Disclaimer: I own fishses. Give them to us raw and wriggling! You keep nasty characterses. Or at least Sirius.
A/N: Last chapter! Yes, after a year and a half it's the last chapter at last. Wow, I update slowly, don't I? Eleven chapters in a year and a half…how sad is that? Short advertisement: Read edgy wedgy's stories. They don't always make sense (take out the word "always" there) but they're hilarious. End advertisement.
Katie: Yes, Sirius is tricky like that. And I think Remus will be more careful who he gets rides from in future…
anna: Yeah, it is unfair to Remus. He's my very favorite character. Which, of course, is why I just had to torture him like that…come on, he's practically perfect in the books. Had to make him neurotic.
Itnikki: Thanks! Hopefully, this fits the "humor and action" bill…
Laughing Dragoness: I know! It's over…sniff sniff…but there are always other stories. Glad you like it.
One Feather: Well…evil grin…just wait and see what happens in this chapter! If you want I could scan in A's comic of The Death of Sirius and email it to you…
Dog's Breakfast
"I think it's this way," Sirius said at last. They were both poring over a map Remus had obtained from a gas station fifteen minutes earlier.
Remus looked at the spot Sirius was pointing at. "Sirius? I think you have it upside down."
"Oh." Sirius turned the map the other way and continued, undaunted. "Eeny, meeny, miney, this way!" His finger landed on a spot by the left edge of the map, which he peered at intently. "This is it, right? Right?"
Remus sighed. Making a truce with Sirius hadn't been such a good idea after all. True, misery loved company, but misery with company was still misery. And they were still lost.
"Give it up, Sirius," he told him. Sirius glared at him and turned back to the map. Remus rolled his eyes and looked around, hoping for the millionth time to see some familiar landmark. He didn't.
Sirius was now spinning around with his eyes closed. He came to a stop facing a nearby road. "How about this way?" he asked. Noticing Remus' skeptical look, he snapped defensively, "What? Do you have a better idea?"
Remus started to make a sarcastic comment. Then he thought about it, stopped, and closed his mouth again. "Didn't think so," Sirius said smugly. Remus snarled a little.
After an awkward silence, Sirius asked, "Shouldn't we be going somewhere? Like…in that direction?" He pointed.
"Sirius," Remus said patiently, "we are not going anywhere. Not until we know where we're going and have some way to get there. Okay?" Plainly it wasn't okay with Sirius, but he didn't argue. Instead, he plopped down on the ground and sat deep in thought. Well, at least he was quiet.
It didn't last long. "Remus!" Sirius cried, springing up excitedly. "I have an idea!" Remus winced. Ideas with Sirius were never good news. He refused to humor his friend by asking him what this new, possibly suicidal idea was.
"But I'll need a disguise," Sirius said meditatively. "Like…like…" His gaze wandered over to the convenience store by the side of the nearest road. There was a display of cheap sunglasses and ugly straw hats just inside, easily visible from the window. A sign by the door said, "Enjoy a Tropical Summer!" in orange and green letters meant to look like rotting bamboo sticks.
Remus followed the direction of his gaze. "Oh no," he said in horror. "Oh no no no no. I am not, under any circumstances, going to help you steal sunglasses and a hat to disguise yourself. Never."
Sirius looked at Remus with new respect. "What a brilliant idea, Remus! Let's try that." Remus hit himself on the forehead and vowed that he would die before getting involved in another of Sirius's harebrained schemes.
"I vowed that I would die before getting involved in another of your harebrained schemes," he grumbled ten minutes later, as they approached the convenience store stealthily. "This is theft, Sirius! It's a crime, we could be arrested by Muggle authorities, you could be recognized, we could all…"
Sirius grinned, apparently unconcerned. "Do you want to get home or not?" he asked sensibly. There was no good answer to that, so Remus kept his mouth shut and focused on staying hidden behind a large bush.
"Okay, here's the plan," Sirius continued. "You buy a candy bar to distract the cashier while I grab some glasses and a hat. Should work like a charm."
Remus was too tired to argue with this stunning display of intelligence. He just shook his head and wondered what Muggle jails were like.
