Conscience of a Rat
Fifteen Minute Ficlet Challenge
1/1
by Kihin Ranno
PG
I have reached one very important conclusion in all of my years. Not that I've had a great number of years on this earth.... But then the entire point of my decision is so that I can have even more years on this earth. Survival of the fittest. Human preservation. Live for yourself. Don't indulge in worthless sacrifices because if you do, you're dead. And then you're useless. But if you give a few things up... Then you can go on living. And do something. Maybe it will be good. Maybe it won't be. But at least you're somehow contributing to something rather than just rotting under ground for the rest of your life.
No, this is not justification. It's not rationalization. It's the truth. I'm more use alive than dead. That's what they keep telling me. And they're changing so many things; they have to be right, don't they?
I mean, they're winning. Everyone knows that. Doesn't that mean that they're doing something right? And isn't it important to be on the winning side? Didn't James always laugh whenever I tried to tell him winning wasn't everything? Didn't Sirius hit me in jest and tell me how wrong I was, that winning was everything, and that I should stop listening to that fool mother of mine?
Remus would just shake his head though...
But yes, that's what they said to me... They said it themselves. And they're losing and still slaving away. Wouldn't it be easier just to change sides? That way they could win without so much effort. Wouldn't it all be easier? Then I wouldn't have to do this. Then I wouldn't have to... Have to.
No. I won't say that word. I'll never say that word. This isn't betrayal... It's something else. I don't know what it is. But it's something else. I'm not betraying them. I'm doing what they told me to do.
I'm not in denial. I know what I'm saying.
I know I'm right. In the end, I'll win. I'll survive. I'll change things. That's all that matters.
So what's this...? Guilt? I have nothing to be guilty about. I'm doing what they always told me to do.
I'm going to win. They always wanted to win. And for once I am going to win. I'm on the winning side now. They're going to lose...
But don't they want what's best for me? Don't they want me to win even if they lose? Isn't that what they want? Isn't it?
It has to be. They want me to win. They do.
James and Sirius were always so competitive. Always set to win a Quidditch match. Be the best in their class. Be the first to get a charm right or finish up a potion. They used to work together in potions class, beating the rest of us out before we could blink...
But they're selfless. Eventually they split up and Remus worked with Sirius and James worked with me. And then they raced each other, or that's what they said. Really, they just wanted to help Remus and me. They wanted what was best for Remus and me.
Now that's selflessness... A little stupid, but selfless.
They always put me before themselves. James always stuck up for me. Sirius beat up anyone who picked on me. And Remus was always there to understand me... He was the only one who did understand me. Only one who took the time to do it. James and Sirius thought they knew me, but they didn't...
I saw the suspicious looks Remus gave me. He thought something was up...
But he kept looking away. He would turn to Sirius and lose himself in him or go to Harry and play with him so he wouldn't have to look at me or debate something with James and Lily. He'd do anything to keep from looking at me. Anything so he wouldn't have to see the truth he already knew. The truth James and Lily and Sirius couldn't see. They didn't have the talent.
But Remus, he saw... He always saw. He sees more than most people like I do. We understood each other. We were both deceiving. He was a creature of the darkness living in the light. A kind man masking a raging beast. And I... Well, they all knew what I was. Am. Will always be.
I'm a rat.
They should have thought about that.
But they didn't.
Now they'll pay for not looking.
Or looking away.
No, I'm not bitter...
I just wish somebody would have noticed me besides Remus. Since Remus didn't do anything.
I don't really want to do this. I don't want to... I don't want to do it. I don't.
But what choice did they leave me?
They want me to win don't they?
I can't lose...
I'll lose with them.
So, I have to.
I have to do this.
I'm going to win this time.
They've always won.
I used to tell them that everyone has to lose eventually.
They never wanted to hear that.
They'll hear it now.
Oh yes, my conclusion... If there's one thing I've learned in all these years... Well, it entails all I've just said. You have to win no matter what. You have to survive no matter what. You have to do what you're told no matter what. But in short, what I've learned...
It all comes down to me.
Simple as that.
So, I'm not doing anything wrong…
Right?