This was a particularly difficult chapter to write, for many reasons and I am quite happy with the way it looks now. Much of that is due to my wonderful editor Carrie, who gets me back on the right track and she scolds me where it is necessary. As always, read and review.
16. [ Confrontations ]
The astronomy tower was dark except for the light provided from the quarter moon set low on the horizon, and the cold October night air breezing through the telescope guides caused shivers to go through her body. Hunching down on the floor next to one of the windows, pulling her school robes around her petite trembling frame, Hermione stared into the diamond dotted sky wondering to God why all this emotional torture was happening and if she could ever face Severus again after seeing his atrocities.
Still punch drunk from the emotional reeling, her logical faculties slowly began recovering as the cold numbed her senses. She knew he was an active Death Eater from time spent with the Order, knew he probably committed horrible offences and at times she honestly wondered what he had been like back in the past, if he really had shared Salazar Slytherin's sentiments about muggleborns or if he enjoyed torturing somebody without any remorse or mercy. Now she knew the answer and while that made her feel she had accomplished something, solving a riddle, she wished she'd never gained the knowledge She had never understood the saying that "ignorance is bliss" but right now leaning against the cold stone wall she understood the meaning.
Hermione Granger, the little know-it-all, the lover of learning and passionate resident of the library severely detested her newly ill-gained information- she was sure if Draco Malfoy were there he'd be flashing an evil grin...
Sighing she moved a bit to prevent her legs from becoming numb and let her hair fall over her eyes. Dumbledore was right- she had uttered words without knowing what they meant, had offered forgiveness when in reality she had no idea what they were for. Tonight had proven that she wasn't able to simply overlook his past and accept graciously the fact that he was no better than a Malfoy, that he had revelled in blood, and killed without mercy.
But a wrenching pain in her heart told her that it was more his muttered insult against her, against muggleborn witches, the way he had detested ever falling in love with her, that caused the cold empty aching in her chest. It sounded horrible, even to her, but it wasn't Zachary's death but Severus' biting commentary about her, about mudbloods, that was causing her pain. What if he never changed his mind about her? What if he had simply adapted to a life with her knowing that he had no other choice? What if he was incapable of loving her, because the truth, cold as the October night, revealed he never said those words? She just rolled on the floor staring up at the sky through teary eyes wishing she could die, it would end the hurt, despair, and emptiness.
Can I live without him? Would it matter really? I could simply return to the Gryffindor tower and forget about the whole bloody mess and damn the stupid prophecy. I could trea himt as if nothing had happened, with respect and politeness staying detached from him. Can I really do this?
No Grange,r I don't think you can. That would have been possible two weeks ago but not now. You glimpsed into his soul for too damn long and he is a part of you now. Damit, I am not that scared little girl from Grimauld Place! I can't go back. Not if it means leaving him.
She wanted to come to terms with his past, wanted to understand, wanted the chance to find out if he had changed and how. She wanted a life-time chance of getting to know the man that had been nothing more than a professor for her until this year but now she realized was essential for her happiness.
All in a sudden she sat up and her face set in stony determination. She had to find a way to add to the miserable knowledge store that was Severus' past, maybe then she would be able to understand him. If one piece of information doesn't make you any wiser then gain more. It was hardly fair to judge him on one singular event from his past, so she would learn more. But how?
"Maybe I can help you." The rich melancholy feminine voice was soft and deep, its directness suggested that it was used to commanding, that it used to give advice, and people listened to it.
Looking up Hermione groaned at the sight of another ghost, a woman sitting down across from her on the stone floor her legs tugged under and dressed in a floor length flowing emerald green robe, covering her completely with the exception of her bare feet. The translucent white cream coloured skin shining via the reflection of the October quarter moon. Her hair was shiny, long, and black as crows' feathers without any curl. The hair was almost down to her waist, and floated eerily like it was totally free from the affects of gravity, like she was underwater. Her face was not beautiful but classical like a Greek statue of Athena with strong features and a slightly hooked nose, which gave away her family origin.
The ghost's deep forest green eyes glittered with amusement as her mouth moulded into a sardonic smile belying the secrets that it contained. Her age was hard to guess, some wrinkles in her face gave away that she was probably in her late forties and the precious jewellery foretold her wealth.
