(ELIZABETH is reading in bed.)
MAID: You've had a hard day. You were threatened by a pirate.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
MAID: Also Commander Norrington proposed.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
MAID: You should make babies with Will.
ELIZABETH: What?
MAID: Sorry. 'Night.
(Pathetic fallacy is used big time here. The candlelight by which Elizabeth is reading goes out. Mist falls over the land. It looks really dark and scary. A big scary ship lands in Port Royale. There's a lot of cannon fire.)
****
THE JAIL JACK: I know those canons! Don't ask me how because all canons sound the same, but I know them anyway!
OTHER PRISONERS: Is that The Black Pearl?
JACK: Maybe, maybe not. Like I'd tell you.
OTHER PRISONERS: I hear stories. The Black Pearl takes no survivors.
JACK: No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?
OTHER PRISONERS: Oh. Good point.
(The crew members land and rush up on shore, waving weapons around like crazy people.)
****
PORT ROYALE (People are going crazy. A battle ensues.)
(WILL comes out, hoping to save the day.)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, it's hard to make really bad jokes about a brawl, so I'm going to do my best to summarize it for you.
BAD GUYS: Grrr!
GOOD GUYS: Aaauuggh!
BAD GUYS: I'm going to hurt all of you!
(WILL almost gets knocked out but doesn't.)
BAD GUYS: Grrr!
(WILL gets knocked out by a bottle.)
SCREAMING FANGIRL #1: Oh, no! The poor guy! (cries in despair, and has to be escorted from the theater.)
****
MEANWHILE, AT THE GOVERNOR'S HOUSE (Knocking noises are heard.)
ELIZABETH: Oh, no!
MAID: I think they're going to kidnap you! Pirates!
ELIZABETH: Run away!
MAID: Okay!
(A chase scene, involving a frying pan, hot coals, and swords that are all part of a decoration, ensues. Of course, the pirates find her.)
ELIZABETH: Erm, parley! You can't touch me until I talk to the captain. (blows a raspberry.)
EVIL PIRATE 1: Oh, you'll come with us. (blows a raspberry right back.)
**** THE BLACK PEARL (CAPTAIN BARBOSSA and his PSYCHOTIC MONKEY are waiting. The crew members take ELIZABETH to him. He sees the medallion on ELIZABETH and pretends he's not interested. During a battle of wills between him and ELIZABETH, she discovers it's really interesting to him.)
BARBOSSA: Do you have a name?
ELIZABETH: It's Elizabeth... Turner. I'm a maid in the governor's household.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Now that's a crappy thing to do.
BARBOSSA: Let's take her with us.
ELIZABETH: Oh, no!
****
PORT ROYALE, NEXT DAY: (WILL wakes up and decides to get help. He finds NORRINGTON.)
WILL: We need to find Elizabeth. Right now.
NORRINGTON: No, we don't.
WILL: Yes, we do.
NORRINGTON: No, we really don't. Good-bye.
(WILL is escorted away, and he goes to the jail.)
****
JAIL:
(WILL finds JACK.)
WILL: Hi. Where does The Black Pearl make berth?
JACK: The jokes I could make about that. Actually, it's called the Isle de Muerta.
WILL: Oh. Well, let me get you out of here. I need you to help me find Elizabeth.
JACK: Okay.
(Pops JACK out of jail. JACK gets his stuff and they run away.)
****
DOCK:
JACK: Will you do anything for this girl?
WILL: I'd die for her.
JACK: Good, 'cause I wouldn't.
(They creep underneath a canoe and walk to the ship, undetected.
****
DAUNTLESS:
JACK: Stay calm, we're taking over this ship!
WILL: Aye, avass!
(Laughter by soldiers on the Dauntless.)
(The author has no idea what WILL means. Her sister informs her that it makes sense in this context. Really.)
(And then there's a lot of swinging and going back and forth and soldiers and sailors in the water. Her sister also informs the author that JACK and WILL steal The Interceptor. ['scyuze us, commandeer. Commandeer. Nautical term])
They sail away.
