Calm After the Storm
Resting her head softly against the window, the blonde haired woman watched the shops and pedestrians pass by. The glass was cool against her forehead, a relieving change after the heat and humidity of Perth. Australia had been fantastic, just as all of the other stops on her tour had been, but Minako was more then happy to be back in Tokyo. It had been startling to have performed in an outdoor concert in the warm weather, in early December no less. It was an experience that she would remember for years to come, just like all of the other stops. The one thing, though, that she would remember the most, was the feeling of stepping in through the door and setting her eyes on her love for the first time in far too long.
That was the downside to being a world-renowned idol. It took her so far away from her beloved, and after the first few weeks, it got rather straining. Being who she was, it hurt especially because of just how much she loved her. It was in Minako's nature as the reincarnated Venus to love in a total and consuming way. She needed to love just as much as she craved to have it in return. Smiling ruefully, Minako's mind travelled back to the day when her raven had finally confronted her. She was still astonished at just how well Hotaru knew her, at just how the younger woman knew her better that she herself did.
It had been an interesting and slightly rocky path, discovering and exploring the love that had exploded between them. The attraction had not been instantaneous, but had instead developed slowly at first, before gaining momentum and taking them completely and inescapably in its grasp. Originally, Minako had taken it as her responsibility to train Hotaru, so that she was just as combat ready as the others. After a few months, she had proven to be an apt student, and in time, an invigorating match and sparring partner. They'd been a little reserved around each other at first, until they found a comfortable rhythm and had settled into it.
It had seemed so natural to shift to a friendship after that. From there, they'd learned more about each other than they had ever imagined possible. They had spoken of past wounds that refused to heal, and of dreams and aspirations shyly admitted. It was such an easy and familiar relationship they had settled into. Curious to most onlookers though, since Minako seemed to be the living personification of light and happiness and Hotaru the darkness and sadness. They had learned though, that Minako had the same capacity for melancholic moods, and Hotaru possessed a particularly wicked sense of humour. Perfect counterparts, that was what they were. The unexpected other half that neither had ever imagined finding.
Minako watched as the water slid down the window from the rain. She'd actually developed quite a fondness for rainy days. Even though she'd had few bad days experiences occur on them, there were enough fond memories to more than make up for them. Smiling faintly, her mind wandered back to a particularly stormy day...
The argument had been mostly unexpected and came without warning. Tension, anxiety, anger, and hurt –both old and new- had reached a breaking point that day in the park. Both of there were at their wit's end; Hotaru had grown weary with Minako for pulling back without warning, and Minako was too scared to let Hotaru push anymore. It left them in states of mind that did not bode well for levelheaded discussions or calm talks. Tempers flared and neither could afford to back down, yet one had to. The rolling thunder and crashing lightning of that afternoon was meek compared to the storm had finally reached a culmination.
"You can't just walk away from this. I can't and neither can you." The words were cold, stubborn, unrelenting, and a last hope and measure.
She'd turned her back, trying desperately to maintain her failing composure. She had fought so much, and tried every tactic she could think of, but the younger woman just would not accept them. Hotaru was showing herself to possess an extremely stubborn streak that was proving infuriating. "I can and I will. I've told you that this is not open for discussion!" she snapped, using anger as a defence...her last protection.
Hotaru didn't know how it had got as bad as it had. What she did know was that at one point, Minako and she were so incredibly close. She had really thought that she might have found someplace she finally belonged...someone she finally belonged with. Then, Minako had abruptly and harshly pulled back. It left her hurt and confused. She had spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was that she had done wrong, how she had offended Minako. The problem was: the more she thought about it and worked it over in her head, the more it hurt and didn't make sense...and to put it quite bluntly: pissed her off. After a week of heavy thinking, she'd managed to work herself into a hellish fury...something dangerous considering just who she was.
Angry and hurt –never a good combination- she had set off to confront Minako and find out just what was wrong. Now, Minako felt cornered and it was something that she was not responding well to. As happy and cheerful as she could be outwardly, Minako was still a fierce warrior and she did not fair well when she was boxed into a corner, instead reacting much like a caged wild cat would.
Feeling her own anger rise, Minako rounded on Hotaru, her blue eyes snapping with a barely restrained fury. "Don't push me on this. I mean it, this is just something that you have to let be." Her own words were equally as cold and quiet as Hotaru's, holding a growled danger to them.
Refusing to back down, Hotaru glared fiercely at the taller blonde before her. After a moment, she looked away out over the park they stood in. It was absolutely pouring, but she wasn't sure either of them had even noticed. Like the argument, the storm had crashed over them suddenly and without warning. She'd never intended to start this, but she knew now that this would decide how they went from here. Either they would break through whatever it was that was restraining them, or they would walk away from what could be and never look back.
The anger rose again before she could stomp it back down, and before she realised what she was doing, she had turned back to Minako. "I thought I understood you, but maybe I was wrong. I just don't know what to do with you anymore." Hotaru reached up and ran a hand through her soaked hair in a frustrated manner. "I just wish you would tell me what you want! What is it? Tell me so that I can finally make you happy, because everything I've tried to do is that, but instead I anger you. What the hell do you want?!" She was just so frustrated...and hurt...and helpless.
Marginally calmer, she looked up at Minako, pain clearly showing in her violet eyes. "Just tell me what it is you want and I swear I'll do everything in my power to deliver it to you and leave you be. Tell me so that I can finally just put us both out of our misery."
