Disclaimer: The plot belongs to me. All the good characters belong to Rowling.
A/N: Well. It's another chapter of your favorite outdated story making fun of a dead character whom everyone misses! Well, maybe not everyone. I dunno, there must be some Sirius-haters out there. But there probably aren't any reading this story, for obvious reasons. Unless, of course, they're reading it for the fun of seeing Sirius with a hangover...
Kelek: Yeah, I know what you mean. The first chapters are definitely my favorites—I'm not sure what happened, really. All I know is that the latest ones haven't been nearly as much fun. Hopefully this one is a little better. And actually, I appreciate your review—it may be the first real constructive criticism I've gotten so far.
For all the other folks who reviewed and didn't get mentioned, I'm incredibly sorry. At the moment I just want to update since it's been so long, I'll get back to you in the next chapter.
Dogged Pursuit
Complete silence reigned for about half a mile, during which Remus walked quickly, looking straight ahead and trying not to make it too obvious that he was gritting his teeth in cold fury. If Sirius noticed, he didn't give any indication. Having escaped from Murgatroyd, he was probably already plotting his getaway—he must know that Remus was in a mood for bloodshed.
At last they had walked far enough that Remus was sure nobody was nearby to see them. He stopped in his tracks, turned around, and glared at Sirius. "Well?" he said, enunciating the word as he only did when he was repressing his urge to kill. "And what do you have to say for yourself?"
Sirius blinked innocently. "Oh no you don't!" Remus seethed. "The innocent look is not going to work this time, buddy. I want an explanation for the events of yesterday evening."
He waited, his arms folded. After a few seconds, the dog seemed to sigh, shivered a little, and transformed into the young man Remus had last seen making a fool of himself in front of several very stupid Muggles. His eyes were a little bloodshot from a combination of hangover and Cass, but overall he seemed in better shape than Remus himself. Hardly surprising, considering that in the last day Remus had watched his precious kitchen be taken over by a madman, had his only broomstick chopped into kindling, fallen out of a tree...The list went on and on.
"Well?" he repeated. "I'm sure you have a very good excuse." [You'd better,] he thought darkly. [You'd just better.]
Sirius rolled his eyes a little. "Look, Remus, don't be like that," he said placatingly. "I know it seems bad, but someday we'll look back on this and laugh. Right?" His nervous laughter quickly died away as he saw the look in his friend's eyes.
"I'm sorry, Remus," he said in his best sincerely insincere tones. "I know that what I did was wrong and in the future I will endeavor not to get drunk while cooking. Especially in your kitchen," he added apologetically.
Remus kept staring at him, unmoved. If Sirius honestly thought he was going to let him get away with what he'd done, he was an even bigger fool than he seemed. Somebody was going to pay for the loss of his sanity, and it wasn't going to be Remus.
He advanced on Sirius until they were six inches apart, spitting out each word. "You ruined my evening. You humiliated me. And..." He had to stop for a moment to get his emotions under control before he could trust himself to speak. "You used up all my precious rum making that demonic...rum cake...of yours."
Sirius backed up a step or two, smiling now. "Oh, is that all?" he asked, shaking his head. "Well, really, Remus, there's no need to get upset over a little thing like that. There'll always be more rum."
This was entirely the wrong thing to say, and he realized this as soon as he had said it. His face went a very satisfying shade of white and he began backing up more quickly, raising his hands in self-defense.
It was too late. "MORE RUM?" bellowed Remus, launching himself at him. "MORE RUM? I SPENT MY LAST MUGGLE MONEY ON THAT BOTTLE!" Sirius barely had time to look utterly terrified before Remus was on him, punching and kicking with a strength born of grief.
"Don't—oof—overreact, Remus!" Sirius yelled desperately. "It's not good for you—yahh!—anyway! You shouldn't drown your sorrows with liquor!"
