Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Well, that's not true. I've got this can of soda (pop) here, but I doubt that's what is meant. I don't own the "canon" characters, and, technically, two of the "minions" aren't mine either. They're named after friends of mine. (Thanks, guys.) The song lyrics are sampled from The Reason performed by Hoobastank, Why Don't You and I performed by Santana, Time and Time Again performed by Papa Roach, and Mad World performed by Michael Andrews feat. Gary Jules. In that order.
Author's Notes: Chapter two was written when I should have been paying attention to Client/Server Systems. Basically, I wanted to see if I could finish it before class ended. I managed to do so, but at what cost to the humor?
Author's Notes (2): Thanks to kittykitty110 for reminding me that I forgot to use Swiper in the original chapter.
Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually)
Chapter Three: The Minions are Revolting. And They're Rebelling as Well
Where the Minions are:
The minions cackled evilly. They were evil minions. That's what they did. Their names were Corivade, Zylly, and Nick. Yes, Nick. No one ever said the Author was creative when it came to naming her minions.
The minions had the Author exactly where they wanted her. Locked in the strangest crossover they'd ever seen, as a self-insert, and that meant they could do whatever they wanted. Or, at least, they'd be able to once they got that bloody notebook from the Author. See, as long as the Author held the notebook, and, more importantly, the blue felt tip pen, she'd still have some control over the universe they'd tricked her into entering.
"We need to get the notebook and pen away from the Author," Corivade spoke up, stating the obvious. That was what she did. From all intents and purposes, she should be the brightest of the minions. As it was, she, at times, seemed to barely have two brain cells to rub together.
"I stole the Mary Sue. You do something for once," Zylly said, his eyes glancing towards the closet where the too beautiful, too clever, and too perfect abstract was bound and gagged. The original plans hadn't been to gag her, but the girl would not shut up. Nick didn't say anything about their current plotting. He was still trying to remove monkey fur from the duct tape. Why he was doing this was beyond anyone's comprehension, but it was taking all his concentration.
"Surely one of you has some idea!" Corivade exclaimed, her bright green eyes filling with tears. She could have been a Mary Sue, but all the current positions had been filled up. So, instead, she became an evil minion.
"Not here," Zylly replied. "And don't call us 'Shirley'."
Nick looked up at that. "That's worse than 'Sirius/Serious' puns." He glanced at the radio, thoughtfully, and an evil smile crossed his face. See, they're evil. "I have an idea that'll distract all of them."
The Three Broomsticks:
The Author, I mean, Rhianna, scrambled around trying to secure that she had her notebook and pen. It made her feel secure that she could still control things a bit. If the minions were evil, and they sure had claimed to be on their resumes, they would probably do everything in their power to keep her locked in this deranged, Crossovers that Should Never Have Been Made universe. All she could do, though, even with the pen in her hand and the notebook open to a blank page was stare at the pale blue lines that, somewhere in the back of her mind, seemed to be laughing at her.
She had the worst curse that could occur to any author. She had Writer's Block. Or, perhaps, it was the vapid brain of a Mary Sue invading her brain. That was the problem with being a self-insert. One might take the form of a Mary Sue completely. At least, none of the canon characters seemed to be staring at her, but that was probably because the Author, I mean, Rhianna, was still fairly conservative. She hadn't forced herself into something from Hot Topic by any means.
"What are we doing?" Harry asked, causing her to be startled from trying to think.
"Uh…" The Author, I mean, Rhianna, looked up at him, and she tried to concentrate. This was such a bad idea. She had to resist the urge to hug Remus at every moment, and the Mary Sue brain wasn't helping much. "I don't know," she finally admitted.
"Will you bloody think of something?" Draco asked. "This is pathetic."
"If you can't come up with something soon, your minions are going to trap you in this crossover," Remus added, but, at least, his voice was somewhat gentle towards her.
"I can't freaking think here!" Rhianna shrieked. At the wide-eyed looks of the canon characters, she swallowed hard, and her fair skin flushed with embarrassment. "I'm sorry… I just…"
And, just as suddenly, she gave a startled breath, and she started singing. Which, based on the radio reference in the previous section shouldn't come as much as a shock to the readers of this.
"I'm not a perfect
person.
"There's many things I wish I didn't do,
"But I continue learning.
"I never meant to do those things to you,
"And so I have to say before I go,
"That I just want you to know…"
The canon characters covered their ears. If there was one thing that this particular self-insert didn't have that most Mary Sues had, and that was a beautiful singing voice. In fact, the Author's, I mean, Rhianna's, voice sounded like a mandrake on helium.
"This is bad," Remus murmured under his breath. Someone might have commented on the obvious nature of that statement, but no one could hear over the sound of the Author, I mean, Rhianna, singing at the top of her voice. Plus, they still had their ears covered.
His amber eyes scanned the pub, and he saw one of the evil minions standing there waving his wand, mockingly, at the group. At that moment, the minion caught Remus looking at him, and he ran out onto Diagon Alley, because that was a great hiding place. Remus started to open his mouth to say something, a worried look crossed his face when it occurred to him that he might start singing, and he shook his head. He grabbed Rhianna's arm (she was, after all, the Author and it was her fault they were in this mess to begin with), where she was struggling with writing and singing at the same time and then they ran after the minion.
