One Last Time
A/n: OOOOooooOOOOhhhh I am oh so, oh so, glad! Oh. you made a girl happy! Thanks. *mwah* I hope you really do like this story. oh and I hope you like the poems too.. the poem here belongs to Kodye. I can very much relate to this sad poem. it's really depressing. ( The title of the poem is Depressed again. Reminder: poem 'thoughts' ~*~*~*~ flashback ~*~*~*~ ***break*** Disclaimer: I don't own anything just the plot. J.K Rowling does but I do not. The poem being used here does not belong to me But please review all the same to keep me a lil' happy (
One Last Time
Dying: The Confrontation
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It's been a bad day I'm getting used to it now. Another sad day,
I'd cry but I don't know how.
Pansy stared into her reflection, as her own blank lifeless eyes stared back at her.
"So ugly.." she whispered.
She wanted to cry so badly, but when she thought back at what happened the night before, she cried in front of Granger, she hugged a Gryffindor and she in one night became a best friend to a mudblood. Her father always told her, a person who cries is weak, and it's okay to cry, unless you are weak. She wasn't weak.
'I'm not weak, I'm not. I'm. I'm.' she thought to herself.
"Hopeless." she sighed and tossed a rock into the lake watching her reflection ripple and fade away. She waited for the water to settle and when it did she stared into a familiar face. Those cheekbones, those lips, were all so familiar to her yet she forgot what it was like. She gasped and put her hand to her mouth.
"Merlin's beard!" she shrieked to face Draco staring into his sparkling silver eyes, "You almost gave me a heart attack, blimey!"
"Pansy. you've been keeping something from me." he whispered inching towards her.
"I. Have. Not." She said emphasizing each and every word,
"Yes." he put his hand one her arm, "Yes, you have." He inched one more step closer, she backed away as if his closeness was about to squeeze her shut. She felt dizzy, her sickness was slowly taking her over, minute by minute. She held onto the rock for balance and looked away.
"I have, so what?!" she exclaimed, "Yeah so what? Why should you care? I mean. Hello? You didn't care when I walked away that day 11 months, three weeks, and two days ago, you didn't care because if you did you would have gone after me. You would have asked me to stay."
"No. I did?!? You were so selfish Pansy that you locked yourself up and the whole world was there, watching you. So selfish that when I walk up to you, you tell me to forget anything happened between us. You were my life Pansy, I tried to make things work and you still pushed me away." He said a angrily, he took a deep breath and sighed staring straight into her hard green eyes.
"You see. I was." she said softly, "I was your life. you are the one who's selfish, because I was the one who suffered! I tried to be happy and I wanted you to see that, but you have to come and smile at me like nothing ever happened between us. You are the one who's the selfish prat with an umbrella stuck up his arse. You are the one who's selfish! You think I don't know what you think about me whenever I talk to Hermione you always tell her quote on quote "Don't listen to that stuck up no good bitch" you think I don't hear you? I know you too well.. Now here I am standing in front of you while you already know that I. Am. Dying. And you are calling me selfish!"
He was about to speak she cut him off, "I'm sorry I never was quite the angel that took your heart away, I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect girl friend, I'm sorry I did not make you happy enough to stay, I'm sorry I shut myself out. it was the only way to get out of this world, to get out of this pain" she started to cry, "I'm sorry for all the stupid stuff I said the past year, but you see. I'm not sorry for, ever, ever loving you at all. I'm not sorry for being in a relationship, the best one I have ever had well probably the only one, I'm not sorry Draco because I loved you, I'm sorry that up to now though you do not know, that I still love you." She was crying uncontrollably now she stared at him, "your eyes. my eyes, the twinkle is gone. you took them when you loved her. Now it's gone." She buried her face in her hands.
Draco stared at the scene that unfolded in front of him. A whole year for her to admit what she had been keeping for a long time. She stood there her face buried in her hands, her body shaking, he reached over and touched her shoulder. She looked up into his face tears rolling down her cheeks, eyes sore and red. She was so sad, and he couldn't let her spend her last days on earth like this. Without another thought he pulled her into his arms, his body, shaking with concern and care. He hugged her so tight and never wanted her to let go for what seemed like a minute she finally got the strength to hug him back with much more strength than he did they stood there like that.
"Pansy, you were my life and you still are along with Herm. I loved you because you were my life, I still love you now very much with all my heart. I love you Pansy. Just not the way you want me to." She released her grip and looked down her head leaning on his chest looking at her feet. She felt his chest rise up and down.
