The Legend of Tractor Man
(PG) By: sweet saturn
Ok, I wrote this when I was in 9th grade, and it's a little whacked but hey it's funny. If you don't like it, tough! Also pardon any major grammatical or typing errors made that I've failed to catch and edit out. Quick note: Remecio belongs to the creators of "Dragon Half" and both Tractor Mans belong to Emily Suhrheinrich.
Original Author's Note:
Hey peeps! Hope you enjoy this! It's one of my fave works. And let's just say there's a big invisible disclaimer that only true SM fans can see k? Just always remember I do not and never will own Sailor Moon and co. for they belong to Naoko Takeuchi! snifflez So don't sue me, but if you decide to I hope you like lint cuz that's all you're getting! Now onward we go! Tallyho!
It was just another one of those days where you just knew something was going to happen in Little Tokyo. The SSOA were just walking along when suddenly Ami declared, "Something's gonna happen I just know it!"
"Well if something's gonna happen we might as well transform in order to prepare for it," said Makoto. With that each of the senshi transformed, struck a glamorous pose, and was about to go into her little entrance speech when Hotaru pointed out there was no one there to listen. Suddenly she noticed something about their outfits. Instead of fukus the girls were wearing very pretty and cute spring dresses. The collar was open necked and circular, the sleeves were quarter lengthed and on each shoulder there was a rose. The skirt was slightly poofed out and there was a giant bow on the back. And each girl's dress was in her color (you know, saturn purple, jupiter green, etc).
"Hey wait a second!" she exclaimed "These aren't our fukus, though I have to admit they are really kawaii dresses! And what is that thing on the back of my dress?!" Hotaru was continously turning around constantly trying to look and figure out what was on the back of her dress.She only managed to go in circles and see nothing, and soon stopped.
"Hotaru, it's just a giant bow," Minako informed her, "We all have one on the back of our dresses in case you haven't noticed."
"Oh, heh, I didn't notice that 'til now," Hotaru laughed nervously as a giant anime sweatdrop appeared on the back of her head.
"If you want to see what it looks like you can try this trick," said Ami. "But first I need two full length mirrors, so if the Author would so kindly have two full length mirrors appeared I could show you the trick," she added. Suddenly two full length mirrors appeared. Ami placed Hotaru inbetween them, with her back facing one and the front of her facing the other. "Now look at the reflection that's in the back mirror in the front mirror, and you can see the back of your dress," she said.
"Ooooohhhhhhh!" exclaimed Hotaru as she examined herself and the back of her dress in the mirror. "Hey, you know what?! I really like these bows! They're just so pretty!" she added ecstatically, "Hey my hair looks really pretty! It's shiny, silky, and in fact it's perfect!"
"Ok, you've had enough time, it's my turn now," said Ami bumping Hotaru out of the way. She then examined herself saying, "I look just as intelligent as I really am! And my hair is oh so pretty!"
"Ok, get out of the way it's my turn now, " said Minako shoving Ami out of the way. "I'm blonde, beautiful, and..." but before she could say anything else Makoto knocked her out of the way, and admired herself in the mirror.
"My hair is long, shiny, and very pretty!" she declared. Suddenly she was shoved out of the way by Minako, who was shoved out of the way by Ami, who was shoved out of the way by Hotaru. The girls began arguing over who had the prettiest hair and who should have the mirrors. They didn't even notice the mirrors had disappeared, and that they were in the middle of a pasture filled with goats, unitl suddenly Makoto was pulled down to the ground by a goat that was trying to eat her bow.
"GOATS! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed the girls.
"Wait a second!" interupted Ami, "We're all insured by Unicorns of Wheels Insurance, so we have nothing to worry about!"
"Oh," said the other girls in unison as they stopped screaming. As soon as the goats heard that the girls were insured by Unicorns On Wheels, they took off running. Makoto then stood up and dusted herself off, and straightend her bow.
"Hey where are we anyways?" she said looking around. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, two maracas appeared in each of the girls hands.
