Disclaimer: Still not mine. If I ever own any piece of this, I'll let you know, all right?
Chapter Two of Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually)
The Author (capitalized for no reason other than that's her new title in this world) paced on the set of Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually), which, for no apparent reason, was at the Leaky Cauldron. She wondered if she were going out of her way to use those seven words and single set of parentheses over and over again for no reason. The Author likes parentheses. She also likes ellipses…
Anyway, she was at the set waiting for the Harry Potter part of her cast of out of character, erm, characters to show up. So far, only Ron Weasley was there, and he looked more than a little embarrassed by this fact.
"It's because I'm forgettable despite being the hero's best friend," he'd moaned, more than once, which caused the Author to get strange, twitchy feelings in the back of her head.
"At least you're not Peter Pettigrew. Most fanfic authors pretend he doesn't exist. Despite, you know, the fact that there'd be no story without him."
The Author was not one known for patience. "Where is everyone?" she asked, rubbing at her temples from the massive hangover she had from getting drunk the night before. "Where's Harry?"
"He and Hermione – "
"Never mind," the Author interrupted. She didn't really want to hear about their fluff fics at this point. "Draco?" Again, the Author didn't need to hear about it, because the dark look that had entered Ron's eyes and the way his jaw tightened was answer enough. "Dare I ask, Remus?"
"He had a slash fic with Sirius."
The Author's eyes widened at that answer. "Sirius is dead."
"It doesn't stop the fanfic writers," a raspy voice said from behind her, and she turned around to face the werewolf. "And you could be a bit more sensitive."
"I don't have time to be sensitive. I'm still waiting for the rest of my bloody cast!" With that, the Author picked up a purple felt tip pen that had run out of ink, and she tossed it in the general direction of the bar. It didn't land, and, instead, hit an evil looking wizard in the back of the head.
Ten minutes later, with a pained expression on her face, the Author managed to get the pen out of her nose. By this time, the rest of the cast had shown up, but, in her mind, they were horribly unprepared for their day on the set.
"Hair! Wardrobe! Let's go!" The Author liked being in charge. "Hermione's clearly had a makeover and not a very good one…" The Author cringed at the sight of the young witch's hair that had been dyed bright red at the tips.
"Who thought that was a good idea?" The Author rounded on the rest of the cast as Hermione shuffled out. "Draco, get out of those leather trousers. And Ginny, what the hell are you wearing?" She made a vague gesture at Ginny's fishnets and short skirt. "Remus, Ron, you look all right, I guess. But Harry looks like a member of N'Sync. Come on, let's go. We haven't got all night! Move it, people."
The Author sat down at the table, her hands scribbling on a notebook in dark blue ink, as the purple pen had run out, and she threw the pen down. "Where's our bloody Mary Sue?"
"You mean Dora?" Ron looked owlishly at her. The Author likes using that description. "You left her at the entrance to Diagon Alley."
"No, a different Mary Sue. She was beautiful, smarter than Hermione, had a tragic past, was related to several canon characters, and in love with Remus." The mentioned man looked at her with surprise, and the Author rounded on him. "I'm not a slash fan, okay?"
"It's your story," he replied, sheepishly.
The Author sighed, heavily, and she glanced at her watch. "I guess I'm going to have to do it, then."
Ron's jaw dropped. The Author ran over to him, and she removed it off the floor. With his mouth together again, he swallowed, hard, and stared at her. She had shoulder length, strawberry blonde hair, wide blue eyes and pale skin that often had acne. Her body wasn't perfect, by any sense of the term, and she sometimes wore a pair of awful, huge glasses, when she wasn't wearing her contact lenses, that were bent out of shape and the left hand lens kept popping out of. Finally, her clothes were normal, a heavy, navy blue sweatshirt, blue jeans and a pair of trainers.
"You can't be a Mary Sue!" Ron exclaimed, stating the obvious. "You're too… average."
The Author glared at him in a way that would terrify, well, no one really. A puppy maybe. "Watch me," she declared and, with that, she walked towards the wardrobe department.
Remus rubbed his tired looking eyes. "It's going to be a bloody self-insert now?"
Meanwhile, back to Dora:
As Ron had said, Dora and Boots were still at the entrance to Diagon Alley. As no one had told them what to do from there, they just stood there waiting for instructions. Several times, annoyed looking witches and wizards passed them.
Finally, Boots looked at Dora. "What should we do?"
"I don't know, Boots, but I guess we're supposed to buy school supplies."
