AT The Turn Of The Tide

by mackenzie925

Harm is devastated after losing Mattie. Is there anyone who can help? Maybe a certain Lieutenant Colonel?

1. Pain and Suffering

TITLE: At The Turn Of The Tide

RATING: PG

PAIRING: Harm/Mac

Disclaimer: I do not own JAG.

Author's Note: My new JAG story. I'm working on a few others, too. More is coming. This idea came to me as I was watching the season finale. A very special note to remember ... since Mac's health problem is still up in there and there is no certainty as to what it is, I decided not to really touch upon it until TPTB does. So this story does not mention it. It's a resolution to the whole Mattie story line, the way I think it should end. However, I am assuming, only because I didn't want to bring in an unknown, that Krennick will be the new Admiral.

Chapter 1: Pain and Suffering

JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
1000 EST

Coates sighed deeply as she filed the last of the cases that had been dealt with by the new Judge Advocate General in the past month. The summer was certainly interesting, especially since the new JAG became settled into the job. It had taken much for all of them to deal with, most importantly because they had all lost such a close friend. Coates knew how Admiral Chegwidden had wanted certain tasks to be done, but the new JAG never ceased to be different with each new problem that had arisen. Coates found herself constantly attempting to meet the new tasks, and the more she tried, the more it seemed like she failed. Yet there were no complaints.

"Coates," came a voice, and she looked quickly up from her files to see Bud strolling slowly towards her.

"Lieutenant," Coates replied, standing up. "Admiral Krennick is ready to see you."

"Thanks, Jennifer." Bud quickly knocked on the door and entered into the office, shutting the door behind him. Before Coates could sit back down and begin work again, she caught the image of Commander Rabb entering the office. It had been a few days since he had come to work, having just dealt with the custody case for Mattie. Both herself and Harm had taken it hard, knowing that even though they would hate losing Mattie, going back to her father was the best-case scenario for the teenager. However, it had still been very difficult.

Coates saw this sadness in his eyes, and the dark shadow of his features. Not much had been able to improve his mood. It didn't help any to have Colonel Mackenzie gone for the week for a case on the U.S.S Patrick Henry. The one person who could handle the Commander wasn't around, leaving the rest of the office to weather his changing moods on a whim. It was then that Coates noticed Commander Turner giving Rabb some aid by knocking on his office door. Sturgis was probably the next best bet.

Harm sat down at his desk as Sturgis entered it, knocking lightly. "Hey, buddy. Welcome back."

"Yeah, right," Harm replied, opening a case file in front of him. "I have to be in court in an hour."

Sturgis smiled, sitting in the chair across from the desk. "Already hard at work."

Harm shrugged. "Yeah, I've been off long enough."

Sturgis sensed the frustration in Harm, and knew it would take awhile for his friend to get back on track. He only wished Mac was here. "I'm sorry about Mattie, Harm." He knew it needed to be said, that the subject needed to be addressed before they could talk longer. They weren't going to be able to talk sensibly until they had passed it. Losing Mattie had been very traumatic for Harm, a sadness that would take him some time to overcome. Right now, however, denial was in his heart.

Harm looked up from his files to glance at Sturgis, seeing the sympathy in his eyes. It had been there for weeks now. It had been in everyone's eyes since the news had broke that he'd probably lose the one thing that had kept him sane during the past year. He hadn't loved someone so much since his father. Or been so involved in someone's life. The experience was drowning him, yet he wasn't going to admit it. He was stronger than that, he had to be stronger than that. Work was his one release.

"Thank you. Now, if you'll please leave, I have to prepare for court," Harm replied, much more coldly than he probably intended.

However, Sturgis felt that coldness and knew it was his time to leave. No one had been able to talk to Harm since the custody case had finished, and anyone who tried knew the attempt had been futile. It was best to state the support before quickly shifting to the side. Harm would eventually realize his state of obvious denial and in doing so begin to get past his sadness and loss. It would happen. It just took time and patience. "I'll see you in court then." Harm glanced to him, nodded, remembering that his first case back he would be facing Sturgis.

As Sturgis left, Harm sat back in his chair, feeling his breathing catching in his chest. The event had been amazingly overwhelming for him, and it didn't help any for the one person who could help him to be thousands of miles away on a case. It wasn't her fault, he knew that, but it didn't hide his contempt. He needed her, despite burying such weakness deep within him. No one knew how lost he was.