"Why are you haunting me? Are you a Snape? " Hermione looked tired. So far she not met any of Severus' relatives and was eager to correct that but she didn't trust ghosts anymore since she had met that stupid Slytherin bastard in the dungeons.
"Yes, I am a Snape as are you, my dear." She answered and her eyes crinkled into a thousand lines as she smiled honestly pleased herself. "I am delighted to meet you finally after all these years, Hermione and I understand that I have to explain some matters. But first I think we should go and visit Severus."
Hermione crossed her arms and frowned. "I am not ready to talk with him yet, I need more time to think it all through."
"This is not about thinking or choice, things of the heart are not subject to the rules of logic. Severus has gone so deep into the depths of sorrow and is extremely upset the way events have out played and I have no idea what he is going to do now." the ghost sounded truthfully worried.
"Then why don't you go and talk with him. I am way to angry to face him after all of what I've seen and heard. I don't know how to deal with any of this."
The woman shook her head and smiled sadly. "I wish I could my dear but I am a ghost, an apparition bound only to you. I must follow you with no choice and I can't leave here without you."
Hermione stared curiously as the elder lady got up and floated two feet above the ground chuckling.
She returned to the floor and stepped to the tiny girl gripping her shoulder with surprising strength. "Listen to me, I am not supposed to tell you about the prophecy but I don't assume that Albus is going to keep his part of the bargain so I will simply bend the rules to my liking. If you do not leave here immediately and look for your husband than you might never have this chance again. Men are not very rational beings." She sighed. "Especially Snape men when it comes to emotions."
Confused Hermione stared at her and then she felt the necklace, which had been cold, and dead since she had left her bedroom come alive again under her touch. The stone was now bright almost like moonstone and burnt hot against her skin. He's in pain.
"He is hurting Hermione and what he needs is somebody convincing him that he is not an evil person. And he is not- I give you my word as a Snape." Forest green eyes bored into amber ones. "He has faltered and showed bad judgement, but he is a good man inside. He loves you even though he may never be able to tell you this being the stubborn bastard that he is, but right now only you can lead him away from the darkness he is falling victim to right now. Once in his life, he was hurting horribly and he turned to the dark side for comfort because none was available anyplace else, and tonight might prove as dangerous as then. Don't let this happen to him; don't let him go now that you have come so far." The ghost pleaded, almost too prideful to ask for help.
Wanting to ask a thousand questions but understanding the urgency in the woman's voice Hermione turned and headed out of the room. She had to find him before it was too late.
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„I don't understand it Harry. " Ron looked utterly shocked and helpless as he sat in the scarlet armchair curled up like a little child his red hair a mess.
It was the first thing that was said since they had returned here two hours ago and so far both had preferred to look into the flickering fire. Harry had played with Neville's Rememberall that they boy had obviously forgotten in here. Wonder if the Rememberall will be able to make him aware that he forgot it?
"Me neither." Harry's voice sounded as glum as Ron's and he sighed. "I mean a week ago it wouldn't have mattered, honestly. I hated Snape, he detested me, took house points, gave detentions and all was fine, happy, and normal."
"Exactly." Ron got up and paced in the deserted common room. "I mean it was as it was supposed to be. We are not supposed to like Snape or even feel any kind of positive feeling towards him but here we are!"
Rubbing his head tiredly Harry couldn't help but grin. "What are we really upset about, Ron? That something happened between Snape and Hermione or that we actually begin to like him?"
"Both I think." Ron shuffled as he stood by one of the windows. "Really, at the beginning of this summer if somebody had told me that Hermione would be married to Snape before the new school year began I would had them transported to St. Mungos in an instant. But now, all in a sudden, it makes perfect sense, I have seen them together and I came to understand. It's just not fair! What a bloody confusing mess this all is"
"In what sense?" Harry leaned his head against a pillow and realized how drowsy he was.
Ron spun around and put his hands in his pockets almost looking like he wanted to cry. "Snape is a bad guy, you know. We always assumed that while he was working for the Order that even now he was working secretly for you-know-who. And now that is all trashed."
