Disclaimer:  If I claimed to own Harry Potter, Dora the Explorer or the Fairly Odd Parents, would you believe me?  Of course not. 

Author's Notes: It's hard to be consistently funny.   That's why this thing really sucks, isn't it?  Mad World- Michael Andrews feat. Gary Jules, as mentioned last chapter, and Away from the Sun – 3 Doors Down are featured here, if you consider it a feature.  The latter I included simply because I don't hear that song nearly often enough. 

Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually)

Chapter Four:   A Fairly Odd Use of Deux Ex Machina

At Casa de Minions:

"You know what we need?" Nick asked, stroking his chin.  Swiper the Fox lay curled at his feet in a ball, simply so the Author, I mean, Rhianna, no I really mean the Author this time (damn it!) can't be accused of forgetting his existence.

"Cookies?"  Corivade guessed.

"No, we need – "

"I'm with Cori.  We need cookies," Zylly replied, his voice slightly scratchy from being unable to stop singing in the previous chapter.  "Or maybe beer."  You can't go wrong with cookies and/or beer.

"We need to mess things up even more."  Nick pointed to the computer monitor, where an old file laid named "Unfinished fanfics". 

"That's completely evil!" Corivade shouted, looking at the particular file he'd just opened. 

"Yes, I know.  That's the bloody point you foolish girl!"  Nick wondered why she was still around and they hadn't thrown her into the closet with the Mary Sue.  Then, he remembered, that she was the only one of the three who could type.  "We're evil minions, remember?"

"Yeah, well, who put you in charge?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

"She's got a point," Zylly added.  "We're minions, you know?  We're all used to following the Author.  Following you is pretty dumb."

"Someone has to do it!"  Nick's hand hit the side of the desk, overturning the bottle of soda (or pop) that had been left there.

"No they don't.  Bring back the Author!" Cori declared, and Nick looked at her, his eyes widening.

"Cori…"

"Don't start, Nick."  She folded her arms across her chest.  "If you don't fix this soon, I'm gonna…  I'm gonna…"

"Gonna what?"

"I'm gonna cry.  And, um, not type anymore!"

Nick looked at her with worry.  If she cried, Zylly would probably fall apart completely, and if she refused to type, this whole thing would never get finished.  This is quite silly, since it's been waiting for an update for two months.  No one ever accused the Author of not being lazy after all. 

He took action.  He grabbed Cori by the shoulders, and he sat her down in front of the computer screen.  "Type!" he shouted. 

"What if I won't?" she asked, and she tried to sound defiant, but it only came out as sulky. 

"Then I'll do it without you."  And, before the minion could stop him, he's opened a long unused file on the computer and a short paragraph of words appeared in front of them.

Diagon Alley

Remus stared at Rhianna as she sang her heart out.  He had to admire her trying, at least.  After a moment, he shook his head.  No, he didn't.  At all.  And he realized some part of the Mary Sue-ness of the Author, I mean, Rhianna (this time I really mean it, damn it!) was seeping through.  If only a beautiful singing voice came with it.

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

"I'm going to tie those minions up, rip out their intestines and feed them to my dog."

Remus looked at Rhianna with slight interest.  "Really?"

She paused.  "No, actually, this is the most evil thing they've ever done.  They should get a raise."

"And what does an unemployed college student pay them?"

"Oh…"  She waved a hand, dismissively.  "You'd be surprised at the addictive nature of cookies and beer."

Remus opened his mouth to answer, but he thought better about it.  If he said anything, she'd probably give a speech about how his having chocolate in Prisoner of Azkaban was no indication that he was addicted to the stuff.  And considering how much time she spent on message boards and instant messaging services giving theories to people who, really, didn't give a damn, he wasn't about to get her started.  He hated to admit it, but, now he wanted some cookies or biscuits as he'd most likely call them since he was British, but he wasn't going to tell her that. 

