Authors' Note: This was done on an extreme caffeine and sugar high, along with extreme fatigue; please be gentle (although flames can be fun if not useless!)
Disclaimer: We do not own The Fifth Element.
Rose: I wish I owned that studly stud muffin Corbin, though.
Wren: Yeah, you've been saying that for a while now…thinks: "what a moron. I left architect-of-the-clouds to work with this?"
Rose: Oh you know you love me, Wren. Plants a big wet kiss on Wren's cheek
Wren: AAAAAHHHHHH! Grabs the Frying Pan of Doom and proceeds to bash herself on the head hoping to induce amnesia; fails but gives herself a comical bump on the head the size of a golf ball.
Wren and Rose will be known as W and R
THE SCI-FI HOURWith your hosts: Wren & Rose!
W: Hello and welcome to The Sci-Fi Hour! Today we have back with us the characters from the Fifth Element, who seem to be an audience favorite, seeing as this is their fourth visit to the show. Turns around to greet guests and knocks herself out with the frying pan she is holding.
R: Ummm… thinks "what the hell was that nut doing with a frying pan?!?" Ok, um, now that my co-host is temporarily…otherwise engaged, please welcome the people from The Fifth Element!
Theme music from movie plays; enter the studly Corbin and sexy alien bride Lilu, Ruby, Cornelius, and the Pointless Priest Apprentice, (henceforth known as PPA).
Wild audience applause. Random woman screams and faints at the sight of her studly target of admiration to the point of stalking, Corbin. (Rose screams "He's mine, bitch!") Enter paramedics who pull out those shocker things and revive woman. Cycle of woman fainting/paramedics reviving her continues until woman is carried away in a straight jacket.
W: wakes up and screams "Bunnies! Bunnies! Horny pink bunnies! Oops, I forgot to take my medication again. Hah, I've forgotten to take my medication all week I've got some catching up to do.
R: Well, that explains the frying pan. And anyways, I've been selling your psycho pills for money so that maybe one day I can buy my beloved Corbin on the black market and he can be my sex slave.
Corbin: you do know I'm right here and I can hear everything you're saying?
R: I know. Sighs and blinks dreamily in Corbin's direction.
Lilu: Multipass.
W: You know, it's a good thing you don't know where I keep my emergency stash. Goes into cupboard backstage, downs two bottles of pills, comes back on stage and proceeds to pass out, but not before yelling, "Napoleon will rule again, but not without the pink bunnies at his side!"
Ruby: Man, that's just wrong.
PPA: No, you're wrong In a cooing voice
Ruby: Oh stop. Blinking rapidly
PPA: You stop. Blushing
Ruby and PPA proceed to make out. Gasp from crowd.
PPA: Unless you are incredibly stupid, you must have picked up on the fact that we're gay.
Ruby: But you should have known that already. Now bzzzzzzz…
PPA and Ruby continue to make out.
R: Now that's incredibly wrong, or is it incredibly right and meant to be?
W: Mommy?
Ruby and PPA go into a dark corner to indulge in some oral sex
Lilu: Multipass.
Corbin: thinks: I would be stuck with an over-sexed abusive, non-English speaking wife. Wait, that's every guy's dream. Don't hate me because I'm gorgeous…
Ruby: appearing from out of the dark corner Corby my man, you need to tone the thoughts down. I got ESPN you know.
R: All right, all right. Settle all this hullabaloo down and lets get to the show. Ok, first question. Just for audience clarification, who is with who now?
PPA: I broke my vows just for Ruby. They hold hands and Ruby shoots a doe-eyed look at PPA
Corbin: Lilu and I are still together, of course.
Lilu: Multipass.
Cornelius: And I am still reduced to jacking off.
W: I'll never let go Jack! Rose grabs the frying pan of doom and knocks Wren out again in a desperate attempt to save ratings.
PPA whimpers slightly and all the guests shoot Rose worried glances except for Lilu, who is staring at the ceiling giggling inanely.
Cornelius: Strangely enough, the bible doesn't say anything about knocking out your co-host. I know! I'll convert to Buddhism!!!
R: Does it say anything about taming the one eyed beast yourself? No, never mind, don't answer that.
Corbin: Why do we keep coming on this show? Looks to the ceiling for answers and is hit by a spit ball thrown by Lilu.
W: Huhhh…
Ruby: I think she coming round!
R: Damn.
Lilu: Multipass.
R: All right, next up we have some deleted scenes. Sexy… I mean Corbin, could you tell us what's happening in this first scene?
Corbin: Yeah, um… this first one is an alternate ending. It's quite interesting. Well, just watch, you'll see what I mean.
Movie Clip: President walks in: "Where are my heroes?" Scary guy with bald line on head: "Umm, they're not ready just yet."