Harry knew the feeling all too well. Maybe for him it didn't come as quite such a shock to understand that the bad guys were not always the ones aiming for your life and the good ones were not always saving the day. It had been the same in his first year. All the time he had suspected Snape of searching for the Philosopher's Stone and that sure knowledge had blinded him from even considering Quirrel as a suspect. In his second year Lockhart had seemed like a hero to some of his schoolmates but in the end he had been nothing but a lying coward and cheat, who'd been willing to use memory charms to prevent them from destroying his public image. Sirius, and even thinking of him hurt, had been a suspected mass murderer until it turned out he was not guilty. This constant shifting of good and evil was unsettling in itself and Harry could feel Ron's confusion as if it was his own.
Getting up he gently placed his hand on the boy's arm. "It will get better with time."
Looking up Ron smiled thinly. "But not easier, huh?"
Shaking his head the dark-haired boy returned the smile. "No, not really. But I think in this we should not interfere. Hermione will come around I am sure of that. And we can trust Dumbledore to keep an eye on them both." Pulling back his hand he frowned. "However, I have trouble accepting that I almost liked Snape this evening."
"Me too. It was disgusting, really. He should have taken house points to make it easier for us. I mean honestly, how did he expect us to deal with him while he was not sneering? He could at least have given us a detention, don't you think?"
Chuckling Harry slumped down in his armchair. "I am sure to mention that to Hermione next time I see her."
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"You are not sticking to the rules, Bloodwen." Salazar raged as he paced the large throne room. The dark-haired woman sat in a corner and inspected her manicured nails feigning utter boredom.
"I have no idea what you are ranting about my dear old friend. It's not as if anybody else does. You've influenced the turn of events as you've seen fit. Really," she made a soft tsk-sound, "You really had to shock her, didn't you, my love." In the corner of her eye she saw the intensified anger as she used the endearment. Oh yes, he remembered. It gave no little satisfaction to bathe in her glory of times gone by.
"I have absolutely no idea what you mean." He crossed his arms as if in defence.
She got up standing face to face with him, with her brows furrowed. "My dear Salazar, don't think for one moment that I didn't hear you alter the words in our spell to make her see this particular scene first. Thought the mudblood insult would undo her but I chose to correct that." She shook her head in silent amusement. "You are doing it again."
"Doing what." He was livid now.
"Underestimating a female creature. True, the girl is muggleborn and I have my own resentments against them, but she is strong at heart and very intelligent. I wouldn't recommend messing around with her my dear, you might get burned."
He snorted and indicated with a wave of his hand that this conversation was closed.
"As always when proven to be wrong he simply refuses to talk about it anymore. Fine with me." she chuckled and sat down in her chair again once again tending to her nails and pretending to be bored. "Then let's wait, shall we?"
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The dungeons were dark, moist and depressing as usual and Remus Lupin tried to shake off the feeling of doom as he climbed down the last set of stairs to the hallway and started down the passageway to Snape's private lab where he, according to Albus Dumbledore, had been cloistered all day buried in experiments and working non-stop on some wolfsbane potion. Sure, they were almost out of stock these days but the last full moon had been a week ago so there would be plenty of time to brew some new potion during the next few weeks. It was surely not altruism that kept Snape in his office all day but rather a weak attempt to avoid his problems and the more likely feelings of failure and shame.
Sighing he softly knocked on the office door and when no answer came, went inside all the time trying to ready himself for a curse being thrown at him. There was no anticipating Snape when he was in these sullen moods and he could very vividly remember one occasion where Snape had turned him into a ferret after a nasty argument with Sirius, although Remus hadn't uttered one word back then. Snape was a superb spell caster, he knew more Dark Arts spells than anybody Lupin knew and he was not hesitant to use the ones he mastered. Snape was difficult to argue with, a feared enemy and usually he would have preferred to be anywhere but here. In the end it had been the headmaster's choice to send him once more to deal with Snape's rotten disposition. Lupin cursed his bad luck in things like this.