Minako shook with the irrational anger. She didn't even know why it was she was so angry, other than that it kept a distance between them. Anger was safer and easier to deal with than the alternative...at least, that was what she told herself. "What do I want? Do you really want to know?"
Hotaru felt like tugging on her hair and just screaming at the other woman. Instead, she just growled, exasperation and frustration colouring her voice, "Yes!"
Minako half turned and looked back at Hotaru, abnormally dark blue eyes locking with violet eyes just as vibrant and fierce as her own. Moments passed, unnoticed, as their gazes held and the barriers were stripped away. In those moments, Minako saw with startling clarity just why Hotaru wouldn't back down. She couldn't. The younger woman was just as scared as she was, if not more so.
An eternity spent in an endless sentry over the galaxy had let her grown accustomed to the cold and unrelenting solitude and loneliness. Even after her first lifetime on Earth, she had learned the solitude that characterised her alter ego and knew it as though it was an old friend. This lifetime though...this time she had been raised by a loving family and was constantly surrounded by love and friends. The barriers that had been in place for centuries...millennia even had been torn down and shattered irreparably, and by no small amount of effort from Minako either. This time she wasn't sure if she could face the solitude again and still keep a firm grasp on the humanity that had been nurtured in her.
Minako glanced away, letting saltwater mingle with that of the storm. It hurt too much. She just couldn't give in and lose that last thread of control. It was one or the other, and because of who she was it had to be one, yet her duty demanded the other. She hurt so much that it was near unbearable, and that was why she had pulled back even though she knew it was too late.
'Your love will be hopeless for all eternity.' The words had haunted her for years now and still did. She'd always feared having to make that decision: the ultimate choice...love or duty. And though he had become an enemy, Adonis' words had held a truth in them. As leader of Serenity's senshi, how could she promise herself to someone, but always acknowledge that her life was not her own? She had realised that she could only love completely and in an utterly consuming manner, to devote everything in her to the other person...her other half. Yet, that was exactly what her duty demanded of her: to sacrifice everything that she had to protect her queen. In a dark and forsaken moment, she had made the choice just as Adonis had predicted.
Duty would always come first. It had to. Love completely, or not at all, and she had chosen the best choice for all, the one that would ensure the safety of the future, just as it damned her. But now, it wasn't just her heart or her life that hung in the balance anymore. Now, Hotaru's fate was tangled irreversibly in her own and though Minako could damn herself to a life of half relationships and lonely nights, she couldn't do that to the woman in front of her. Not with how much it would hurt Hotaru, and that would hurt Minako.
She closed her eyes and let the tears fall for a few more minutes. She never should have got that close. She should have pulled back sooner and kept a safe distance between them. But she couldn't. As much as she tried to deny it, Minako craved the connection she had found with Hotaru and she didn't want to lose that. Deep within, she knew that she also needed what she might find with Hotaru...despite what she had told herself through the years.
When Minako turned back to face Hotaru, the anger had drained away leaving her with an eerie calm. Her voice was hushed and had an almost emotionless tone. "All I want, Hotaru? All I want in the world," the last two words were whispered and barely audible above the raging storm. "...is you."
Amethyst hued eyes widened in something akin to shock and disbelief, as Hotaru stared at the blonde woman. Her surprise must have shown clearly on her face, because Minako smiled wryly and didn't suppress the half-hearted, rueful chuckle. It was astonishing, really, just how fast you could shift emotions. "I know, I have a strange way of showing it."
Hotaru didn't respond, too stunned and not expecting to actually hear the words. She'd hoped to at least get a chance, but never expected such a blatant admission. Minako glanced around as she ran a hand through her sodden hair, now darker with rain. "I didn't want to believe it, to be honest." She didn't actually mean to say the words, but couldn't seem to stop them from spilling forth like floodwaters. It was as if a dam had broken in her, and nothing could stop it. "I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else, but it is true." She tipped her head back and stared up at the violently roiling clouds for a moment, before sighing and dropping her head again. "I didn't want to acknowledge it, because I didn't want to risk hurting you. So, instead, I just ended up hurting you anyway by trying to protect you."
"I..." Her voice was hoarse, as though from misuse. Hotaru swallowed a few times, blinking, and trying to gather some resemblance of her wits she knew she possessed. "I don't understand," she tried again. "Why didn't you want to admit it?"
Minako's eyes seemed to focus on a far away point. "Because I can't. So much prevents me from following my heart."
"What stops you? What is it that you think is preventing you?"
"Duty." It was such a simple word, and yet so terribly complex in what it bound.
"Bullshit." Minako's gaze snapped around to lock on Hotaru, surprise at the curse clearly showing on her features. "Haruka and Michiru don't perform any less do they?"
Minako sighed. "You don't understand."
Hotaru briefly debated with herself before ignoring caution and taking a step forward to lay an almost hesitant hand upon the taller woman's arm. "Then help me understand." It was almost a plea.
Minako searched the purple eyes, receiving a concerned, earnest, and compassionate gaze in return. She so desperately wanted to loose herself in those violet depths, to drown in all that was promised and forget the hurt and damnation she had lived with for so many years. "I can't make that choice. I could never chose between my queen and my lover, and because of who I am, my devotion would be as equally great for one as it is for the other. I just can't." Minutes passed unnoticed before she added, "Besides, the choice was made years ago."