"Whoa, now this is wierd!" said a suprised Minako.
"Hmmm...it appears that we are on a farm of some sort," concluded Ami after observing their surroundings.
A fat guy, wearing jean overalls, a white t-shirt, a straw hat, with a strand of grain inbetween his teeth, came riding up to them on a red tractor.
"Well howdy ladies!" he said greeting them cordially.
"Ummm...hi," said Minako.
"Like the dresses!" he said with a thick country hick accent. "Like the bows!"
"I do too!" exclaimed Hotaru.
"Like the maracas, but I don't like you!" the guy chuckled loudly. Niether one of the SSOA found this funny.
"Who are you?!" demanded Hotaru. "My name's Rymin' Ryco and I'm here to say I've changed my name to Tractor Man!" he announced. Suddenly the SSOA found themselves singing "Tractor Man, Tractor Man, he's that Truckin' Tractor Man!"
"So now tell me," said Rymin' Ryco aka Tractor Man, "How'd you ladies end up here?"
"Ummm....well...I dunno. See Ami said that something was gonna happen, so Makoto said we should transform to figure it out. After we did and were about to go into our kawaii little speeches I pointed out that there was no one there to listen. Then I noticed we were dressed in these outfits, and then there was something on the back of my dress, and then Minako told me it was a giant bow, and Ami showed me a trick to seeing the back of myself using two mirrors. Then we kinda fought over who should have the mirrors and had the prettiest hair. Then we ended up in the pasture where the goat tried to eat Makoto's bow, and knocked her down, and we all went screaming because goats are big and once they get a hold of you they might not let go, so we went screaming, but Ami said we were all insured by Unicorns On Wheels, so that sent the goats running, then we kinda stood here for a bit, then these maracas appeared in our hands, and then you appeared, and that's basically all that happend," said Hotaru talking over a 100 miles per hour.
"That's pretty scary," he said.
"It sure is!" exclaimed Ami.
"But you wanna know what's even scarier?"he added.
"What?"asked Minako.
"My Tractor Man song and dance!" he declared. He then broke out into song, and the SSOA found themselves doing the Tractor Man dance. Suddenly a cloud of thick fog covered the area, which was provided by the special effects guy holding the bucket of dry ice who no one knew about or saw.
"WHAT WAS HIS NAME AGAIN?! OH YES REMECIO!"SAID A LOUD THUNDEROUS VOICE FROM ABOVE.
"IT'S ROZARIO! ROZARIO I TELL YOU! ROZARIO! ROZARIO! ROZARIO!" screamed the guy jumping up and down, throwing the bucket of dry ice down in the process.
"YES YES YES I KNOW IT'S REMECIO! NO WAIT RASHIKIEO! NO THAT'S NOT IT! IT'S ROZ...." said the loud thundrous voice from above trailing off dramatically.
"YES, COME ON SAY IT. IT'S RO-ZA-RIO," the guy coaxed. "ROZEEKIO!" she declared. A giant anime sweatdrop appeared as the guy threw himself on the ground kicking and screaming with rage and disappointment.
"WHAT?! I THOUGHT I HAD IT RIGHT THAT TIME!" said the loud thundrous voice from above.
"IT'S ROZARIO YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL!" the guy shouted furiously.
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! DID YOU JUST CALL ME AN INCOMPETENT FOOL?! GUARDS GET ME A GUILLOTINE AND SOME ROPE!" ordered the loud thunderous voice from above.
"JUST A JOKE! JUST A JOKE! ALL HAIL THE ALL MIGHTY AND POWERFUL AUTHOR WHOSE INTELLIGENCE OVERPOWERS ALL!" exclaimed the guy panically doing a little stupid dance.
"NEVERMIND!" said the loud thunderous voice from above, "Now what was your name again? Oh yes, Remecio! I knew I had it right to begin with!"
"It's Rozario!" muttered the guy angrily.