Grabbing the case from his desk, he decided to head towards the courtroom. His office was becoming colder by the minute, and all he wanted to do was leave the bullpen as quickly as possible. He wanted to leave the looks of sympathy, the stares, and the worried faces. Walking out of his office, and closing the door angrily behind him, he locked it quickly and left. His actions, though intended to be quick, caught the attention of everyone in the office. They watched as he disappeared into the nearby hall, and finally drifting into the elevator.

From afar, Coates, Bud, and Admiral Krennick had witnessed the entire scene. Krennick was beginning to wonder what she had gotten herself into, only remembering the arrogant pilot 10 years before, and now facing a deeply troubled officer. Times had certainly changed. Looking to Coates, Krennick saw the obvious look of worry. "Is he always like this?" Krennick asked.

Coates looked to her CO. "Only when he loses someone close to him, ma'am."

Krennick nodded, feeling the situation might require her aid. "When will it end?"

Shrugging, Coates replied softly, "I'm not sure. Maybe when Colonel Mackenzie returns." Coates then left the Admiral's side and returned to her desk, hoping her little hint would make Mac's investigation go just a little faster.

JAG Headquarters
1200 EST

The shouting voices brought everyone's attention to the two people entering the bullpen. It had been a long morning for Harm and Sturgis, and court had strained it that much worse. The first day back for Harm had not been good, and Sturgis knew part of the problem was him. Having Harm take on a big case so quickly after returning from such a difficult time had not been wise. It only made him angrier, and Sturgis felt increasingly helpless every minute.

"I can't believe you did that to me in there!" Harm shouted, walking quickly to his office door.

Sturgis reasoned back, "Harm, you had to know that was coming. You're a better lawyer than that."

Harm turned to his friend, angry rising in his eyes. "You completely sandbagged me in there. Didn't even give me a chance."

Sturgis huffed, "Is that what law is about? Giving the opposing lawyer a chance? I was defending my client! Come on, Harm."

Harm unlocked his door, shoving it open. "No, it's about the truth, isn't it? I'm getting so tried of technicalities in law. We need to hang the guilty, get them taken care of," Harm shouted back, half sarcastic and half serious.

Sturgis stepped in front of his friend, stopping him from going into his office. "Harm, stop it," he whispered.

Harm shouted back, "Stop what? This?" He then threw his briefcase across the floor of the bullpen, all of the tension that had been flooding in him for weeks suddenly breaking through like water through a dam.

Breathing hard, he looked around the now shocked office, seeing the faces again. The sympathy. The sadness and grief. All those emotions that had been raging inside of him. He then caught the one face he didn't want to; Krennick. Her eyes showed anger and frustration all in one, and he knew he had suddenly been asked to her office. Glancing to Sturgis again angrily, he walked to the outside of Krennick's office and walked in, the Admiral behind him.

Shutting the door, Krennick walked over to her desk, seeing Rabb now at attention. "Ma'am." His emotions had quieted, yet the rage still flooded the whites of his eyes. Working at JAG right now was too much for him.

"You put on quite a show, Rabb," Krennick replied, leaning against the desk in front of Harm.

He nodded, "Sorry, ma'am."

Krennick stared at him for a second, knowing that any attempt by Rabb to work here further during this day would only cause more confusion and trouble. Rabb needed a day off. "I think it's a good idea that you go home. Cool off."

Rabb looked to the Admiral with question and frustration, feeling that work was all that would release him right now. "But, ma'am, I really need to work right now."

Krennick shook her head. "Take the day off. That's an order."

Rabb stood back to attention, his anger beginning to flood again. However, he knew better not to show it in front of his CO. "Yes, ma'am." He then saluted, turned a 180, and left the office. Krennick followed, watching as he moved to his office and began to pack his briefcase.

Coates saw Krennick walk up to her as they both watched Harm leave. "He'll be better at home, ma'am."

Krennick nodded. "Colonel Mackenzie's case ended an hour ago. And I ordered her to go home and rest up for tomorrow." Looking to Coates with a small smile, Krennick disappeared into her office.

Coates smirked, knowing that even though Harm and Mac had been hiding their relationship, everyone at the office had been aware of it. They knew that the only person who could calm Harm down was Mac, especially now when she was needed the most. Unfortunately, the Secretary of the Navy had ordered Mac to the U.S.S. Patrick Henry, and though Mac had sorely wanted to be with Harm, she was forced to watch him suffer from afar. Now with the case over, she could be where she needed to be. Only hearing small reports about the custody case, Mac didn't know about how hard Harm was actually taking the news. It was something she really needed to see for herself. Coates pondered this carefully as she returned to her desk, hoping that Colonel Mackenzie would be the answer.

Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
1900 EST

The door to Harm's apartment opened quietly, and Harm probably would've heard the disturbance. However, he was fast asleep on the couch in the small living room. Case files were thrown out on the coffee table and floor, and a nearby window was open wide while a fan quietly cooled the apartment. A tall glass of lemonade sat on the coffee table among the huge pile of cases, and it was quickly leaving a ring of water underneath. The sunset enveloped the apartment in a warm, red glow. It had been extremely hot in Washington, which explained the scene very well for Mac. However, Harm being asleep to the point of exhaustion as she saw now was only explained by one thought; Mattie.

Mac sighed deeply as she stepped more into the apartment. She had just returned, still sporting her summer Marine attire. Being on an aircraft carrier for a full week had also been an exhausting experience. Luckily she had won the case, but at the sad expense of the emotions and distress of her boyfriend. The carrier was not the place she had wanted to be. Seeing Harm fast asleep reminded her of the possible mistake she may have made. If Krennick had ordered her to the carrier, Mac might have had a way to get herself out of it. However, the order came from the Secretary of the Navy, a man that could not be pressed. Especially when no one was supposed to know about her current relationship with Harm. The idea would've been too risky, and she had to play along.

Setting her bags on the floor, Mac walked quietly over to Harm. It was clear the custody case had taken much out of him, and it was unclear as to what Mac could say to make him feel better. All she could really do was be there for him. Pushing some of the files across the coffee table, she sat down on a clear spot to look at Harm. He was lying on his stomach, his face buried in the back of the couch, wearing a T-shirt and shorts. Reaching a hand out to him, she ran her fingers through his hair, and then to his face. His left cheek felt warm in comparison to the light breeze coming from the nearby fan.

Mac couldn't help but think of Harm's father, the distress that he had gone through trying to find him and then discovering his fate. It had been difficult for Harm, and Mac had been in a dozen conversations with him about such sadness. Harm had let her help him then. And, she continued to herself, he was letting her help him now. It was all she could do for him. Be there. Comfort him. Running her hand across his back with comfort one last time, she stood up to get something to drink and to settle herself in for the night. Leaving Harm for the week had been difficult, and now that she was back, she had no intention of leaving him now.

Turning around, it was then she saw Jennifer Coates looking through the doorway and knocking quietly. Mac and Coates made eye contact, and Mac saw the sudden delight crossing the younger woman's face. "Ma'am. You're home."

Mac nodded, moving to the door and outside the apartment to join Coates. Closing the door behind her quietly, she answered back, "Yes. My case finally ended."

Coates couldn't hide her delight. "Thank goodness. It has been a rough week."

Mac motioned for Coates to move towards her apartment. "Let me change, and then we'll talk about it."

Coates' Apartment
North of Union Station
1920 EST

The tea tasted wonderful and seemed to calm Mac's worry a little as Coates began to explain the week's events. Mac dreaded the idea of being away from Harm during such a problem, and she only hoped she could be helpful now. "I can't believe I missed it all." Mac sighed deeply, looking to Coates who had not let her worry leave her features.

"There wasn't anything you could've done about it," Coates reasoned, pouring more of the tea into Mac's cup. Despite the heat, the tea was hitting the spot.

Mac looked to her tea, feeling the sadness again. "He'll get through it ok. I just can't help be worried, though." Looking to Coates, Mac saw sympathy and understanding. Everything would be ok.

Coates replied, "Well, ma'am, it was hard for him. To just give her up like that, without a fight ...".

However, Mac swiftly interrupted. "Harm didn't fight the custody case?"

Coates shook her head. "No, ma'am. He said it was better for her to be with her real father."

Mac felt her heart sink. No wonder he was feeling so horrible, why he was so angry and upset. Harm knew that the ideal situation was for Mattie's father to sober up and prove himself. He had begun to do that enough for Harm to release Mattie with a good conscious, though understandably upset. It was bittersweet for Harm, and often did he talk of his apprehension to Mac concerning this decision. In all likelihood, Mac expected Harm to fight to some extent. Never did she expect him to give up completely, but Mac knew why he had. Again, thoughts of Harmon Rabb Sr. invaded her mind, and she knew Harm's own loss encouraged his decision to give Mattie a second chance. The second chance that Harm himself could not give himself.

