Chapter 17
Recklessly, I crawl under the covers and sink into the bed. For a while, I just lie there, letting my tears flow and staining the sheets under me as they drop from my face carelessly. I wish he were holding me, comforting me, making everything okay again. But how could he be, after what I've just done to him. How can I show him that I still want him to hold me and be with me, how can I treat him so unfairly? How can I be so selfish? All this man does is give and all I do is take, without giving anything in return.
I dry my tears with the sheets and take a deep breath. I can hear the sound of the water running in the bathroom and let it soothe me as I close my eyes. Why is it that I've turned down what I want most? I was offered a chance to make my wildest dreams come true, and I didn't take advantage of it. I had him, and I let him go. I have to do something to let him know I'm still his, something to let him know that he's still the only one I love. He knows I care for him, I know he does, but my actions contradict my feelings so strongly that I have to do something. I fear if I don't, he will believe that I no longer feel anything for him, and I can't let that happen.
Without him I am nothing. If I lose him, I lose myself. He's my strength and he is my will. If it weren't for him, there'd be nothing worth living for. I started my fight against SD-6 for revenge, I wanted justice for what they had done to Danny, but with every failure, I fall deeper into the hellhole that is now my life. With every wrong turn I take I am thrown deeper into this chaos and grow father away from leaving this mess.
Every day is another battle, and at the end of each day I know I must face the same brutality again the next morning. I inflict harm upon SD-6 everyday as well, but the mistakes that I make seem to wipe away any progress I've made since. There are times in which I just want to give up, there have been times in which I have actually thought of ending my own life. But I hang on, with the hope that one day it will all be over, and it is he who keeps me going. It is he who makes me stronger and tells me to keep trying. I continue for him, so that someday I can have everything that I work so hard for, so that one day I can have him without having to worry about the danger, without having to risk our lives. But will that someday ever come into existence, or will I be forever trapped in this world?
A sigh leaves my lips and I come out from under the covers. My mind has been made. I hear as he shuts off the water and realize I don't have much time left before he comes back out. I think hard, reaching into every corner of my mind, and the only reason I can come up with for holding back is the risk; the large risk that we would be running by being together. I need to get over that; in my life there is always a risk.
It's a risk every time I meet with Vaughn, it's a risk every time I go on a mission, and it's a risk every time I follow through with my counter- mission. If my life is already full of so many hazards, what will one more, one that will actually help me, one that will actually make me happy, as I have not been for such a long time, what will one more matter? But reaching into every corner of the mind does not always satisfy a mater of the heart.
At that moment the door opens and in he walks. He's wearing his boxers and a T-shirt and is rubbing at his head with a towel. He hangs the towel on his shoulder and throws me a grin. I smile at how cute he looks, his hair all messy and all over the place. He wipes his face with the towel one more time and hangs it on the doorknob to dry.
"Comfortable?" I look around and realize I've made a mess of the bed and am sitting in the middle with the blankets all wrapped around me. I try to conceal my blush as he laughs at me.
"Clean?" He runs a hand through his hair and walks over to the side of the bed.
"You better hope I am" He winks at me and kind of jumps onto the bed, causing me to giggle. I partially unwrap the blanket from around me and toss it to him. He settles under it at what seems so far away. I look into his eyes, letting him know that it's all right, that I'm sorry. He seems to understand; he always does, and scoots closer to me.
"Are you up for some tv?"
"Sure, maybe we'll find another hockey game on" He says thoughtfully.
"There are other things besides hockey, you know"
"I do know, I just happen to like hockey" He picks up the remote and takes my hand, placing the remote in it, "but I'll let you choose what we'll watch tonight" He makes it seem as if we could do this every night, and how I wish we could. I take the remote and flip through the channels. There seems to be nothing good on, just some bad movies and news.
"Finally. Now this is quality entertainment" I put the control on the table by my side of the bed and smile at him.
"Good old hockey" We both laugh and settle back to watch the game.
"I bet the Caps win" He looks at me sternly, and then fails and starts chuckling.
"Syd, I..." he falters and just smiles at me. What was it he wanted to say? I think I know as I lean my head against his shoulder. He wraps his arm around me and I close my eyes for a second. It all seems so natural, it seems so right. I don't think I've ever been more comfortable with anyone before.