"I know, I can feel it when I hug you, when I look at you even as you speak those words. I know, I have accepted it that you love her and not me, the only thing I can't accept is why I still love you." She looked up at him and brought her hands to his face. She touched his cheek lightly caressing it with her thumb, her hands were cold, soft and clammy. Her nails were neatly long and painted with clear nail polish. She moved closer to him and brushed his hair out with her fingers, she twisted it gently as if trying to remember those few nights they spent together. She closed her eyes and watched as vision of their time together flashed like pictures. Their faces were so close that he could smell her sweet watermelon peppermint breath on his face. She didn't move to kiss him, she moved as if she were a blind woman searching in a friend's face. She touched his soft lips and though she longed for it, she shook her head, she touched her own and sighed- eyes still closed. She brought it to his eyes, then his nose and then back to his cheek again. She opened her eyes, her green ones staring into his own, silvery blue ones. She tilted her head to one side.
"Your eyes.." she tiptoed and when she was at eye level she moved so close to him that their lips were almost touching, he wanted to kiss her to make her feel better but she spoke, "So full of love. not for me. not for me. " she whispered her breath blowing into his face.
"Pansy." he looked at her not moving.
"Draco I can't get over it, get over us, everywhere I turn has a special memory even if it's short and pathetic it still has you in it" she whispered, "I memorize every place we went to and each and everything that happened. So precious to me, you know that?" she sighed and stepped back and back to her normal height. " Listen to me. I sound like a psychotic freak. I have to get in now.. It's cold and I have to rest."
Draco pulled off his coat and wrapped it around her while drawing her in for a hug. Her tears wet his shirt and she looked up at him. "I want to do something, just the two of us. Next weekend, Hermione is not going to be here because she is spending the weekend with Potter and Weasley. Just the two of us." He looked down at her beautiful sad loving face. He kissed her forehead, "Take care now okay. I love you friend. Good night." He whispered and kissed her forehead again.
"Yeah." she whispered, "friend.best friend." She said and walked back into the castle disappearing from his view.
Pansy stared at the mirror long and hard thinking about what had happened awhile ago.
I'm drowning in thoughts,
Of how things used to be. My chest was shut tight,
Complete with purity.
She picked up her brush and began brushing it one hundred times like she used to. One her 98th count she was too tired, too weak, her bones ached. She walked over to her bed and lay down on the soft comforter and pulled the wool blanket over her up to her chin. For what seemed like an entire year she finally fell asleep.
~*~*~*~
It's out in the open
Should've kept to myself.
I'll learn from my mistakes
Take my heart off the shelf.
Pansy stepped into her room, she just came from the hospital.
"Adenocarcinoma, it's a form of lung cancer. It is said in your medical records that you had pneumonia when you were ten and you have asthma right? Well since you had asthma and then you had pneumonia, which therefore weakened your lungs. Then you, I suppose, were exposed to second hand smoking since both of your parents smoke. Your lung cancer metastasized, or spread, through the bloodstream or lymphatic system to your other tissues. More than 50 percent of people newly diagnosed for lung cancer already show signs of cancer elsewhere in the body." The doctor said smartly with his hands folded neatly on the table.
"You mean the cancer has spread?" her mother asked worriedly.
"Here is the results of the CAT scan she had a few weeks ago. We had her whole body done because, as you said that she had been coughing out blood and has been sickly for a few months now." The doctor handed her mother the few X-ray sheets he held in his hand, "as you can see here, this little white spot that is the tumor in her lung." He then pulled out another three and handed it to her mother, "These are her knee caps and this is her laryngeal area and her leg bones. It shows that the tumor, which came from the lungs, had spread. Don't worry this is a cancer of any kind but it will affect your child's walking, ability to stand and talk."
Her mother began to tear, "is t-t-t-th-the-there anything. anything" she started to cry.
"Mother." Pansy stated sternly. Embarrassed at the scene her mother was displaying.
"If you told us earlier we would have, could have done the treatment. But since we did a Biopsy, we are regretfully sorry to say that your daughter's tumor is malignant. There is nothing we can do but hope for a miracle."
"How long. how long will she live?" her father asked finally speaking up.
"I prefer you guys would discuss this alone without me." Pansy spoke, "I bloody hell wouldn't like to know when I will be bloody dying. I wouldn't want to anticipate my death. Now if you will please excuse me, I will just go home now. Thank You." Pansy nodded her head and walked out of the office.
'I'm dying' Pansy thought to herself. 'How can such a horrible thing happen to me'
Pansy's world was turning upside down. The year has been awful, she lost friends, she lost the one she loved the most and now she was dying. For what seemed like a long time, she threw herself on her bed and cried.
***
My soul has now fled
It's my body alone. It's far too much hurt,
For my heart to come home.
She stepped into the school, a new day, a new week, a New Year, and her last year in Hogwarts. Everyone was excited and anxious dying to know what will happen to them when they graduate, what will happen to them after they step out of Hogwarts, dying to know what will happen when real life begins. For Pansy, she was just dying, and her life was ending.