Camera pans slowly to the regenerator, moving through the metal to reveal… Ruby and PPA getting it on. Cool techno music and fade to credits.
Collective gasp from crowd. Someone actually throws up.
Corbin: You think that was bad- the other alternate ending pans into the regenerator and you find Cornelius jacking off!
Random Audience Member: Ok, ok, we'll take the first alternate ending- no need for cruel and unusual punishment.
Lilu: Multipass.
R: Ok, now after that disturbing piece of sacrilege, let's move on to the next scene. Wren's finally coming around, Wren, you wanna field this one?
W: (drunkenly) Ok… goes cross-eyed for a moment.
Ruby, still slurring would you tell us about this next deleted scene? Thinks: where am I? What is the meaning of life? Am I a carnivorous cow?
Ruby: Well, this scene is when I'm interviewing Corbin for the first time.
Movie Clip: Ruby: We're here today with the wonderful vacation winner, Corby! My, what a studly man. I'd like to get me a piece of that all! Now, do you work out or something cause damn! You are fine, Corbin: get away from me! Backs away slowly.
Director: Cut! Jeeze Ruby! Try to get the raging hormones under control. Besides, I'm the one paying him. If anything, he's mine! Mwahahahaha!
Corbin: Runs down the hall screaming.
-end scene-
R: Ok… but wouldn't that be more of a blooper?
Corbin: No, we were going to leave it in the movie and be like one of those reality shows. We thought it would add a certain originality, but it was voted out by the first test audience.
PPA: How could you do that to me Ruby? I thought you loved me!
Ruby: Now, sweetie, this was before I met you. You know I love you.
PPA: You don't! Starts bawling First that woman and now this. Sniff I never want to see you again!
Ruby starts bawling too, so now there are two grown men weeping on stage. Rose, thinking of what the producers are going to say, sits down and starts crying too.
W: still slurring Anyone got tissues?
R: Ok, sniff we have to pull this shithole of a show together. Next sniff question: what was your favorite scene in the movie? Sexy?
Corbin: I take it you mean me… my favorite scene was the last scene because I got to bang this hot alien chick over here.
R: sighs I wish that had been me… wait; did I say that out loud? All right! Quick change of subject-Lilu, what was your fav?
Lilu: Multipass.
R: How did I know that was coming? Ok, Corny, your fav?
Cornelius: When I walked in on Ruby and PPA doing it. Oh, wait, that wasn't in the movie. Ok, um…
Ruby: See baby! Don't you remember all the good times we had together?
PPA: You're right! Ruby and PPA sit in the same chair for some serious snogging
Moan from crowd. Random audience member #2: Enough all ready- have you two been bitten by a horny pink bunny or something?
Random Lesbian Audience Member: You go! Be proud of your sexuality! Her and her partner proceed to make out. Eventually anyone and everyone in the audience is making out with someone. You can see little glimpses of the pink bunnies hopping in and out of the crowd, biting everyone, and you can here their evil cackling.
W: swaying slightly Yeeha! Let's be nudists everybody! Cackles evilly leading some to believe she is joking. But other particularly stupid members of the crowd start stripping.
Corbin: Attempting to teach Lilu a new word he would like. Sex, Lilu. Look! See-sex!
Lilu: Multipass.
Random TV Executive: Walks onto stage. We're shutting this piece of crap show down, there are better shows we could invest our money in, like Jerry Springer.
R: You can't do that-this show is my life!
RTVE: Can and will. Tear it down, boys. Movers come in and start taking down the set.
R: YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!! I'll fight you all the way to court!
W: Well I guess that's all folks.
R: No it's not-we'll be back next week-you can count on it!
W: We can go back to working with Architect-of-the-clouds now, right? Suddenly remembers that she thinks she is a carnivorous cow. Wren jumps the RTVE and begins to eat him. Blood and scraps of clothing fly everywhere.
R: You sure she'll want us back?
W: Through sloppy mouthfuls. I don't know, but it's worth a try.
Mover dumps Rose out of her chair.
R: Well, that's all folks. Maybe we'll be back and maybe we won't, but you can always find us with Architect-of-the-clouds.
Lights on stage shut off.
R: Hey Corbin, now that the lights are out, you wanna…
Corbin: No!
Lilu: Multipass.
Ruby: When you going to get that Wren girl a therapist?
R: She ate the last one.
Guests and audience members suddenly realize they have very important stuff to do elsewhere.
R: To Wren You're the reason we never go anywhere.
W: Screw you! I'm leaving.
-the end (for now)-
Author's Note: Please r&r. We are, of course, not expecting too many positive reviews and flames, as I said before, are fun and will suffice. Rose: We better get at least one good review, you bastards! Wren: Oh shut up! You know this whole thing is a piece of shit.