Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The series is owned by JK Rowling. I don't know who owns Dora the Explorer, but, suffice to say, it isn't me.
Author's Notes: This is what happens when you have to baby-sit preschoolers too often. The Dora the Explorer characters are probably going to slip OOC at times. It's on purpose. If any of the Spanish is wrong, sorry. I used an online translator. BTW, I can't write Hagrid's accent well…
Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually)It was a bright, sunny afternoon, since this is Dora's world and every day is a bright, sunny day, except when the "plot" of the episode means it has to rain or snow. Dora was in London with her Mami, Papi, and Abuela for no other reason than I had to get her there somehow. This is about Dora. Plot is virtually meaningless.
For good measure, Boots the Monkey, Dora's best friend, despite being a monkey, and, by all appearances, naked except for a pair of red boots, was there, too. Of course, she had her Backpack, who sounds quite masculine for a female, and with Backpack was, as always, the Map.
I could make some comment about the Map and Backpack that would make most people cringe, but as this is based on a children's television series, I'll hold my tongue. This time.
Dora stood in a conveniently placed field. I don't know where the field was. It probably magically appeared somehow by the magic of Dora. This is Dora. She apparently lives in a Central American country, or possibly Mexico, but is still within walking distance of the North Pole. Dora's super special in every way.
"Hola! Soy Dora!" Dora speaks that way, facing out to an invisible person she expects to react to her. It's the same thing as Blue's Clues. It's in order to get the children to interact. From the author's experience, it doesn't work very well.
"And I'm Boots the Monkey!" The naked, red boot wearing monkey flipped out of a conveniently placed tree (this is Dora's world. If she needs a tree, a tree will appear) and landed next to Dora. Boots is Dora's best friend. As stated before, he's a naked monkey. I probably shouldn't spend too much time discussing that, though. They both have a way of speaking with exclamation points. I'll attempt not to abuse them too much.
Nearby, an owl called them. "Dora! Boots!" This is Dora. Animals can speak to her, unless it's essential to the plot or Diego's around. Or both. Since Diego's not here, I'm going to assume the owl can talk. Gee, isn't Dora great?
"Did you hear that?" Dora looked around everywhere but at the direction of the owl. "Who's calling us?" There was a pause. Here's where your children are supposed to answer her. Since my niece just seems to stare into space unless my mother or I answer for her, the pause might be quite quiet. "The owl?"
"Yeah!" Boots turned around to face the owl in another conveniently placed tree. "Dora, there's an owl calling us."
At this point, the adults in the audience might wonder why there's an owl out during the day, but this is Dora (and Harry Potter). One doesn't worry about the behavior of nocturnal animals when it comes to Dora.
"Hi, owl!" Boots continued.
"Hola, buho!" Dora added.
"Dora, Boots, I have a letter for you!" The owl also has a problem with using exclamation points. This is Dora. Everyone is quite excitable. Compared to the rest of the cast, Dora comes across as quite sane.
"But this isn't Blue's Clues…" Dora frowned and she looked puzzled. "We don't usually get mail."
"Will you just take the letter? I have to head to another 'Mary Sue can't get her letters' fanfic in about five minutes."
"Oh, all right." Dora grabbed the two envelopes, gazing in adoration at the thick parchment.
"Who's it from, Boots?" she asked Boots when she handed him the one with his name written on green ink.
"I don't know, Dora!" Boots fiddled with his envelope as well. "All these exclamation points are going to make me lose my voice," he added in an undertone.
Several members of the audience stared at the screen in adoration. The adults with them sighed, heavily. "The suspense is killing us," they said with heavy sarcasm in their voices.
A smart-assed, know-it-all pointed to the title. "It's called Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter. Gee… Maybe it's from Hogwarts?"
Finally, the two on the screen opened the envelopes.
"Dear Dora the Explorer (and Boots the Monkey),
"For plot reasons, and your being in London anyway, we're pleased to offer you a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find the enclosed school list. Since anyone reading this is probably familiar with the list, and because the author is insanely lazy when it comes to these things, it won't be read out loud. Thank you.
"Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress."
"Dora, what's Hogwarts?" Boots asked, the excited, nervous voice coming to his voice. This was usually a clear sign that soon someone would be singing.
"I don't know, Boots!"
At this point, the smart-assed, know-it-all, broke in with "It's a school for witchcraft and wizardry. You just read it in the bloody letter!" The smart-assed, know-it-all decided that if he or she was going to continue to read this crap, she or he had better stock up on painkillers.
"But, despite the fact I didn't actually read it in the letter, we've got to Diagon Alley to buy our school things."
"But Dora, how do we get to Diagon Alley?" Boots asked. The adults in the audience groaned in response, knowing that, soon, they'd be hearing the song that would get stuck in their head for the rest of the day.
"Let's stop and think." Dora looked thoughtful, and she turned to the invisible person in front of the screen. "Who do we ask for help when we don't know where to go?" There's another pause. "The Map. Right. Can you check the Map for me? You have to say 'Map'!"
Just in case you couldn't tell by the repetition of the word, that's the Map that's the answer to Dora's question.
After a moment, Boots and Dora said, "Louder!"
At this, the Map started singing. "If there's a place you gotta go, I'm the one you need to know. I'm the Map! I'm the Map, I'm the Map! If there's a place you gotta get, I can get you there, I bet. I'm the Map! I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map. I'm the Map!"
The adults in the audience began pondering suicide, if only to get that stupid song out of their heads and they don't find themselves singing it to themselves at embarrassing moments.
