Disclaimer: The late Sirius Black belongs to J.K. Rowling.
A/N: Aaand it's another chapter! As I said in the last one, only a few chapters left as far as I know. But don't worry, once I'm done with this I still have plenty of ideas to work on. I just hope you folks like Lord of the Rings, that's all...
Rowlingfan1: I'm sure Remus wishes very much he could have done what you suggested, but keep in mind that Cass would have most likely killed him on sight, customers or no customers. Good idea, though! In a perfect world...
Sigh. I have noticed a marked decrease in the number of reviewers for the last two chapters. Are you bored with the story? Have you given up on pre-OotP stuff? Are you now avoiding anything with "Sirius" in the title? Please don't...it's almost depressing. Several of my regular reviewers haven't shown up for a while. Please, don't hesitate to review!
There's No Business Like Show Business
Inside the white stretch limo that her daddy had promised would be hers as soon as she could drive, Murgatroyd Finch looked adoringly at her new doggie. The nice lady at the pound had been right—he was just what she wanted. From his cute floppy ears to his long waggly tail, he was absolutely perfect. And, Murgatroyd decided, he would have to have an absolutely perfect name. Hmmm...
Fido? No, too plain. Rover? Definitely not. She wouldn't be caught dead with a dog named Rover! Something like...like...Suddenly, Murgatroyd had it. She would call her new doggie Prince Fluffers III!
Swiftly losing ground as the limo sped down the dark road, Remus knew nothing of this horrifying development. All he knew at the moment was that his muscles ached and he had spent much too much time already chasing after cars. Wasn't that supposed to be Sirius' job?
They reached an intersection, but there was no rest for the weary—Remus had to use the few seconds afforded by the red light to catch up with his quarry. Panting and puffing, he managed to narrow the distance to twenty feet by the time the light turned green.
[It continues to amaze me,] Remus thought, [how I've been chasing after vehicles all evening and they never see me in the rearview mirror.]
It was probably the only thing that had gone right so far, and he was grateful for it. He didn't want to think about what Murgatroyd and her father would do if they saw a very disheveled man in a dust-covered sweater jogging along behind their car. [Probably think I was a stalker or something,] he thought, surprised by how much pleasure the idea of sending Murgatroyd into screaming hysterics gave him.
Thankfully, the trip to the Finch family mansion was not nearly as long as Remus had feared—within ten minutes he caught his first glimpse of the monstrous place. Heartened by being so close to his goal, he managed to put on an extra burst of speed and arrive at the house only five minutes after the limo had pulled into the six-car garage. "Now," he said to himself, "we wait." [Wait a minute...was I just talking to myself again? Yup, you sure were, Remus.]
Opting to ignore the fact that he had just had another conversation with himself, Remus made sure nobody could see him from the house, then began looking around for a place where he could spend the night and keep an eye on the garage at the same time. After several minutes, he had established that the only spot suitable for his purposes that was invisible from the street was behind a large clump of bushes at the side of the mansion. Sighing softly and wishing he had never gotten into this, Remus found a reasonably soft patch of grass and curled up to get what sleep he could.
Nine hours later, he was woken by the muffled sound of a car starting. Sitting up and blearily rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Remus thought, [No. Not morning already. It can't be...] But it was, and there was nothing to be done. Judging from the fact that the sun was just rising, he guessed that Murgatroyd believed in getting an early start on an important day like this. Groaning at the stiffness in his limbs, he pulled himself to a standing position with the aid of the nearest bush and stared hostilely at the white stretch limo making its way down the road.
Under normal circumstances, Remus would never have even considered running at full speed thirty seconds after waking up, but in this case such measures were clearly necessary. Insulting Sirius, Murgatroyd, Cass, and anyone else he could think of under his breath, he broke into a sprint and tried vainly to make up some of the distance between him and the car.
To Remus' dismay, he soon discovered that the nearby park, the site of the pet show, was much farther away than the pound. In fact, after twenty minutes he was still attempting to follow the limo and feeling as though he would split in two from the stitch in his side. [How much longer will this torment go on?] he wondered wearily, slogging along in the car's wake.
As if in answer, the limo turned into a parking lot and considerately parked in all three handicapped parking spots. Remus quickly dived behind a minivan to avoid notice, but it was unnecessary—none of the occupants of the limo would have seen him anyway. The henpecked Mr. Finch was checking his pockets to make sure he had brought along at least five bottles of super-strength aspirin and wondering why in the world he had let himself be bullied into driving his daughter to the park at six in the morning when the pet show started at eight, Murgatroyd was busy admiring her dog and dreaming of the day to come, and a now-sober Prince Fluffers III was bemoaning the unlucky events that had led to the fluffy pink bow fixed around his neck.
