8. [ Pride and Prejudice ]
It were the longest two hours that Severus Snape had ever had to endure in his life and he was counting the times when he spend the same amount of hours under cruciatus curse. He was prowling the living room from one end to the other always trying to tell himself that he wasn't to interfere. Albus had told him as much insisting that it was the only way to ensure that maybe, he couldn't even say if at all, they would find a way to find that valuable weapon to defeat Voldemort.
Right now he didn't care very much if Hermione could find Merlin himself, she was his wife damnit and he would not allow for anything to harm her. In Slytherin he had learned a very traditional way of thinking about marriage. It wasn't that women had no rights, no far from it, it was more that Slytherin's men treated their wives like precious jewellery. They were to be taken care of and valued and in this he had always been very Slytherin. He didn't care much that it was no real wedding- she was his wife and that was all that counted in the end. She was now a Snape, a part of a once very respected and wealthy family. Well they were still pretty wealthy but since most Snapes had been involved with Voldemort they were either dead or in Azkaban.
Sighing he stared at a huge wooden clock in the corner and noticed that it was long after midnight. According to Dumbledore she would not be gone longer than two hours and right now she was gone two hours and twelve minutes indeed. Running his hands through his hair that was messed up completely he wondered what was taking her so long. The headmaster had insisted that she was in no danger in the chamber but he hadn't told him what she was doing inside. Typically he preferred to leave him in the darkness instead of telling him what his wife was doing in a rotten chamber, which he had never noticed, in the dungeons after midnight.
Maybe he was using the term "my wife" a tad often but truth be told he was worried. Something he would never admit in front of anybody else but he somewhere inside didn't want anything to happen to Hermione Granger. No, Hermione Snape he corrected himself feeling a strange kind of pride inside. It angered him that he felt so strongly about it because for years he had perfected to detach himself from everybody and everything. The only thing that was important for him was survival- first to survive his father and the curses and hexes that regularly put him in his place, then survive Hogwarts and Black of all people who so callously repeated to put him where he belonged and then survive the disaster of Voldemort. At the moment he tried in vain to keep his heart under the rock it had crawled under for comfort so many years ago but the girl made it almost impossible to do so. She had something about her that made him want to rather crawl inside her and hide there.
"Romantic nonsense!" His own voice sounded strange in the empty room and he sank down into one of the arm chairs. How he wished for a glass of fire whiskey right now! Just to numb him and to get rid of the emotions, the worries and the thoughts.
The picture of his father appeared in front of his inner eye and it still filled him with despair and fear. Yes the mighty powerful potions Master and brave spy was scared. He could recall easily the way in which his father had pointed his wand at the six year old boy and muttered an angry "Imperio". Strangely these days it wasn't the cruciatus curse that scared him but the imperius curse. His father had made sure that he would always feel like that. Just thinking about the voice of his father made cold sweat break out on his body and his breathing became laboured. Maybe this was what Neville Longbottom felt like when he was sitting in potions classes and he was intimidating him. Couldn't he see that he had to grow a back bone and soon if he wanted to survive the world in general?
Yes right, like you grew a back bone with your father?
Jumping up he went to the cup board and got him a glass. With trembling hands he opened the whiskey bottle stopping only when he saw his face in the small mirror above him. For a moment he was frozen and then he felt the rage cursing through his body like blood. His veins were filled with it, it pounded through his head taking all reason with it. Screaming but really more to suppress the tears he yanked the glass into the mirror glass and it splintered into a thousand pieces.
Why now of all times? Why was he to face this now?
He had buried his past with his father, the moment the tomb had disappeared into the ground he had breathed a sigh of release and turned his back on it all. But as all things he had come to realize that you couldn't burry it- you had to face it in the end.
"But I can't." It sounded weak, lost and a tremor went through the voice. He hated himself in times like this, he despised what he was.
How could he face the fact that it had been him who had wanted to take his rightful place and his father was always in the way. He had tried to talk with him about it, had pleased, and had crawled in the dirt only to hear him roar with insane laughter.
Compassion was something that wasn't valued in Slytherin and even less in his family. His father had put him under the cruciatus curse for hours after he has simply asked him if it was alright to like a muggle born witch. It had been his sixth year, at Christmas when he had finally turned into his father, had repeated his behaviour since it had always proved effective. He had recovered enough in the night and it was the first time he had used one of the Unforgivables. The green light had been blinding but freeing and the surge of power that went through him made him smile with pride. His father had done a good job in forming him into a true Snape, a true Slytherin. No compassion, no remorse, no love, his heart had turned into a shield protecting him from any weakness. The boy that had returned to Hogwarts after the break had been irreconcilably changed and he had never understood it until much later that in this moment when the killing curse had left his mouth he had become a Death Eater.
