A/N- Thanks so much for the wonderful abundance of reviews on the last chapter. We hope that everyone enjoys this one just as much. Just remember, there's no sunshine in The Chino....
Also, in response to the person who reviewed saying how they can't understand why Ryan would stay if he found out it wasn't his baby. We can answer that in two words: Hero Complex. It's annoying, but we love him anyway.
The Chino
Chapter Three
"Ryan? Can you get me some more water?" Theresa's voice calls from the bedroom.
I sigh despite my decision not to and return to the sink with a clean glass. I'm so fucking tired, but it seems like that's going to be a permanent condition. I have too much to do and not enough time or energy to do it.
Theresa means well. She shouldn't be up and around, and when I'm home, I won't allow it. She has to stay in bed if she wants to keep this baby. And she wants this baby. We both do.
Between her and Eva, my time at home is more tiring than working on the line at the factory. I try to sleep when I can but there's just too much going on when I'm here. I work all night and when I get home, they're just waking up.
My hands are shaking as I fill the glass from the tap. I drop a couple of ice cubes into the water like she likes it. She can't get dehydrated; her condition is too volatile right now.
She's been going to the doctor once a week since her scare but they won't tell us anything definite except that she needs to keep her stress and activity levels to a minimum. Easy for those fucking doctors to say, they don't know her. She's one of the most active people I've ever met and staying in bed is driving her crazy.
I go to the door and open it quietly as I hear Eva call out my name.
"Thanks, Jeeves," Theresa teases as she accepts the glass.
"Whatever." I don't smile; I'm too tired. I pause for a second and blink away the white spots from my vision. I've been dizzy for days, but I can't stop yet. At least after tonight, I'll have an entire 24 hours off. I intend to sleep and work on the nursery. I want it to be ready incase Theresa delivers early. I know I have months, several tiring months to go yet, and I know that as intense as these first few months have been, the final ones will be even more hectic.
I walk into Eva's room.
"Hey, honey." Her speech has improved a lot over the last couple of weeks.
"Did you need something?"
"I just checked my sugar. Do you think you can give me a shot?" She smiles sadly. I know she hates asking, but she's still not yet confident enough in her own ability to do it herself.
"Sure." I go to the dresser where we keep her insulin, pull out a fresh syringe and sit down on the bed beside her.
"You take good care of us, Ryan." She smiles. She pulls up her nightshirt to reveal her plump abdomen. I keep my eyes on her face as I give her the shot.
"Well, you and Theresa are my girls."
"Thank-you."
"I'm leaving for work in about half an hour, so just let me know if you need anything else. I'll check on you before I go."
"You're a good boy."
I close the door to her room and step into the hallway. I'm extremely dizzy all of a sudden. I take a few unsteady steps toward the kitchen but quickly realize that I'm not going to make it that far. I lean heavily back against the wall and slowly slide down until I feel the floor beneath me.
I just need a minute to get myself together. I just need a minute.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes to try to clear my blurry vision. I blink, but it's no better. I just need a minute.
--------------/--------------------/--------------------/-----------------------
"Ryan. Ryan?"
I snap alert at the sound of my name. Theresa's kneeling beside me, concerned. "What's wrong?"
"What?"
"You should have left for work already .... What're you doing?" Her eyes are bright with worry.
I glance at my watch. Fuck. What was I thinking?
"Shit, I have to go." I abruptly rise to my feet. I'm glad that I'm already dressed. If I leave right now, I can still make it on time.
"Ryan, are you all right? Were you sleeping in the hallway?"
"No, I'm fine, I just … I wasn't paying attention." I kiss her on the cheek and start for the door. I stop before exiting the hallway. "Why are you out of bed?"
"I had to use the bathroom," she replies, confusion clearly written across her features.
"Okay, but you know that you --"
"Have to stay in bed, I know, but…."
I don't wait for her to finish, I have to go. I have to go to work.
Focus. It's all about focus.
I start Theresa's car and try to focus on what I have left to do today as I'm driving.
