Chapter Three
Breaking Down and Rebuilding
February 18th, 1993
Jennifer sighed as she sat next to Amanda and Jesse talking about some things, she had lately been going to all lengths to not only keep her friend out of trouble but help him as well, and she wondered to what length was it no longer helping but covering up. She was worried, Steve had tried so hard to control his feelings about his father's disappearance. But it had now been three months, and Steve's hopes were getting higher and everyone else's was lower. She didn't know how to tell him to just stop. He was hurting, he didn't want to admit the man he had admired and loved most in the world was probably gone forever now. He wasn't ready to accept that and Jenny knew that was damn well a big problem.
He had been working himself to death lately, long hours and when he wasn't working he was trying to find some trace of Mark Sloan. Three deaths in the past week he had been asked to come identify the body, and while none of them were Mark Sloan, each one had brought Steve further and closer to the line he was nearing.
Jen had voiced her concerns to all three of Steve's friends, Jesse had been the first one to try and prevent anything worse from happening. He had visited, talked and tried desperately to help his best friend, but was finding it futile and pointless. Steve always made excuses to not be around them, and even more to continue looking for Mark.
Amanda had long since let go on ever finding Mark, she knew the chances, and wasn't afraid to admit it, Jack was here and helping her deal as well as her kids. Jack had dealt with the pain in his own way, and was also moving past it, hoping to find a lover and wife in Amanda. Jesse was slowly coming to terms with the truth, and while he didn't like the idea he knew he would eventually have to accept that his friend and closest thing to a real father was probably gone forever and there was nothing he could do. Easier said than done. Allison had really been helping him lately, they had gotten close, and soon she and Jenny had both joined a part of the small group that had once been Jesse, Amanda, Mark and Steve was now Jesse, Jack, Jenny, Allison, Amanda and Steve. The girls were best friends with each other and would spend free days together over a cup of coffee at one's house or endless nights talking about other random things. Amanda and Jenny both knew how Allison felt about Jesse and that she was probably falling in love with him. It was the same with Jennifer and Amanda. Each one falling in love with their closest friends, Amanda could tell Steve and Jesse both had feelings for the girls, and was silently hoping someday they would all be truly happy.
"I just wish I knew he was all right," she whispered. Jesse touched the older woman's arm and smiled.
"Don't worry Jen, I'm sure Steve will pull through, he's strong," Jesse said. Jennifer sighed again.
"Yes, but everyone has their limit, and I have the feeling Steve has reached it and if he goes much further he will fall over the edge. I can't lose him Jesse, I can't." She whimpered gently.
"We'll keep an eye on him, as well as Jack and you." Suddenly the doctor's lounge phone rang. Jenny answered it.
"Hello," she paused, her face turning pale.
"Yes sir, I'll find him, thank you Captain," she clicked it off and looked at Jesse and Amanda.
"I think he's hit the edge," she said.
Mark smiled softly as he entered the hardware shop, Maggie right behind him. There was a middle aged man, in his forties standing by the counter.
"Mark this is my son Zack, Zack this is Mark Anderson, he's a good man and he needs a job, he recently lost his memory, but we think it's only temporary. Zack looked at his mother, while she meant well sometimes the younger man had to wonder if she always knew what she was doing could be very well dangerous.
"I could always use some help around here, welcome," he said shaking Mark's hand, being graced with a large smile. Zack didn't care at times if his mother didn't know what she was really doing, truth was she was a good woman and had taught him everything he knew, there was no way he would disappoint her.
"Thanks," Zack smiled at his mother.
"How about some lunch, my treat to both of you," Zack said.
Jennifer brought her mustang to a halt just in front of the beach house, Jesse and Amanda were right behind her. She ran to the door, not knocking she pulled out a key to the house and burst through the door. The house was silent, Jack was gone for the weekend returning home to finishing up some paper work for the house and such, leaving Steve alone.
"STEVE!" Jennifer said, desperation in both her voice and body movement. All she could think was 'God don't let him be dead'. She looked over at Jesse and Amanda.
"I'm going downstairs, Jesse you stay up here, Amanda please come with me," she nodded. Together the two women headed down into Steve's apartment, in hopes they would find the middle aged cop alive and sleeping. Jesse continued to look upstairs.
The apartment was dark, the only light coming from a few windows, looking around Jennifer realized the bedroom was the darkest, so she quickly looked around for the light switch, finding it she reached for it, but Amanda touched her hand.