She had been brushing her hair nowadays but she always tied it in a neat half ponytail. She wore no make up only lip-gloss, and she had changed her wardrobe. She always wore a plaid skirt in green with a white blouse underneath her perfectly ironed robes or flared tight fitting jeans and a loose green sweater with Pansy written in silver. She was so plain and she hadn't the need of anyone. She was always in the library reading or studying or in her room during free time. No one paid attention to her except for her fellow Slytherins, yet she didn't care. She liked the feeling of being alone. She was head girl that year and to her, serving the school was a better way to die. She chose to be "real" rather than be popular and superficial. She chose to be quiet and non-judgmental rather than loud and talked about badly. She chose to be kind and do stuff for others and die being remembered for the things she did for others rather than what she did for herself.
She walked into the Great Hall to see Hermione and Draco flirting and holding hands, she couldn't take it. She sat next to Blaise, who wore a dark red blouse and plaid red skirt. Blaise was nibbling (not biting..) on her red nails.
"Hey." Blaise smiled, "you look sick."
"I am. thanks for noticing though." Pansy rolled her eyes. She pushed her plate away drank her juice stood up, "It's to sappy in here." She looked at Draco and Hermione, Ron and Lavender, Ginny and Seamus, Blaise and Mark, Crabbe and Millicent. This was all too much for a dying girl to handle.
"See ya 'round Pansy!" Blaise shrugged and looked back at her boyfriend.
"Oh. I'll be around." Pansy huffed and walked out.
As Pansy walked out she pulled out her white hanky and coughed into it, spitting blood. She held onto the wall and felt like she was disappearing. She closed her eyes just for a second and sighed.
"Parkinson?" she heard a vaguely familiar voice, "Are you okay?"
"Potter?" she turned to see Harry Potter staring straight at her, "Yeah I'm fine."
"No you are not. This past year you've been acting depressed. Everyone has noticed that."
"Typical. You think you all know everything." She shrugged not noticing she dropped her hanky.
"Parkinson. Wait you dropped your bloody hanky." Harry stared at it, "Blimey! Parkinson! Are you sick?" she turned to him and looked like she was about to cry.
"Don't tell anyone. please. Harry I'm begging you." She cried grabbing his shirt her face close to his, "I'm dying, please don't tell anyone."
"But you have to tell someone. Have you gone.."
"Yes. we have gone to the muggle doctor there is no cure. Not even magic can help. Please promise me you won't tell. anyone." She begged.
Harry hesitated and nodded while handing her the hanky back, "Why are you always alone?" He asked out of curiosity.
"Sometimes being alone is a lot easier, because that way no one can hurt you." She wiped her eyes daintily and walked towards the lake. Harry shrugged intrigued at the thing that just happened to him. He sighed and walked into the Great Hall.
He stood in front of Draco. He couldn't tell him, he promised. He just smiled and sat down trying to enjoy his breakfast.
~*~*~*~*~
Hermione sat alone in front of the fire in the common room of Gryffindor. She was quiet wondering what Draco said to Pansy. Then she heard the portrait door creak open. Draco walked inside his face looked sad and depressed. Hermione stood up.
"She's. dying. I can't believe it. She is dying." Draco fell to his knees and began to cry. Hermione couldn't stand to see him cry. She bent down and he rested his head on her chest listening to her heartbeat.
"Oh God baby. I don't know what to do." Draco cried his body shaking,
"Draco. shh. I don't know what to do either." Hermione admitted. She had to admit she did feel hopeless. Draco stared into her eyes and she smiled.
He thought that it was his fault why Pansy was dying but he knew that somehow even if he did sound like a jerk, as long as Hermione was with him it was worth it.
"Draco, I love you no matter what." Hermione kissed him on the forehead, "Go do what you have to do." She kissed him on the lips hugging him, never letting him go. He pulled away and looked into her brown eyes.
"I love you and if I told you that I would be hanging out with Pansy for the next few days you wouldn't be mad?" Draco asked worried.
"I'd be jealous but knowing deep in my heart how much you love me is enough to keep me satisfied." She chuckled. The next thing they knew they were on the couch, making out like they would never live to see each other again.
***
Pansy sat in the library, her headaches had been getting worse and her face was pale. Every time she would try to inhale she had to inhale real long and exhale real slow. She took her asthma pump put it on her lips and inhaled the bitter air. It helped her a little bit.
She saw Draco walk in and she remembered the first time she saw him with Hermione.
~*~*~*~
"Hermione." he whispered his face was so close to her, "I. I think. no I don't think, uhm. wait I do but what I mean is. no wait. yeah. oh blimey!"
Hermione giggled, "What?"
"I think I'm falling for you." he whispered his cheeks growing hot.
"Oh. but would it change if I told you. I have fallen for you?" she said looking at the ground.
"Oh. well.." Draco whispered, "I'm." he couldn't help it anymore he reached over and kissed Hermione on the lips after what seemed like forever she responded and pulled him close to her, her back against the wall.