I've given Theresa her meds. I've given Eva her meds. I've made supper for them and Mrs. Duncan is going to come over and make sure they eat. I paid the power and water bills yesterday. I'll pay the latest medical bills when I get home in the morning after I cash the check that I got in mail from Sandy. I hate excepting money from the Cohens, but right now, I can't turn it down.
As I rush into the factory and punch in - only a minute late - I know that I'm back in control. I can do this. It's all about focus. I can focus on work and in twelve hours. I can go home … and focus on that again.
'
-----------------/-------------------/--------------------/------------------
"Hey, kid. Kid. C'mon, wake up."
Who the fuck is talking to me? I open my eyes.
"Damn, kid, we were, like, two seconds away from calling an ambulance."
"What?" I realize that I'm at work. On the floor. With all these people standing around.
Shit. I sit up.
"You've been working too much, kid. You're exhausted. Go home." The supervisor, Harry, is leaning over me. After he let me leave early a few weeks ago, he's been more than civil to me. He respects that I'm a good worker and he knows that I need this job.
"You're sending me home?"
"You're dead on your feet."
Several of the men hovering around step back to give me my space.
"I swear, I'm fine now. I need this job." I never thought I'd sound this fucking desperate.
"You're not fired, I'm just sending you home. You're in no shape to be here. We've got a big shipment coming in next week and we need you at 100 percent. Go home. You're off tomorrow and when I see you back here on Monday, I want you to be up to par, okay?"
"Okay."
I can't believe I passed out. At work, no less.
"Get some fucking sleep, you're making me tired." Harry gives an understanding smile.
"I'll clock you out. Just go."
"Thanks." There's not much else I can say.
I make it to the car and sit motionless in the driver's seat for several minutes. The relatively cool night air is such a relief from the stifling heat of late. I can feel my elbow swelling and I assume that's what broke my fall. My head's still spinning, which probably means the road will be spinning. I just need a couple minutes to clear my mind.
A car horn off in the distance pulls me from my half-sleep. I start the car. I'll be here all night if I don't go now.
I drive home in a fog. I've been in this fog for quite a while but something's different ... it's dark and I'm on my way home.
Theresa's going to ask why I'm home so early. I glance at my watch. 10:45. I only made it through four hours. I hope they're sleeping. I could use the rest.
I park the car in the driveway and toss my cigarette onto the curb. I slowly make my way toward the house. All the lights are off. I unlock the door and try to silence the squeaking by gently guiding it shut behind me.
Flipping on the light, I sit down heavily at the counter. I open the laptop and scan for new messages. Nothing from Seth. My hands are shaking as I scroll down with the arrow keys.
Where is he?
Why the fuck can't he just call or something?
I shove the laptop in frustration and it slides off the counter and slams onto the floor
I put my face in my hands and try to take a few deep breaths. I can't tell if it's just me or the humidity, but the air feels thick and heavy.
He isn't dead. He can't be dead.
"Ryan? You scared the hell out of me! What are you doing here?"
Theresa. I feel her arm loop around my waist.
I don't bother removing my face from my palms.
"What's wrong?"
"Do you think Seth's dead?"
She doesn't answer. I lower my hands and look at her. I need an answer.
"I … I don't know, Ryan." Her eyes search my face as if I have the answer, but I don't. "I think that if he's anything like his parents then … then it'll take a lot more than a few waves to keep him down."
I lower my gaze. God, I hope she's right.
"He'll come home," she whispers softly as she hugs me.
I pull her close. I need her close right now. Before Seth, Theresa was my closest friend. Now she's all I have left.
"Did something happen at work?"
"Boss sent me home."
"Why? Did you get laid off?" Her eyes grow wide with fear.
"No. I … I think I'm more tired than I thought."
"Ryan …." She rubs my back gently.
"I don't know what happened. I think I collapsed or something."
"You…. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I accept the concern on her face. I can't bother fighting the little things anymore.
"Ryan, we can't afford this right now."
I can't believe my ears. I can't even look at her. I pull away from her embrace. "It's just one night's pay … I worked four hours."