"Right," Remus snarled. "Only it's okay when you're cooking, huh? Because cooking is more important to you than friendship!" Sirius started to protest, but then he apparently had a better idea—dodging Remus' blows, he scurried out of his reach and had put a large tree between them before Remus realized that his prey had escaped him.
Breathing hard, Sirius called, "You're distraught, Remus. It's all a natural and normal part of life. So I think I'll just wait over here until you calm down and can talk reasonably, okay?" He ducked behind the tree just in time to escape a flying pinecone from Remus.
"Reasonably," Remus panted. "Right." How dare he talk about being reasonable? Sirius Black, he of the unhealthy culinary obsession, was actually telling Remus to be reasonable? The nerve of that man...
[Okay, so he's an idiotic jerk,] Remus told himself. [So what's new? You can handle this. Really.]
"Fine. I'm being reasonable," he told Sirius, trying not to squeak indignantly. "Since you've been nothing but trouble since the minute you showed up, I think I'm just going to very reasonably go home and leave you here all alone." He spoke the last words in the singsong voice he used to use when telling ghost stories in the dormitory late at night.
It worked just as it always had. A small whimper came from behind the tree, and then Sirius said in a small voice, "But...but I don't know the way to your house from here."
"You're not going to my house," Remus said coldly. "I've had enough. I'm sure the rabid squirrels will be happy to keep you company. They come out after dark, with their little red eyes glinting in the moonlight and their little needle-sharp fangs ready to suck the life out of any unwary people wandering in the park..."
Sirius had always been gullible about things like that. "No!" he gasped. "Not the rabid squirrels!"
Remus just couldn't resist. "Think about it, Sirius. All those squirrels you chased over the years...coming back to haunt you with their sharp claws and bushy tails. Remember that one squirrel in the Forbidden Forest? The one you scared up a tree and then barked at for half an hour? It wants revenge, Sirius. They all want revenge."
A piercing scream made Remus wince and cover his ears. It was followed by several more. Apparently, Remus had touched on one of Sirius' deep-seated fears—the fear that all his past rodent victims would gang up and attack him in full force.
"For goodness sake, Sirius," he said in disgust. "It's only nine-thirty in the morning. I'm sure you have plenty of time to escape." He had known Sirius was wimpy, but this was ridiculous! "I guess I'd better be going now," he called loudly, trying to hide his amusement. "Maybe I'll see you later. Who knows? I might come and visit you in the hospital."
"No, please! Please, Remus! Don't go!" Remus pretended to ignore him, grinning maniacally as he turned away. He started to whistle very loudly, an old ballad about monsters that ate little boys who stayed out alone after dark. The pitiful pleas for help got louder.
"Doooon't leeeeaaave meeee!" That was more than Remus could stand. He started to laugh, shaking silently as he walked off. It was very hard to feel sorry for Sirius when he was busy begging for protection from rabid squirrels...
Half an hour later, Remus decided that events had definitely taken a turn for the better. With Sirius gone, his life would get back to normal at last. Why had he let him into the house in the first place anyway? Oh, well...it was all in the past now. Perhaps one day he would look back on it and laugh.
Wait...Remus darted a glance at the line of trees on his left. They stood there innocently, absolutely denying the possibility that he had just heard a suspicious sound. A suspicious sound that sounded suspiciously like a twig breaking underfoot. Hmm...
Oh. Of course. "No, Sirius!" he yelled. "You are not going to follow me home." There was no sound. "Hmmph," Remus muttered. "Thinks he can fool me, does he? Well, NOBODY FOOLS REMUS LUPIN!" he shouted to the not-quite-empty landscape. "You may think you're smart, but you're as dumb as...as..." Words failed him. He continued walking, holding his head up high.
Another sound, this one louder and accompanied by muffled cursing. "Ha!" Remus cried. "I knew it!" He was about to pounce on the source of the sound, but then he remembered his object—to keep Sirius from following him home.