"Don't, if he's down here and you turn that on, you might startle him, and if he's in any trouble I have the feeling he's already been startled enough," Jennifer nodded. They both allowed their eyes to adjust to the light, suddenly Jennifer saw him, in a corner of his bedroom he sat, his knees drawn to his chest, his long strong arms hugging them and his head on his knees. She swiftly moved towards him.
"Steve, it's Jenny," she whispered. Reaching out she touched his shoulder, she received no response except a tiny whimper issued from his lips. Looking up slowly his eyes slowly met hers, and she saw the empty sorrow in them, the pain and fear. He almost instantly reached out for her, and like any friend and lover she held him tightly as he sobbed into her stomach.
"It's okay Steve, I've got you now," she whispered. She could feel her own tears welling in her eyes.
"Amanda, I found him, call an ambulance, he's in shock," she said as she continued to hold him. He was cold, and other than the crying and reaching out for her he was completely unresponsive to anything. His skin was clammy and pale, he looked like he hadn't slept in days.
Jenny heard Amanda run upstairs and tell Jesse something, then hurry back down.
"They're on their way," Amanda said as she knelt next to Jenny.
"Get me a blanket, and my cell phone from my belt loop if you could," she said. Amanda nodded. She came back with the blanket and then handed both the cell phone and blanket to Jen. Covering Steve with it was the easy part, getting him to stop crying was different, eventually both women decided it was best for him to get it all out of his system, meanwhile Jen called the captain.
"Captain, this is Jenny O'Connell," she said. By now Captain Newman knew the young girl well and respected her for what she was trying to do.
"What's wrong Jennifer," he said is a tight arsed way.
"Sir, it's Steve, he's had an emotional break down, he's being admitted to the hospital," she said calmly.
"I was afraid of that, he looked at another body yesterday, it looked a lot like his father and the man's name was Mark."
"Was it Mark?" Jenny asked the captain.
"No, look Jennifer, I'm going to keep this quiet, get Sloan admitted to the hospital I'll work something out, I know a good psych and a place for him, they can help him there," the captain said.
"Sir…"
"He's your friend, as well, and he needs his friends," Jen sighed. She respected Steve's captain, much like her own father.
"Yes Captain, thank you," she whispered and looked down at Steve who was still sobbing in her arms.
"Don't worry Jennifer, he's going to be fine, and with your help I think you'll both be fine," he said, then she heard a faint click signaling the man had hung up. She placed the cell phone on the floor and began to push away small wisps of hair from Steve's forehead.
"I love you Steven Michael," she whispered as she and Amanda continued to sit with him.
The ambulance finally arrived, and while Steve was still crying a little, he had settled down, but was still completely unresponsive. Jennifer handed her keys to Amanda and looked at Steve being loaded into the back of the ambulance.
"I need to be with him right now Amanda, please meet us there," she said quietly.
"Of course, take care of him," Jenny nodded and climbed into the ambulance beside the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
The ride to the hospital was the worst thing Jenny had ever lived, she hated watched Steve in so much emotional turmoil. The EMT's had managed to subdue him some what and now he was just staring off into the distance, leaving Jennifer to wonder if he had completely lost it. She couldn't lose him, she had told Jesse that as well, and if it meant she would spend every waking hour with him then so be it, but she wouldn't let him think everyone had abandoned him. Once they had arrived at the hospital, Jesse had taken over, checking him completely over and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Jennifer was sitting beside Amanda in the waiting room when her cell phone rang again.
"Hello, oh hello Captain Newman," she pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
"Okay what's the name of the place again? Oakland Heights, sounds like an apartment complex…okay Captain, yes sir, Doctor Hamilton, thanks Captain," Jenny hung up and looked at the note.
"Oakland Heights is a very good facility, I've been there and looked around, they will take good care of Steve," Amanda whispered.
"I hope so," she said quietly.
Jesse found himself surrounded by questions and friends two hours later, Jack had returned and now they were all in the doctor's lounge. Steve had been admitted and Jesse was to contact Dr. Hamilton at Oakland Heights soon so they could discuss Steve's condition.
"Steve is unable to do anything. It's as though he has lost his will to live. As Jen said, he was found early this morning, his only response was to her, and he doesn't respond to her much either. He hasn't spoke, and he won't move unless you move him. He's had a complete breakdown, which is bad, because since it was complete it's going to take a lot more to get him back," Jesse explained.
"Are you saying this had been coming for awhile?" Jack asked.
"I think he had an emotional breakdown after those three murders he was called to, then he got home, jogged on the beach or something and wore himself out so much, after already being so worn out that he just collapsed and gave up, finding no real good reason to go on surviving," Jesse explained.
"So now what?" Allison asked quietly, as she sat beside him. Jesse sighed softly.