But the office was empty with no sign of Snape anywhere and he carefully stepped closer to the desk trying to figure out where Snape's lab was. He had visited only once because it wasn't his favourite place in the world and he knew the entrance was hidden with formidable wards that Lupin doubted even Albus could break them. If there was one thing you could say about Snape is he was utterly paranoid, but maybe that's what you get for working as a double spy. Snape surely had been in dark company all his life that promoted feelings of distrust and betrayal, Lupin thought again, feeling a strange sort of compassion for the Potions Master. His life had been never easy and as much as he tried to in his times he had never felt the same kind of hatred towards the greasy Slytherin as James and Sirius had.
And look where they are today…
The thought came unbidden and he turned towards the shelves with all kinds of creatures trapped into small glass vials which still filled him with disgust and a strange feeling of voyeurism. He wondered for the hundredth time how Snape could spend here so much time and realized that he hadn't changed a thing when he took this office from his predecessor Amelia Bloodwill who had been Potions Mistress during his school years here. Like so many people she was dead already, having been killed during the first rising of Voldemort as she opposed him openly. She had been a decent Slytherin with strong morals and a strange code of honour.
Finally remembering that there was a mirror in the room to contact a person in the lab he walked over to a small wooden frame with a glittering mirror inside and softly muttered a calming "Just get it over with."
Stepping in front of the mirror he knocked against it two times. "Severus?"
Nothing. Either he wasn't in there or he chose to ignore him. Probably the latter, considering Severus' general attitude towards people.
"Albus sent me Severus, and he wants me to deliver a message to you personally."
A second the silence continued and then a soft green light illuminated a hidden door in one of the stone walls and as he approached the place, the two wings of the door opened magically to reveal a surprising big room filled with cauldrons and vials, jars full of the strangest content, plants, herbs and smashed animal limbs combined with all kinds of magical objects, enchanted mirrors, talking chandeliers and moving statues. During his last visit this place had simply stunned him and this time it was not different.
A thick vapour hang over one cauldron and the tall figure of Severus Snape stood hunched over it carefully filling some liquid into the potion using a small pipette and all the while stirring with his other hand. It smelled sweet in the room and Remus remembered Severus telling him that this was a common trait of a correct brewed wolfsbane potion near its completion. After what seemed like two minutes Severus rose and placed a small vial on the table while reducing the flame to let the potion smother and turned to the other man obviously not pleased to have been disturbed.
"Yes." His voice was short and impolite and would have scared people away who didn't know him as well as Remus who stayed calm and smiled honestly.
"You are almost finished, my friend."
The dark man stared at him and then nodded curtly as if afraid to give too much away. "What message are you supposed to deliver, Remus?"
The werewolf leaned against a table watching as Severus moved some ingredients away. "Albus wants to see you tonight at dinner. No excuses, his exact words."
Returning from of the walk-in cabinets Severus frowned. "I am inconsolable but I won't make it; I am busy here." He took another glass and measured some yellow powder into another vial.
"With what? Avoiding Hermione?"
He saw the way he flinched but then his face was impassive again. "No, I am busy brewing some vital potions here like your wolfsbane potion. I have no time for nonsense like dinner."
Placing one hand on his arm and stilling his movement of filling the powder into the cauldron Remus gently admonished.
"You can lie to whomever you want to Severus but I once ran from my fate as well when I wasn't accepted after I graduated from Hogwarts, me being a werewolf. I recognize the signs of such a race."
Angrily freeing his arm Severus with surprising care filled the powder into the simmering potion. "I am doing no such thing. As I said I am brewing a potion here…"
"Hermione will come around. She needs some time, that's all. It's not an easy thing to deal with the events she had to see."
Severus turned around clearly fuming and advancing threateningly, sticking his wand in Lupin's face. "Listen Remus, when I want your consolation I shall ask for it. But right now I would recommend for you to leave immediately and not bother me any further. I unlike others have important duties to attend to and no time for inane chatter."
Clearly indicating that this talk was finished he turned around and disappeared into another cabinet. For a moment Lupin stared at his vacated space and then left the lab through the office.