**** TBC...
MAID: You've had a hard day. You were threatened by a pirate.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
MAID: Also Commander Norrington proposed.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
MAID: You should make babies with Will.
ELIZABETH: What?
MAID: Sorry. 'Night.
(Pathetic fallacy is used big time here. The candlelight by which Elizabeth is reading goes out. Mist falls over the land. It looks really dark and scary. A big scary ship lands in Port Royale. There's a lot of cannon fire.)
****
THE JAIL JACK: I know those canons! Don't ask me how because all canons sound the same, but I know them anyway!
OTHER PRISONERS: Is that The Black Pearl?
JACK: Maybe, maybe not. Like I'd tell you.
OTHER PRISONERS: I hear stories. The Black Pearl takes no survivors.
JACK: No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?
OTHER PRISONERS: Oh. Good point.
(The crew members land and rush up on shore, waving weapons around like crazy people.)
****
PORT ROYALE (People are going crazy. A battle ensues.)
(WILL comes out, hoping to save the day.)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, it's hard to make really bad jokes about a brawl, so I'm going to do my best to summarize it for you.
BAD GUYS: Grrr!
GOOD GUYS: Aaauuggh!
BAD GUYS: I'm going to hurt all of you!
(WILL almost gets knocked out but doesn't.)
BAD GUYS: Grrr!
(WILL gets knocked out by a bottle.)
SCREAMING FANGIRL #1: Oh, no! The poor guy! (cries in despair, and has to be escorted from the theater.)
****
MEANWHILE, AT THE GOVERNOR'S HOUSE (Knocking noises are heard.)
ELIZABETH: Oh, no!
MAID: I think they're going to kidnap you! Pirates!
ELIZABETH: Run away!
MAID: Okay!
(A chase scene, involving a frying pan, hot coals, and swords that are all part of a decoration, ensues. Of course, the pirates find her.)
ELIZABETH: Erm, parley! You can't touch me until I talk to the captain. (blows a raspberry.)
EVIL PIRATE 1: Oh, you'll come with us. (blows a raspberry right back.)
**** THE BLACK PEARL (CAPTAIN BARBOSSA and his PSYCHOTIC MONKEY are waiting. The crew members take ELIZABETH to him. He sees the medallion on ELIZABETH and pretends he's not interested. During a battle of wills between him and ELIZABETH, she discovers it's really interesting to him.)
BARBOSSA: Do you have a name?
ELIZABETH: It's Elizabeth... Turner. I'm a maid in the governor's household.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Now that's a crappy thing to do.
BARBOSSA: Let's take her with us.
ELIZABETH: Oh, no!
****
PORT ROYALE, NEXT DAY: (WILL wakes up and decides to get help. He finds NORRINGTON.)
WILL: We need to find Elizabeth. Right now.
NORRINGTON: No, we don't.
WILL: Yes, we do.
NORRINGTON: No, we really don't. Good-bye.
(WILL is escorted away, and he goes to the jail.)
****
JAIL:
(WILL finds JACK.)
WILL: Hi. Where does The Black Pearl make berth?
JACK: The jokes I could make about that. Actually, it's called the Isle de Muerta.
WILL: Oh. Well, let me get you out of here. I need you to help me find Elizabeth.
JACK: Okay.
(Pops JACK out of jail. JACK gets his stuff and they run away.)
****
DOCK:
JACK: Will you do anything for this girl?
WILL: I'd die for her.
JACK: Good, 'cause I wouldn't.
(They creep underneath a canoe and walk to the ship, undetected.
****
DAUNTLESS:
JACK: Stay calm, we're taking over this ship!
WILL: Aye, avass!
(Laughter by soldiers on the Dauntless.)
(The author has no idea what WILL means. Her sister informs her that it makes sense in this context. Really.)
(And then there's a lot of swinging and going back and forth and soldiers and sailors in the water. Her sister also informs the author that JACK and WILL steal The Interceptor. ['scyuze us, commandeer. Commandeer. Nautical term])
They sail away.
**** TBC...