Anger from earlier curiously disappeared, Hotaru frowned slightly. "What does that mean?"
"Hopeless for all eternity, that is what any love I have will be. So many years ago, I made that choice. When I took up the mantle of being the leader of Serenity's senshi, I made that choice. I might not have consciously stated it, but I knew –somewhere within myself- that it was one or the other. It could never, and can never be both." Minako sighed, both in exhaustion and resignation. "I cannot make that choice again, it has been made, and I know now it can't be repealed."
Hotaru was quiet for a few moments. "What if you were wrong? What if you had made the choice, but all these years you've been mistaken as to which it was you chose?"
Blonde eyebrows drew together in a frown. "What do you mean by that?"
Hotaru looked up at the clouds above, watching as lightning traced its way across the sky, heedless of the turmoil on the ground below. "What if you were wrong? It could happen you know. Not everyone is right, all of the time." She gave Minako a small, almost hesitant smile. "What if, before there was Serenity, you had made that choice?"
"Before Serenity?" Minako shook her head in an effort to loosen any scrap of understanding. "Just when do you mean?"
"I'm not sure, honestly."
Incomprehension bled into frustration. "Would you please make some shred of sense, because all you are doing is confusing the absolute hell out of me."
The corner of Hotaru's mouth quirked up at that. "Gomen. I just have this feeling that this isn't the first time you and I have been at such a crossroad." She finally looked back down at the blonde woman. "I think we've been lovers before."
Minako blinked. Anything was possible, yes, but that... "Wouldn't I remember something like that?"
"Not necessarily. There are some things you are still rebuilding your memories of. We are old souls, Minako. We have lived for untold centuries, and every time I've met you, I have always been drawn to you. I don't believe I've always spent my existence on Saturn. My presence here disputes that," Hotaru told Minako softly. She stepped forward slowly, and laid a hand on her arm. "Something about you is so familiar, so natural to me. In some ways, I feel as though I should know you better than I know myself. I think...I think this decision you fear so much, you've never had to make it. It was never there for you to have to make."
Minako again ran a hand through her hair, fighting to make sense of it all. "If what you say is true, if you are truly right, that means all these years...it's all been for nothing."
Hotaru understood Minako's words and sympathised with the woman. "It means, that you never actually had to make that choice, but it doesn't mean you can't also be the leader of the senshi." Hotaru stepped closer so that she stood directly in front of Minako, and took a hold of both arms gently. "You only think that it is a decision that you'll have to make. You are forgetting the other factors, Minako. What about the one you're involved with? What if it was me? Haven't I proven I can keep myself safe...at least marginally?"
Minako couldn't keep the slight half-smile that emerged. Her blue eyes finally, shyly met Hotaru's.
Realising she was making headway, Hotaru pressed on. "Yes, there is the chance that maybe I might get myself in trouble and will need saving, and maybe at the same time, Serenity will also need the same, but there are others you know." She paused almost imperceptibly before continuing on. "You don't have to shoulder all of the responsibility. I know you believe that you have to be responsible for us all as leader, but a good leader also knows when to depend upon those under them. A good captain knows how to use all of the resources at their disposal. I know you're scared Minako, and so am I. But while I'm scared of this, I am more frightened of what will happen if I give up on this. Of what I will become and of what it will do to you."
"Wh-"Minako cleared her suddenly tight throat. "What do you mean, what it will do to me?"
Hotaru sighed. "You really don't realise it, do you? You don't know just how much you need love." Minako frowned in confusion. The younger woman frowned too as she re-ordered her thoughts and continued. "Love is your strength, Minako. Your heart is you greatest asset and it is where your strength comes from. However, it is also you're greatest weakness. Without love in your life, you are not complete and you don't have anything to draw your strength from. You can't live without it, and in denying yourself: you hurt yourself. In a round-about way, in trying to serve and protect your queen, you are actually putting both of your lives at risk."
It actually made a twisted and confusing sort of sense, and despite how much the truth did hurt, Minako's sense of humour refused to lie dormant any longer. "That doesn't make me feel much better you know. I've hurt you, I've hurt myself, I've been agonising over a choice I never have had to make, I've risked both of us, and now I've put not just Serenity's life at risk, but also my own, yours, the other's, and even all of them that I've fought to protect." She gestured at the city around them. "By all sounds of it, I've royally screwed up."
Hotaru acknowledged the humour, but addressed her words seriously. "Maybe you might have been mistaken, but it happens. Contrary to the belief of everyone else out there, we are not gods and we do err. You are human, and just because you might not realise something, it does not mean you should be condemned for it, and I will be the last to do so. Kami knows I've made my share of errors and misjudgements. When it comes to ourselves, we are blind. We are either too kind in our judgments of ourselves, or too harsh, and none of us, my friend, are blind to our faults. Perhaps you made a few mistakes, what are you going to do about them? Are you going to step away from your duty and wallow in the past, or are you going to take the lessons they bring and remember them in the future?"
Minako watched the younger woman, standing so close to her. "When did you get so wise?" she asked softly.
"Oh, I've lived a fair few millennia and had a good had nothing to do in that time but think." Hotaru smiled, realising the blonde had heard and understood her. "I've had to learn from my own past and its disappointments, and it is always easier to see things in others then in ourselves. Anyone can give out the advice, but the question is, can they follow it themselves?"