Pansy just sat there in the small dark end corner of the room, silent tears falling down her cheeks. 'Great. bad timing.' by that time Draco was leaning on the wall. Pansy stood up and walked silently out of the room trying hard not to get noticed. She looked over her shoulder and met Draco's silver eyes. She shook her head put her pointer finger to her lips as if to shush him and walked out of the door.
Draco stared still kissing Hermione. 'What have you done?!?' he thought to himself.
"Draco?" Hermione whispered, " I love you."
"I love you too.." he looked into her eyes.
"Does that mean we're official?" she asked blushing furiously.
"Not yet." He whispered sadly, "I have some unfinished business." He smiled, "But in our way. yeah. I guess we are." and she smiled up at him. She stood on her toes and kissed him.
"Night Draco. I love you." She smiled and walked out of the door. Draco followed, so many things crossing his thoughts but Pansy's light green eyes haunted his mind.
***
He walked out of the room to see Pansy's retreating back shaking furiously. He ran to her. She stopped dead on her tracks sensing him and he stopped just right behind her. She turned to look at him with tear stained cheeks.
"I knew it. somehow I sensed it." She whispered, "I thought I was fooling myself. But I realized that too late."
"Pansy. I just. I don't know what to do." Draco felt like he was about to cry, "When I see her I feel like I love her but when I see you I love you and then things just get mixed up from there."
"Sure it does, but everyone can see it Draco." she said, "You've got it bad." and she sobbed uncontrollably, he reached to touch her shoulder, "No. please. I know who you are going to choose."
"Uhm." he couldn't say anything.
"You can't have two." Pansy whispered, "It's either one gets hurt from the three of us or all of us go down together, you don't want that so I'm offering. Let me be the one."
"Pansy." he whispered, "I'm."
"Shhh. can you hear that?" she asked looking straight into his eyes.
"What?" he asked, worried wondering if Hermione made it to the Gryffindor common room.
She put his hand on her chest where her heart was, "It's my heart breaking." she walked away not looking back.
~*~*~*~
"Hey Pansy!" Draco smiled at her, "What's up?"
"Nothing just reading." she whispered and then coughed into her hanky spitting out blood.
Draco looked horrified, "Pansy. I. oh my God?!?"
"Hush it." she hissed, "No one knows and I like it that way. so just please."
"I just can't watch you die like this. is there anyway?" she shook her head.
"I'm dying.. You'll get over it, just like you did the last time." She whispered bluntly.
"God Pansy. that hurt. that really hurt." He whispered.
"God Draco don't start talking about hurt and shit because you know nothing of it." She whispered harshly and picked up her books, "Frankly I don't care anymore." And walked out of the library leaving her notebook behind on a page.
Draco picked it up and read the open page.
Depressed Again
It's been a bad day I'm getting used to it now. Another sad day,
I'd cry but I don't know how.
I'm drowning in thoughts,
Of how things used to be. My chest was shut tight,
Complete with purity.
It's out in the open
should've kept it to myself,
I'll learn from my mistakes
Take my heart off the shelf.
My soul has now fled
It's my body alone. It's far too much hurt,
For my heart to come home.
I give it up now,
There's no way to win.
Without you here, My world still spins.
It's been a bad day, I try not to let it show. Another sad day,
And I'm just letting go.
Pansy felt her bag trying to look for her notebook, "Oh! Dog gone it." she turned to make her way back to the library when she came face to face with Draco.
"Can't we just talk without biting off each others head?" he asked the notebook in his hand. She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow, "look it would really mean a lot to me if we, you know start from scratch." She snatched the little notebook from his hands and gave him a fake grin.
"And I'm supposed to say." Pansy said making a gesture with her hand holding the notebook.
"Why, why is it so hard to make you believe me?" Draco asked reaching over and grabbing her elbow.
"Because I did. Once and I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. You wouldn't want to have Hermione break your heart before you die now would you?"
"That's a different thing." he began shaking his pointer finger at her face. She put it away from her face.
"No it isn't. don't you get it Draco?" she huffed yanking herself from his grasp, "Think about it. you've only started talking to me when you found out I was dying. How am I supposed to believe that you actually care about me when the fact is the past year I had been disappearing from the world. Don't you realize? I am not the Pansy you used to know. Face it Draco it's too late. she's dead." She stared into his face as realization hit him.
"I'm sorry Pansy I didn't know."
"There that's right. you didn't know. You never knew!"
"Would you at least let me finish my bloody sentences before you start jumping into things and telling me these things. I am asking. no I am begging you to at least accept my apology." Pansy hesitated.
"Alright." she shrugged and walked away not knowing what else to say. The next thing she knew Draco was walking her to her head girl quarters.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A/N: So what? Please keep those reviews coming.. tell your readers and you reader's to tell their readers to read this. please!!!!! It's the least you could do next to reviewing. I need to know. should Pansy die or some miracle happens that keeps her alive and she ends up happy with someone else? I need to know badly!!!!!!!
