In the Moment
In the moment, she was sure.
Her last boyfriend invited her to run away with him. He had decided that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He was ready to start something, or finish what he had already started when he had become a citizen of Stars Hollow, boyfriend of the beloved Rory. She answered him with enthusiasm and clarity. She let him know that she did not want to listen to what he had to say or come to a compromise. She wanted him gone. She did not care what happened to him.
She never wanted to be the girl who would have her heart broken and then accept the heartbreakers offer to reconcile. She did not want to be home waiting for him whenever he decided he had time for her. She let him know. She was positive Jess could not have changed. She was sure. She told him no. No, no, no. He left.
In the moment, she was sure.
She slept with her first boyfriend, her first love, her married ex-boyfriend. She had faith, she was sure she loved him and he loved her. She was sure everything would work out in the end.
When she saw how empty, insecure, and lonely he was feeling and realized she had the chance to cheer him up, she took it. She had not had a boyfriend in a year. She had no one to kiss, no one to hold, she had no one. Here she had the opportunity to dampen her current dry spell. She took it.
She felt his passion and his excitement, and his skin on her skin. She remembered how it felt to have a boyfriend. It felt good. In the moment, she was sure.
She knew what was she doing. Even in the moment, she remembered to use protection; she did not want to repeat her mother's mistake. She did not become caught up in anything, she was thinking clearly, and the decision was hers.
In the moment, she was sure.
Red light. Green. Rory accelerates. She picks a steady pace of ten miles under the speed limit. She is not in a hurry; she is in her car going nowhere. She had to leave home, but had nowhere to go. She is safe on the road, safe from people, and opinions, and judgments. Here, she can think what she wants. She spends as much time as she can on this road.
She contemplates her recent decisions. She sent Jess away. Previously, Rory railed on Jess to open up and share his feelings. She needed someone she could depend on. Now, he seems to have changed, he has become someone he is proud of. She refused to give him a chance. She thought that would be easiest. She was so sure, so decided on what she wanted, what she needed out of him.
She should have talked to him. There is no sense in cutting off ties unnecessarily. She likes talking to him, and now she will have to explain… something. She cannot justify anything she has done because she does not understand it. Her brain must have been on a hiatus for a while, because she does not know what was going on in there.
Lindsey answered the phone. She wanted to talk to Dean, to hear that everything would be fine, that he would work it out. Lindsey answered. Dean's wife answered the phone. Rory stepped into her car and started driving. That was over an hour ago. Driving in circles around Connecticut. Rory should not have kissed Dean. She had no right to. She should have realized this after the first touch. She only thought about what her body told her to do. She got caught up in the moment. She used to love Dean; they are no longer in love.
Past and present have become interchangeable to Rory. People are changing and Rory is stuck. She is living in the previous chapter of her life where Jess is unreliable and Dean is hers. She needs to understand what is real. She does not, and should not have the ability to decide her reality.
Rory continues driving down the damp, lonely, highway. It is dark. She is only able to see what her headlights illuminate. She ignores the occasional passing car. She looks only directly in front of her. She focuses on some approaching trees. She drives beneath the trees and several large drops of water fall on her windshield obstructing her vision. She lets them be and watches as they slide, making abrupt changes in direction on their way down. Her windows are open, creating a wind tunnel effect in her car. She automatically pushes the button to her left and her windows crawl their way to the top of their frame. A few short pieces of hair stay on her forehead from the previously windy atmosphere. The hair dangles over her eyes. When she blinks she can feel her eyelashes rustling her strands of hair. This, too, obstructs her vision.
Rory notices the sign. She has seen many like it. This one requires thought. Stars Hollow. Rory turns the other way. She sees the sign fading in her rearview mirror. She continues hoping for anything. She does not know when she will go home. Not now.
In this moment, she realizes that every aspect of her life has been altered, and she is sure of nothing.