items into Vimes' proximity.
Jounouchi would have flown down the stairs, save for the grip Carrot maintained around his collar, forcing him to maintain a leisurely pace. "I apologize, Jounouchi-san. But if you break your neck, Captain Vimes will have my head," And Igor will have yours Carrot added silently, not wishing to frighten the boy any more than necessary. Igors, while possibly the best surgeons on the entire Disc, tended to take very seriously the motto 'Physician, heal thyself.'[12]
When they reached the base of the stairs Carrot released him, Jounouchi made to run for his deck, then realized he had no idea who Nobby Nobbs was; a quick glance around the room revealed no one holding his cards.
"Look at this one, Fred." the voice said. "It's a half-naked lady with wings!"
Okay, that was enough. No one was allowed to touch Mai's Harpy Lady card except Jounouchi himself. The voice came from behind the main desk, an area occupied mainly by a very round officer. Further examination revealed a small…per…no… mon…no…Thing would do. At any rate, it was holding HIS DECK! It was almost FONDLING it… More than enough for the teenager to see red.
He strode over to the round officer and the thing at his side. "GIVE ME THOSE!" he hollered, not caring that they couldn't understand the words. He grabbed the cards from the creature's hand, his skin crawling. He got a better look at the thing and for a moment wondered…do I really want them…yes! Even this boil-covered, pockmarked greasy dwarf[13] was not enough to separate him from his cards.
Mission accomplished, he stalked away into the streets. Only now did it occur to him to wonder what had happened to the others.
Another part of his anatomy spoke up. It had been at least two hours since he had last eaten, and his stomach decided this was unacceptable. There was no duel here; how dare he ignore something so important as food.
Suddenly he was aware of a presence beside him. "Can I interest you in a sausage inna bun? Dibbler's the name, Purveyor of finest quality goods." The scent that rose from this ferret-faced man's cart worked its magic on Jounouchi. He knew the smell of hot dogs a mile away. Sticking his hands in the pockets of the borrowed pants, he discovered a few coins in the bottom.
"Sure." Jounouchi pulled a coin at random out and handed it to the man.
"Well, it's cutting me own throat at that price, but I think I can accommodate you." With a flourish, he swept a bun in one hand and dropped the sausage in with the other. "Now, what'll it be? Relish, mustard, onions, mayonnaise, ketchup? Mushrooms, peppers? "
"Hai."
After Dibbler loaded up the bun, Jounouchi accepted it and took a small bite. Something seemed to be missing, but he wasn't sure what.
"Got anything else?" he managed to ask.
"AH! I can see that you are a discerning customer. I believe I have just the thing right here." Reverently, he lifted the lid to a new tray, revealing a heavily reinforced compartment. Nestled inside, in a deep bed of crushed ice, lay a small bottle. Many members of the growing crowd drew back with a gasp. The potency of Wow-Wow Sauce was not to be underestimated.
Unfortunately, Jounouchi had no way of knowing that the recipe consisted of mature scumble, pickled cucumbers, capers, mustard, mangoes, figs, grated wahooni, anchovy essence, asafoetida, and finishing off with sulphur and saltpetre. All he knew was that it definitely looked interesting. The perfect English phrase popped into his head. "Pour it on, Pops."
An even dozen sausage inna buns later, the crowd had grown to near riot proportions. Ankh-Morpork residents loved their street theatre, especially if it included the possibility of someone dying. Numerous side bets had been taken and lost regarding at which point Jounouchi would collapse. Even Dibbler seemed overly shocked - he'd forgotten to charge for the last three.
"Thanks, Pops. That was pretty good." Four people in the crowd fainted dead away.
Everyone tensed as Jounouchi patted his stomach, then ducked as he let loose with a loud burp. A murmur arose as they realized he was still standing. He didn't hear what they said, but wondered what it was that made a man eating a hot-dog so interesting.
Footnotes
[1] Jounouchi's priorities were not exactly the same as most people's
[2] His full name is Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets, but everyone called him simply 'Visit', or occasionally 'Washpot'.
[3] Few people stayed around after hearing the word Om, never mind actually took pamphlets
[4] It should be noted that Carrot had never spoken Japanese before.
[5] Fortunately for Jounouchi, this was not the Street of Negotiable Affection.
[6] The mystery of the disappearance of Mr. Hong was one of the Discworld's most enduring enigmas. No one knows precisely what happened after he opened the Three Jolly Luck Takeaway Fish Bar on the site of the old Temple of the Fish-God on Dagon Street on the night of lunar eclipse.
[7] Racism wasn't much of a problem on the Disc, as speciesism was so much more interesting.
[8] Wow! Giant Soldier of Stone come to life!
[9] Well, not every day. But close enough.
[10] What Jounouchi didn't know was that he was staring at the richest man on the Disc. Why the incredibly wealthy Lady Sybil had ever married (The now [10]) His Grace Sir Commander Samuel Vimes was another question no one had ever been able to answer
[11] Lord Ventiari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, had a very simple method of punishing Vimes. He promoted him.
[12] Though in the Igor lexicon, it sometimes read 'heel'.
[13] Actually, Nobby had a chit from the Patrician declaring that he was indeed a human. Six foot by six foot Carrot was the dwarf.