"Mmm." Minako was silent as the minutes passed, the rain still falling around them. "Where do we go from here?" she asked softly.
Hotaru looked up at her, "Where do you want to go?"
"After all that has passed, is there anything we can salvage?"
Hotaru smiled wryly. "You know, at some point, one of us is going to have to answer one of these questions."
Minako returned the smile and reached out to tuck a dark lock of hair behind Hotaru's ear. "I asked first."
Hotaru couldn't and didn't want to even try to keep the chuckles that bubbled up. "And how old are you again?"
Minako grinned. "As old as I want to be." Minako let the smile fade from her lips, though she kept the warmth and good humour in her eyes. "I think...I think I want to take it all back. I want to start over and not make the same mistakes or drive you away."
Hotaru gave Minako a stern look. "You weren't listening much, were you." Minako blinked in confusion. Hotaru reached up and pushed soaking, blonde hair away from Minako's face and let her fingers trail across Minako's cheek as she let her hand rest on the blonde's shoulder. "You can either stay in the past, regretting what was, or you can accept it, and work towards a better tomorrow. Don't regret the past; learn from it and let it guide you as you move forward into your future."
"Learn from it..." Minako considered the words as they rolled over her tongue. She tilted her head to the side slightly and took one of Hotaru's hands, watching as their fingers tangled themselves together...much like they themselves were. Her gaze flicked back up to Hotaru's waiting eyes. "Move towards the future..." After a moment, she spoke again, this time to the woman standing so close to her. "You know, I've never been much of a thinker. Oh, I can do it, but I am more of an 'act first, try and get myself out of trouble afterward' kind of girl. I do better going on instinct instead of thinking too heavily about it. Thinking is what got me into this mess in the first place."
It took a second or two to realise just what Minako wasn't saying. "So stop thinking, and just do," Hotaru said simply.
"You know," Minako said, with a smile as she drew Hotaru closer by winding an arm about her waist. "I was just thinking the same thing," she said with a grin. She brought her free hand up and slid it through dark hair, her eyes softening and displaying a thousand emotions nakedly. She finally just dropped her lips the short distance to meet Hotaru's in a kiss that wasn't passionate or intense, but that held the beginnings of something great, wondrous, and timeless. It was everything she'd ever craved and nothing that she'd ever dared to imagine. It was her beginning, middle, and end. It was her salvation.
When the storm had broken and they'd walked out of the park, fingers still irreversibly intertwined, not everything had been resolved. There was still much that they each had to work through, and that would take time. But that was one thing that they did have. Time was on their side for once. They both still had much to learn and past wounds to finally heal, but for now it was enough. It wasn't a lot, but it was a beginning.
Minako recognised the familiar face of her apartment building where her flat was located. As the driver pulled to a stop, she smiled and thanked the man before opening the door herself and stepped out. She always managed to infuriate them by doing that, though she didn't mean to. The man managed to step around to the back first though, and opened the trunk of the car to retrieve her bag. He gave her an admonishing look, a smile lurking on his features. She simply gave him a sheepish smile and took the bag from him, slinging the strap over her shoulder. The rest of her luggage would arrive later. For now, she had but one thing on her mind. Thanking the man one last time, she stepped under the awning, gave the doorman a friendly wave, and entered the building, blue eyes intent on the elevator.
Chaotic beginnings didn't always mean a rocky relationship. Though, it did depend on what type of rocks you meant, she mused as she intently watched the floors pass. Granite was a good example of just how solid theirs was. Minako shook her head to rid herself of the strange track her musings had taken her. She smiled politely and nodded as a woman left on a lower floor. She reached over with her key and pressed the button for the top floor. She grinned as the doors slid shut with a slight hiss and the lift continued on its way, unhindered.
When she finally reached the top floor, and the doors retracted to let her out, she walked down the short hallway to the apartment door. Apartment was an understated term, but it worked well enough. She slid her key in and turned the dead bolt, and then the lock in the knob. Minako pushed the door inward and stepped in before shutting it behind her quietly with a soft 'snick.' Out of habit, she threw the locks while she slipped her shoes off and let her long coat slide down her arms. In her stocking feet, she padded down the hallway and stopped at the arched entrance to the main sitting room. Dropping her duffle bag in the hall, out of the way against a wall, she stood and took in the sight before her.
Minako felt her heart contract slightly as she caught the sight of her love and partner bathed in the early evening golds and reds. Silhouetted by the setting sun, Hotaru was a vision to behold, one that stole the breath from her body as all she could do was stand and drink in the sight. After a few moments, Minako was finally able to exhale softly. As the younger woman turned and her dark hair fell, framing her face, delight and affection lit her violet eyes, causing a smile to cross Minako's features. Pride swelled within her, from the knowledge that it was she who was the cause of that look.
"Hi," she said softly, crossing the room to stop before the shorter woman. Her own eyes, as expressive as ever, shone down at Hotaru and reflected that same adoration and happiness at finally being reunited. "I missed you," she whispered simply before pulling Hotaru into a heart felt embrace.
If you enjoyed this tale of Minako and Hotaru, or think you could do it better, please contact me. You can either email me at the stated address, or try yahoo messenger, MSN, or ICQ. If you are just generally interested, please drop me a line. I'll be more than happy to reply.