Love always, Mrs. Ventimiglia (
A/n: OOOOooooOOOOhhhh I am oh so, oh so, glad! Oh. you made a girl happy! Thanks. *mwah* I hope you really do like this story. oh and I hope you like the poems too.. the poem here belongs to Kodye. I can very much relate to this sad poem. it's really depressing. ( The title of the poem is Depressed again. Reminder: poem 'thoughts' ~*~*~*~ flashback ~*~*~*~ ***break*** Disclaimer: I don't own anything just the plot. J.K Rowling does but I do not. The poem being used here does not belong to me But please review all the same to keep me a lil' happy (
One Last Time
Dying: The Confrontation
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It's been a bad day I'm getting used to it now. Another sad day,
I'd cry but I don't know how.
Pansy stared into her reflection, as her own blank lifeless eyes stared back at her.
"So ugly.." she whispered.
She wanted to cry so badly, but when she thought back at what happened the night before, she cried in front of Granger, she hugged a Gryffindor and she in one night became a best friend to a mudblood. Her father always told her, a person who cries is weak, and it's okay to cry, unless you are weak. She wasn't weak.
'I'm not weak, I'm not. I'm. I'm.' she thought to herself.
"Hopeless." she sighed and tossed a rock into the lake watching her reflection ripple and fade away. She waited for the water to settle and when it did she stared into a familiar face. Those cheekbones, those lips, were all so familiar to her yet she forgot what it was like. She gasped and put her hand to her mouth.
"Merlin's beard!" she shrieked to face Draco staring into his sparkling silver eyes, "You almost gave me a heart attack, blimey!"
"Pansy. you've been keeping something from me." he whispered inching towards her.
"I. Have. Not." She said emphasizing each and every word,
"Yes." he put his hand one her arm, "Yes, you have." He inched one more step closer, she backed away as if his closeness was about to squeeze her shut. She felt dizzy, her sickness was slowly taking her over, minute by minute. She held onto the rock for balance and looked away.
"I have, so what?!" she exclaimed, "Yeah so what? Why should you care? I mean. Hello? You didn't care when I walked away that day 11 months, three weeks, and two days ago, you didn't care because if you did you would have gone after me. You would have asked me to stay."
"No. I did?!? You were so selfish Pansy that you locked yourself up and the whole world was there, watching you. So selfish that when I walk up to you, you tell me to forget anything happened between us. You were my life Pansy, I tried to make things work and you still pushed me away." He said a angrily, he took a deep breath and sighed staring straight into her hard green eyes.
"You see. I was." she said softly, "I was your life. you are the one who's selfish, because I was the one who suffered! I tried to be happy and I wanted you to see that, but you have to come and smile at me like nothing ever happened between us. You are the one who's the selfish prat with an umbrella stuck up his arse. You are the one who's selfish! You think I don't know what you think about me whenever I talk to Hermione you always tell her quote on quote "Don't listen to that stuck up no good bitch" you think I don't hear you? I know you too well.. Now here I am standing in front of you while you already know that I. Am. Dying. And you are calling me selfish!"
He was about to speak she cut him off, "I'm sorry I never was quite the angel that took your heart away, I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect girl friend, I'm sorry I did not make you happy enough to stay, I'm sorry I shut myself out. it was the only way to get out of this world, to get out of this pain" she started to cry, "I'm sorry for all the stupid stuff I said the past year, but you see. I'm not sorry for, ever, ever loving you at all. I'm not sorry for being in a relationship, the best one I have ever had well probably the only one, I'm not sorry Draco because I loved you, I'm sorry that up to now though you do not know, that I still love you." She was crying uncontrollably now she stared at him, "your eyes. my eyes, the twinkle is gone. you took them when you loved her. Now it's gone." She buried her face in her hands.
Draco stared at the scene that unfolded in front of him. A whole year for her to admit what she had been keeping for a long time. She stood there her face buried in her hands, her body shaking, he reached over and touched her shoulder. She looked up into his face tears rolling down her cheeks, eyes sore and red. She was so sad, and he couldn't let her spend her last days on earth like this. Without another thought he pulled her into his arms, his body, shaking with concern and care. He hugged her so tight and never wanted her to let go for what seemed like a minute she finally got the strength to hug him back with much more strength than he did they stood there like that.
"Pansy, you were my life and you still are along with Herm. I loved you because you were my life, I still love you now very much with all my heart. I love you Pansy. Just not the way you want me to." She released her grip and looked down her head leaning on his chest looking at her feet. She felt his chest rise up and down.