After making sure they had their survival kit for the day, an enormous picnic lunch, the Finches locked the car and set off, Remus trailing cautiously behind and hoping fervently that they wouldn't spot him. Just in case the worst happened, he began to work out an explanation for why he would be skulking around behind cars and trees. After all, it wouldn't do to have them get suspicious!
He decided he was a reporter for a small newspaper—exactly which one he didn't know, but that could be taken care of if need be—who was covering the pet show and thought Murgatroyd would be the perfect subject for an interview. The fact that he had no notebook, camera, or other journalistic paraphernalia could be explained away somehow, he was sure. Muggles were ridiculously eager to believe that there was a normal explanation for everything in life and would probably be only too happy to accept him as some sort of crackpot journalist.
Murgatroyd and her little entourage continued on toward the walking trail, which had been marked off for the special occasion. When other children began arriving in an hour or so, they would stake out a small spot at the side of the path and wait for the judges to come by. Obviously, Murgatroyd planned to get the best seat in the park and would stop at nothing—even arriving two hours early. Remus had to admire her determination, if nothing else.
"Oh, Pwince Fwuffers," Murgatroyd crooned, bending down to lovingly strangle her new pet. "We'we going to have such a good time! And I can alweady tell you'we going to win, awen't you pwecious?" Prince Fluffers' big adorable eyes seemed to widen a little, no doubt in sheer rapture at the prospect of entry in a neighborhood pet show.
[Prince Fluffers?!] Remus thought in horror. [Prince...Fluffers?] He swallowed hard. It was obviously not going to be the best of days for anyone involved, except possibly Murgatroyd, who was now dancing in circles around her helpless father, leash still firmly in hand. She began singing at the top of her lungs to the great dismay of everyone present, especially Remus, who cowered behind a nearby bush and attempted to tune her out. It didn't work.
"Now, Murgie," Mr. Finch said in what was probably meant to be a jovial voice, trying to make himself heard over the din, "let's not make noise. You know it's not nice to make noise, Murgie..." He trailed off as Murgatroyd's "singing" grew louder yet and it became painfully obvious that she was not going to stop until she was good and ready, which by the looks of things would be about when he was good and ready to commit second-degree murder.
Looking resigned to his fate, Mr. Finch collapsed onto a nearby bench and closed his eyes. Remus distinctly heard him mutter under his breath, "Give me strength..." as his daughter bounded over with the unfortunate Sirius in tow. The man kept his eyes tightly shut and pretended to be oblivious to everything around him, an extremely good idea under the circumstances and one that Remus would have been only too happy to adopt himself.
However, he reminded himself sternly, he had a mission—to rescue his friend from this torment or die in the attempt, whichever happened first. True, he wasn't too optimistic about his chances at the moment, but sooner or later an opportunity would present itself and when that happened, he would snatch it before he could say "kibbles and bits". After all, Murgatroyd the Evil couldn't keep Sirius within her sight all day long...could she?
"Now," Murgatroyd announced to nobody in particular, interrupting Remus' slightly depressing train of thought, "we're going to mark out our spot." Mr. Finch groaned softly and slumped sideways. Taking no notice of this, Murgatroyd half-skipped, half-ran over to the nearest tree, dragging Sirius along behind her. She stood on her tiptoes and reached for the lowest branch, which was about six feet off the ground.
After a few unsuccessful tries, Murgatroyd's chin began to wobble, but she suppressed the brewing tantrum for once and tried again. At last she hit upon the idea of jumping as high as she could and managed to break off a few smaller branches. With a satisfied smile, she returned to the bench where her unfortunate father was now going into mild hysterics.
Working quickly, Murgatroyd drove the sticks into the ground, forming a large rectangle that encompassed the bench and all territory for about two feet around it, and stood back to survey the result. Then she reached into her little white plastic handbag, which she had insisted on bringing along despite her father's feeble protests, and pulled out a roll of something that looked like the yellow tape Muggle police used, with one difference—it was a lovely shade of pale...
[Pink,] Remus moaned silently, shuddering with revulsion. He hadn't known one could get such a thing and suspected it was highly illegal—after all, who would be insane enough to actually sell the stuff? His disgust only increased as Murgatroyd began to wind the tape around the stakes and he was able to read it for the first time.
This is the property of Murgatroyd Cecilia Lorelei Harriet Finch and anyone who touches it will be deeply sorry and beg for mercy on bended knee. So there. This is the property...