"You know that's not what I mean …."
Do I? I'm just a paycheck. I'm too tired to be anything else.
"We can't afford for you to get sick like this. You're … you're running yourself into the ground."
"What else can I do? We're barely keeping our heads above water as it is, Theresa!"
"I hate this!" she snaps suddenly, shoving me. "I hate it, Ryan!"
I wait for the tears but they don't come, just anger.
"I hate having to depend on you, I hate that you think you have to take care of me! It's not fucking fair!" She closes her eyes for a long moment. "But I can't do this without you… don't you know how much that kills me?"
I do. She's never had to depend on anyone but herself. She's independent and totally self-sufficient. I know how hard it is to not have control. I'm all she has.
"But I need you right now."
She should be in bed.
She takes my face in her hands. I look into her eyes. Pale and beautiful. Sad. She's so sad.
"I need you, Ryan. I need you to be strong and healthy. I need you to be safe."
"I'm sorry …."
She pulls me into her arms again. She used to be so strong but she's too scared right now. Neither of us know what to expect - what's next.
"I am here, Ryan. You never talk to me, but I'm here."
"I know."
"Then talk to me. Don't let this take over your life."
"You are my life now, Theresa."
"But I miss you. I want you back."
"I'm just tired."
"Then rest. Sleep. C'mon, come to bed with me."
The phone rings. I turn toward it.
"You should get that. Then come to bed."
I reluctantly answer the phone, too tired to argue as she retreats back into the bedroom.
"Can I speak to Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"Chino?"
Summer.
"Summer. How are you?"
"Oh, fine," she lies. I can hear the pain in her voice.
"I haven't heard from him."
"I know."
It's nice to hear her voice. Seth loves her so much.
"How are you?"
"Fine."
"You sound about as convincing as I do."
"He'll come home, Summer. He'll come to his senses."
"What if he doesn't? What if he's met some beach whore and he forgets about us? What if he's …." I know why she stopped speaking.
"He's not."
"But what if he is?"
"He's not."
"How do you know?"
"I'd know." I'd know if he was dead. "You'd know, too. You are everything to him,
Summer."
"But he left."
"He didn't leave you. I have no concept of the way Seth Cohen's mind works, God knows, but I know that he loves you."
She laughs.
"I'm sure in his twisted mind, he thinks he did what he had to do."
"I know … but this … this …." She stumbles on her words.
"Sucks."
"Yeah."
I close my eyes. "How is she?"
"Do you really want to know? Because …."
"I still care, Summer. But … but I have to be here."
"I know. She knows, too. But it doesn't make it easier."
"I'm sorry."
"I know that, too." She sighs. "She'll be okay. She's getting better."
"Good. I know you're taking good care of her."
"How's Theresa?"
"She's fine."
We are both silent. Talking to Summer makes me feel closer to Seth.
"Why don't I totally believe you?"
"I don't know."
"Is everything okay?"
"We're working through it."
"Is the baby okay?"
"Everything's fine."
"I'm sure you're taking good care of her, but … how are you?"
"I'm okay."
She sighs again.
I break the silence after a few seconds. "He'll come home. He has to."
"Yeah, I mean, we're waiting for him."
"Yeah."
The peaceful silence returns.
"Well, Chino … I'll call you again sometime."
"Yeah. Thanks. It was good talking to you."
"Don't fall off the world without saying goodbye."
"I won't."
---------------/----------------------/----------------------/-----------------
I wake up alone in bed. Sunlight is streaming through the window across my face.
"Shhh, Ma. Don't wake up Ryan." I hear Theresa whispering.
Fuck, what is she doing? How long have I been asleep?
I sit up and swing my stiff legs off the bed.
"Oh, God, it's beautiful."
I open the bedroom door to see Theresa and her mother standing in the entrance of the nursery.
I had wanted it to be a surprise.
Theresa notices me and blushes with guilt, but she continues to smile.
"Theresa, Eva, neither of you should be out here."