Resting her head softly against the window, the blonde haired woman watched the shops and pedestrians pass by. The glass was cool against her forehead, a relieving change after the heat and humidity of Perth. Australia had been fantastic, just as all of the other stops on her tour had been, but Minako was more then happy to be back in Tokyo. It had been startling to have performed in an outdoor concert in the warm weather, in early December no less. It was an experience that she would remember for years to come, just like all of the other stops. The one thing, though, that she would remember the most, was the feeling of stepping in through the door and setting her eyes on her love for the first time in far too long.
That was the downside to being a world-renowned idol. It took her so far away from her beloved, and after the first few weeks, it got rather straining. Being who she was, it hurt especially because of just how much she loved her. It was in Minako's nature as the reincarnated Venus to love in a total and consuming way. She needed to love just as much as she craved to have it in return. Smiling ruefully, Minako's mind travelled back to the day when her raven had finally confronted her. She was still astonished at just how well Hotaru knew her, at just how the younger woman knew her better that she herself did.
It had been an interesting and slightly rocky path, discovering and exploring the love that had exploded between them. The attraction had not been instantaneous, but had instead developed slowly at first, before gaining momentum and taking them completely and inescapably in its grasp. Originally, Minako had taken it as her responsibility to train Hotaru, so that she was just as combat ready as the others. After a few months, she had proven to be an apt student, and in time, an invigorating match and sparring partner. They'd been a little reserved around each other at first, until they found a comfortable rhythm and had settled into it.
It had seemed so natural to shift to a friendship after that. From there, they'd learned more about each other than they had ever imagined possible. They had spoken of past wounds that refused to heal, and of dreams and aspirations shyly admitted. It was such an easy and familiar relationship they had settled into. Curious to most onlookers though, since Minako seemed to be the living personification of light and happiness and Hotaru the darkness and sadness. They had learned though, that Minako had the same capacity for melancholic moods, and Hotaru possessed a particularly wicked sense of humour. Perfect counterparts, that was what they were. The unexpected other half that neither had ever imagined finding.
Minako watched as the water slid down the window from the rain. She'd actually developed quite a fondness for rainy days. Even though she'd had few bad days experiences occur on them, there were enough fond memories to more than make up for them. Smiling faintly, her mind wandered back to a particularly stormy day...
The argument had been mostly unexpected and came without warning. Tension, anxiety, anger, and hurt –both old and new- had reached a breaking point that day in the park. Both of there were at their wit's end; Hotaru had grown weary with Minako for pulling back without warning, and Minako was too scared to let Hotaru push anymore. It left them in states of mind that did not bode well for levelheaded discussions or calm talks. Tempers flared and neither could afford to back down, yet one had to. The rolling thunder and crashing lightning of that afternoon was meek compared to the storm had finally reached a culmination.
"You can't just walk away from this. I can't and neither can you." The words were cold, stubborn, unrelenting, and a last hope and measure.
She'd turned her back, trying desperately to maintain her failing composure. She had fought so much, and tried every tactic she could think of, but the younger woman just would not accept them. Hotaru was showing herself to possess an extremely stubborn streak that was proving infuriating. "I can and I will. I've told you that this is not open for discussion!" she snapped, using anger as a defence...her last protection.
Hotaru didn't know how it had got as bad as it had. What she did know was that at one point, Minako and she were so incredibly close. She had really thought that she might have found someplace she finally belonged...someone she finally belonged with. Then, Minako had abruptly and harshly pulled back. It left her hurt and confused. She had spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was that she had done wrong, how she had offended Minako. The problem was: the more she thought about it and worked it over in her head, the more it hurt and didn't make sense...and to put it quite bluntly: pissed her off. After a week of heavy thinking, she'd managed to work herself into a hellish fury...something dangerous considering just who she was.
Angry and hurt –never a good combination- she had set off to confront Minako and find out just what was wrong. Now, Minako felt cornered and it was something that she was not responding well to. As happy and cheerful as she could be outwardly, Minako was still a fierce warrior and she did not fair well when she was boxed into a corner, instead reacting much like a caged wild cat would.
Feeling her own anger rise, Minako rounded on Hotaru, her blue eyes snapping with a barely restrained fury. "Don't push me on this. I mean it, this is just something that you have to let be." Her own words were equally as cold and quiet as Hotaru's, holding a growled danger to them.
Refusing to back down, Hotaru glared fiercely at the taller blonde before her. After a moment, she looked away out over the park they stood in. It was absolutely pouring, but she wasn't sure either of them had even noticed. Like the argument, the storm had crashed over them suddenly and without warning. She'd never intended to start this, but she knew now that this would decide how they went from here. Either they would break through whatever it was that was restraining them, or they would walk away from what could be and never look back.
The anger rose again before she could stomp it back down, and before she realised what she was doing, she had turned back to Minako. "I thought I understood you, but maybe I was wrong. I just don't know what to do with you anymore." Hotaru reached up and ran a hand through her soaked hair in a frustrated manner. "I just wish you would tell me what you want! What is it? Tell me so that I can finally make you happy, because everything I've tried to do is that, but instead I anger you. What the hell do you want?!" She was just so frustrated...and hurt...and helpless.
Marginally calmer, she looked up at Minako, pain clearly showing in her violet eyes. "Just tell me what it is you want and I swear I'll do everything in my power to deliver it to you and leave you be. Tell me so that I can finally just put us both out of our misery."