"I know, I can feel it when I hug you, when I look at you even as you speak those words. I know, I have accepted it that you love her and not me, the only thing I can't accept is why I still love you." She looked up at him and brought her hands to his face. She touched his cheek lightly caressing it with her thumb, her hands were cold, soft and clammy. Her nails were neatly long and painted with clear nail polish. She moved closer to him and brushed his hair out with her fingers, she twisted it gently as if trying to remember those few nights they spent together. She closed her eyes and watched as vision of their time together flashed like pictures. Their faces were so close that he could smell her sweet watermelon peppermint breath on his face. She didn't move to kiss him, she moved as if she were a blind woman searching in a friend's face. She touched his soft lips and though she longed for it, she shook her head, she touched her own and sighed- eyes still closed. She brought it to his eyes, then his nose and then back to his cheek again. She opened her eyes, her green ones staring into his own, silvery blue ones. She tilted her head to one side.
"Your eyes.." she tiptoed and when she was at eye level she moved so close to him that their lips were almost touching, he wanted to kiss her to make her feel better but she spoke, "So full of love. not for me. not for me. " she whispered her breath blowing into his face.
"Pansy." he looked at her not moving.
"Draco I can't get over it, get over us, everywhere I turn has a special memory even if it's short and pathetic it still has you in it" she whispered, "I memorize every place we went to and each and everything that happened. So precious to me, you know that?" she sighed and stepped back and back to her normal height. " Listen to me. I sound like a psychotic freak. I have to get in now.. It's cold and I have to rest."
Draco pulled off his coat and wrapped it around her while drawing her in for a hug. Her tears wet his shirt and she looked up at him. "I want to do something, just the two of us. Next weekend, Hermione is not going to be here because she is spending the weekend with Potter and Weasley. Just the two of us." He looked down at her beautiful sad loving face. He kissed her forehead, "Take care now okay. I love you friend. Good night." He whispered and kissed her forehead again.
"Yeah." she whispered, "friend.best friend." She said and walked back into the castle disappearing from his view.
Pansy stared at the mirror long and hard thinking about what had happened awhile ago.
I'm drowning in thoughts,
Of how things used to be. My chest was shut tight,
Complete with purity.
She picked up her brush and began brushing it one hundred times like she used to. One her 98th count she was too tired, too weak, her bones ached. She walked over to her bed and lay down on the soft comforter and pulled the wool blanket over her up to her chin. For what seemed like an entire year she finally fell asleep.
~*~*~*~
It's out in the open
Should've kept to myself.
I'll learn from my mistakes
Take my heart off the shelf.
Pansy stepped into her room, she just came from the hospital.
"Adenocarcinoma, it's a form of lung cancer. It is said in your medical records that you had pneumonia when you were ten and you have asthma right? Well since you had asthma and then you had pneumonia, which therefore weakened your lungs. Then you, I suppose, were exposed to second hand smoking since both of your parents smoke. Your lung cancer metastasized, or spread, through the bloodstream or lymphatic system to your other tissues. More than 50 percent of people newly diagnosed for lung cancer already show signs of cancer elsewhere in the body." The doctor said smartly with his hands folded neatly on the table.
"You mean the cancer has spread?" her mother asked worriedly.
"Here is the results of the CAT scan she had a few weeks ago. We had her whole body done because, as you said that she had been coughing out blood and has been sickly for a few months now." The doctor handed her mother the few X-ray sheets he held in his hand, "as you can see here, this little white spot that is the tumor in her lung." He then pulled out another three and handed it to her mother, "These are her knee caps and this is her laryngeal area and her leg bones. It shows that the tumor, which came from the lungs, had spread. Don't worry this is a cancer of any kind but it will affect your child's walking, ability to stand and talk."
Her mother began to tear, "is t-t-t-th-the-there anything. anything" she started to cry.
"Mother." Pansy stated sternly. Embarrassed at the scene her mother was displaying.
"If you told us earlier we would have, could have done the treatment. But since we did a Biopsy, we are regretfully sorry to say that your daughter's tumor is malignant. There is nothing we can do but hope for a miracle."
"How long. how long will she live?" her father asked finally speaking up.
"I prefer you guys would discuss this alone without me." Pansy spoke, "I bloody hell wouldn't like to know when I will be bloody dying. I wouldn't want to anticipate my death. Now if you will please excuse me, I will just go home now. Thank You." Pansy nodded her head and walked out of the office.
'I'm dying' Pansy thought to herself. 'How can such a horrible thing happen to me'
Pansy's world was turning upside down. The year has been awful, she lost friends, she lost the one she loved the most and now she was dying. For what seemed like a long time, she threw herself on her bed and cried.
***
My soul has now fled
It's my body alone. It's far too much hurt,
For my heart to come home.
She stepped into the school, a new day, a new week, a New Year, and her last year in Hogwarts. Everyone was excited and anxious dying to know what will happen to them when they graduate, what will happen to them after they step out of Hogwarts, dying to know what will happen when real life begins. For Pansy, she was just dying, and her life was ending.