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Returning two minutes later Severus sat down on a chair silently contemplating whether he could still pretend that things last night had never happened but Lupin had destroyed that enjoyable bubble in time he had created to prevent himself from thinking about his now completely ruined relationship with Hermione. Strange, how over the course of a year he couldn't have cared less if Hermione Granger, the little know-it-all, liked him or not, trusted him or not, or believed him to be a good person. Now it made all the difference there was. Nobody in all his life had cared for him much, not his schoolmates, not his parents, to whom he was a liability and a disgrace. Only Albus Dumbledore had seen through him even after he had confessed all his sins as a true and committed Death Eater; he had looked at him with sympathy and had offered a path out of this mess besides suicide.
Sirius had always told him last year in London that one day his past would catch up to him and then he couldn't hide any longer behind his mask of the spy, the redeemed monster, the souled vampire. He had predicted that he would loose everything then, all the respect her had garnered over the years would be lost by the memories leaving him alone and tainted. Curious how that described his current state of mind and the way he felt empty inside , in a deserted crypt without even his own students to keep him company. For a second, tears of anger and loss burned in his eyes but he rubbed them away with his sleeve. He would not turn into a self-pitying fool now, not when the entire world thought he already was. He would carry on with the same bitterness as he had always carried through all the catastrophes that were his life, purging out all emotions inside him and simply turning to the familiar feelings of violence and anger.
His eyes viewed the chain around his arm and he angrily began to assault it with every unlock spell he could think of but of course it resisted every attempt to expunge this nasty little token of the damned wedding he had been forced into without any consent. After trying the last spell he could think of he threw his wand against one shelf hearing it clatter to the floor, smashing one jar against the floor. The thought of simply destroying things he had always treasured was giving him a strange kind of relief. He got up and took the cauldron with the newly brewed potion from the fire and smashed it into one of the walls making most of the shelves there crash down and a sour odour like formaldehyde, vinegar, and sulphur filled the room. Taking a chair he stepped to the opposite wall clearing another shelf of vials and glasses revelling in the shrill sounds of glass breaking. Shattering the last bits of his lab with a cauldron he sunk down against the door to his office cupping his face with his hands.
At least now his environment felt the same as his inside- thrashed and shattered. Naturally tears wouldn't come; his father had used the cruciatus curse every time he had cried with pain or loss and therefore made it impossible for him to shed tears at all. The emptiness felt like it was consuming him and after he extinguished the fire the warmth was gone leaving only the cold and damp. Sitting in complete darkness he felt his life falling to pieces, the last part he had still treasured and he was utterly helpless to do anything to stop its destruction. Getting up he decided to do the last thing that made sense here and drink himself numb.
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The living room was in pitch black as she arrived there panting from running all the way. She tried to scan the room but could only rely on the feeling and the soft glow of the necklace that provided barely enough illumination to see. She detected his sunken figure in one of the armchairs next to the unlit chimney. Only the slow movement of his wrist as he played with his wand producing little green smoke rings indicated that he was even alive. Her necklace was icy cold and she knew he was in incredible pain.
"Why are you here?" His voice was slurred a bit around the edges and barely audible and when she saw the half empty bottle of whiskey on the table she knew why. There was a strong smell of a strange mixture of potions.
Fine, exactly what I need. A drunk Snape to talk with.
Carefully approaching him she sat down on the chair on the other side of the small table placing her wand on the wooden surface.
"I am not here to argue", she responded trying to deal with her own confusing mix of emotions. One part of her wanted to run away the other wanted to comfort him. She wasn't sure which part would win.
"Oh, I never thought you came here to argue." He emptied his glass again and poured himself another shot. "I think you made it quite clear when you woke up from your no doubt interesting visit to my past. Actually I am surprised to see that you are not in your little tower with your nice, safe friends by now", was muttered in a raspy voice just above a whisper.
"You are drunk", she sounded tired and quite helpless. All in a sudden he voiced all her insecurities and it didn't feel helpful in any way.
He snorted the volume in his voice increasing. "That bothers you, my dear." His voice dripped with sarcasm and he pointed his wand to a cabinet. "Accio sobrius potion" and a small vial with a bright blue liquid flew out of one of the drawers. He swiftly uncorked it and gulped it down. Smashing the vile against the fireplace he sneered and his voice sounded dark. "See, all taken care of Hermione. I am as sober as you could wish for; I wouldn't want to spoil the fun of telling me what a fantastic death eater I am."
