Title: What Have I Done?
Author: Barb
Classification: PG-13
A/N: Feedback is welcome, even the bad ones.
This is a sequel to The Depth Of His Love, a story that takes place at the end of Trojan Horse and is written from Harm's POV, after his visit from Mac.
1325 Zulu USS Wake Island Arabian Sea
I watch Mac leave my stateroom and I close the hatch behind me. I let out the huge breath I'd been holding and lean up against the bulkhead. Oh, brother, I did it this time, I'm in big trouble now. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. She's going to go back to her room and think about what happened, and then she's going to come back and kick my six from here to next week.
I relive the moments in my mind, and I shiver with an all-consuming ache for her. She started out acting all smug and indignant, but I took control. If you lose control in my world, you die.
FLASHBACK
She says, "Harm, you said if I love him, it doesn't really matter what you want. But it does matter, to me Harm, it matters very much. I need to know what it is you want, Harm, I think I deserve it. No more ambiguity. Spell it out for me like I'm a 2-year old." She looked very pleased with herself and a little smug. Well, I'll show her.
"Okay, Mac, you asked for it, so I'm going to give it to you in plain English." I say as I point my finger in her face. "No more games. But you have to promise me that you won't say anything until I've finished saying what I have to say. Deal?" I ask.
"Deal," she says as I close the hatch. I have no idea what I'm going to say or do, I'm caught so off guard. So I do something I've never done before with Mac....I wing it. I start moving toward her and I really planned on stopping, but I couldn't, she was pulling me in with her eyes. She backs up, then back up some more, and suddenly hits the bulkhead. Ouch, that had to hurt, I think as she puts out her hands and grabs for dear life. She looks at me defiantly. I feel the challenge in her eyes. So I screw up my courage and what came next even surprised me.
She looks up at me expectantly. God, look at those beautiful brown eyes. I want to drown in them. Here goes nothing.
"I want YOU, Mac." I say. Where did those words come from? It's me talking but I can't believe the words actually came out of my mouth. I get even closer, if you can imagine that. "I want to kiss your sweet lips," I say to her. This must be a dream. I lean in closer and my heart starts to pound in rhythm with my increasing heartbeat. She thinks I'm going to kiss her, I'm right there, and I want to. I can see her eyes start to close in anticipation. Oh, how I want to feel her lips on mine. I think better of it though. I'm not sure how she's going to react, so I keep moving and the next thing I know my lips are next to her ear. Okay, I can do this. I start to softly whisper to her and I can feel the heat starting to emanate from her body. I can't help but breathe in her scent, wishing that I could run my fingers through her hair.
"I want to touch you, Mac, I want you to touch me." I whisper. She takes a deep breath and I can feel her breasts touch the fabric of my chest. As much as I want to feel her against me, I admit the fear that she's going to slap me any minute. I pull away ever so slightly, so I can't feel her against me and I mourn the loss. I can feel her breath becoming deeper and faster, encouraging me to continue.
"I want to make love with you," I say with as much sincerity as I feel. "When I'm moving deep inside you, feeling your need for me, I want you to tingle with excitement and moan in anticipation of the release of the tension that's been building between us for eight years." Oh, God, did I say that? To Mac? I can feel the sensation that my mind congers up. Feeling somewhat bolder now, I continue my verbal assault on her senses.
I feel her move ever so slightly. Her body touches mine and I can't hide my arousal from her. We both inhale sharply, not expecting the impact that feeling has on both of us. I have to move away, but not too far. I don't want to lose the heat that is burning there. I face her, she is so close. I look at her and say, "And I want you to look into my eyes and see the depth of my love for you." I mean every word.
Wow. She stops breathing. I think she understands. I think the reality of what I just said is starting to settle in her eyes. "Breathe, Mac." I tell her. She exhales and I watch her quiver. I want to hold her so much.
Mac looks at me and tries to talk. I put my finger up to her soft lips. I'm losing myself in her eyes, but I find the will to continue. We're almost there. "I'm not finished, Mac. You promised you'd wait until I'm done talking." I remind her. She nods in small defeat. I'm think maybe I'm getting to her, and I'm starting to enjoy it.
"I want to marry you Mac. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to sleep." I say softly, and turn back to her ear so she can't see the strain on my face. She doesn't know she has it, but I can feel the power she has over me. I can't stop now.
"I want to have babies with you. One who has your looks and my brains, and one who has my looks and your brains. They would be....perfect." I say, and I can feel her nod slightly in agreement. I smile.
"I want to grow old with you, Mac. I want you to let me love you forever." I tell her and I've never felt anything so strongly in my life. I hope she hears the words and feels their truth.
I move to face her again, our foreheads almost touching. "But what I want most, Mac, is for you to be happy. If you love him I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend. I'll always love you no matter what." I raise my head and kiss her lightly on her forehead. I reach down and pull her hands into mine, and give them a small squeeze. The hardest thing I ever had to do was back away, but I did it. I lean over, open the hatch and wait for her to leave. She has to leave now. Otherwise I'll lose control.
Mac looks at me, she's frozen there, staring. I haven't seen her take a breath, and I almost see her eyes start to get moist. I look at her and smile. All the words I've spoken tonight pale in comparison to the way I really feel about her. I'll never forget this moment for the rest of my life. I can see Mac gathering her thoughts. She's speechless, and starts to walk slowly out of the hatch.
END FLASHBACK
I said all I could say. Now all I can do is sit and wait for her to decide our fate. I silently pray for the strength it will take if I get the wrong answer. It's up to her now. She knows what she has to do.