As quickly as appeared the fog cleared. There in the front of the SSOA and Tractor Man stood a little green, wet, and somewhat slimy paremecium, which had come from the pond in the pasture.
"Surrender now or prepare to meet your doom!" it ordered in a squeaky high pitched voice. Everyone began laughing.
"It's so cute!" exclaimed Minako squatting down to look at the little paramecium.
"I think it's pretty funny! Imagine us meeting our doom by the means of a little paramecium!' scoffed Ami.
"I'll have you know I'm not just any little paramecium, I'm a descendent of the parameciums of Napolen Bonaparte's pond, who've conquered many a land! So surrender now or prepare to die!" the little paramecium ordered whipping out what appeared to be a tiny glowing stick sword covered in algae.
"Now listen here li'l fellow!" declared Tractor Man, "This here is my land and you can't go 'round conquerin' it any dang time you feel like it! Now if you want to go conquerin' some land, I can show you that Mr. Fancypants banker whose livin' up the road, who thinks he can buy anything with them greenbacks of his land! Now that is place that could use some conquerin' and knock that scalawag off his high horse!"
"Sorry but that just won't do! I'll first conquer this land, then the one up the road, and then the world! Mgiuckakakayuickagya!" he cackled evily.
"Oh shutup!" ordered Hotaru stamping on the little paramecium with her high heeled shoes.
"You'll pay for that!" he squeaked as he crawled back into the pond he came from. Suddenly the mysteriuos fog appeared and disappeared yet again. This time when it disappeared, it revealed an army of little parameciums, led by the annoying little paramecium they encountered to begin with.
"Now I'm giving you all one last chance to surrender before we crush you," shouted the little paramecium.
"Give a reason why we should," demanded Hotaru. All of a sudden "Give A Reason" began to play in the background. (Yes I know it's from Slayers and not BSSM but who cares?! It's a good song, it fits the situation, and I'm using it in my story! .) Sudenly Ami and Hotaru burst out into song, and were singing along with the music in the background. The little paramecium all the while kept trying to think of a good reason, but couldn't think of one. At the end of the song he said to his family and friends,
"Come together my friends and family, so we can become one giant paramecium, and show them what a paramecium can do!" With that all the parameciums merged together forming one giant paramecium.
"Now this is going to be a problem," said Tractor Man,"Well better call out my boy! Hey Son! Get out here now! We got a problem with some paramecium that wants to takeover our farm and the world!" he shouted. Soon a tall cute guy, with short brown hair, in jeans and a white t-shirt came out.
"We're the SSOA we can take care of this ourselves," Minako informed Tractor Man.
"True, but you can always use extra help, so my son, Rymin' Ryco Junior aka Tractor Man Junior is gonna help you ladies out," replied Tractor Man Senior.
"Oh well I guess we can use the extra help," said Makoto.
"Ok now let's kick some paramecium butt!" declared Hotaru.
"WAIT!" shouted Minako.
"We have to make our speeches first," she added.
"Oh, in that case how about we just make one big speech together. I'll start, then Hotaru will add some, Minako will add some, and last Ami will finish. Then we all make a final speech together at the same time," said Makoto.
"Ok," said all the girls in unison.
"We are the SSOA! We stand for love, truth, justice, and a bunch of other stuff we don't have time to name!" declared Makoto.
"We will right wrongs, triumph over evil, including little evil parameciums that are descended from the paramecium of Napoleon Bonaparte's pond!" announced Hotaru.
"Even though we aren't in senshi form we can still kick your puny paramecium ass!" exclaimed Minako.
"And in the name of Jupiter, Saturn, Venus, and Mercury and a bunch of other stuff we don't have time to name we shall punish you!" finished Ami.
"For we are the beautiful, intelligent, talented, cute, and hot SSOA!" announced all the girls in unison. "Oh and don't forget powerful," added Hotaru.
"Oh and powerful too!" said Makoto.