"We keep him here for a week, and monitor him, I'm not keeping him immobile, but I want someone I there with him at all times, he's sedated currently but when we're finished I want one or two people with him at a time. Talk to him, whatever you think we'll help him. We feed him, help him get clean and just be there. Then on Saturday I'm going to try and get him transferred as quietly as possible to Oakland Heights, where Dr. Tara Hamilton will begin helping him. I have a friend Kevin Sholis who runs the clinic, so I am also familiar with it. I will be calling him soon, my guess is Steve will then spend five weeks or so in rehab there. We will be allowed to come and go when we need to. One thing we need to make sure of is that Steve doesn't get depressed, I mean he's had a breakdown, but there is a difference. If he becomes depressed he might attempt suicide, we can't take that chance and I won't," Jesse explained.
"All right, well I'll take the first shift," Jenny said. Jesse smiled at her.
"I knew you would, there's a chair as well as a blanket in his room, I told the nursing staff that any one of us is allowed in there," he explained. They all nodded.
"Will he eat?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, but someone will have to feed him."
"All right," Jenny got up slowly and headed to his room, she turned and looked at them, their eyes meeting her amazingly green ones.
"I love him," she whispered and then left the doctor's lounge. They all looked down, Jesse smiled gently.
"That's what it takes," he whispered and then got up and left as well.
The next week went by slowly, Jenny was there most of the time, feeding him, shaving him and just talking to him about all sorts of things. The others were in and out periodically when given their chance. Jack was feeling bad that he hadn't really seen what was happening to his best friend, but then again he was quickly realizing his best friend wasn't the same man he had known nearly eight years ago. Jesse and Allison were both frequent visitors, Jesse and Jack helping give Steve showers. Cheryl would pop in sometimes, along with Captain Newman. By Saturday night Jesse had met with Tara Hamilton and Kevin and they had both agreed to admit Steve, and Saturday night there was an ambulance that was soon transferring Steve to the small clinic. Jenny followed them over there and helped Kevin and Tara get Steve situated.
"Don't worry he'll be fine here," Tara told Jenny. Tara was a woman in her mid-thirties, she had long flowing brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes. She was about 5'7 and seemed very smart and nice.
"Thank you Dr. Hamilton," Jenny said.
"Call me Tara," the woman said. Jenny nodded and looked back at Steve, while he didn't respond yet, it was obvious he wanted to live as he hadn't given up just yet.
Oakland Heights was a small hospital for the LAPD to come and get help as well as Doctors and even lawyers. They kept everything confidential from others unless the patient wanted someone to know. It was placed by a beautiful lake with glorious trees and beautiful areas the patients could walk, it even had a labyrinth. Jesse and Jenny had both checked it out during the week, while Jesse already knew he place he knew it would do Jenny good to check it out as well. Together they had both walked around the place and spoke, and decided Steve would be taken care of here. Kevin had told Jenny she would be more than welcome to visit whenever, because it was often the friends and family that did more help than doctors and nurses. Jesse had told all of them that Steve was going to be treated as a person, as Steven Sloan and not some patient that was stupid. None of them had argued with the idea.
"Steve, I'm going to go now, I've gotta go to work, I'll be back later with some dinner, I think Jack is coming too, so we'll see you later okay?" She said. He didn't say anything but she smiled when he looked at her gently. His blue eyes held sadness beyond words, sadness unlike she had ever seen before and ever wanted to see again.
"I love you," she said leaning forward she touched her lips to his forehead. She looked back at Tara and smiled.
"Thank you Tara," with that Jenny cast one last glance at Steve and then left.
The next few weeks passed quickly. Jenny and Jesse had been the two most frequent visitors. Jesse had openly cried in Jenny's arms the night after Steve was left at Oakland Heights, explaining to her that he felt he had just abandoned his best friend. Jenny knew Jesse loved Steve like a brother, and to Jesse they were the only one they had left. It hurt him to see Steve like this. Jack had returned and had bought a beautiful house about three houses down from Steve's beach house, meanwhile Jesse had rented out his own apartment to Alex Smith and moved in to Steve's house, along with Jenny who lived downstairs trying to keep the place up. Allison was a frequent visitor as she and Jesse got closer. Amanda was doing well and starting to fall deeply in love with Jack. Jesse had said he would remain with Steve as long as needed until he was all better. Jenny hadn't been surprised when she had first met Jesse Travis she knew the man would be and was a loyal friend to Steve, and now she had no doubt in her mind how loyal he was. Tara had slowly begun to get through to Steve, which was exciting to everyone, and he now responded to Tara, Jenny and Jesse, sometimes Amanda and Jack and every once in awhile Allison as well.