Eva chatters excitedly in Spanish and grabs my arm as I approach, pulling me into a tight hug.
"It's beautiful. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Its … perfect," Eva finally speaks in English.
I smile at her enthusiasm.
"It's … it's beautiful. My baby's lucky to have you." She smiles over her shoulder at
Theresa, before slowly shuffling to her room.
Theresa wraps her arms tightly around my body once her mother's gone.
"You weren't supposed to see it yet," I scold, but it's so nice to see her so happy.
"I couldn't resist. I've been lying in that damned bed for weeks listening to you fuck around in here. I had to see it."
"And you like it?"
"It's … amazing."
The upper walls and ceiling are a sky blue, peppered with clouds and birds. The ceiling has transparent stars that glow in the dark. The carpet is a light green and there are trees and hills painted along the lower portions of the wall. I don't think anyone could even tell all the materials were extras and scraps that I barely managed to purchase from discount home renovation outlets.
"It's like nothing can touch this. This child is going to have everything that we never had. It's going to be made up of the best parts of both of us."
She kisses me and I believe her. Everything will be okay. We have time to pull out of this spiral.
I return her kiss. We both need this. A moment of happiness.
"Thank you," I murmur when she buries her face against my chest.
"For what?"
"For smiling. For making me smile."
"You did it." She pauses and pulls back to look at me. "How're you feeling?"
"Better." It's the truth. It's amazing what a few consecutive hours of sleep can do. I'm still tired, but not as lightheaded as was yesterday. "You should get back in bed. I'll make breakfast."
"Are there groceries?"
"Lie down, Theresa."
She kisses me again and I watch as she cautiously returns to the bedroom.
I wander into the kitchen. I stop to pick my laptop up off the floor, but I don't open it.
It's a new day, Theresa and her mother are happy, I've managed to get a few hours of sleep, and I don't want to start it off on a bad note. Seth has to come home on his own and no fucking email from me is going to bring him back.
I start bacon and eggs. Tea and juice. While the food cooks, I take Eva her meds.
I return to the stove and wait for the bacon to get crispy like Theresa likes.
In Newport, it took forever to make breakfast. Kirsten wasn't picky, she loved bacon of any kind. Seth liked it limp and chewy. Sandy and Hailey wanted it burnt and crunchy. Rosa hates bacon.
I scrape the eggs onto a plate and turn off the stove.
A loud thump and a crash emerges from one of the bedrooms. I bolt into the hallway.
"Ryan …."
I can barely hear her voice, but I see her kneeling on the floor beside the broken television.
"Theresa …." I search her body for injuries and try to ignore that her hands clutched over the mound on her stomach.
"I wanted to adjust the antenna … and the table started to tip … I didn't want the TV to fall and …."
"What's wrong?" Everything is wrong. She has to tell me differently.
She moans suddenly and crumples into my arms.
"It hurts … oh God …."
Her white sweatpants darken before my eyes. I blink. Blood.
No. No.
I have to do something.
My body works automatically. I have to shut everything else down. Automatic.
"C'mon, I've got you."
I lift her into my arms and she whimpers.
"It's okay …."
I stop in the kitchen to turn off the stove. Eva will be fine. I gave her morning meds and Mrs. Duncan comes by at noon.
I continue out to Theresa's car. She curls up in the seat, clutching her abdomen. Her eyes are closed in pain. She bleeds.
Ten minutes to the hospital.
I make it in five.
"C'mon, Theresa." I've parked the car and I am crouching beside her opened door.
"Ryan …." Her face is stricken, her eyes full of emotion. I can't see it. I can't think about it. Automatic.
I lift her from the car and stride into the hospital.
----------------/------------------/-------------------/-------------------
Seth had been waiting for three hours. There had been no lights on inside when the taxi brought him and he'd given up on the idea that anyone was inside.
The lady across the street had watched him for a while, but he was too nervous to go ask if she knew Ryan.
He hadn't considered that Ryan wouldn't be home. All he knew was that after Ryan's consistent daily emails, he had finally responded to one and there had been no reply. It scared him.