"You'll never make it, Sirius!" he shouted defiantly. "I am absolutely not keeping you under my roof for another second. Do you hear me?" Dumb question—how could Sirius help but hear him?
No, wait...that wasn't a good thing. That meant Sirius would be able to keep following him unless he did something drastic. Something like...
"BANZAI!" Remus yelled, diving into the near edge of an enormous and conveniently placed thicket. He bravely ignored the thorns, twigs, small birds, and other obstacles, battling his way through the tangle. Ha! Let Sirius follow if he could—or dared. Probably too scared of the rabid squirrels, Remus thought with a grin.
Maybe, he realized after a while, this hadn't been such a great idea. True, he had probably lost Sirius by now. However, he had also lost approximately half of his clothing and about five years off his life. This was really not the way to travel.
Sighing, he paused for the first time and looked around. He didn't know how long he had been traveling, but he guessed that it must be at least noon. [Time for a break,] Remus thought tiredly. [I definitely need a break. Being stealthy is hard work.]
He sat down on the ground, panting a little. It felt so good to just sit there and rest for a minute. Rest...he had barely gotten any sleep the previous night, and the suffering he had been put through was more than sufficient to make him utterly exhausted. It was so nice to be able to sit and rest...
With a start, Remus sat bolt upright. Had he fallen asleep? What time was it? Had Sirius found him? He looked around apprehensively.
The sun was setting.
[What?!] Remus yelped silently. It couldn't already be nightfall...could it? He had just sat down for a moment...How could he have been so stupid and weak-willed?
Ah, well, no point in crying over spilled milk. Getting to his feet with a yawn, Remus rubbed his eyes. He would have to walk fast to get back to his house before dawn—he didn't want people wondering why he was walking home at three in the morning. He really didn't think he was up to thinking fast enough to answer well-meant questions like, "Where have you been?" or "What happened?"
[Right,] he told himself. [Just keep going for a little while longer...just a little more now...] It wasn't working. He started to hum, but then remembered that Sirius might be lurking nearby, hoping to find him.
The sun had set now, and the only light came from the crescent moon, which seemed pitifully small. [It's okay. Just keep walking. Don't think about tripping and breaking your nose. Don't think about running into trees. Don't think about—]
Remus stopped short, his heart pounding wildly. He had just heard a sound. A sound made by something very close by. A sound that...
"Aha!" he yelled into the darkness. "I've found you now, Sirius! And I still refuse to take you home with me!" Silence.
Strange—he would have thought that Sirius would have shown himself by now. At this time of night, a coward like him certainly wouldn't want to be alone in a place like this! A somewhat creepy place where more and more strange noises seemed to be following Remus as he moved through the darkness. In fact, a definitely creepy place that was giving him goose bumps.
The key, he told himself, was just to walk faster. The faster he walked, the faster he would get home. Home, where he could go to bed and forget that all of this had ever happened. Home, where there wouldn't be bone-chilling noises surrounding him.
[Breathe. Just breathe. That's right. Nice and calm now...] He really didn't know why he bothered trying to calm himself down—it was probably the most useless thing he could do under the circumstances. His pace picked up as he tried not to imagine what kinds of animals might be hiding in the shadows...
A sudden, high-pitched chittering noise directly in front of him stopped him cold, his heart about to leap up through his throat and collide with his brain. Small, glittering, reddish eyes watched him, shining in the moonlight.
He only had time to think, [Squirrels. Rabid, ravenous squirrels,] before he fell over in a dead faint.
A/N: Don't you love Remus the coward? Who would have thought that two grown men could be sent into a screaming panic by the threat of rabid squirrels? Where is Sirius in the meantime? Has he, perhaps, found his own way to Remus' house and taken over the kitchen? Shall I stop asking questions now? Thought so. Anyway, I did enjoy this chapter and I hope the sheer randomness wasn't too much for you. Of course, if you have a problem with sheer randomness you're not reading this story anyway, are you? Something about the whole rum cake business...Coming Soon: Chapter Ten.