Morning dawned another beautiful morning at Oakland Heights as Tara Hamilton slowly walked out towards the lake, looking up she smiled to see Steve standing in the door way smiling at her, a cup of coffee in his hands, she could tell he was doing so much better, there had been a time when she was sure they would never get to the point, but five weeks since Steve had arrived here and he was doing great.
"Good morning Steve," she said smiling, she had become fond of the tall detective, and his girlfriend. Steve knew all about Jenny's dedication lately and Jesse's and was thankful to have both of them to back him up.
"Morning Tara, just wondering if you and I could talk," he said. She smiled, it had excited her when Steve had really started talking the week before and would ask at times to talk to her instead of her making appointments, it meant Steve had gotten to where he was able to talk about his feelings openly.
"Of course, would you like to join me in a walk around the lake?" She asked. He nodded and put his cup down. He was dressed in sweats and a comfortable hooded sweatshirt.
They were silent until they reached the edge of the lake and began to slowly walk around its perimeter.
"What's on your mind Steve?" Tara asked. Steve smiled, he was grateful for this woman, she had really helped him, and brought him far.
"My father, and Jennifer… I guess all my friends," he said.
"Why don't you explain," she said softly. He nodded.
"When my father left I was sure I'd find him, I wanted to… I still want to, but now it's like I'm ready to move on, and I don't really know how. I'm afraid too," he said looking at her.
"Does that make sense?" He asked, she smiled and nodded.
"Perfect sense, Steve, and tell me if I'm wrong, but I think you're afraid that if you do move on and your father does return he'll be hurt because you did move on, am I right?" She asked. He nodded.
"Exactly."
"Steve, from what you've told me your father wanted nothing more than to see you happily married with beautiful children and a wonderful wife. Do you think he would really be angry if you did just that?" She asked.
"I don't think so, no but at the same time, I feel guilty," he explained.
"Why?"
"Because I feel that if I do move on, and get married have children, I will forget my father," he said.
"Steve, tell me about your mother," Steve smiled gently.
"She was so beautiful… she sang like a lark, she took good care of us a lot, she would sing to me or my sister every time we had a nightmare, and would take care of us when we were sick. She was always there, even when she was dying, some of her last things she thought of was the care of her children and my father. She was anything but selfish. What does that have to do with Dad?" He asked.
"Everything, were you happy three years ago?" Steve paused and nodded.
"Were you happy at twenty three?" Steve nodded again.
"What did you do after the death of your mother?" Steve shrugged.
"I did my best to hold dad together, help him move…" Steve stopped and smiled.
"I get it," he said.
"I thought you would. Steve you moved on after the death of your mother, because you knew that you had to, you knew you couldn't lose your father or sister to something like depression. You knew even though you all missed her life would go on and you would too. You're father might be dead, he might return ten years from now just fine and regale of stories. But in the end, he's not here and life has to go on, you have to go on. You won't forget your father, no one forgets someone they love that much, they just heal. You never get over the death of someone, just past it. That's all any of us can do, deal with the pain and loss of a loved one and get past it. Survive from one day to the next," she explained. Steve smiled and looked at her, leaning down slightly he pecked her on the cheek.
"Thank you," he said quietly. She touched his arm.
"Steve, I'm proud of you. You've come a long way in just five weeks and I couldn't ask for a better patient. You said you were thinking about your friends?" She asked.
"Yeah, but I'd rather not talk about that just yet," he whispered.
"Steve, they'll get past it too, Jesse is here now for you, and you need to be there for him too," Steve looked at her and smiled.
"You're a good doctor," he said.
"I try," she said smiling.
"Thanks Tara," she nodded and watched him as he quickly jogged back to the main house. She shook her head and thanked god for her gift.
Steve stood in his room slowly placing all of his clothes in his suitcase and looking around the nice room, he had spent six weeks in this place and was finding it a little disconcerting he was leaving. He knew he would be okay now, but at the same time he knew part of him would remain within these walls forever. He jumped when he heard a gentle knock on the open door. Turning he smiled at Jennifer, her hair pulled back in a loose pony tail, wearing a nice shirt and a comfortable pair of jeans. She smiled at him and walked towards him, not surprised when he enveloped her into a tight hug holding her for a moment. He pulled away and smiled.
"Where's Jess?" He asked.
"Signing you out, ready to go?" She asked. He nodded and closed the suitcase, and then he turned and looked at Jennifer. He touched her neck and cheek.
"Thank you," he said quietly. She looked into those deep blue eyes, clearer now, with a little more of that old shine in them. She touched his cheek.