Seth had read every one. He had been trying to harden himself, shut off the pain of Ryan's abandonment. But the last one … he had to come home. He had to see his parents and Summer. He needed to see Ryan, most of all.
But no one was home.
So he'd wait.
He was waiting.
-----------------/-----------------------/--------------------/-------------------
"Honey, are you all right?"
I look up at the nurse's face. I'm numb. Is that all right?
"Is there anyone I can call for you?"
"No. I'm okay." Automatic.
"Okay. The doctor will come back soon."
"Can I see her?" They won't let me see her. She'd cried out for me earlier and it took three orderlies to pull me from the room. They have to let me see her.
"In a little while."
Fucking nurse. I need to see her. I cover my face again. I'm numb. I don't want to be here.
"Mr. Atwood? You can follow me." The doctor gives me a smile. Fucking doctor. I don't remember his name but that doesn't matter. Theresa matters. This baby matters.
I push past him into the room. Theresa is curled up in the crisp white sheets. I can see her face and … I know. It's over.
"Theresa …."
I go to the bedside and she takes my hand and puts it to her lips, kissing it silently.
I turn my hand and cup her chin. "Are you all right?" It's a stupid question. She's not all right.
"I'm okay. But …."
"It's okay." I don't want her to talk about it yet. I don't want to hear it yet.
"I lost it. They said … something … tore."
I can't hear this. I can't … I can't breathe.
"Ryan? Ryan, please … don't cry."
I cannot hear this. She is holding me in her arms. I can't stop the tears, but I don't cry. Crying is different, these are just tears.
"Shhh. It's okay."
I let her hold me for a few moments until the numbness takes over again. She's the one in the hospital. She just lost her baby. I'm supposed to be the strong one.
"I'm sorry." I swipe at the tears on my face.
"Me, too." She hesitates. Her face is blank. "Listen to me. The doctors say they say I have to stay a couple of days. They might need to … to do a little maintenance."
"What?"
"I might need surgery, Ryan."
Something tore. Oh God. This can't be happening.
"Ryan?"
"I'm listening." I squeeze her hand and sit on the bed beside her.
"They say if they go ahead … if I need it … that I'll still might be able to have kids in a couple of years."
I nod. My eyes start to sting again and I blink rapidly.
"And I need you right now. I mean …."
"I'm here. For anything. Just tell me."
"Can you go home and call some people?"
"I'm not leaving you."
She smiles sadly and brushes a strand of hair from my eyes.
"I expect you to come right back. But my family … they need to know."
"Just give me names."
"Where's Ma?"
"Mrs. Duncan took her to her place."
"Good. I want to tell her myself."
"Theresa …."
"No, Ryan, I'm serious."
She's amazingly controlled. I'm shaking and she's completely composed.
"I'll do whatever you say."
I realize that the Theresa I know is gone. This woman beside me is not Theresa. She's lost too much. She's an empty shell. She's got nothing left.
We don't have anything left.
----------------/--------------------/--------------------/--------------------
As soon as Ryan walks out of her room, Theresa leans over and picks up the phone. She dials the number she'd memorized months before.
"Hello?"
"Can I speak to Mrs. Cohen?"
"Theresa? This is Kirsten, what's …."
"Ryan needs you."
"What?"
"I'm sorry he hasn't called. I know that's all my fault but …."
"It's not your fault, honey. What's wrong? What's wrong with Ryan?" Kirsten sounds like she's on the verge of panic.
"I … I lost the baby. I'm in the hospital …."
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, I'm going to be okay, but Ryan … I've never seen him like this and … and I can't help him right now. He's too upset about Seth to call you himself. He won't burden you …."
"Theresa …."
"He's done so much for me, Mrs. Cohen, so I have to try … I have to try and do this for him."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at Chino Hills Memorial. I sent Ryan home to take care of some things. He'll be back in a little while. But tomorrow …."
"We're on our way. We'll be right there."
"It's late, visiting hours are over."
"We can wait. Anything you guys need. We'll be right there."