"ATTACK!" screamed the parameciums all in unison. Hotaru's maracas instantly disappeared, and instead of whipping out her silence glaive she whipped out a purple spatula.
"WHERE IS MY SILENCE GLAIVE?!" she demanded. "Oh well I guess this will have to do," she said as she sighed and turned toward the paramecium. "Saturn Purple Spatuala Smack!" she shouted as she began smacking parameciums left and right. Makoto's maracas disappeared as well and were replaced with a frying pan.
"Whoa! This is not what I intended to use, but I guess it'll have to do," she said. "Jupiter Frying Pan Pound!" she exclaimed pounding parameciums flat. Minako's were replaced by a large saltshaker filled with salt.
"What the freak?! Oh well I guess I'll just have to make do," she said. "Venus Salt Shaker Shower!" she shouted showering the parameciums in salt causing them to ooze and melt.(Actually this applies to slugs, I dunno about parameciums though, and I know parameciums are sposed to microscopic but hey this is my world after all, and it's a pretty crazy one at that. Don't you think so? . So just enjoy the story and forget the fact that none of it could actually happen.) Ami's maracas were replaced by a butter knife.
"A butter knife?! What am I supposed to do with this?! This story is getting too crazy for me! I want out!" screamed Ami.
"SORRY NO CAN DO YOU'RE STAYIN' ! IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE BUTTER KNIFE, QUIT INTERUPTING AND LET ME GET TO YOUR ATTACK!" shouted the loud thunderous voice from above.
"Mercury Butterknife Kick!" Ami yelled as she sent a flying kick towards the parameciums while slicing them with her butterknife.
Suddenly Tractor Man Junior appeared and began hacking the parameciums with his sword. The fighting went on for some time and finally stopped. Only one paramecium was left, and it was none other than the annoying evil one in the beginning.
"Okay it's time to get rid of you!" declared Hotaru as she caught him and placed him inside of a jar.
"We're gonna take you and boil you in hot water!" informed Ami.
"HA! A lot of good that'll do! We paramecium can withstand some of the highest temperatures, so that won't do anything except keep me warm!" the little paramecium shouted.
"Not necessarily," said Ami after consulting one of her many books. "It says right here parameciums can only withstand certain high temperatures, anything exceeding that temperature will immediately cause the paramecium to die out," she said pointing her statement out in the book.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed the little paramecium in rage as he tried fruitlessly to break out of the glass jar.
They went inside the house of Tractor Man, and set a pot of water to boil, and then dropped the little paramecium in. The little paramecium couldn't withstand the high temperatures died and went Kaplut.
"Well I must say you ladies did a fine job!" complimented Tractor Man Senior as they went out of the house.
"Thanks," said Minako.
"Hey missy, what's your name, isn't Maho or somethin like that?" said Tractor Man Senior.
"It's M-ah-ko," corrected Makoto.
"Whatever," he replied, "Anyways Junior here's takin' a liking to you and wants you to stay here, which you're welcome to do."
"I'd like to but I can't, so how about he come with us?" said Makoto.
"So you want to come with us?" asked Makoto turning to Tractor Man Junior.
"Sure," he replied in smooth non hick tone of voice.
"Well it's about time you went out into the world anyways son, and congratulations!" said Tractor Man Senior slapping his son on the back.
As the SSOA turned to leave with Tractor Man Junior, they found their weapons were replaced by maracas, and were stopped by Tractor Man Senior.
"I only have one more thing to say to you all before you leave," he said. "Like the dresses! Like the bows!"
"I do too!" exclaimed Hotaru refering to the bows.
"Like the maracas, but I don't like you!" he said as chuckled heartily to himself.
"I HEARD THAT!" exclaimed the loud thunderous voice from above. Suddenly a short girl, with dark hair, wearing jeans and an anime t-shirt whipped out a giant maraca and whacked Tractor Man Senior on top of the head with it. After doing so she vanished as mysteriuosly as she appeared. The SSOA and Tractor Man Junior then went on their way to.........to somewhere.
The End