"This is bullshit." At that moment, Boots mouth was covered with duct tape until such a time he would get over the punishment of swearing in a children's television series. Dora didn't seem to notice.
"We're supposed to buy robes, books and a wand. And lots of other things, but the author's lazy."
Boots muttered something behind the duct tape, and Dora nodded. "I'll keep that in mind," she replied. How she understood Boots, with the tape over his mouth, was beyond everyone, but this is Dora, and she's super special. "I guess we should check the Map, huh?"
It just goes to show you how tired everyone was of being in this crossover, as the poor girl couldn't even muster the strength to show interest in checking the Map. The Map, also, seemed to be uninterested in his current existence as he spat out directions to three stores on Diagon Alley and went back to sleep, or whatever the Map does when he's not giving directions. Dora's world was being turned upside apparently, which is a side effect of Crossovers that Should Never Have Been Made and the fact that a self insert Mary Sue was going to appear soon only made things worse. There was only one cure to CTSNHBM, and that was, well, you'll find out soon enough. Remember the rating, though. This isn't a kid's story.
They made it Madame Malik's, where they bought robes, with Boots silently protesting the entire time. Finally, someone, a minion of the Author most likely, removed the duct tape, along with several strands of hair from his face. He screamed for a bit, much to the pleasure of the minions of the Author. The Author was busy. She was preparing herself for her self-insert debut, although, knowing the Author as well as I do, and I'd say that's pretty well, her appearance wasn't going to be anything like her. I guess we'll have to find out later, though.
Somehow, Dora had gold. Harry Potter type money. Backpack has everything she needs, but the inanimate object seemed more interested in scoring some drugs than giving up the items in her. This, the Author just realized, was kind of gross. It'd be like someone reaching inside a person and digging out items from their abdominal cavity. Anyway, afterwards, she got the rest of her books at Flourish and Blott's. And she got her wand. Since the Author is feeling brain-dead, she isn't going to tell you what kind. For all intents and purposes, her wand is a twig she picked up off the ground. Yeah, that's good. It's just a bloody twig. But don't tell Dora that.
"We did it!" Dora shouted, a bit of enthusiasm returning to her voice, but Boots was still sulking and rubbing his hands over where the duct tape had been. They sang, again, less half-heartedly than before. The audience members were all really puzzled by this sudden change in their heroine. And the smart-assed, know-it-all had class in the morning so he or she couldn't watch the show. Not that there was anything in it that would really need commenting in.
Back at the Leaky Cauldron:
The Harry Potter canon characters were all talking amongst themselves in soft tones. Remus, especially, seemed a bit strained as the fact that not only was there a Mary Sue, it was a self-insert, and the Author was a Lupin fangirl made him worry uncontrollably. She was taking too long. The canon characters had been waiting for her for awhile, and they didn't know what they could do without her. This was another reason why Remus worried. If the Author wasn't careful, her minions might have to take over the story. Mary Sues were often… vapid, despite their insistence that they were smart.
He looked at the ellipses in the previous sentence, and he sighed with relief. Ellipses were a good sign, coming from this particularly Author.
The door to the Leaky Cauldron opened, and a stunning woman walked in. Soft, shoulder length waves of raven hair framed a fair face. Large, dark blue eyes peered out at each of the canon characters, and a small, amused smile came to her Cupid's bow lips. Her long fingers smoothed out an invisible wrinkle in her short, pleated black skirt, and she joined the group. Her eyes found Ron's, who was staring at her with either awe or surprise.
"I told you I could do it," she said, in her clearly American voice, despite her constant use of British terms for swearing. His eyes widened even more so that they looked like saucers in the middle of his face. "All right, just call me Rhianna Dark."
"Er…" Harry looked at her in surprise. "Your penname has it as one word."
The Author, I mean, Rhianna, turned to him. "Do you really want to have to keep saying 'RhiannaDark' all the time? I'm breaking it up to save you guys trouble."
They accepted this, as they really had no choice in the matter, and they began discussing the plot of this story. Although, the Author, I mean, Rhianna, had to remind them that this involves Dora the Explorer and plot is virtually meaningless. Considering there was a self-insert Mary Sue made it so plot was even less involved, and Rhianna knew she just had to hold out until either the climax of the story, or until the Author's minions decided it was best to just abandon this story.
At that thought, the Author, I mean, Rhianna, looked in surprise at the screen, and she scrambled for a notebook. "You asses can't leave me in here, damn it!"
The Author's minions, who had a poor sense of humor, laughed at her predicament. "You've ignored us too long. We're taking over now."