Staring into the now blinded mirror he tried to chase away the memories. Tried to make himself concentrate on the now and here but it was hard. It was hard to face up to your guilt, almost impossible. He had been cruel in the past, a true Slytherin.
"Severus."
Shit he hadn't heard the door open. He couldn't face her right now. Not now or ever.
Small steps were heard across the room and then a warm circle of arms embraced him and a small frame pressed against his backside.
I don't deserve this. If she knew what I have done she would run away screaming with horror.
"Don't be mad, please. I know I was out after curfew but you won't believe who I found….-"
"I cannot do this right now. I am sorry." He detangled himself from her embrace and with quick steps he disappeared into the sanctuary of his bedroom.
For a moment Hermione stood in front of the blinded mirror motionless. The pain was felt almost physically radiating off him in waves. But he wanted to be alone.
Respect his wish.
It was as simply as that. Who was she to force him into confiding in her. Hermione stood in the slowly darkening room for some more minutes until she went to get some sleep.
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The next morning found Hermione strangely reluctant to get up and so she staid in bed for a while trying to collect enough of her courage to face her Gryffindor housemates. Here in the dungeons everything was easy- Snape took her the way she was and mostly he was even civil- at least when he wasn't destroying mirrors, she added mentally. Last night had worried her more than she was ready to admit. It had been instinct to embrace him when he stood in the middle of the broken mirror glass all tensed up and obviously very distressed over something. Maybe it had been a mistake, maybe he had felt threatened by her. Maybe he had even been angry about her being out after curfew.
Sighing she got up knowing that she wouldn't solve any of her problems by staying in bed. Or being late for her first class whatever that was. Since she hadn't been in the great hall last night, she had absolutely no idea how her schedule looked this year. She could of course ask Snape but somehow she doubted he would even want to see her after last night.
When she had taken a shower she brushed her hair and clipped it back into a pony tail. Bracing her shoulders she looked at herself in her Gryffindor robe and tried to look confidant but failed miserably.
I look like I didn't sleep much. Which was true but she didn't want anybody to know. She wanted to walk through the great hall with pride and she wanted to carry the name Snape with the same pride as her husband. Again it struck her how alien the word husband sounded in combination with the word 'my'. She tried it again. My husband. Not bad, now loud.
"My husband." She grimaced but knew she needed that. She had to get used to saying that. "Severus Snape, my husband."
"Indeed."
She spun around and saw the dark figure of her husband leaning against the door frame to the living room. His eyes looked almost hazelnut today, with some amusement thrown in and the corners of his eyes crinkled slightly when a tiny smile on his features transformed his face into something she had never seen before. He was relaxed she could see that and the way he leaned against the wood was almost sensual.
"I was practising." She smiled shortly and then motioned to the living room. "Are you up for long already?"
He pushed himself away from the door and shook his head. "No I only awoke two hours ago. Are you ready to face the pack?"
She nodded mutely and together they left the room through the main door. In the dungeons they were the only people around since the Slytherins mostly used a different stairway to avoid their head of house in the morning.
Snape pulled something out of his robes and handed her a parchment.
"I forgot to give you this yesterday. It's your timetable. Minerva gave it to me."
"Thanks." She took the parchment and had a quick look at it. She would major in potions and arithmacy this year so she had both classes four times a week as a double. Then she had chosen transfiguration, charms and history of magic as minor subjects so she would have them two times a week as doubles. This left enough time to study and to attend Care of Magical Creatures which she had promised Harry at the end of last year. She would start with charms this morning and later she had potions.
Casting a short look to her professor she saw that he was climbing the stairs in silence looking ahead. She saw the dark circles under his eyes and he appeared even paler than ever so she knew he had lied to her about his sleep. He was up probably up most of the night and she would take the time later and ask him if he wanted to talk about it. She had to try at least, to make him see that she cared. No matter how angry or livid he would get she cared and she would show it. He probably had too little people really caring about him.
She had reached the entrance hall and met the first students. They looked at her curiously and some Gryffindors even greeted her. Relieved she noticed that people seemed to accept Dumbledore's explanation without any mistrust. She exhaled and even got a tiny smile to appear on her face.
"I told you Albus would handle things." His voice was so soft that only she could hear him but she heard the teasing in it.