Given the edgy nature of Severus she steeled herself with a calm even voice and addressed him. "That's not logical behaviour from you, Severus. Do you think sparing like this is going to solve anything?"
"You tell me." He got up and leaned against the wall. "Tell me what you want and I tell you how I am going to react."
She leaned back and stared into his eyes for a moment contemplating why he was behaving in such a manner.
"You really think I am here to tell you I am leaving, aren't you?"
He laughed maniacally. "No, I am sure you are here to give me a friendly pat on the shoulder and to tell me how proud you are of me." He shook his head as if to clear it, running his hands through his hair, and riveted his dark troubled eyes into hers. "Again I ask you to explain why you are here and I am sure we can deal with it swiftly so that you don't loose any time to move your belongings back to your dormitory."
Inside she was again struck by how wounded he looked in this moment, very likely without him being aware of it. He was in enough pain as it was and he sure as hell didn't need her to add to that. He regretted his deeds, she was sure of it and they had to talk about a lot of things one day but she was pretty sure that day wasn't right now. They had a lifetime for that she supposed.
"Fine, if that is the way you want to deal with it." She mustered all her Gryffindor courage and approached him so that she stood mere millimetres from him staring into his troubled eyes. She didn't miss his flinching when her hand brushed his. "I won't lie to you, what I saw scared me but I came to a realization. While you killing somebody was a terrible thing to see it was more a comment about me you made that hurt the most. You said that all you could ever feel for a mudblood would be hate and disgust. That shocked me so much and that is what I want to talk about tonight. The rest is history and Professor Dumbledore was right about one thing: I already offered forgiveness and I won't take that offer back now."
He stared at her for a moment and then incredible pain was in his eyes. "You saw Zachary's death then, all of it."
She nodded and refused to touch him. He had to make her fears disappear first, had to utter words she longed to hear.
He sighed and fixed his gaze above her. "I was ordered to kill him back then. He had worked as a spy for Albus and was found out. I hated him with all my heart back then. He was one of my best friends and he had lied to me the whole time. I couldn't understand back then his reasons and quite frankly I didn't care much. I simply followed orders and I killed him." He directed his gaze to her face again. "You don't really think that I still feel that was about muggleborns do you?"
She shrugged not knowing what to say and was surprised when he hesitantly put one arm on her shoulder. "I was young, foolish and not sure about my place in the world. I shared prejudices without any thinking of my own and I long since lost those. I know you are a brilliant witch and you deserve more than anybody else I know to be part of the wizarding world no matter what people like Malfoy say." He chuckled dryly. "I must say, his prediction came true indeed."
She frowned. "What prediction?
"You were there. Can't you remember?" He gently moved his hand and stroked her neck. "That one day a girl would mean more to me than my life, more to me than the world. And he was true, for I am feeling like that right now."
She moved into his caress and accepted the unspoken apology. Sighing she did what she had wanted to do all the while and embraced him snuggling her face into his robes. "Thank you."
He smiled awkwardly. "You are welcome."
For a moment they stayed like this until he gently detangled her from his body. "I can't promise I will be any easier to live with tomorrow or that I won't get angry for no reason at all but I promise that I will never forget your graciousness tonight."
Hermione's face brightened. "Wouldn't be the same living with you if you changed in that aspect." She chuckled. "By the way I think you quite undid Harry and Ron enough with your politeness tonight. They couldn't take any more I am afraid."
He sneered not fooling her for one second. "Insufferable Gryffindors, your friends."
She laughed out loud and gently took his hand in hers. "Promise me to give them a detention tomorrow so that their world is right again."
He snorted. "As you please my lady. As you please."
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Bloodwen smiled softly as she watched the couple in the enchanted mirror as they joked with each other. It was good to see that love could indeed blossom in an icy climate like this and even so she was a mudblood she was what Severus needed in this moment. Who was she to argue then?
"You lost this round Salazar." She raised her eyebrow and couldn't hide the amusement from her voice. "It's Albus' turn now and it's for us to watch like he did in ours."
He simply snorted and closed his eyes.
Men, they could never lose it seemed.
The next part is in work right now and it will be lighter with some humour in it to not scare the fluff-humour lovers away. The angst-junkies can't complain here anyway!