It went on and on, repeating the same sickening message over and over again in hot pink letters outlined in black. At last Remus averted his face, unable to bear it any longer. Trying to shut out Murgatroyd Cecilia Lorelei Harriet Finch and her horrible pinkness, he resigned himself to a long wait.
An hour and a half later, the other children began arriving with their pets. Their whining and yelling, while not exactly music to Remus' ears, was a great relief—he had suffered through Murgatroyd's baby talk to her "cute wittle doggie" for the last half hour and could only imagine what it had done to Sirius. Hopefully, matters would improve once the show got started; Murgatroyd would probably spend most of her time bragging to her friends. [If she has any,] Remus thought uncharitably, but he didn't feel guilty in the least. In his opinion, Murgatroyd quite deserved it for all she had put him through.
"ATTENTION!" bellowed a voice, making everyone jump. Remus peered through the foliage and saw a young, cheerful-looking woman with a ponytail pulled up impossibly high on her head holding a large megaphone and standing in the middle of the walking trail. "Welcome to the first Little Whinging Neighborhood Pet Show!" she chirped enthusiastically—Remus could hear the capital letters. "I'm so glad to see all your little faces out here so bright and early! And I just know we're all going to have a wonderful time today, aren't we!"
The children replied with incoherent yells, seeming to express some sort of agreement with the sentiment. A few even jumped up and down in excitement, obviously more than ready for the judging to begin. "Now calm down everyone! I just have a few words to say before we start the show! Please keep your little animal friends under control today! After all, we wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now would we!"
This time the response was a little less enthusiastic, but the woman ignored it and kept going. "And please keep the path clear! Remember, the judges will be coming by and we want them to be able to get through, don't we!" This was obviously another rhetorical question, as she turned, ponytail bouncing, and strode off in the direction of several harassed-looking people wearing official sticky name tags that said JUDGE in black marker.
After the woman had disappeared with the JUDGEs in tow, the noise broke out louder than ever. "Eleanor!" Murgatroyd shrieked, bouncing up and down on her toes. A little girl about her age with two long braids and at least three teeth missing hopped across the path to join her, grinning maniacally.
[No,] Remus groaned silently, wishing he could escape from his hiding place without anyone seeing him—but it was too late for that now. [Not two of them. Please, not two of them...]
Mental begging has never been noted for its results. Indeed, there apparently were two of them, and their main reason for being friends seemed to be in order to insult each other whenever possible. "That's yer dog?" Eleanor demanded scornfully, poking Sirius. He whined a little. "My dog is bigger an' better than yers. An' he can beat him up too," she informed Murgatroyd.
"Can not!" Murgatroyd retorted, starting to turn an alarming shade of pink. Remus rolled his eyes a little. If this went where he thought it was going...
"Can so," Eleanor said, smiling sweetly. She picked up a twig and poked Sirius again, a little harder this time.
"You leave my dog alone. And he can not either!" Murgatroyd reached for the stick, but Eleanor jumped back, holding it out of her reach. Sirius looked as disgusted as Remus felt, with a little fear on the side. After all, twigs could be lethal weapons in the hands of little girls!
For the first time, Mr. Finch spoke up. "Now girls," he said wearily, as if reciting a speech. "You know that's not nice, settle down now." He could have been talking to a nearby squirrel for all the girls cared—they ignored him utterly and went on with their dog-bashing.
"Can not!"
"Can so!"
"Can not!"
"Fine."
Murgatroyd stared. "What?" she practically shrieked, obviously disappointed at the prospect of the fight ending.
"Fine. Yew come over an' see Buster, an' then yew tell me whether or not he can beat up yer dog, okay?" Eleanor said reasonably, showing the gaps in her teeth as she smiled.
Remus held his breath. This could be the break he had been hoping for! If only Murgatroyd could be distracted long enough for him to grab Sirius and run...But could it possibly be this easy?
Yep. "All right then," Murgatroyd muttered, pouting a little. "But afterward Prince Fluffers gets to rip your dog into little tiny pieces."
"Deal," Eleanor said happily. The two girls hurried across the path, and Eleanor began waving madly to a woman who looked almost as tired as Mr. Finch and considerably more snappish. "Hey, Mum!" she screeched. "Look, it's Murgatroyd and she has a doggie of her own now too and I told her Poofie could beat up her old dog any day and so she wouldn't believe me 'cause she's being stupid so now I have to show her Poofie and then maybe she'll believe me..."
