Though I am in no way old, I have made decisions in my short, but busy life. Some of those choices I do not regret, others, I beg daily, for them to be reversed. I am not typically one to regret things, believing that one's life should be lived to the fullest. Regret was never something that came easily to me, however, sometimes I regret having made one of the single most important decisions in my life.
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When I was a child, I grew up in a house with a loving mother and father. I had siblings and friends to play with. There was no shortage of camaraderie during my childhood. My parents owned and operated a bed and breakfast and people from all over creation would come and stay with us. I learned a lot from some of our guests. We had businessmen, government officials and everyday working class patrons. I would sit at the breakfast table and listen intently to stories of far off lands and different cultures and their customs. All in all, I would say that I had a full and fairly happy childhood.

As I grew older and began high school, I began to distance myself from others. I found that friends that I once confided in, to be a nuisance. Friends were something I quickly gave up. I was tired of the calls about break-ups, chats about which boy was the cutest and rantings about family problems. I had problems of my own. I always did well in school, was always told that I was exceptionally bright. I was placed in several advanced classes and during my last year at high school, I began to take classes at the local community college. Shortly before graduating high school, I learned that I had been accepted to Harvard, on full scholarship.

When I arrived at college, I was amazed at how immature some of these supposed brilliant people acted like fools. They would stay up all night drinking and partying. I did not indulge in this irresponsible behavior. I was there to learn, and learn I did. I had a difficult time, at first, choosing my major, but that all changed when I met someone; someone that would change my life forever.

I was attending a lecture about the applications of forensics, regarding criminal activity and case solving. I remember it vividly, like it was yesterday. I was seated in the front row of the auditorium, legal pad and pen in hand, waiting for the lecture to begin. I was writing the heading for my notes when I heard the single sexiest voice I had ever heard.

I snapped my head up to see who belonged to this voice, and saw the most brilliant pair of blue eyes I had ever seen. The eyes belonged to a man, about Thirty-ish. He was tall and very handsome. His hair was greying slightly and quite curly. He wore a pair of khaki slacks and a deep blue button down shirt that had the top two buttons undone. He was a paragon of male perfection.

As the lecture began and he started to address the students, I found myself wishing I knew him better. I had never felt this way before, and for someone so much older, to boot. I copied down every word that came flowing from between his soft, supple lips. Halfway through the lecture, my hand began to cramp so I quickly shifted my pen to my other hand, never missing a word.

He stopped speaking and began the slideshow. As he walked from the stage and passed me, I saw him look at me. Actually, looked through me would be more correct. He winked and continued his path to the back of the auditorium and the slide projector.

We watched a series of slides of crime scenes and he gave explanations on all of them. His voice was like the Heaven's had opened up and Angels sang. I began to drift and to this day, there are parts of his slideshow that I don't remember. Instead, I remember having thoughts about this man. Thoughts that had no business running through my head. Personal, private thoughts. Next thing I knew, the lights came on and the question and answer period began. I remember my silent response to the first question he asked.

"Are there any questions?" he asked

I envisioned myself raising my hand in response.

"Um...Yes. Would you marry me and let me bare your children?" I answered silently to myself.

As the question and answer period ended, I was aware of the other students leaving, but could not bring myself to stand. Instead, I just sat and continued to stare into space. Suddenly I saw a hand waving in front of my eyes. I snapped out of my day dream and turned to see who the hand belonged to. To my total surprise, it was the lecturer. He introduced himself as Dr. Gil Grissom. I was speechless. I wanted to say my name, but no words would present themselves. He looked down at my pad and read my name off of it.

"You are Sara Sidle." I heard him say

"Um..Uh..Huh." was all I could manage

He smiled and I was brought back to reality. I immediately felt flushed and very warm. He asked me if I had any questions about his lecture. His voice was so soft and soothing. I managed a few words about Linear Regression and the Carpet Beetle. His smile grew and it was then that I decided my life was forever changed.

I managed to compose myself enough to offer a proper departing statement. As I stood and took my pad and pen, I turned to walk up the aisle, which seemed to get longer with every step I took, he called to me.

"Um, Sara. Is there any place around here to get something to eat?" he asked

"There's Goleta's. It's a little Italian place off campus. You...want to...get something?" I offered

He smiled and accepted my lopsided dinner invitation.

We walked to the restaurant and ordered our meals. We talked about his lecture and certain aspects of forensics and anatomy and physiology, where it has to do with corpse identification and determining cause of death. Before we knew it, the time had flown by and it was 2:00am. We left the restaurant and he walked me to my car. When we approached my car, my heart did back flips as he asked me if he could see me again. He explained that he was to be on campus for the semester, lecturing and teaching. I agreed to meet him not the next evening, but the following one. He sighed and thanked me. As I pulled out of my spot and drove off down the rows of cars, I could see him in my rear view mirror, standing.