"I would do anything for you," she said.
"I know you would," he said. Leaning down he touched his lips to hers and smiled. She deepened the kiss and then pulled away.
"Save that for later, because Jesse is spending the night at Allison's, I'm going to be with you tonight," she said smiling.
"Oh, I have the feeling I'm going to need some nursing tonight," he said. She kissed his lips again.
"You'll be getting nursing believe me, but of a different kind, believe me," she said. He smiled and hugged her again. He grabbed his suitcase off the bed, and with one arm still wrapped around her waist they slowly walked out of the room and towards the main check in area. Tara and Kevin were both there to say goodbye. Steve smiled and placed his suitcase down on the floor and hugged Tara gently.
"Thank you," he whispered. She smiled and pulled away, her hands on his arms.
"Take care of yourself you big lug, I don't want to see you two again unless it's for a wedding, am I understood?" Steve chuckled and nodded. He shook Kevin's outstretched hand.
"Thank you Kevin, for taking good care of me," he said. Kevin smiled.
"Wasn't me, it was your friends and this beautiful doctor beside me. Take care of yourself Steve, and Jenny," he said. Steve nodded and wrapped an arm around his girlfriend again. Jesse lifted Steve's suitcase and looked at the two.
"Ready?" Steve nodded.
Mark Anderson smiled as he walked through the hospital, Maggie had gotten him a job as a volunteer at the local hospital, and everyone loved him, she was amazed by his vast knowledge of medicine as well. She had begun to ask him questions periodically and he would be able answer them as though he knew exactly what he was talking about. Everyone expect Maggie and Mark had begun to notice how much time the two spent together talking, and just being around one another. It was hard to miss. Even Zack had to admit that his mother was happier with Mark around than she had been with her former husband. Mark was nice, sweet and pleasant. Zack found him a neat person to work with and found him amazingly smart. He always knew what he was talking about, and if he didn't he wasn't afraid to admit he didn't know.
Zack was hoping in the back of his mind Mark would be sticking around for awhile, he liked the man and wouldn't mind if his mother maybe married him.
"Zack," Mark's voice snapped him out of his trance.
"Sorry Mark, what did you say?" He asked.
"I said I'm done for the day at the hospital and wanted to take you and Maggie out to dinner," Mark said.
"I'd love to Mark, but I'm busy tonight, why don't you take mum," Zack said. He had been backing out of most dinner dates lately, when he found how easy it was for his mother to talk to Maggie. Maggie was there to help him through his frustrations of not being able to remember anything, while he helped her deal with the trails of being a nurse.
Maggie smiled as she sat across from Mark he spoke of his daily things, the hardware store and the hospital. She could tell he really loved the hospital.
"Mark, you amaze me," she said.
"Why?" He asked smiling.
"Because you know so much about medicine," she said.
"Maybe I was a doctor," he said. She smiled softly.
"Wouldn't surprise me, you would have a wonderful bedside manner."
"Well thank you Nurse," he said smiling.
"The kids seem to especially love you," she said.
"I have the feeling I've always loved children," Mark said smiling.
"I don't doubt that either, even my son loves you," she said. Mark smiled and chuckled slightly. He had gotten close to Zack lately and was finding him to be quite a pleasant young man to work with, very friendly, and had his mother's manners.
"He's a good kid," Mark said. Maggie nodded and smiled.
"I'm very proud of my baby. He's a good kid," she said.
"You're a lucky woman Mags," he said.
"I know," Maggie said smiling again.
Steve stiffened as he looked at the house, He was sitting beside Jenny in the mustang while Jesse was behind them in his car. Jenny looked at him, her car stopped in the driveway.
"You okay?" She asked. He looked over at her and nodded.
"Just trying to remember that Dad isn't here anymore. I'm glad you are though," he whispered. She smiled and leaned over kissing his cheek.
"I'm glad I'm here to sweetheart, you ready to go in?" He nodded. Jesse was out of his car already and getting the stuff out of her trunk. Together the three friends walked into the house. Steve didn't seem to have a problem he smiled as he took a deep breath.
"Steve?" Jesse asked.
"It's good to be home Jess," he whispered. Jesse smiled at Jen.
"Well I promise Allie a dinner so, I will see you guys tomorrow," he said smiling. Steve nodded and watched the young doctor leave.
"I guess it's just you and me," he nodded.
"I guess so," she said.
"So how does a romantic dinner sound?" She smiled and nodded.
"Romantic," he smiled. He pulled her close and kissed her lips softly.
"Thank you so much for being here for me, it means the world to me," he whispered.
"It means a lot to me too Steve," she whispered.