Minako shook with the irrational anger. She didn't even know why it was she was so angry, other than that it kept a distance between them. Anger was safer and easier to deal with than the alternative...at least, that was what she told herself. "What do I want? Do you really want to know?"
Hotaru felt like tugging on her hair and just screaming at the other woman. Instead, she just growled, exasperation and frustration colouring her voice, "Yes!"
Minako half turned and looked back at Hotaru, abnormally dark blue eyes locking with violet eyes just as vibrant and fierce as her own. Moments passed, unnoticed, as their gazes held and the barriers were stripped away. In those moments, Minako saw with startling clarity just why Hotaru wouldn't back down. She couldn't. The younger woman was just as scared as she was, if not more so.
An eternity spent in an endless sentry over the galaxy had let her grown accustomed to the cold and unrelenting solitude and loneliness. Even after her first lifetime on Earth, she had learned the solitude that characterised her alter ego and knew it as though it was an old friend. This lifetime though...this time she had been raised by a loving family and was constantly surrounded by love and friends. The barriers that had been in place for centuries...millennia even had been torn down and shattered irreparably, and by no small amount of effort from Minako either. This time she wasn't sure if she could face the solitude again and still keep a firm grasp on the humanity that had been nurtured in her.
Minako glanced away, letting saltwater mingle with that of the storm. It hurt too much. She just couldn't give in and lose that last thread of control. It was one or the other, and because of who she was it had to be one, yet her duty demanded the other. She hurt so much that it was near unbearable, and that was why she had pulled back even though she knew it was too late.
'Your love will be hopeless for all eternity.' The words had haunted her for years now and still did. She'd always feared having to make that decision: the ultimate choice...love or duty. And though he had become an enemy, Adonis' words had held a truth in them. As leader of Serenity's senshi, how could she promise herself to someone, but always acknowledge that her life was not her own? She had realised that she could only love completely and in an utterly consuming manner, to devote everything in her to the other person...her other half. Yet, that was exactly what her duty demanded of her: to sacrifice everything that she had to protect her queen. In a dark and forsaken moment, she had made the choice just as Adonis had predicted.
Duty would always come first. It had to. Love completely, or not at all, and she had chosen the best choice for all, the one that would ensure the safety of the future, just as it damned her. But now, it wasn't just her heart or her life that hung in the balance anymore. Now, Hotaru's fate was tangled irreversibly in her own and though Minako could damn herself to a life of half relationships and lonely nights, she couldn't do that to the woman in front of her. Not with how much it would hurt Hotaru, and that would hurt Minako.
She closed her eyes and let the tears fall for a few more minutes. She never should have got that close. She should have pulled back sooner and kept a safe distance between them. But she couldn't. As much as she tried to deny it, Minako craved the connection she had found with Hotaru and she didn't want to lose that. Deep within, she knew that she also needed what she might find with Hotaru...despite what she had told herself through the years.
When Minako turned back to face Hotaru, the anger had drained away leaving her with an eerie calm. Her voice was hushed and had an almost emotionless tone. "All I want, Hotaru? All I want in the world," the last two words were whispered and barely audible above the raging storm. "...is you."
Amethyst hued eyes widened in something akin to shock and disbelief, as Hotaru stared at the blonde woman. Her surprise must have shown clearly on her face, because Minako smiled wryly and didn't suppress the half-hearted, rueful chuckle. It was astonishing, really, just how fast you could shift emotions. "I know, I have a strange way of showing it."
Hotaru didn't respond, too stunned and not expecting to actually hear the words. She'd hoped to at least get a chance, but never expected such a blatant admission. Minako glanced around as she ran a hand through her sodden hair, now darker with rain. "I didn't want to believe it, to be honest." She didn't actually mean to say the words, but couldn't seem to stop them from spilling forth like floodwaters. It was as if a dam had broken in her, and nothing could stop it. "I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else, but it is true." She tipped her head back and stared up at the violently roiling clouds for a moment, before sighing and dropping her head again. "I didn't want to acknowledge it, because I didn't want to risk hurting you. So, instead, I just ended up hurting you anyway by trying to protect you."
"I..." Her voice was hoarse, as though from misuse. Hotaru swallowed a few times, blinking, and trying to gather some resemblance of her wits she knew she possessed. "I don't understand," she tried again. "Why didn't you want to admit it?"
Minako's eyes seemed to focus on a far away point. "Because I can't. So much prevents me from following my heart."
"What stops you? What is it that you think is preventing you?"
"Duty." It was such a simple word, and yet so terribly complex in what it bound.
"Bullshit." Minako's gaze snapped around to lock on Hotaru, surprise at the curse clearly showing on her features. "Haruka and Michiru don't perform any less do they?"
Minako sighed. "You don't understand."
Hotaru briefly debated with herself before ignoring caution and taking a step forward to lay an almost hesitant hand upon the taller woman's arm. "Then help me understand." It was almost a plea.
Minako searched the purple eyes, receiving a concerned, earnest, and compassionate gaze in return. She so desperately wanted to loose herself in those violet depths, to drown in all that was promised and forget the hurt and damnation she had lived with for so many years. "I can't make that choice. I could never chose between my queen and my lover, and because of who I am, my devotion would be as equally great for one as it is for the other. I just can't." Minutes passed unnoticed before she added, "Besides, the choice was made years ago."
