Queer Eye for the Uruq Hai
The shiny, black Suburban squealed to a stop at the gates of Castle Mordor. Inside was the Fellowship of the Pinky Ring: Carson, guru of fashion, Jai, lord of culture, Kyan, keeper of clean pores, Thom, bearer of Pier One gift cards, and finally Ted, fixer of all things tasty. Their mission is simple: To extol the virtues of style, taste and class to those in need. This week's candidate is Orunaj, Uruq-Hai warrior!
Leaping out of the Suburban, our heroes rush to the gate in their usual pell-mell fashion. Banging on the gate elicits no response from within. Lucky for them, Orunaj's wife (who nominated him) gave Jai the keys to gate. Once safely within, the guys begin hollering out Orunaj's name. A couple of his fellow warriors, helpfully shove him forward from the gathering crowd. The guys now circle their project, each wondering if this is the one that they won't be able to help....
As usual, Carson pipes up first. "Oh my, he's HUUUUUUUGE!" Pretending to faint, he falls into Kyan's arms, eliciting snorts and grunts from the spectators. "Hey, fellas," he squeals, "We're only here to help make Orunaj more presentable at the request of his wife!" With that, the crowd disperses and leaves the Fab 5 with their stony prize.
With Orunaj reluctantly in the lead, the guys follow him to his quarters. "What a dump!" Thom moans, "I don't think there's enough Swiffers in Middle Earth to clean up this mess!" Briefly, he shows Orunaj the delights of throwing one's furniture into the street and then sends him out with Kyan to get a major facial and pedicure.
"I'm taking you to Elizabeth Arden today to get a facial and pedicure", Kyan says. "Good skin and tootsies are always aces with the ladies!" Orunaj merely grunts and tries to bite the esthetician and eat his sea algae mud mask. The pedicure was more successful with the removal of 10 grotty toenails and one of the manicurist's ears.
Handing him off to Ted, Kyan breathes a sigh of relief at hopes for the best. Ted thought he'd teach Orunaj something he could prepare for his wife some special evening at home. Since the ladies can't resist chocolate, he decided to teach Orunaj how to make chocolate mousse. Everything seemed to go OK until it came to the beating the egg whites. With usual Uruq Hai aggression, Orunaj beat the hell out of the eggs and made merangue instead. Thinking that was a good escape, Ted applauded his efforts and passed him off to Jai.
"So, things are a little boring at home?" Jai asks. "Sometimes even the best relationships need a little spicing up. Tell her you love her and write little notes and leave them in her purse for her to find later." Seeing the blank look on Orunaj's face, he shrugged and said, "Oh hell, just drag her by the hair like you usually do, ya big lunk!"
With a sigh of relief, Jai let Carson take over. "I'm taking you to Versace today. As you can see, there's a lot of black leather and studs, very much your style. I want you to wear things you're comfortable in, but with a bit more edge." Carson selects a pink polo shirt from the rack for Orunaj to try on. As Orunaj emerges from the dressing room, Carson asks him if the other warriors ever told him how cute his butt was. With Orunaj now stylishly attired in a pink Versace polo, his own black leather loincloth, and aviator glasses, they head back to Orunaj's quarters.
Arriving back, they view what Thom has done with the place. "As you can see, I've arranged all of your swords by size and season. I've also created a special place for you to meditating using your existing straw pallet and mud." Orunaj nodded approvingly, grunted and grasping one of his now arranged swords lopped off all of their heads.
The shiny, black Suburban squealed to a stop at the gates of Castle Mordor. Inside was the Fellowship of the Pinky Ring: Carson, guru of fashion, Jai, lord of culture, Kyan, keeper of clean pores, Thom, bearer of Pier One gift cards, and finally Ted, fixer of all things tasty. Their mission is simple: To extol the virtues of style, taste and class to those in need. This week's candidate is Orunaj, Uruq-Hai warrior!
Leaping out of the Suburban, our heroes rush to the gate in their usual pell-mell fashion. Banging on the gate elicits no response from within. Lucky for them, Orunaj's wife (who nominated him) gave Jai the keys to gate. Once safely within, the guys begin hollering out Orunaj's name. A couple of his fellow warriors, helpfully shove him forward from the gathering crowd. The guys now circle their project, each wondering if this is the one that they won't be able to help....
As usual, Carson pipes up first. "Oh my, he's HUUUUUUUGE!" Pretending to faint, he falls into Kyan's arms, eliciting snorts and grunts from the spectators. "Hey, fellas," he squeals, "We're only here to help make Orunaj more presentable at the request of his wife!" With that, the crowd disperses and leaves the Fab 5 with their stony prize.
With Orunaj reluctantly in the lead, the guys follow him to his quarters. "What a dump!" Thom moans, "I don't think there's enough Swiffers in Middle Earth to clean up this mess!" Briefly, he shows Orunaj the delights of throwing one's furniture into the street and then sends him out with Kyan to get a major facial and pedicure.
"I'm taking you to Elizabeth Arden today to get a facial and pedicure", Kyan says. "Good skin and tootsies are always aces with the ladies!" Orunaj merely grunts and tries to bite the esthetician and eat his sea algae mud mask. The pedicure was more successful with the removal of 10 grotty toenails and one of the manicurist's ears.
Handing him off to Ted, Kyan breathes a sigh of relief at hopes for the best. Ted thought he'd teach Orunaj something he could prepare for his wife some special evening at home. Since the ladies can't resist chocolate, he decided to teach Orunaj how to make chocolate mousse. Everything seemed to go OK until it came to the beating the egg whites. With usual Uruq Hai aggression, Orunaj beat the hell out of the eggs and made merangue instead. Thinking that was a good escape, Ted applauded his efforts and passed him off to Jai.
"So, things are a little boring at home?" Jai asks. "Sometimes even the best relationships need a little spicing up. Tell her you love her and write little notes and leave them in her purse for her to find later." Seeing the blank look on Orunaj's face, he shrugged and said, "Oh hell, just drag her by the hair like you usually do, ya big lunk!"
With a sigh of relief, Jai let Carson take over. "I'm taking you to Versace today. As you can see, there's a lot of black leather and studs, very much your style. I want you to wear things you're comfortable in, but with a bit more edge." Carson selects a pink polo shirt from the rack for Orunaj to try on. As Orunaj emerges from the dressing room, Carson asks him if the other warriors ever told him how cute his butt was. With Orunaj now stylishly attired in a pink Versace polo, his own black leather loincloth, and aviator glasses, they head back to Orunaj's quarters.
Arriving back, they view what Thom has done with the place. "As you can see, I've arranged all of your swords by size and season. I've also created a special place for you to meditating using your existing straw pallet and mud." Orunaj nodded approvingly, grunted and grasping one of his now arranged swords lopped off all of their heads.