Over the next few months, we continued to meet at either the library, or his place or mine. The meetings were primarily about his teachings, but sometimes we would just go out and have a good time. One time we went to a baseball game. It was during this game that I noticed his behavior change somewhat. The Cincinnati Red's were playing the Boston Red Sox. Pete Rose hit a home run and as I jumped up out of my seat to cheer, I looked down at him and saw that he was looking right at me. After the game, he was quiet and a bit subdued. I tried to find out what was on his mind, but he gave no useful information.

The semester ended and he left for home, Las Vegas. For months, after his departure, I was a wreck. I was depressed, but could not readily figure out why. Then one day he called me out of the blue. My heart leapt as we talked and it was right after we hung up, that I realized that it was him that I missed; his absence was the source of my depression. I buried myself in my school work and when I graduated college, I got a letter from the San Fransisco Crime Lab, offering me a position. I was ecstatic, I had just graduated and already had a job.

I moved back west and settled into my new life and new job. I continued to feel the same sort of loss that I had felt at Harvard. One evening I went home and checked my mail. A letter had come for me from Las Vegas. As soon as I saw the postal stamp, my hands began to sweat and my heart pounded in my chest wildly. I sat on my couch and slowly opened the envelope. I pulled the letter out and was immediately hit by a strangely familiar smell. I lifted the letter to my nose and inhaled the intoxicating scent. It smelled of Grissom. I thought to myself, "Why would he be writing to me?". Unfolding the letter and reading it, the reason became apparent.
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14th September 1996

Sara,

I was pleased to hear of your graduation and subsequent job offer at the San Fransisco Crime Lab. I have no doubt that you will excel in your new field of expertise. I always thought you were the brightest young woman I had ever met. While work can be overwhelming, remember not to over do it. Find a life outside work, something to occupy yourself and mind during your off hours. I have seen many a good CSI, burn out, because they let their work consume them. I hope you never become one of them.

On a more personal note, I hope all is well with you and you have made a swift and fluid transfer from east to west. I will be in the are next month and would love nothing more than to see you again. I miss the time we shard back east. Feel free to call me, my number is the same as it was. Or, if you like, you can write me, using the return address.

Best wishes in life,

Gil Grissom.
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I stared at the letter and re read it several times. He was coming here and wanted to see me. I was so happy, it was like walking on clouds. I quickly picked up a legal pad and pen and began to write him back.
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20th September 1996

Grissom,

Just got your letter today and I would love to meet you next month. I, too, have missed our time together and would love to welcome you to my home while you are in town, no need for you to check into a hotel and waste your money, I have plenty of room. It would be great if we could catch up on each others lives and experiences we have had since parting.

Feel free to phone me at work so we can iron out the details of your trip.

I eagerly await your response.

Best wishes in life and love,

Sara
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I overnighted the letter and received a call at work two days later. It was Grissom. We made plans for when he would be out in Frisco and he graciously accepted my offer of hospitality. The following month, he came and stayed for a week. During that time, we quickly slipped back into our old routine. We would sit up nights talking and laughing. He told me about some of his cases back in Vegas, and I told him what was going on with me.

Too soon, his time with me was over and when he left slipped into my previous pattern, as I did the last time he left me. I totally immersed myself in my work and spent little time doing anything else.

Months later, I received another letter from Grissom.
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Sara,

A position has opened up at the lab out here and I was wondering if you were interested in it. I also need a favor from you. I need an internal investigation performed and I think it would best be done by someone that has no relationship with anyone here at the lab.

Let me know if you are interested. I am afraid that I need an answer rather quickly.

Hope to see you soon,

Grissom
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The letter was short, sweet and to the point, like the man who sent it, without the short part. I called him the evening I received the letter and the following day, my transfer paperwork had been taken care of. Apparently, Grissom had already sent in the request for my transfer the day
before he sent the letter.

I arrived in Vegas a week later and met Grissom at a crime scene. When I saw him that time, he looked so tan and genuinely happy to see me. I did the investigation and got into the rhythm of working nights. We were close for a while, working cases together and spending time together at the lab.

A few months after my arrival, however, his attitude towards me changed. He became distant and rather cold. We stopped working together and I saw very little of him, save for the beginning of shift when he would hand out assignment slips. I tried to get him to talk to me, but he closed himself off.

It soon became a very uncomfortable working environment for me. I dreaded going into work, and having to be around him, but not with him. It was with his coolness towards me, that my feelings seemed to surface. I began sitting up nights, listening to my police scanner and I slipped back into my old pattern of completely working myself to death.

Sometimes, I regret ever coming out here. It kills me to know that I have these feelings for Grissom and that he doesn't feel the same, or maybe he does, but won't let himself explore those feelings. I asked him out a short while back and he turned me down flat. I was a bit surprised, and in my temporary shock, I told him that by the time he mad up his mind about "us"
it might be too late.

Sometimes I wonder why he really wanted me to come out here. He seems content to have me around, but when I enter into a relationship with another man, I could swear he gets jealous. Its like he wants me around, near him, and all to himself. Like a possession. Its very confusing, he won't date me, but at the same time, doesn't want me to date anyone else. The man messes with my head to no end. Its infuriating.

TBC?--