Anger from earlier curiously disappeared, Hotaru frowned slightly. "What does that mean?"
"Hopeless for all eternity, that is what any love I have will be. So many years ago, I made that choice. When I took up the mantle of being the leader of Serenity's senshi, I made that choice. I might not have consciously stated it, but I knew –somewhere within myself- that it was one or the other. It could never, and can never be both." Minako sighed, both in exhaustion and resignation. "I cannot make that choice again, it has been made, and I know now it can't be repealed."
Hotaru was quiet for a few moments. "What if you were wrong? What if you had made the choice, but all these years you've been mistaken as to which it was you chose?"
Blonde eyebrows drew together in a frown. "What do you mean by that?"
Hotaru looked up at the clouds above, watching as lightning traced its way across the sky, heedless of the turmoil on the ground below. "What if you were wrong? It could happen you know. Not everyone is right, all of the time." She gave Minako a small, almost hesitant smile. "What if, before there was Serenity, you had made that choice?"
"Before Serenity?" Minako shook her head in an effort to loosen any scrap of understanding. "Just when do you mean?"
"I'm not sure, honestly."
Incomprehension bled into frustration. "Would you please make some shred of sense, because all you are doing is confusing the absolute hell out of me."
The corner of Hotaru's mouth quirked up at that. "Gomen. I just have this feeling that this isn't the first time you and I have been at such a crossroad." She finally looked back down at the blonde woman. "I think we've been lovers before."
Minako blinked. Anything was possible, yes, but that... "Wouldn't I remember something like that?"
"Not necessarily. There are some things you are still rebuilding your memories of. We are old souls, Minako. We have lived for untold centuries, and every time I've met you, I have always been drawn to you. I don't believe I've always spent my existence on Saturn. My presence here disputes that," Hotaru told Minako softly. She stepped forward slowly, and laid a hand on her arm. "Something about you is so familiar, so natural to me. In some ways, I feel as though I should know you better than I know myself. I think...I think this decision you fear so much, you've never had to make it. It was never there for you to have to make."
Minako again ran a hand through her hair, fighting to make sense of it all. "If what you say is true, if you are truly right, that means all these years...it's all been for nothing."
Hotaru understood Minako's words and sympathised with the woman. "It means, that you never actually had to make that choice, but it doesn't mean you can't also be the leader of the senshi." Hotaru stepped closer so that she stood directly in front of Minako, and took a hold of both arms gently. "You only think that it is a decision that you'll have to make. You are forgetting the other factors, Minako. What about the one you're involved with? What if it was me? Haven't I proven I can keep myself safe...at least marginally?"
Minako couldn't keep the slight half-smile that emerged. Her blue eyes finally, shyly met Hotaru's.
Realising she was making headway, Hotaru pressed on. "Yes, there is the chance that maybe I might get myself in trouble and will need saving, and maybe at the same time, Serenity will also need the same, but there are others you know." She paused almost imperceptibly before continuing on. "You don't have to shoulder all of the responsibility. I know you believe that you have to be responsible for us all as leader, but a good leader also knows when to depend upon those under them. A good captain knows how to use all of the resources at their disposal. I know you're scared Minako, and so am I. But while I'm scared of this, I am more frightened of what will happen if I give up on this. Of what I will become and of what it will do to you."
"Wh-"Minako cleared her suddenly tight throat. "What do you mean, what it will do to me?"
Hotaru sighed. "You really don't realise it, do you? You don't know just how much you need love." Minako frowned in confusion. The younger woman frowned too as she re-ordered her thoughts and continued. "Love is your strength, Minako. Your heart is you greatest asset and it is where your strength comes from. However, it is also you're greatest weakness. Without love in your life, you are not complete and you don't have anything to draw your strength from. You can't live without it, and in denying yourself: you hurt yourself. In a round-about way, in trying to serve and protect your queen, you are actually putting both of your lives at risk."
It actually made a twisted and confusing sort of sense, and despite how much the truth did hurt, Minako's sense of humour refused to lie dormant any longer. "That doesn't make me feel much better you know. I've hurt you, I've hurt myself, I've been agonising over a choice I never have had to make, I've risked both of us, and now I've put not just Serenity's life at risk, but also my own, yours, the other's, and even all of them that I've fought to protect." She gestured at the city around them. "By all sounds of it, I've royally screwed up."
Hotaru acknowledged the humour, but addressed her words seriously. "Maybe you might have been mistaken, but it happens. Contrary to the belief of everyone else out there, we are not gods and we do err. You are human, and just because you might not realise something, it does not mean you should be condemned for it, and I will be the last to do so. Kami knows I've made my share of errors and misjudgements. When it comes to ourselves, we are blind. We are either too kind in our judgments of ourselves, or too harsh, and none of us, my friend, are blind to our faults. Perhaps you made a few mistakes, what are you going to do about them? Are you going to step away from your duty and wallow in the past, or are you going to take the lessons they bring and remember them in the future?"
Minako watched the younger woman, standing so close to her. "When did you get so wise?" she asked softly.
"Oh, I've lived a fair few millennia and had a good had nothing to do in that time but think." Hotaru smiled, realising the blonde had heard and understood her. "I've had to learn from my own past and its disappointments, and it is always easier to see things in others then in ourselves. Anyone can give out the advice, but the question is, can they follow it themselves?"