Meanwhile, the spell had started to take effect on the rest of the group, as Ron had started singing, while looking at Hermione, who, strangely, didn't seem to notice.
"Every time I try to
talk to you,
"I get tongue-tied.
"Turns out that everything I say to you
"Comes out wrong and never comes out right."
D-D-D-Dora! Dora, Dora, Dora the Explorer… Ugh.
"At least people are singing," Boots said, softly, as they reached the gateway between the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley. He gestured towards the pub, where people were singing at the tops of their lungs. An ambiguous man ran past them, and Boots pulled Dora out of the way. A second later, another man ran by dragging a singing young woman with him. Out her hands fell a battered notebook and a pen, and Dora picked it up, quickly.
She flipped through the pages, her wide eyes growing ever wider. "Boots!" she exclaimed, because she's Dora and that's the way she always talks. "I think that was the Author!"
"She's not supposed to be here!" Boots exclaimed back, since he's Boots and that's the way he talks.
"I know, Boots!" She looked around, nervously. "I think she's in trouble!"
"We have to help her! We have to help her! We have to help her!" Boots started hopping nervously from foot to foot.
"Calm down, Boots. We have to figure out what's going on first." There was a slight shuffling noise, and, almost instinctively, she held the notebook tighter to herself.
"Did you hear that?" Boots asked in a low voice.
"It sounded like Swiper the Fox," she replied, and she stared to look around for the, erm, fox.
"That sneaky fox is always trying to swipe our stuff!" Boots exclaimed, instinctively. That should have been patently obvious, though. With a name like "Swiper", the fox had little career choices available to himself. He either had to become a thief or a U.S. Congressman.
"We know what to do!" Dora said once she spotted the fox. It just shows how much her universe had changed, since she didn't have to ask for help from an invisible person. She held out her hand, and Boots did the same.
"Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!"
The fox, who'd managed to creep around until he faced them, paused for a moment. Rather than obliging perfect little Dora's fantasy that he would give up at that point, he grabbed the notebook from her. "Why does that usually stop me?" he asked her, and Dora, frozen in shock, could only shrug. "You should take better care of your stuff," he added.
"Give it back, Swiper!" Boots shouted.
"Yeah, you're only going to mess up the universe further," Dora added, her voice pleading.
"That's the point, you silly girl," Swiper replied and, before Dora could stop him, he ran down Diagon Alley. Dora and Boots glanced at each other.
"We better go after him, Dora," Boots said, and Dora nodded.
"He usually just tosses the stuff where we can find it," she said as they ran after the sneaky fox.
They stopped, in shock, as the fox dashed into a glowing, unfamiliar circle by Gringott's Bank, near where it connects to Knockturn Alley. An unfamiliar man was staring at the Author and the man with her with a mocking grin on his face.
The Author, Remus, and the Minion
The Author, I mean, Rhianna had finally stopped singing, much to Remus's relief. Instead, she glared at the glowing circle behind her minion. Some of the Dark Wizards who shopped on Knockturn Alley (I told you the minions were evil) were a bit upset at this turn of events. They couldn't reach their shops, but that hardly mattered to our heroes.
"You idiot!" The Author, I mean, Rhianna shouted at her minion. "Zylly, you let this thing in here and everything's going to fall apart."
"That's the point, Princess," the minion replied, clucking his tongue. Rhianna wasn't sure why. It just seemed to be something to do at the time.
"You three are minions! You can't do anything without someone bossing you around! It's in your job!" Rhianna's face turned bright red, and Remus wondered if she were going to use some weird, Mary Sue-ish power. Or, perhaps, hyperventilate.
"But Swiper stole the notebook!" A childish, aggravating voice said from behind Rhianna, and she turned around, her eyes wide.
Rhianna pat her clothes, like she were searching for the notebook under her sleeveless, black blouse. "You planned all this, didn't you?" she demanded of Zylly.
He gave her a wink, but, a second later, he started singing, surprise crossing his face.
"Yes I did it, and
I'll do it again.
"It doesn't matter if I am your best friend;
"I don't think so.
"You're not that smart."
Rhianna smirked. "You didn't think that by making everyone sing here, you'd be effecting yourself, did you?"
Zylly was incapable of answering, the spell overtaking him completely, but a hand reached through the hole and pulled him through it.
Rhianna sighed to herself. Remus took one look at the expression on her face, and he covered his ears. Dora glanced at him in confusion, but, a second later, she did the same.
"All around me are familiar faces,
"Worn out places, worn out faces.
"Bright and early for their daily races,
"Going nowhere, going nowhere.
"Their tears are filling up their glasses,
"No expression, no expression.
"Hide my head; I want to drown my sorrow.
"No tomorrow, no tomorrow."
"We have to find a way to stop this bloody spell," Remus
said, as he tried to speak over the sound of her singing.
"And I find it kinda funny,
"I find it kinda sad.
"The dreams in which I'm dying
"Are the best I've ever had.
"I find it hard to tell you,
"I find it hard to take,
"When people run in circles
"It's a very, very mad world mad world."