She looked up at him and for a moment they shared a comfortable smile until she noticed out of the corner of her eyes that some students were staring. Somehow that made her angry. She would not behave like she disliked Snape, which she didn't.
Leaning up to a surprised head of Slytherin she hugged him shortly and stepped into the great hall.
"Bye. See you later in potions." A brilliant smile later she had disappeared into the crowd and Severus followed Albus beckoning him to the high table.
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„Good morning Severus." The headmaster's eyes twinkled as usual as the potions Master sat down at his place trying to appear not like Hermione had just startled the hell out of him.
He mumbled something unintelligible and stared ahead of himself into his dark coffee. He knew everybody was staring at him, the students and the teachers, because never in all his years here as professor had anybody dared to hug him in front of an audience. It was simply unheard of and he tried to make himself feel angry instead of flattered. But honestly he felt rather like grinning instead of hiding and looking up with a start he tried it.
It worked. Granted it felt unusual, his mouth ached from the effort and he felt almost awkward doing it but it worked and for the first time in over two decades the assembled student body and the teachers saw Severus Snape, Master of Potions, grin with satisfaction.
"I see Hermione had had some impact on you." Remus Lupin smiled and to his surprise his colleague simply nodded and began to attend to his breakfast.
This is going to be an interesting year for sure. Wonder if there is going to be much left of Severus after this year.
Turning his eyes into Hermione Granger's direction he winked at her and she waved back. Oh yes it would be a good year. Maybe even for Severus.
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After some curious questions when she had sat down everybody was already attending to more important issues like eating or talking about Lupin's new haircut and once again Hermione was eternally grateful about students' general disinterest in anything not involving themselves.
Harry and Ginny had accepted her back into the group without asking any questions, even Ron had made an effort and was even able to talk with her shortly about their double classes in charms. All in all it was an uneventful breakfast until Ginny giggled causing a rising of eye brows from Hermione and her two best friends.
"What's wrong Ginny?" Harry's voice sounded curious. He hoped it wasn't anything that had to with the almost-kiss they had unintentionally shared the last morning in the burrow….
"Oh, I am just watching Snape and he is grinning like some Cheshire cat." She had blushed a bit and added a whispered "And I never thought I would say that but he is sort of handsome isn't he?"
"Who? You don't mean Snape?" Ron had turned an interesting shade of purple and he was making jaw movements like a fish out of water.
"Yeah, Ginny's right." Harry observed leaning back after having finished his toast.
"W-what!" Ron looked like he would be physically ill any second.
"Yes, he is grinning. Have a look." Harry turned to his friend and looked at him concerned. "Are you okay?"
Ron nodded vigorously and looked into his bushy haired friend's direction lowering his voice. "I just thought you shared Ginny's opinion that he was all in a sudden… handsome." He finished the sentence with a slight gagging sound accompanying his last word.
"Oh come on Ronald Weasly, don't be a jerk. He is not the old greasy bat you always try to turn him into and when he is smiling it's kind of cute. It's not my problem that you obviously have too little self esteem to see and admit it." Ginny had turned a shade of pink knowing that half the Gryffindor table was listening now but still wanting to make her point. Weaslys in general were stubborn people.
"You are right, Ginny." Angelina Johnson raised her voice a bit and checked one last time at the head table to confirm her opinion. "He looks very different from his usual self and it makes him more likeable. We are still going to beat Slytherin this quidditch season by the way." Leaning back content with her statement some other girls confirmed it.
"Girls." In Ron's voice was a lot of disgust. "Honestly."
Nobody had noticed that Hermione hadn't said a word but Ginny. When the youngest Weasly looked at the silent girl next to her she saw gratitude in her eyes. And was there something like approval?
"You like him too when he is smiling right?" Ginny whispered and leaned to the girl next to her.
"As you said, it transforms him somehow into something … nice." Hermione sounded almost hesitant to admit it.
In this second a bored voice was heard from behind the girls. Draco Malfoy, naturally, wanted to take the opportunity to insult his favourite target.
"Hey Granger, interesting to see that you hug one of your professors." He smirked and looked obviously satisfied with his smart remark.
Hermione got up and looked to the head table. Snape looked angry and Dumbledore nodded at her as if giving permission for something.
"Oh I can assure that there is nothing wrong in hugging my husband Malfoy." Stunning the whole crowd she made two steps to the door being followed by her friends who had raised as one to give backup.
At the door Hermione turned around one last time grinning devilishly.
"Oh and Draco-" The whole great hall was silent so her words drifted to the high table undisturbed. "It's Snape from now on."
With that she left and the whole hall erupted into cheers and applause behind her.