"Mmm." Minako was silent as the minutes passed, the rain still falling around them. "Where do we go from here?" she asked softly.
Hotaru looked up at her, "Where do you want to go?"
"After all that has passed, is there anything we can salvage?"
Hotaru smiled wryly. "You know, at some point, one of us is going to have to answer one of these questions."
Minako returned the smile and reached out to tuck a dark lock of hair behind Hotaru's ear. "I asked first."
Hotaru couldn't and didn't want to even try to keep the chuckles that bubbled up. "And how old are you again?"
Minako grinned. "As old as I want to be." Minako let the smile fade from her lips, though she kept the warmth and good humour in her eyes. "I think...I think I want to take it all back. I want to start over and not make the same mistakes or drive you away."
Hotaru gave Minako a stern look. "You weren't listening much, were you." Minako blinked in confusion. Hotaru reached up and pushed soaking, blonde hair away from Minako's face and let her fingers trail across Minako's cheek as she let her hand rest on the blonde's shoulder. "You can either stay in the past, regretting what was, or you can accept it, and work towards a better tomorrow. Don't regret the past; learn from it and let it guide you as you move forward into your future."
"Learn from it..." Minako considered the words as they rolled over her tongue. She tilted her head to the side slightly and took one of Hotaru's hands, watching as their fingers tangled themselves together...much like they themselves were. Her gaze flicked back up to Hotaru's waiting eyes. "Move towards the future..." After a moment, she spoke again, this time to the woman standing so close to her. "You know, I've never been much of a thinker. Oh, I can do it, but I am more of an 'act first, try and get myself out of trouble afterward' kind of girl. I do better going on instinct instead of thinking too heavily about it. Thinking is what got me into this mess in the first place."
It took a second or two to realise just what Minako wasn't saying. "So stop thinking, and just do," Hotaru said simply.
"You know," Minako said, with a smile as she drew Hotaru closer by winding an arm about her waist. "I was just thinking the same thing," she said with a grin. She brought her free hand up and slid it through dark hair, her eyes softening and displaying a thousand emotions nakedly. She finally just dropped her lips the short distance to meet Hotaru's in a kiss that wasn't passionate or intense, but that held the beginnings of something great, wondrous, and timeless. It was everything she'd ever craved and nothing that she'd ever dared to imagine. It was her beginning, middle, and end. It was her salvation.
When the storm had broken and they'd walked out of the park, fingers still irreversibly intertwined, not everything had been resolved. There was still much that they each had to work through, and that would take time. But that was one thing that they did have. Time was on their side for once. They both still had much to learn and past wounds to finally heal, but for now it was enough. It wasn't a lot, but it was a beginning.
Minako recognised the familiar face of her apartment building where her flat was located. As the driver pulled to a stop, she smiled and thanked the man before opening the door herself and stepped out. She always managed to infuriate them by doing that, though she didn't mean to. The man managed to step around to the back first though, and opened the trunk of the car to retrieve her bag. He gave her an admonishing look, a smile lurking on his features. She simply gave him a sheepish smile and took the bag from him, slinging the strap over her shoulder. The rest of her luggage would arrive later. For now, she had but one thing on her mind. Thanking the man one last time, she stepped under the awning, gave the doorman a friendly wave, and entered the building, blue eyes intent on the elevator.
Chaotic beginnings didn't always mean a rocky relationship. Though, it did depend on what type of rocks you meant, she mused as she intently watched the floors pass. Granite was a good example of just how solid theirs was. Minako shook her head to rid herself of the strange track her musings had taken her. She smiled politely and nodded as a woman left on a lower floor. She reached over with her key and pressed the button for the top floor. She grinned as the doors slid shut with a slight hiss and the lift continued on its way, unhindered.
When she finally reached the top floor, and the doors retracted to let her out, she walked down the short hallway to the apartment door. Apartment was an understated term, but it worked well enough. She slid her key in and turned the dead bolt, and then the lock in the knob. Minako pushed the door inward and stepped in before shutting it behind her quietly with a soft 'snick.' Out of habit, she threw the locks while she slipped her shoes off and let her long coat slide down her arms. In her stocking feet, she padded down the hallway and stopped at the arched entrance to the main sitting room. Dropping her duffle bag in the hall, out of the way against a wall, she stood and took in the sight before her.
Minako felt her heart contract slightly as she caught the sight of her love and partner bathed in the early evening golds and reds. Silhouetted by the setting sun, Hotaru was a vision to behold, one that stole the breath from her body as all she could do was stand and drink in the sight. After a few moments, Minako was finally able to exhale softly. As the younger woman turned and her dark hair fell, framing her face, delight and affection lit her violet eyes, causing a smile to cross Minako's features. Pride swelled within her, from the knowledge that it was she who was the cause of that look.
"Hi," she said softly, crossing the room to stop before the shorter woman. Her own eyes, as expressive as ever, shone down at Hotaru and reflected that same adoration and happiness at finally being reunited. "I missed you," she whispered simply before pulling Hotaru into a heart felt embrace.
If you enjoyed this tale of Minako and Hotaru, or think you could do it better, please contact me. You can either email me at the stated address, or try yahoo messenger, MSN, or ICQ. If you are just generally interested, please drop me a line. I'll be more than happy to reply.