The morning light flickered across the room between the shades
and Speedle's eyes tried to focus. He lazily studied the body asleep
beside him, with an expression so candid and genuinely relaxed. Speed
frowned trying to hold onto the moment before his mind began to process
things and ultimately ruin the flawlessness of everything. He closed
his eyes again. What he would give to just stay here forever, with
Horatio. His boss, Horatio. His formerly straight boss.
Suddenly it became exceedingly difficult to swallow. As much as Tim was
enjoying his current situation with a man whom he'd adored from a far
for much too long, he hated being that guy someone experiments with.
That guy never exists beyond that one night, he'd learned that first
hand. It was never a good thing to be a straight man's first 'guy'.
When Tim opened his eyes again several minutes had passed, and his
stomach fought a losing battle to his building nervous tension. He
didn't want to be here to see Horatio wake up, and the regret consume
him. Slipping out of the covers he jumped into the nearest pair of
jeans he could find being careful not to wake the man in his bed. Each
tooth the zipper fly passed sounded like the violent stroke of a
typewriter against the glassy silence of room. Turning to find a shirt
Tim stopped a moment and the though of how things at work would be
between them, when Horatio woke to wish they'd never done this. He
didn't think he could take being someone H could never look in the eye.
Tim's search for his clothes became more desperate as his need to get
away from the mess he'd created grew. A quiet morning murmur broke the
silence, and Tim felt indescribably uneasy being so terrified by such
subtlety inviting noise.
"You can go." The words seemed to leave Tim's mouth before his mind thought them up. Horatio rubbed his eyes, not quite certain that Tim had actually said something. Tim made sure he looked extremely busy as he continued his search for a clean damn shirt, but he could feel H looking at him. Horatio finally spoke.
"What?" But Tim didn't answer, "Do you want me to--" Horatio began again but Tim cracked.
"I know this is awkward and you wanna get the hell outta this whole situation and probably never think of it again, but you don't wanna be rude about it or whatever, well its ok I get it. We fooled around, now your experimenting is over and we're done here." Tim spoke without a breath or a pause. His speech fueled by nerves, maybe a little anger but mostly a panicked attempt at some sort of 'hurt-him-first-and-he-can't-hurt-me' defense. Fuck the shirt, Tim thought, I've gotta end this conversation, and get outta here.
"Experiment? Tim, wait a minute." He heard the words from Horatio but didn't acknowledge them as he made a quick escape from the bed room, forgetting the need for the rest of his clothes.
Speed scanned the apartment looking for something he could busy himself with, thinking how much easier it would be to escape if it was Horatio's place instead. H was standing at the other end of the kitchen looking right at him. In his mind Tim could picture just how he was standing and the look that was no doubt all over his face.
"What makes you think—", Horatio began in his intensely calm voice.
"Please," Tim growled, "Don't sugar coat this. That's not how it works now. You wake up, remember what we did then go home and we spend the rest of our lives pretending it never happened."
Horatio's expression sharpened as his distaste for the conversation grew. Each word seemed nothing short of an insult to everything he felt for the man he'd spent the night with. His still silence made Tim nervous enough to glance away from making coffee. Catching a glimpse of Horatio, Speed realized he'd been followed from the bed room so quickly H didn't bother to dress. Instead he wore a bed sheet around his waist, held up by no more than the material gathered in his fist. As much as Tim wanted to get a good look at Horatio in only the thin bedding, he found himself ensnared by those eyes with that look that could kill a man. That look belonged to Horatio, and it forced Tim to meet his lieutenant's gaze.