The Map continued talked. "Dora and Boots need to get to Diagon Alley. Well, I know how to get to Diagon Alley. First you have to cross the Mermaid's Pond, then you have to go to the Leaky Cauldron pub, and that's how you'll get to Diagon Alley. So you tell Dora: Pond, pub, Alley. Say it with me: Pond, pub, alley. Pond, pub, alley. Pond, pub, alley. Pond, pub, alley!"
"How do we get to Diagon Alley?" Again, Dora paused. She always pauses after every question pretty much. "Pond, pub, alley. First we have to cross the Mermaid's Pond, then we go to the Leaky Cauldron pub and that's how we get to Diagon Alley.
"Where do we go first?" At this, the smart-assed, know-it-all contemplated buying a gun just to end his or her misery. Dora ignored it, though. "The pond, right. Mermaid's Pond. Do you see Mermaid's Pond?"
After a moment, a giant arrow floated across the area and pointed to a crystal blue pond a bit away from them. "Yeah! There it is!"
They raced to Mermaid's Pond. Usually, Dora would start singing at this point, but the author, either to spare her audience or because she's insanely lazy, decided against it. Finally, they stood at the shore of the clear blue pond (because, in Dora's world, there is no pollution).
"We made it to Mermaid's Pond!" Dora exclaimed, staring at the water.
"But, Dora, I don't see any mermaids!" Boots added, and the author wondered, exactly, what kind of monkey Boots was if he wanted to see them.
"I know, Boots. Where are the mermaids?" Dora, again, looked towards the invisible person. "If you see any mermaids, yell out 'Mermaid!'" After a brief pause, during which a too beautiful to be true mermaid (this is Dora's world… there are no ugly people in it) splashed through the water. "You see a mermaid? Where?"
Again, that blue arrow pointed at the pink fin of the mermaid that Dora and Boots remained hopelessly oblivious too. The smart-assed, know-it-all began constructing a noose out of rope. The mermaid waved at the invisible person.
"Yeah, there she is!" Boots waved at the mermaid who, despite appearances in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire to the contrary, was beautiful and friendly. This is Dora's world. Even Draco Malfoy will be nice. He'd have to be. In Dora's world, no one is ugly or mean. "Mermaid, can you give us a ride across the pond?"
"¿Como? En español, por favor?"
"The mermaid speaks Spanish!" Dora exclaimed.
The smart-assed, know-it-all stared at the screen in disgust. "A mermaid in London speaks Spanish?" He or she finished making his noose and wondered how well it would stay attached to the hanging lamps.
"Well, I speak Spanish!" Dora added with more glee than should be allowed. "¿Mermaid, puede usted darnos un paseo a través de la charca?"
"Si! Con mucho gusto!"
"'Con mucho gusto?' Isn't that Tico's catchphrase?" Boots asked in an undertone.
"Quiet, Boots. We've already torn the fourth wall into a billion pieces!"
Dora and Boots gathered together two sets of water-skis that just happened to be there, (his is Dora's world after all) and two life jackets "so we can be safe". They found some rope in her backpack, the author, feeling strangely merciful decided to forgo having Backpack sing her song, and they hooked them up to the mermaid. The most serious canon thumpers in the audience now stabbed their television screen with rusty sporks, screaming "Canon rape!" as everyone knows mermaids aren't the nicest creatures in the Harry Potter books.
They landed on the other side of Mermaid's Pond with the mariachi trio playing their excited song. The author realizes that this is only a twenty-two minute program, so she hurries up. After a quick "gracias" to the mermaid, Boots and Dora begin their search for the Leaky Cauldron.
"If you see the pub, say 'pub'." Of course, the author knows that Dora will not shut up for any power beyond God's. That beautiful blue arrow points at the dingy pub between the bookstore and the record store. "Yeah! There's the pub."
The two of them raced towards the pub, and no one seemed to care that two preadolescents, one being a monkey, entered, or that, as soon as they entered the door, the mariachi trio played their music. Rather, no one seemed to care about their presence at all, except for a man who looked too big to be real. But he was still attractive, since this is Dora's world. There are no ugly people in Dora's world.
"Firs' years at 'Ogwarts, are yeh?" He asked, looking at the pair of them, ignoring the fact that not only was Boots a monkey, he was also naked.
"Er… what?" Boots asked. "Dora, what language is he speaking?"
"Yeh can't understand English, can yeh?" The man asked.
"That's not English!" Dora exclaimed.
"Sure, it is! Yeh just are used to it, are yeh? Tell yeh what; I'll 'elp yeh get to Diagon Alley. Come wit' me."
"I don't know. I'm not supposed to speak to strangers." Dora's eyes opened owlishly, which was quite a feat as her eyes are huge to begin with.
The adults in the audience boggle at this proclamation. "What are you talking about? You speak to strangers all the time! There's no one in the world you won't talk to! You talked to an owl at the beginning of this!"
"But – " Dora looked shocked at the reaction from the adults in the audience. "They speak English or Spanish clearly. He… doesn't!"
"Dora, let's just get this over with!" Boots exclaimed. He exclaims a lot. In case that wasn't completely obvious. "The author wants to hurry up with this!"
"Oh, well, all right." She looked up at the huge, but still strangely attractive, man. "You can help us get into Diagon Alley?"
"Right this way." He led them to a brick wall, and Dora and Boots exchanged worried glances, until he tapped his umbrellas at the bricks. "This… is Diagon Alley," he said, as they opened up, revealing the street.
"Yay!" Dora shouted. "We made it to Diagon Alley! We did it!"
And they sang. Because that's what Dora and Boots do at the end of every episode. And the adults in the audience sang because the episode was over, at least for half an hour. And the smart-ass, know-it-all, well, he or she sang because she or he managed to get through the episode without killing himself or herself.
And the author. Well, after feeling her I.Q. drop twenty points just by writing this chapter, decided to kill a few more brain cells by getting drunk.