------------------/---------------------/---------------------/------------------
I park the car on the street in front of Mrs. Duncan's house. I had called earlier and she'd offered to take care of Eva at her place for as long as we needed. She didn't ask any questions, and I didn't give her any answers. She knew something was very wrong.
I grip onto the railing of her front porch and ring the doorbell. Within seconds, the kind, older lady is standing in front of me.
I clear my throat and try to find my voice. It comes out shaky and uneven. "Hi, Mrs. Duncan … I, uh … I was wondering, if you wouldn't mind, could Eva stay with you tonight?"
She reaches out and rubs my upper arm like she's my grandmother or something. "Of course. It would be my pleasure."
I nod and swallow, turning away. I blink a few times before turning to face her again. "Thank-you," I whisper.
She nods and smiles. "Anytime. If you need anything, let me know."
I nod again and try, unsuccessfully, to force a smile.
"Ryan," she calls to me before I reach the bottom of the steps.
I turn again and meet her kind eyes.
"I think you've got a visitor. A young man's been sitting on your porch all morning …."
She cranes her neck to look behind me. "Yes, I think he's still there."
I follow her eyes and my breath catches in my throat. My heart starts beating rapidly and I blink just incase my eyes are playing tricks on me again. Nope. He's here.
"Thank-you, Mrs. Duncan … for everything."
She smiles and gently closes her door.
I stare across the street. I can't tell for sure, but I think he might be sleeping. His head's resting on his knees which are pulled up into his chest.
I choke back the tears and try to compose myself as I slowly walk toward the house. Too much. There's been too much emotion to deal with today.
As I reach the bottom of the stairs leading to the porch, it becomes more than clear that he's asleep. I take the opportunity to pull out my smokes and lighter. He's here, and he's still going to be here after a smoke. I need a few minutes to think.
I lower myself onto the top step and light the cigarette. The numbness is starting to fade. I'm beginning to feel again. It's as if someone's just punched me in the gut several times.
This can't be happening. I took this life, I loved these people, I expected this baby. I needed this baby.
I take another drag. I'm too tired to stop the tears from falling again. They're just tears. It's just too much right now.
I don't know how we're going to get through this. The prospect of this family … it had become my purpose - my light at the end of the tunnel. It kept me going. And now, in an instant, that light's been taken away. All the work, the suffering, it was all right because I knew that my child would be happy. My child would be loved. My child would have a mother and father that would give anything for its happiness. That was enough for me.
Now everything's black. I have no direction. There's nothing to work for, to suffer for, to sacrifice for. It's a sickening, cruel twist of fate and I don't know how we're going to make it. Our lives have grinded to a halt.
I raise the smoke to my lips again. My hands are shaking violently. The nicotine isn't cutting it today.
"Ryan?"
I don't turn toward the sleepy voice right away. Instead, I slowly exhale and swipe at the tears with the back of my hand, sniffling a few times and trying to suppress all the horrible emotions coursing through my body.
I hear the wooden boards creak as he moves toward me. I stand, and finally turn. He's darker than I'd ever seen him. He must have spent all his time in the sun. His hair is longer than usual, curled tightly in the humidity.
I meet his eyes. He smiles. I can't. He doesn't seem to care and pulls me into a hug. I return it, holding on tightly to the person that I'd dreaded I would never see again.
"Thank God you're back," I whisper.
He pulls away. And looks me over. "I thought I could do it. I thought I could stay away forever." He shakes his head sadly. "I was wrong."
I nod. "Your parents …." I can't finish my sentence. I feel like I'm choking.
"Yeah, I know. I'll call them. I just … I had to see you first."
"I can't tell you …." I swallow and blink several times again. My chest is tight and my throat dry. "I can't tell you how good it is to see you."
Seth smiles broadly. He feels the same way. I know he does.
"Where the fuck were you? I kept writing and you never responded … I was starting to think …."
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He looks down at his hands. His eyes are filled with guilt.
"I'll tell you all about it. It was actually quite the learning experience."