She had been brushing her hair nowadays but she always tied it in a neat half ponytail. She wore no make up only lip-gloss, and she had changed her wardrobe. She always wore a plaid skirt in green with a white blouse underneath her perfectly ironed robes or flared tight fitting jeans and a loose green sweater with Pansy written in silver. She was so plain and she hadn't the need of anyone. She was always in the library reading or studying or in her room during free time. No one paid attention to her except for her fellow Slytherins, yet she didn't care. She liked the feeling of being alone. She was head girl that year and to her, serving the school was a better way to die. She chose to be "real" rather than be popular and superficial. She chose to be quiet and non-judgmental rather than loud and talked about badly. She chose to be kind and do stuff for others and die being remembered for the things she did for others rather than what she did for herself.
She walked into the Great Hall to see Hermione and Draco flirting and holding hands, she couldn't take it. She sat next to Blaise, who wore a dark red blouse and plaid red skirt. Blaise was nibbling (not biting..) on her red nails.
"Hey." Blaise smiled, "you look sick."
"I am. thanks for noticing though." Pansy rolled her eyes. She pushed her plate away drank her juice stood up, "It's to sappy in here." She looked at Draco and Hermione, Ron and Lavender, Ginny and Seamus, Blaise and Mark, Crabbe and Millicent. This was all too much for a dying girl to handle.
"See ya 'round Pansy!" Blaise shrugged and looked back at her boyfriend.
"Oh. I'll be around." Pansy huffed and walked out.
As Pansy walked out she pulled out her white hanky and coughed into it, spitting blood. She held onto the wall and felt like she was disappearing. She closed her eyes just for a second and sighed.
"Parkinson?" she heard a vaguely familiar voice, "Are you okay?"
"Potter?" she turned to see Harry Potter staring straight at her, "Yeah I'm fine."
"No you are not. This past year you've been acting depressed. Everyone has noticed that."
"Typical. You think you all know everything." She shrugged not noticing she dropped her hanky.
"Parkinson. Wait you dropped your bloody hanky." Harry stared at it, "Blimey! Parkinson! Are you sick?" she turned to him and looked like she was about to cry.
"Don't tell anyone. please. Harry I'm begging you." She cried grabbing his shirt her face close to his, "I'm dying, please don't tell anyone."
"But you have to tell someone. Have you gone.."
"Yes. we have gone to the muggle doctor there is no cure. Not even magic can help. Please promise me you won't tell. anyone." She begged.
Harry hesitated and nodded while handing her the hanky back, "Why are you always alone?" He asked out of curiosity.
"Sometimes being alone is a lot easier, because that way no one can hurt you." She wiped her eyes daintily and walked towards the lake. Harry shrugged intrigued at the thing that just happened to him. He sighed and walked into the Great Hall.
He stood in front of Draco. He couldn't tell him, he promised. He just smiled and sat down trying to enjoy his breakfast.
~*~*~*~*~
Hermione sat alone in front of the fire in the common room of Gryffindor. She was quiet wondering what Draco said to Pansy. Then she heard the portrait door creak open. Draco walked inside his face looked sad and depressed. Hermione stood up.
"She's. dying. I can't believe it. She is dying." Draco fell to his knees and began to cry. Hermione couldn't stand to see him cry. She bent down and he rested his head on her chest listening to her heartbeat.
"Oh God baby. I don't know what to do." Draco cried his body shaking,
"Draco. shh. I don't know what to do either." Hermione admitted. She had to admit she did feel hopeless. Draco stared into her eyes and she smiled.
He thought that it was his fault why Pansy was dying but he knew that somehow even if he did sound like a jerk, as long as Hermione was with him it was worth it.
"Draco, I love you no matter what." Hermione kissed him on the forehead, "Go do what you have to do." She kissed him on the lips hugging him, never letting him go. He pulled away and looked into her brown eyes.
"I love you and if I told you that I would be hanging out with Pansy for the next few days you wouldn't be mad?" Draco asked worried.
"I'd be jealous but knowing deep in my heart how much you love me is enough to keep me satisfied." She chuckled. The next thing they knew they were on the couch, making out like they would never live to see each other again.
***
Pansy sat in the library, her headaches had been getting worse and her face was pale. Every time she would try to inhale she had to inhale real long and exhale real slow. She took her asthma pump put it on her lips and inhaled the bitter air. It helped her a little bit.
She saw Draco walk in and she remembered the first time she saw him with Hermione.
~*~*~*~
"Hermione." he whispered his face was so close to her, "I. I think. no I don't think, uhm. wait I do but what I mean is. no wait. yeah. oh blimey!"
Hermione giggled, "What?"
"I think I'm falling for you." he whispered his cheeks growing hot.
"Oh. but would it change if I told you. I have fallen for you?" she said looking at the ground.
"Oh. well.." Draco whispered, "I'm." he couldn't help it anymore he reached over and kissed Hermione on the lips after what seemed like forever she responded and pulled him close to her, her back against the wall.
