Goddard, Come Home

by Gary D. Snyder

Part 1:

"And so, class," Miss Fowl clucked in conclusion, "I expect all of you to have the reports on your pets ready to turn in next Friday." She looked about the class. "Any que-e-estions?"

Carl raised his hand timidly. "Umm…Miss Fowl?" he asked hesistantly. "If my pet was a llama, but it was from the mall instead of South America, and was covered in flannel instead of fur, and –"

"No plush toys," answered Miss Fowl firmly.

Sheen raised his hand hopefully.

"Or action figures," she glared.

Sheen looked defeated, but after a moment's thought he suddenly brightened and raised his hand again.

"Or dolls!" squawked Miss Fowl. "This has to be about a real pet that you have now or that you used to have. Nothing artificial or imaginary." She looked pointedly at Sheen. "Or delusional," she added.

"Too bad, Neutron," said Cindy in a tone that sounded like she didn't think it was bad at all.

"What's too bad?" Jimmy replied, genuinely puzzled.

Cindy sounded as though she were pointing out the obvious. "That you don't have a real pet, like Humphrey."

"What do you mean, I don't have a real pet?" demanded Jimmy. "Goddard is real, and he's a pet. What else would you call him?"

"Well, I'd call it - let's see now, what's the word?" Cindy squinted in mock concentration and then delivered the punch line. "Oh, right. A machine!"

Jimmy looked aghast. "He's not a machine. He's my dog!"

"I have to go with Cindy on this one," put in Libby. "I mean, Goddard is cool and all, and he's got a jamming sound system, but he's not really a pet like a real dog."

"He is so a pet!"

"He's an accessory!" countered Cindy.

"He is not," Jimmy objected. "He's not just some handy tool I keep around. Although he does come in handy."

"Oh, right," Cindy sneered. "In that case, why don't you write your report on some of your other pets as well? Like your watch, your lab computer, your nuclear reactor –"

That did it. "It's not the same thing!" he nearly shouted. "Goddard is state-of-the-art, with a heuristically-enhanced artificial intelligence neural network –"

"I rest my case," yawned Cindy. "Unlike Goddard, my pet Humphrey is an AKC-registered purebred Lhasa Smartso and universally acknowledged to be a real dog."

Jimmy gritted his teeth. "I'll bet," he challenged, "that you can't come up with any real difference between Goddard and Humphrey being pets."

Cindy looked thoughtful. "You know, Libs, Nerd-tron might actually have a point here about Humphrey and Goddard."

"How's that, Cindy?" asked Libby, playing along while Jimmy waited for the bomb to drop.

"Well, they both play dead…"

"Except that Humphrey doesn't leave a crater behind," Libby observed.

"And they can both roll over…" Cindy went on.

"Although Humphrey's body rolls over when his head does," deadpanned Libby.

"Oh, wait! There is a difference, Libby," said Cindy brightly.

"And what's that, Cindy?"

"Well, Humphrey has pedigree papers…"

"And Goddard?" Libby prompted.

"Goddard has a warranty registration card!" concluded Cindy, bursting out in laughter with Libby.

"Oh, yuck it up, she of little faith," Jimmy grumped. "Goddard is a real dog, no matter what you say."

"Actually, Jimmy, I think it's what Miss Fowl says that matters," observed Carl.

"Good point, Wheezer," said Cindy. "Oh, Miss Fowl! Can we have a ruling on whether Jimmy's robot Goddard qualifies as a pet for this assignment?"

Miss Fowl looked uncomfortable for what seemed the millionth time since Jimmy and Cindy had come into her classroom. She cleared her throat. "Well, Jimmy," she said at last, "While I can understand how…er…attached you must be to Goddard…"

"Probably with rivet," muttered Cindy under her breath, causing Jimmy to scowl.

"…I have to agree that Goddard isn't really a dog or even a pet. To be a pet there has to be a relationship with the owner and you can't form that kind of relationship with a machine."

"But – " Jimmy started.

"I'm sorry Jimmy," Miss Fowl said firmly. "You'll have to find some other pet to write about."

As Jimmy slumped miserably in his chair Carl leaned over. "Hey, Jimmy," he whispered. "Did you want to borrow Swimmy for your report? I can write about Mr. Wuggles instead."

"No thanks, Carl," Jimmy answered dismally. "I can always find another pet to write about. But it won't be the same as Goddard."

"I'll take Swimmy," said Sheen. "Somehow I don't think that Miss Fowl will accept my Punching Plant as a pet and I don't think I have time to grow another one before next Friday."

Jimmy sat bolt upright. "That's it!" he exclaimed.

"What's it?" Sheen asked, startled.

"Grow another pet! Sheen! You're a genius!"

"I am?" Sheen sounded confused.

"Yes!" Jimmy went on excitedly. "Since no one will accept Goddard as a real pet, I'll make a real pet instead!"

Carl looked worried. "Is that a good idea, Jimmy?" he asked. "Remember the nanobots and the nanochip and Brobot and –"

Jimmy smiled reassuringly. "Relax, Carl. This time, I'm sure that nothing can go wrong."

End of Part 1.