I would expect no less from Seth. It's not like him to hold back on details, especially if it's something that he's excited about.
"You smoking again?" His eyes are scanning the lawn.
I should really use an ashtray.
I don't bother responding. I think he knows the truth.
"How are things going with you and Theresa?"
I pretend as if I don't hear him. It's not about us. It was never about us.
"I've gotta find Theresa's phone book." I know the comment is random, but I'm having a hard time thinking straight.
Seth shrugs. "Okay."
I shakily unlock the door and he follows me into the house.
"Tell me about your trip." I demand as I rifle through kitchen drawers. I need to get him talking. I need that comfortable, familiar voice telling me mindless stories.
"I wouldn't call it a trip, per se, but it was definitely an adventure. I just couldn't stay away, though."
I slam the top drawer shut and start on the second one.
"It was scary and fun and sad … I was lonely, but I needed to do it." He situates himself on one of the stools behind the counter as I continue to busy myself with my frantic search. "I sailed south to the border, sold my boat for more than it was worth, and used that money for food and board at cheap motels, some in Mexico, some here …." He continues to ramble. I hear him, but I'm not listening.
I close the second drawer with more force than is necessary, and move onto the third.
"…she was really nice, and sort of in the same situation as myself, so we traveled together for a few days. She was a few years older … it wasn't like that, though; she took care of me. Sort of like a big sister."
I slam the final drawer shut with all my might. I can't breathe properly. The room starts to spin and I close my eyes. Leaning forward, I grab onto the counter and try to force composure.
Seth's not talking anymore.
"Dude, are you okay?"
God, no. No. I can't tell him. Not now.
"I … I can't find it."
"Well, did she say where it is?" Seth is standing beside me now. He's confused. He doesn't understand.
I shake my head.
"Maybe it's in her room?" He says trying to be helpful.
Right. That makes sense.
I start down the hallway. It feels like everything's moving in slow motion. Seth follows at a distance, but doesn't come into the bedroom. I start with the desk, roughly pulling the drawer off the tracks and dumping its contents onto the floor.
Where's that fucking phone book?
The nightstand. I pull out the multiple pages of crossed-off places where Seth wasn't, and search underneath. It's not here. It's got to be here somewhere….
"Dude!"
Seth's voice comes from down the hall. I stop my frantic search, significantly out of breath. I need to calm down.
"This is incredible!"
I slowly walk out into the hallway. Seth's standing in the middle of the nursery, admiring the ceiling in awe. As much as I don't want to go in there … I have to.
I walk over to the bookcase and pick up the little ceramic horse that I found when I bought the crib.
"This room is awesome." He rotates, taking it all in. "You do this?"
I nod.
"When's the baby due?"
I feel sick. Seth raises his eyebrows when I don't answer.
"It's …." I can't.
"Ryan, what's going on, man?"
"You should go see your parents. They've …." I shudder as I try to take a deep breath. "They've been worried sick."
I replace the horse on the shelf and fold my arms across my chest.
"Did you find the phone book?" He changes the subject. Doesn't he care that his parents are absolutely heartbroken? They think they've lost their son, for Christ's sake.
"No. Look, Seth, you should call them. They need to know … know that you're okay."
He nods. "I know. I was just thinking that I would show up. I don't think I can talk to them over the phone …. Doesn't seem right, you know?"
"Then go. Go now."
"I, uh … I can't right now."
"Seth, GO!" I don't really mean to yell at him. I'm not in control.
"I don't have any money for a cab right now! Ryan, what is going on? Where's Theresa? And why are you freaking out over a phone book?"
I keep my arms wrapped tightly around my chest and wander into the corner. Fuck. My stomach burns. My eyes sting.
"This wasn't supposed to happen," I whisper, more to myself than anyone else.
I lean my forehead against the wall and focus on breathing. Focus.
"What wasn't supposed to happen?" He sounds scared.
I speak into the wall. I'm not even sure he can hear me. "I have to go back to the hospital."
"Back?" He's closer. "What happened?"