Pansy just sat there in the small dark end corner of the room, silent tears falling down her cheeks. 'Great. bad timing.' by that time Draco was leaning on the wall. Pansy stood up and walked silently out of the room trying hard not to get noticed. She looked over her shoulder and met Draco's silver eyes. She shook her head put her pointer finger to her lips as if to shush him and walked out of the door.
Draco stared still kissing Hermione. 'What have you done?!?' he thought to himself.
"Draco?" Hermione whispered, " I love you."
"I love you too.." he looked into her eyes.
"Does that mean we're official?" she asked blushing furiously.
"Not yet." He whispered sadly, "I have some unfinished business." He smiled, "But in our way. yeah. I guess we are." and she smiled up at him. She stood on her toes and kissed him.
"Night Draco. I love you." She smiled and walked out of the door. Draco followed, so many things crossing his thoughts but Pansy's light green eyes haunted his mind.
***
He walked out of the room to see Pansy's retreating back shaking furiously. He ran to her. She stopped dead on her tracks sensing him and he stopped just right behind her. She turned to look at him with tear stained cheeks.
"I knew it. somehow I sensed it." She whispered, "I thought I was fooling myself. But I realized that too late."
"Pansy. I just. I don't know what to do." Draco felt like he was about to cry, "When I see her I feel like I love her but when I see you I love you and then things just get mixed up from there."
"Sure it does, but everyone can see it Draco." she said, "You've got it bad." and she sobbed uncontrollably, he reached to touch her shoulder, "No. please. I know who you are going to choose."
"Uhm." he couldn't say anything.
"You can't have two." Pansy whispered, "It's either one gets hurt from the three of us or all of us go down together, you don't want that so I'm offering. Let me be the one."
"Pansy." he whispered, "I'm."
"Shhh. can you hear that?" she asked looking straight into his eyes.
"What?" he asked, worried wondering if Hermione made it to the Gryffindor common room.
She put his hand on her chest where her heart was, "It's my heart breaking." she walked away not looking back.
~*~*~*~
"Hey Pansy!" Draco smiled at her, "What's up?"
"Nothing just reading." she whispered and then coughed into her hanky spitting out blood.
Draco looked horrified, "Pansy. I. oh my God?!?"
"Hush it." she hissed, "No one knows and I like it that way. so just please."
"I just can't watch you die like this. is there anyway?" she shook her head.
"I'm dying.. You'll get over it, just like you did the last time." She whispered bluntly.
"God Pansy. that hurt. that really hurt." He whispered.
"God Draco don't start talking about hurt and shit because you know nothing of it." She whispered harshly and picked up her books, "Frankly I don't care anymore." And walked out of the library leaving her notebook behind on a page.
Draco picked it up and read the open page.
Depressed Again
It's been a bad day I'm getting used to it now. Another sad day,
I'd cry but I don't know how.
I'm drowning in thoughts,
Of how things used to be. My chest was shut tight,
Complete with purity.
It's out in the open
should've kept it to myself,
I'll learn from my mistakes
Take my heart off the shelf.
My soul has now fled
It's my body alone. It's far too much hurt,
For my heart to come home.
I give it up now,
There's no way to win.
Without you here, My world still spins.
It's been a bad day, I try not to let it show. Another sad day,
And I'm just letting go.
Pansy felt her bag trying to look for her notebook, "Oh! Dog gone it." she turned to make her way back to the library when she came face to face with Draco.
"Can't we just talk without biting off each others head?" he asked the notebook in his hand. She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow, "look it would really mean a lot to me if we, you know start from scratch." She snatched the little notebook from his hands and gave him a fake grin.
"And I'm supposed to say." Pansy said making a gesture with her hand holding the notebook.
"Why, why is it so hard to make you believe me?" Draco asked reaching over and grabbing her elbow.
"Because I did. Once and I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. You wouldn't want to have Hermione break your heart before you die now would you?"
"That's a different thing." he began shaking his pointer finger at her face. She put it away from her face.
"No it isn't. don't you get it Draco?" she huffed yanking herself from his grasp, "Think about it. you've only started talking to me when you found out I was dying. How am I supposed to believe that you actually care about me when the fact is the past year I had been disappearing from the world. Don't you realize? I am not the Pansy you used to know. Face it Draco it's too late. she's dead." She stared into his face as realization hit him.
"I'm sorry Pansy I didn't know."
"There that's right. you didn't know. You never knew!"
"Would you at least let me finish my bloody sentences before you start jumping into things and telling me these things. I am asking. no I am begging you to at least accept my apology." Pansy hesitated.
"Alright." she shrugged and walked away not knowing what else to say. The next thing she knew Draco was walking her to her head girl quarters.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A/N: So what? Please keep those reviews coming.. tell your readers and you reader's to tell their readers to read this. please!!!!! It's the least you could do next to reviewing. I need to know. should Pansy die or some miracle happens that keeps her alive and she ends up happy with someone else? I need to know badly!!!!!!!
Love always, Mrs. Ventimiglia (