"Go!" Sirius hissed, shoving him forward. Remus entered the store as nonchalantly as he could, trying to whistle a little. He didn't dare look behind him to see what was happening. Instead, he headed straight for the candy and began examining it, talking loudly to himself.
"I wonder which one I should pick?" he mused, trying to position himself so Sirius would be invisible from the counter. "Chocolate with caramel and peanuts or caramel with peanuts and chocolate?" He wasn't making any sense, but it wasn't necessary to make sense at the moment. The point was that the clerk did indeed seem distracted by his rambling. Quickly, he darted a glance over his shoulder. Sirius was at the display, being as unobtrusive as possible.
"Or," Remus continued, "should I buy the peanut-product-free crisped-rice-caramel-blend covered with semi-sweet chocolate and almonds?" The clerk frowned at him. "But wait!" he cried. "I forgot! I'm allergic to almonds!" Surely, surely Sirius must be done by now!
"Sir?" the cashier asked. "Can I help you?"
Remus stole a glance behind him. Sirius was gone. "Oh, um, no," he hedged quickly. "I just remembered I…can't have chocolate. I'm lactose-intolerant." Then he bolted, hoping he hadn't seemed too suspicious.
Sirius was waiting behind the bushes. "Well," he said brightly, "I think that went rather well." Remus glared at him.
With Remus's help, Sirius was soon sufficiently disguised. His straw hat was pulled down practically to his chin, and the sunglasses would distract anyone from recognizing him in the event that he was de-chapeaued. Remus wondered if "de-chapeaued" was a word, but decided to pursue the matter later.
"And now we just get a ride," Sirius said happily. He looked up and down the road, searching for a likely candidate.
Remus suddenly realized what was wrong with this. "But that's where we were before!" he exploded. "We tried it before, remember? And did it work?"
"No," Sirius admitted a little sullenly. "But this time is different! Just watch and see." He proceeded to jump up and down, waving at passing cars. "Hey, you! Yeah, you, we need a ride!" Remus seriously doubted this would work.
After five minutes, Remus allowed himself a sardonic smirk. "Come on, Sirius," he scoffed. "It's useless. I told you s—"
A car pulled up roughly two inches from Remus, making him jump backward. It was red, partly from paint and partly from the rust that seemed to be holding it together at the seams. All in all, Remus wondered if his first impression had been correct. It certainly wasn't a car in any normal sense of the word…
"Good morning," Sirius said cheerfully, leaning into the open window. "We're looking for directions to a Mr. Remus Lupin's house. Can you point us on our way?" As an afterthought, he added, "Or ideally drive us there."
The two occupants of the car looked at him rather dubiously. They seemed to be a married couple, a man and woman of about fifty. "And you are…?" the woman began.
"I'm…I'm…" Sirius dithered for a few seconds, trying to think up a believable name. "Bond. Jake Bond," he said at last. "Pleased to meet you. And I'll let my friend introduce himself." He beamed at Remus.
What? Remus could have strangled Sirius, or Bond, or whatever his name was. What was he thinking? "I'm, er, well—" he began. "Sort of, erm…"
"Illinois Jones," Sirius volunteered in a clearly audible whisper. Remus frowned at him, and he replied with a look that promised dire consequences if Remus didn't play along.
Remus nodded vigorously. "Yes, Illinois Jones. Yes, yes. Yes. Quite."
"I…see," the man said at last. "And why do you need to get to Mr. Lupine's house?"
"Lupin," Remus corrected. "Do you know where he lives?"
The woman nodded. "Oh yes, I do, driven past it loads of times. But why?"
Sirius and Remus looked at each other. "Well, you see—" Remus began, still at a loss for words. He nodded and grimaced furiously at Sirius, indicating that he should make something up quickly.
"We're itinerant minstrels," Sirius blurted. "Anniversaries, birthday parties, you know, all that stuff. And we have a performance down there this afternoon."
"Right," Remus agreed. "Minstrels." Then he registered what he was saying and stared at Sirius. Itinerant minstrels?
Both the man and woman were smiling now. "Are you really?" the woman asked, looking delighted. "Why, so are Wayne and I! Isn't it a small world?"