"Is that what you want?" H's stony voice matched his severe stare, and Tim couldn't answer, nor did he notice that he was gradually being backed into the fridge. "If you can stand here and tell me, that ending this here and now is the way you want it, then I'll do that. For you, I would do that... What I think is that you're scared. But I don't know what it is you're so scared of." Tim gritted his teeth feeling the cold surface of the fridge against his bare skin. Horatio paused, and Tim wondered if an answer was expected of him or if he should just shut up and listen. Getting no response, H went on. "If I take off, and we forget all this, then everything goes back to the way it was and you don't have to deal with how life is gonna change again. That would be the easy way out, right? If we both just agreed I was experimenting." Horatio backed off slightly with a sigh. "Tim," he said, his sweeter voice having returned. "I'm in my forties. I've done all my experimenting." Horatio's free hand came to rest on Speed's side, moving in on him. Tim swallowed hard. He could feel the warmth of H's body from head to toe and their lips had become agonizingly close. Nose to nose, H whispered, "I'll leave if you really want me to." Horatio cautiously closed any gap between them as his mouth eased onto Tim's. "But I certainly don't want to leave." Tim savored the feel of warm breath on his lips when Horatio whispered. "I want to have breakfast with you."
"You can go." The words seemed to leave Tim's mouth before his mind thought them up. Horatio rubbed his eyes, not quite certain that Tim had actually said something. Tim made sure he looked extremely busy as he continued his search for a clean damn shirt, but he could feel H looking at him. Horatio finally spoke.
"What?" But Tim didn't answer, "Do you want me to--" Horatio began again but Tim cracked.
"I know this is awkward and you wanna get the hell outta this whole situation and probably never think of it again, but you don't wanna be rude about it or whatever, well its ok I get it. We fooled around, now your experimenting is over and we're done here." Tim spoke without a breath or a pause. His speech fueled by nerves, maybe a little anger but mostly a panicked attempt at some sort of 'hurt-him-first-and-he-can't-hurt-me' defense. Fuck the shirt, Tim thought, I've gotta end this conversation, and get outta here.
"Experiment? Tim, wait a minute." He heard the words from Horatio but didn't acknowledge them as he made a quick escape from the bed room, forgetting the need for the rest of his clothes.
Speed scanned the apartment looking for something he could busy himself with, thinking how much easier it would be to escape if it was Horatio's place instead. H was standing at the other end of the kitchen looking right at him. In his mind Tim could picture just how he was standing and the look that was no doubt all over his face.
"What makes you think—", Horatio began in his intensely calm voice.
"Please," Tim growled, "Don't sugar coat this. That's not how it works now. You wake up, remember what we did then go home and we spend the rest of our lives pretending it never happened."
Horatio's expression sharpened as his distaste for the conversation grew. Each word seemed nothing short of an insult to everything he felt for the man he'd spent the night with. His still silence made Tim nervous enough to glance away from making coffee. Catching a glimpse of Horatio, Speed realized he'd been followed from the bed room so quickly H didn't bother to dress. Instead he wore a bed sheet around his waist, held up by no more than the material gathered in his fist. As much as Tim wanted to get a good look at Horatio in only the thin bedding, he found himself ensnared by those eyes with that look that could kill a man. That look belonged to Horatio, and it forced Tim to meet his lieutenant's gaze.
"Is that what you want?" H's stony voice matched his severe stare, and Tim couldn't answer, nor did he notice that he was gradually being backed into the fridge. "If you can stand here and tell me, that ending this here and now is the way you want it, then I'll do that. For you, I would do that... What I think is that you're scared. But I don't know what it is you're so scared of." Tim gritted his teeth feeling the cold surface of the fridge against his bare skin. Horatio paused, and Tim wondered if an answer was expected of him or if he should just shut up and listen. Getting no response, H went on. "If I take off, and we forget all this, then everything goes back to the way it was and you don't have to deal with how life is gonna change again. That would be the easy way out, right? If we both just agreed I was experimenting." Horatio backed off slightly with a sigh. "Tim," he said, his sweeter voice having returned. "I'm in my forties. I've done all my experimenting." Horatio's free hand came to rest on Speed's side, moving in on him. Tim swallowed hard. He could feel the warmth of H's body from head to toe and their lips had become agonizingly close. Nose to nose, H whispered, "I'll leave if you really want me to." Horatio cautiously closed any gap between them as his mouth eased onto Tim's. "But I certainly don't want to leave." Tim savored the feel of warm breath on his lips when Horatio whispered. "I want to have breakfast with you."