Recklessly, I crawl under the covers and sink into the bed. For a while, I just lie there, letting my tears flow and staining the sheets under me as they drop from my face carelessly. I wish he were holding me, comforting me, making everything okay again. But how could he be, after what I've just done to him. How can I show him that I still want him to hold me and be with me, how can I treat him so unfairly? How can I be so selfish? All this man does is give and all I do is take, without giving anything in return.
I dry my tears with the sheets and take a deep breath. I can hear the sound of the water running in the bathroom and let it soothe me as I close my eyes. Why is it that I've turned down what I want most? I was offered a chance to make my wildest dreams come true, and I didn't take advantage of it. I had him, and I let him go. I have to do something to let him know I'm still his, something to let him know that he's still the only one I love. He knows I care for him, I know he does, but my actions contradict my feelings so strongly that I have to do something. I fear if I don't, he will believe that I no longer feel anything for him, and I can't let that happen.
Without him I am nothing. If I lose him, I lose myself. He's my strength and he is my will. If it weren't for him, there'd be nothing worth living for. I started my fight against SD-6 for revenge, I wanted justice for what they had done to Danny, but with every failure, I fall deeper into the hellhole that is now my life. With every wrong turn I take I am thrown deeper into this chaos and grow father away from leaving this mess.
Every day is another battle, and at the end of each day I know I must face the same brutality again the next morning. I inflict harm upon SD-6 everyday as well, but the mistakes that I make seem to wipe away any progress I've made since. There are times in which I just want to give up, there have been times in which I have actually thought of ending my own life. But I hang on, with the hope that one day it will all be over, and it is he who keeps me going. It is he who makes me stronger and tells me to keep trying. I continue for him, so that someday I can have everything that I work so hard for, so that one day I can have him without having to worry about the danger, without having to risk our lives. But will that someday ever come into existence, or will I be forever trapped in this world?
A sigh leaves my lips and I come out from under the covers. My mind has been made. I hear as he shuts off the water and realize I don't have much time left before he comes back out. I think hard, reaching into every corner of my mind, and the only reason I can come up with for holding back is the risk; the large risk that we would be running by being together. I need to get over that; in my life there is always a risk.
It's a risk every time I meet with Vaughn, it's a risk every time I go on a mission, and it's a risk every time I follow through with my counter- mission. If my life is already full of so many hazards, what will one more, one that will actually help me, one that will actually make me happy, as I have not been for such a long time, what will one more matter? But reaching into every corner of the mind does not always satisfy a mater of the heart.
At that moment the door opens and in he walks. He's wearing his boxers and a T-shirt and is rubbing at his head with a towel. He hangs the towel on his shoulder and throws me a grin. I smile at how cute he looks, his hair all messy and all over the place. He wipes his face with the towel one more time and hangs it on the doorknob to dry.
"Comfortable?" I look around and realize I've made a mess of the bed and am sitting in the middle with the blankets all wrapped around me. I try to conceal my blush as he laughs at me.
"Clean?" He runs a hand through his hair and walks over to the side of the bed.
"You better hope I am" He winks at me and kind of jumps onto the bed, causing me to giggle. I partially unwrap the blanket from around me and toss it to him. He settles under it at what seems so far away. I look into his eyes, letting him know that it's all right, that I'm sorry. He seems to understand; he always does, and scoots closer to me.
"Are you up for some tv?"
"Sure, maybe we'll find another hockey game on" He says thoughtfully.
"There are other things besides hockey, you know"
"I do know, I just happen to like hockey" He picks up the remote and takes my hand, placing the remote in it, "but I'll let you choose what we'll watch tonight" He makes it seem as if we could do this every night, and how I wish we could. I take the remote and flip through the channels. There seems to be nothing good on, just some bad movies and news.
"Finally. Now this is quality entertainment" I put the control on the table by my side of the bed and smile at him.
"Good old hockey" We both laugh and settle back to watch the game.
"I bet the Caps win" He looks at me sternly, and then fails and starts chuckling.
"Syd, I..." he falters and just smiles at me. What was it he wanted to say? I think I know as I lean my head against his shoulder. He wraps his arm around me and I close my eyes for a second. It all seems so natural, it seems so right. I don't think I've ever been more comfortable with anyone before.