Well, my life is just perfect now. I lost the only man I have ever loved. (I know that Maria de Silva Diego is getting a kick out of this. Why did we have to find out what had made Jesse stay here all of these years? Why did it have to be OUR house!? Since we found out that the house was what was making Jesse stay, I was like "How in the world is this house going to tear down?" Well, right after I said that, the biggest earthquake to hit California in over a decade hit our little town. I guess I forgot that I was living in
California, where the fault line is. How could I have been so stupid as to forget that?
After the quake I went searching for Jesse, but I didn't find him. All I found was a note etched in the ground on the side of the house that said, "I love you, Suze, but it is time for goodbye." When I saw that note, my whole world came crashing down. What the hell did he mean "Goodbye"? Then I realised what he had meant. I fell to the ground next to the message, running my fingers over the words. Then I took my whole hand and erased it. "I don't believe you. You came back last time, so this time should be no different." I took the water hose and splashed water over the message. "You're coming back, dammit! YOU HEAR ME!?"
Then I remembered about the whole shifting thing, but I didn't want to go back there again. I threw the hose aside and began crying; begging for some ray of hope, but there was none. Since no one was going to help me, I had to help myself. I decided to do the shifting thing. I closed my eyes, and concentrated on that place; the place I never wanted to go back to. Then in an instant I was there. I went searching for the guard again. 'It will be just like last time. I'll find the guard, and then find Jesse' I found the guard again and said, "Did a guy name Jesse go by here again?" The guard nodded. "Well, can I go look for him?" This time he shakes his head no. "Why?" He didn't answer my question, because I was suddenly back on Earth.
"The bastard kicked me out!" I yelled at the black night sky for a minute and then sank back. "Is this what hopelessness feels like? Is this what normal people go through when they lose someone? When I lost dad, I was able to see him the next day, but now…." I chocked on my words as tears flooded my eyes.
I began to feel numb, like all happiness had been sucked out of me. I knew that he was never coming back. I would never hear his "Querida's" ever again. I would never hear him again. I would never see him again. The thought of not seeing Jesse again was too much for me to bear. I ran to the house and picked up one of the boards that had a sharp point. "If I can't have Jesse here, then I'll go to Jesse!"
I was about to ram the board right through me, when a smooth voice said in my ear, "Do you really want to do that? You may not end up were Jesse is, and then where might you be?" "PAUL! I DON'T WANT TO ANY OF YOU GODDAM SHIT RIGHT NOW!" I turned and faced Paul. God, how I hated his face. It had on this smile. A smile that never seemed to go away. "Suze," he said, taking the board. "Do you actually think that killing yourself with making you see Jesse any faster. Do you actually think that you can go to him by just killing yourself?" He took the board out of my hands. He took my only escape from this black nothingness. This black darkness that seems to last an eternity or more. "Now, lets go back to Father D, since I'm no good at this comforting stuff." We walked over to Father D. When I got there I hugged him, and cried the hardest I have ever cried in my life. He patted me, trying to make things a little easier. How the hell were things going to get easier? They were so fucked up, that they went off the charts. I hate California. I never want to live in this state ever again.Since our house came crashing down because of the earthquake, we had to build a new one on the same spot. Since Andy is a carpenter it didn't cost all that much. Cee Cee let me stay at her house on weekends while they were doing construction. I went to school like normal, but everyone around me could tell that I had cut myself off from the world. They thought I was being so cold because of my house, but of course it was because of Jesse. They kept saying, "It's ok" and "Everything will get better." I kept thinking, "Like hell they will." Paul had been keeping his distance, for once. He had stop hitting on me, and just said hey to me down the hall. My family was able to rent an apartment until the construction was done. On weekdays I stayed with them. They even noticed my stiffness to everything. They thought it was because of the house too. The brothers 3 have been keeping their distance from me also. They probably think that I will attack them and get out all of my anger if they get to close. Ghosts have not been bothering me lately either. Maybe they knew that I wasn't planning on helping anyone any time soon. Father D was calling me into his office daily, saying stuff like "You have to move on from Jesse." and "Find a nice young man and be happy." Now Father D of all people was budding into my twisted life? I began writing poems that were felled with my sorrow.
Death, killing, destruction, yet
I feel no remorse for these actions.
My life is filled with yet more
confusion. I have yet to
experience the emotions of a
caring heart, for I bear no soul.
All I see before is the blood
trail that lies before me. The
past... I have none. I have none
that I can recall. If you have no
memory of the past, did you ever
have a past? Did I come into
existence that very moment? Did
time, did eternity stop just for
me? God is an omnipresent entity
yet he has revealed himself to
me. As I am a servant of the
death, god has shown himself
through my weapon. But if I
determine death, am I on the same
level as god, or am I superior?
All I know is I have to follow
the path that destiny has set out
for me. Yet will I follow this
road, or will I stray from this
path, only time will tell.
Ironic that time is also, like
god, omnipresent. You never know,
when it will let you go.
I had hit an all time low. When I was walking through the breezeway one day, Paul invited me to his house this Friday for a 'Cheer me up' He said he also invited a few other people from school to join. I was so gone that I accepted his invitation without complaint. I went home, told my parents that I was going to a party, and went to my room. Mom said I could go without even asked when, where, and for how long. I think that she thinks that a party would be good for me. I looked at the clock. The seconds ticked by. These were the seconds that I was living without Jesse.(Somewhere else in Carmel. Near where the Ackerman house is) A car pulled up to a two-story brick house that had a Sold sign in the front "Don't you think this house is perfect?" said a Hispanic man in a black business suit to a hispanic woman in a lacy white dress with pink ruffles. "Yes it is, querida. Jesse, what do you think?" "I think its perfect." Said a male voice from inside the car. "Now we can live where your great, great, great grandfather use to live."
What will happen at the party? Will Suze ever get out of her depression? Who is this mysterious family. Who is this other Jesse? You'll have to find out next time.