Whatever Remus had expected, it wasn't this. "You mean there really are itinerant minstrels?" he muttered to Sirius. Sirius shrugged, obviously not wanting to spoil a free ride. Remus was inclined to agree.
At least until they got themselves settled in the backseat of the car. "Oh, but where are your banjos?" asked the woman, who had introduced herself as Billie. "Have you lost them?"
"Er, sent them on ahead," Remus lied. "Safer and easier, you know." Wayne and Billie accepted this, to his immense relief.
However, his relief didn't last long. As they zoomed toward home and safety, Billie turned around in her seat to face the two of them. "It's so seldom you get fine young men like you interested in this sort of thing, you know," she enthused. "Why, when I was a young thing minstrels were real minstrels, eh, Wayne?" Wayne grunted.
"You simply must play a little for us when we get to Mr. Lupin's house," Billie continued. "I'm sure you're excellent musicians." She smiled happily at them.
Remus's heart almost stopped. What could he say? What could he do? Making a run for it at the next intersection came to mind, but he was fairly sure that would only attract unwanted attention. He looked imploringly at Sirius, who shook his head almost imperceptibly in reply. If even Sirius couldn't think of an escape, they were surely doomed!
"…But really, there's nothing to beat an old sentimental ballad, I always say…" Billie was rattling on as they pulled up in front of Remus's house. "These newfangled pop songs always make me ill."
Ill? Remus was suddenly struck by an inspiration. "Follow my lead," he muttered to Sirius, who nodded and began practicing his convincing look.
Opening his car door quickly, Remus flashed Wayne and Billie an insincere grin and started, "Well, thank you folks so much for—" He broke off and doubled over, making the most painful, pitiful sounds he could think of. Clutching his stomach in "agony", he nodded fiercely at Sirius.
Sirius needed no prompting. "Oh, no, not again!" he cried, hopping out of the car and running to his friend's side. "It's his rare Amazonian liver ailment acting up!" Remus inwardly wondered at Sirius's amazing talent for inventing names and kept groaning.
"Amazonian…?" Wayne asked, confused.
"Yes," Sirius panted, putting an arm around Remus's shoulders to support him. "Not immediately life-threatening with proper treatment, but astoundingly contagious."
"But then why are you near him?" Billie cried, looking concerned. "Shouldn't you—" She started to get out of the car.
"The blue hives should be coming any second now," Sirius told her. "Very painful and itchy. Lots of pus." He steered Remus toward his front door. "But his medicine is inside, fortunately."
The woman seemed about to protest again, so Remus took matters into his own hands. "Thanks—for the—ride," he gasped, still clutching his stomach. "I'll be—all—right. But watch—out—very contagious—" He dug in his pocket and found the key to his door as the car hastily zoomed off.
Once inside, Remus almost collapsed with relief. "Home sweet home," he murmured. It had been so long…
His happy reunion with sanity was interrupted by the realization that Sirius had disappeared. Again. This was never good news.
"Sirius? Sirius!" Remus yelled, looking around the room. He was gone. What was he going to do now? Sirius couldn't be trusted alone! Why, he was about as responsible as…as…as…
A thought struck him. Of course! The kitchen! This hypothesis was confirmed by a loud groan from the general vicinity of the kitchen. Remus ran, hoping his house was not in the process of being totally demolished.
Sirius sat on the floor by the oven, looking more woebegone than Remus had ever seen him. He turned to Remus, grief-stricken.
"I don't believe it," he said. "The rum cake's burnt."
A/N: Poor Sirius…ah ha ha ha ha…I feel so sorry for him. Not really. Anyway…that's all, folks. Story's over. Hope you liked it as much as I did. Especially the second chapter, that one still makes me laugh. So…little self-promotion here…read my other stuff! I will update them all someday, really, I promise! And thanks to everyone who helped give me abbreviations and stuff, even when I was dense and kept asking about yaoi for like three chapters. At this point they're changing Girl Scout requirements so I may not need that for what I'm thinking of, but I have learned a lot. And now, the whole point of this! breaks into song So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye…lalalala la la la la, lalalala la la…