Mac finally spoke. "Harm has been having such a hard time with this. It was all he was talking about for so long." Looking to Coates again, she continued, "I think I'll go check on him. Thank you for the tea."

Standing, Mac said goodbye again and walked back over to Harm's apartment. Opening the door quietly, she peeked in to see Harm gone from the couch and now sitting on one of the bar stools, sipping his warm lemonade. Mac entered completely, causing Harm to glance back at her. Mac said softly, "You're up."

Harm nodded, turning back to his drink. "You're back."

Mac walked over to the other side of the little island in the middle of his kitchen to look at him. He looked up at her, his eyes still full of exhaustion and worry. Mac knew he had not been ready to let Mattie go, even though he knew it was for the best. So often had he been hard on himself for not getting a house sooner for Mattie and himself, for not moving, for not settling down. The Navy lawyer life just didn't support that kind of commitment. He hadn't been ready for it.

Reaching over, she clasped his hands in hers. "How are you?"

Harm shrugged and got up from the stool to walk over to the couch. Mac watched him as he settled down, leaning back against the cushions, and followed. She sat down next to him, waiting for him to say something. Looking to her again, Harm sighed, finally replying, "Not great."

"Have you been sleeping?" Mac asked. Clasping his hand again, she felt his weakness.

He didn't want to show his contempt for her not being there for him, but he couldn't help it. It was overflowing. "No, you haven't been here." Though he did not intend to make her felt guilty, it seemed to fit the mood he was in. He needed to release it, despite the hurt it might cause. There was no question he was angry, not only because he lost Mattie, but also because Mac hadn't been there. He knew it wasn't truly her fault, but he couldn't help but feel the contempt. Perhaps he was aiming it at the wrong person, Harm now thought to himself, looking to Mac, who tried to deal with his mood as best she could. Perhaps he should be having the contempt for himself, for not fighting, or better yet, for not realizing that what he had done was the best thing he could've done for Mattie. He showed how much he loved her. "I'm sorry, that was out of line."

Mac nodded, leaning back a bit from him. "No, you're right, I should've been here."

Harm looked to her again, shaking his head. "It wasn't your fault." He then stood, walking to the window to look out at the dark night. Mac stood up and followed him, wanting to show him she wasn't leaving. Not now. Not ever.

Taking his hand once again, she replied, "Tell me what you're thinking."

Harm shrugged, looking down to her. "I'm thinking I was stupid for believing I could raise a teenager."

Mac wrapped an arm around his waist. "You changed her life, Harm."

Harm huffed, "How was that?" He broke contact and walked over to the couch. This time Mac stayed in front of the window, only glancing at him as he settled himself in the same position he was in when she first saw him.

Mac looked to the shimmering stars. "Uncle Matt changed my life. Took me at my lowest point, sobered me up. I would be a different person because of it." Switching her eyes back to Harm, she saw now he was sitting up, paying attention, listening. Mac continued, "Mattie was at her lowest point when you entered her life. Lost her mother, on the verge of losing her father. You changed her life, Harm."

Harm then looked down at his enfolded hands, now feeling as if everything was making sense. Maybe he wasn't supposed to raise Mattie, and maybe he had made the right choice. Never having a second chance with his father had really hurt him, and being able to give that chance to someone else was the one thing he could do. Make someone else's life better out of the sadness of his own. It was then he saw a hand take a hold of his, grasping them. Glancing up he saw Mac had moved next to him. She moved her other hand to his face, caressing it. "I'm feeling sorry for myself. I shouldn't be."

Mac felt the denial he had washing away into acceptance. Even though on the outside the new arrangement he had with Mattie seemed unbearable, in the end, he had no idea what he had meant to Mattie. And what he still means to her. What he will always mean to her. It was this he saw in Mac's eyes, the same experience she had, what it had done for her. "Everyone needs to."

Harm turned to her more fully, leaning his forehead to hers. "I'm glad you're here."

Mac moved closer, wrapping her arms around him, laying her chin on his shoulder. "I don't want to be anywhere else." She then felt all of the tension that had been laying dormant in his system releasing. The hold he had on her tightened a bit. At that moment, she felt that sleep may finally come to Harm easily, and she stretched out completely on the couch. Harm followed, stretching out next to her, laying his head on her chest, hearing her heart beating. It was the rhythm that quieted him, settled his mind, and made him drift into sleep. Mac ran her hands through his short hair and knew his mood had changed. The denial was over.

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