Eleanor had to pause for breath and Murgatroyd started in shrilly, but Remus didn't hear a word. His gaze was darting over the ten feet of ground between him and Sirius, trying to calculate whether he could untie his friend from the bench before attracting unwelcome attention in the form of Murgatroyd, Ponytail Lady, or any other fearsome creatures. Maybe, just maybe, his lucky house-elf's foot would work for once and he wouldn't end up ruing this day quite as much as he'd rued the previous one. Or, for that matter, almost any other day involving Sirius.
"Psst! Sirius!" he hissed, trying to look innocent and like part of the foliage. [Think Birnam Wood. That's right...that's right...become the bush. Be the bush. You are a bush,] he told himself. He really should have known better—none of his other positive thinking had worked so far. But he was convinced that somewhere in there was that little core of optimism that just had to be nurtured and helped along...
[Yeah, right,] Remus thought. But now was not the time to indulge in pessimism. Sirius was peering over at him, a faintly accusing look in his blue eyes. As Sirius' friend, Remus was all too familiar with this look. It usually appeared when Sirius was in a spot of trouble caused primarily by his own stupidity and meant something like "You got me into this, you get me out." Any arguments that perhaps if Sirius had listened to him for once he wouldn't be in this mess were useless—no matter what, it was always Remus' fault.
Quietly, holding his breath, Remus began to creep out from his hiding place.
Almost immediately, he realized why more people didn't creep around in broad daylight. It was probably the most embarrassing thing he'd ever done. Somehow, it was quite different in the dead of night when the moon cast eerie shadows on everything and sneaking around behind bushes seemed like a heroic and adventurous thing to do. Now Remus just wished he could crawl into a hole somewhere and disappear.
He looked around furtively, very aware that he was failing miserably in his attempt to be inconspicuous. The fact that nobody seemed to have noticed him yet was just a lucky fluke—sooner or later someone was going to look up and yell, "Hey, Mommy, look at the funny man with leaves in his hair!" and then it would all be over.
But he couldn't think about that now—he had a job to do! Doing his best imitation of spies he had seen in Muggle movies, Remus crept stealthily over to the bench and started fumbling with Sirius' leash. "Okay," he whispered. "We'll get out of here and then I'll get you for this, all right?" Sirius ignored the threat haughtily, and Remus rolled his eyes as he tried to untie the knot anchoring the leash to the arm of the bench. For a spoiled brat, Murgatroyd sure knew her knots...
Two minutes later, Remus had decided that Murgatroyd most certainly did not know her knots—whatever she had done with the poor leash didn't remotely resemble any kind of knot he had ever seen in his life. Gritting his teeth, he glanced up from his grueling work and peered around to see if anyone had noticed anything unusual yet. Nobody had.
Remus was quickly forming the opinion that the stupidest people in the world were not, as he had previously thought, Fudge's cronies in the Ministry of Magic—they were a dime a dozen right here in Little Whinging. Of course, this whole inane idea of a pet show made that obvious in the first place. What kind of people would actually organize an event so that their children could run rampant and wreak havoc to their little hearts' content?
Sighing, he turned back to the stubborn tangle—
Which was now, inexplicably, hanging limp in his hands. Remus stared at it in astonishment, wondering whether luck had finally struck and he had accidentally pulled just the right loop to untie the whole thing. Then, as a much more likely possibility struck him, his gaze darted back up to the bench.
Murgatroyd's father sat innocently reading his paper, apparently oblivious to the escape occurring right under his nose. He very carefully did not look in Remus' direction, but Remus could have sworn he saw a slight smile hovering diffidently at the corners of his mouth.
For the first time since Sirius had shown up on his doorstep the previous day, Remus smiled in return. Just once, it seemed, the universe was on his side.
He turned to Sirius, but his friend apparently needed no prompting. Without a backward glance, he was working his way unobtrusively—or as unobtrusively as a dog his size could—toward those all-too-familiar bushes. Remus looked around one last time to make sure they hadn't been noticed in the general chaos and followed carefully, surprised to find a new spring in his step.
A/N: My gosh, that was so long it isn't even funny. Well, I don't know, maybe you did find it funny—personally, I'm just glad that they've apparently escaped without too much trouble. Wait...what am I saying? Remus just spent the last eight chapters agonizing over the fact that bad as his life may be, it gets much worse whenever Sirius shows up. And if you're still depressed about anything with Sirius in it, don't be. The shock wore off for me a long time ago, probably helped by the fact that my friend "A" drew me a cartoon of his death that makes me laugh my head off every time I look at it. Yeah. Anyway...Hopefully Coming a Lot Sooner Than This One Came: Chapter Nine.