Title: This Is All Your Fault 1/2

Authors: May and Hedda

Website: http:torturedscribes.feybles.com

Disclaimer: You think people would actually pay money to read this swill???? We are just playing in Tolkien's sandbox with his bucket and shovel. We promise to give it all back as soon as we are done.

Special Warnings: Little Bit of Language; Pregnant Mary Sue (my that's a scary thought)

Timeline: Sequel to "You're Going To Put That Where?"

Summary: Legolas finally got laid and now Vordolwen is expecting. Will he survive the horror of the perfect Elven maid with not-so-perfect hormones?

"You're WHAT?" Legolas' face took on a befuddled look and he dropped the riding crop he was fondling.

"I said that I am expecting your heir and can no longer be subjected to your deviant sexual whims," Vordolwen said matter-of-factly before stuffing a second pastry into her mouth.

Legolas burst into the weekly poker game and began passing out 'cigars'. The cigars were an invention of Merry's but Legolas didn't think they would ever catch on.

The five males sitting around the table simply stared at Legolas. Thranduil was quite sure that his son had finally gone off the deep end. Celeborn wondered idly if Vordolwen had finally hit him upside the head with a blunt object. Aragorn figured he was suffering from some sort of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome as a result of their quest to destroy the One Ring. Elrond wondered if insanity was grounds for an annulment. Faramir tried not to think at all, Éowyn didn't like it when he did.

"What are these for?" Aragorn asked his ecstatic friend who looked like he had just won an all-expenses paid trip to Valinor.

"I'm going to be a daddy!"

The five males exchanged glances and promptly burst out laughing.

Legolas was shocked by their reaction. "What could possibly be so humorous about Vordolwen presenting me with an heir?"

Legolas sat dejectedly as the horror of the situation finally penetrated his thick skull. His friends and relatives had taken great pleasure in regaling him with stories of their own experiences.

His father had spent three weeks locked in his own dungeon for having the gall to wear green in his pregnant wife's presence.

Celeborn had spent weeks dodging random bolts of power from Nenya. He had finally taken refuge on the Northern Fences in the whorehouse that Haldir and his brothers operated. He technically wasn't supposed to know about it, but he was glad he had turned a blind eye to its presence. Especially since there was this delectable redhead that helped 'comfort' him in his time of need.

Aragorn had the misfortune of bringing Arwen breakfast in bed one morning. He thought he was being a thoughtful husband, catering to his lovely wife and future mother of his heir. Oatmeal burns like a bitch, especially when it is dumped unceremoniously down your pants.

Elrond still suffered from occasional bouts of tinnitus after having his eardrums shattered when Celebrían found out she was carrying twins.

Faramir's arm had never quite healed right after Éowyn beat the shit out of him for saying she still looked lovely even though she had gained quite a bit of weight.

Legolas began to wonder if now was not the perfect time to visit Gimli at the Glittering Caves.

End Chapter One