She opened her mouth to say something, but it was cut short by two fairies, who looked around and tried to hide themselves, and a boy about ten in a pink hat.  The Author, I mean, Rhianna (really!), looked at the three in shock.  Her face paled.  "Timmy Turner?" she asked, and her eyes widened. 

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

"Ugh!" The boy said, and he put his hands to his ears.  "I wish she would stop singing!"

The pink haired fairy shrugged, sheepishly, and she waved her wand.  Rhianna's mouth opened again, but nothing came out.  A moment later, she looked at the group, puzzled, but she looked at Timmy. 

"Hey, maybe you can help me out!  Just by making a couple of wishes!" she said, and she hugged him, quickly, which is weird because she's not a touchy-feely person at all.

"Wait, you know about Cosmo and Wanda?  Isn't that against Da Rules?"  Timmy looked at the fairies, who were trying to look inconspicuous as a pair of dogs at his feet.  Remus looked at the pair, and he frowned.

"Their magic cancels out our magic?" he asked Rhianna out of the corner of his mouth.

"Sure, why not?" she asked, and she shrugged.  "I'm still the Author, you know."

"How does everyone know about the fairies?" Timmy demanded.

"It's obvious," Remus told him. 

"But – "

"I've got mad skills."

"Isn't that supposed to be spelled with a 'z'?" Timmy asked, incredulously.  I mean, it wasn't that often that Cosmo had managed to stay quiet for so long. 

"Look," Rhianna said, sharply.  "I'm not about to do that, even for the sake of some stupid slang.  Now get with the wishing."

"You haven't told me what to wish!" he shouted, and Dora, who is still there with Boots, since she hasn't even met Harry, yet, backed away slowly.

"You're on the same network as me?" she asked, sheepishly.

"I'm geared to a higher age group."

"Then why does my niece like your show?" Rhianna asked, and she shook her head.  "Just get my notebook back.  And my pen."

"Right.  I wish this weird woman had her notebook and pen back."  Timmy glanced at the fairies, and they complied, silently.  The items fell directly into her hands, and she looked at them.

"I am not weird!" she said, and she started to sulk, but she thought better of it.  "I wish Harry were here."

Again the fairies complied, although Timmy himself hadn't made the wish.  Harry stood there, looking puzzled.  This, come to think of it, is probably a pretty common expression for him.  Not that I blame him.  Things are pretty confusing where he's concerned.

"How'd I get here?" he asked, sharply, and Remus started to worry this was going to be a post-OOTP tantrum with him.

"Never mind that, what are you guys doing listening to her?" Timmy asked the two fairies.

"She's the Author," Wanda replied.

"Yeah, we've got to do what she says," Cosmo said.  And the Author wished she could think of something more amusing for them to do, but what the hell.

"All right, Harry, this is Dora.  Dora, this is Harry."  Rhianna looked sharply at the place where the fourth wall stood.  "Happy now?  They've met.  I wish the canon characters and I were back where we're supposed to be."

"Does that mean I'm not going to Hogwarts?"

Harry looked at her "wand", which, as we discussed in an earlier chapter, was really just a stick she picked up off the ground.  "Not with that, you're not."

"Wait a second!"  Rhianna stopped the fairies before they could work their magic.  She grabbed Remus, and she kissed him on the cheek.  "Just be glad you didn't have to sing," she said, and she felt herself blush.  There were issues to being a bit shy sometimes.  "All right, not get with the wish granting."

"With pleasure.  This fic is too long as it is," Wanda said, and she did her magic.

And, a few moments later, Dora and her family returned to Mexico or Central America or wherever the hell she's supposed to be from.  Timmy Turner, Wanda and Cosmo, despite their much too short cameo, returned to Dimmsdale.  The Author returned to her computer, and, after a short butt kicking of the minions and a freeing of the Mary Sue, started pondering the reason why absurd crossover fics were barely ever written well.

And so ends Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually), simply because I can't be bothered to end it better.  I suck.  I know, but, hey, at least it's finished. 

Now that it's done, I need to get some vodka.