I open my mouth. Nothing comes out. I can't say it. I shake my head and blink a few times.
"Theresa? The baby?"
I just nod. That will just have to do for now.
"Dude …. Ryan, I … I don't know what to say." He's close to tears. He doesn't know the half of it.
I need to get out of here. I have to get back to the hospital.
I feel that familiar numbness flooding back. I can't make those phone calls right now. I should be with Theresa.
I turn and walk past Seth. I know he's right behind me. He always is. I grab the keys out of my pocket and get in the car. He stops outside of the passenger's side door, as if asking for permission.
I close my eyes and nod.
"Don't! Let go!"
I turn my head to see the boy from next door is arguing with his mother. She has a firm grasp on his wrist and is trying to pull him into the house. The boy has other plans. He struggles - fights her with all the power his little body can muster.
Seth climbs into the car. I don't start it right away, but continue to stare out the window.
"Michael, I swear to God, if you don't come into the house right this minute!"
Her threats are empty. The boy knows it. He pulls away and plants his feet.
"Michael!" She's getting mad.
"Do you want me to tell your father you were being rude? Is that what you want?"
The boy shakes his head. The woman must play the "father" card often.
"What the hell's going on here?" The large, gruff man stumbles onto the porch. He's drunk. Dangerous.
"Why don't you tell your father, Michael? Huh? Tell him!"
"Do you want to get smacked?! Get the fuck into the house!" the man yells at the stubborn boy.
The boy walks slowly toward the door, then runs past his father as fast as he can.
"Why do you have to do that, huh. Why do you use those words?" the woman asks her staggering husband.
"They need discipline!" The man is slurring his words.
"They're just kids …."
"They're YOUR kids! I never wanted the little shits! That boy's nothing but trouble and you know it. God damned, fucking kids …." He stumbles back into the house. The woman follows obediently without any further objections.
"Ryan?"
I turn back toward Seth. He makes eye contact but doesn't say anything. I start the car and pull back onto the street.
I slowly drive back to the hospital. There's no reason to rush. Seth is silent. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch him looking at me, then turning away. I'm too tired and upset to be bothered by his attention.
I walk quickly through the parking lot to the main doors. Seth jogs lightly to keep up. He still hasn't spoken. I try to make a beeline through the lobby, but a familiar voice causes me to stop dead in my tracks.
"Seth?!"
I look up to see Kirsten and Sandy standing at the receptionist's desk - both look equally shocked. Seth stands frozen, a good distance to my left.
What are they doing here?
Kirsten immediately bursts into tears, running to her son and pulling him into her arms; her knuckles turn white as she latches onto Seth's t-shirt.
Sandy finally snaps out of his trance and tearfully embraces his son. All three Cohens are crying in their own way. Their family is complete again. No more fear, grief and sorrow.
The nightmare is finally over.
I back away and accidentally bump into a nurse.
"I'm sorry," I mumble. She smiles and continues on her way.
I aim for the doors. I need air. Theresa needs me, but it's gotten harder again. Time. I just need some time. It'll get better. It can't get any worse.
I lean against the cool brick wall of the hospital, tilt my head back and close my eyes.
What are they doing here? How did they know?
Theresa? No one else knows. She must have told them. Somehow … God, she shouldn't be thinking about that. She should be thinking about herself. The surgery.
Surgery. We can't afford it. We'll make it happen, I just don't know how.
A shiver runs through my entire body. It's hot as fucking hell, and I'm shivering. I slide down the wall and sit on the pavement.
My stomach's churning violently. I swallow and link my hands behind my neck.
The numbness fades and I feel it all hit me like a sack of bricks. I lean my head on my knees. The wetness of my tears sinks through my jeans. My entire body shakes.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. This wasn't supposed to happen.
A warm hand rubs over my back and settles on my shoulder. A soft kiss is placed on top of my head. A sympathetic body sits next to me, holding me close.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie …." She chokes out the words between her own tears.
She runs her fingers through my hair and leans her head against my shoulder. She's a good mom. Seth's a lucky kid.