Title: I Want To Be Your Mattress
Author: the random monkey
Date: 10-9-03'
Author's Notes:
Instead of "I Want to Be Your Canary" (again), this year's play is "Once Upon a Mattress!" And instead of Tantalus, this play will be acted out by our heroes and a few dead villains! Why? Plot convenience!
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this musical recently. It's a good show, but still... Eh, whatever. Enjoy! I own nothing.
(The orchestra plays a fanfare as the curtain rises. Nothing happens. The orchestra plays a fanfare again. Nothing happens. The orchestra plays a fanfare one more time, and a very frightened-looking Black Mage tumbles onto the stage as if he'd been pushed. The mage picks himself up, adjusts his hat, looks at the audience, and freezes. The orchestra begins playing the first song, and the mage runs offstage.)
(Behind the scenes:
Vivi: I-I can't remember my lines!
Zidane: Just ad-lib it! (He pushes Vivi back out on stage.))
Vivi: (shaky) U-um..
Audince: Awww!
Vivi: (encouraged): Um, this is a story about a princess who wanted to get married. But her mom wouldn't let her. The mom wanted to test the prince- no, wait, first the mom said none of the princes were good enough. That's why she wanted to test them. She would make the princes sleep on matresses, and if they fell asleep, she said they weren't real princes. No, wait- it was if they fell asleep on matresses that had peas under them. Oh, that still doesn't make sense... (adjusts hat)
Audience: Awww...
Vivi: But, it doesn't matter, because the story's not true. We're going to tell the real story. (Runs offstage)
(Scene changes to chamber in castle, where many people are gathered to watch QUEEN BRAHNE test BLANK.)
Queen Brahne: Question the first! What is the name of Regent Cid's brother's uncle's cousin-twice-removed's roommate in college?
Blank: (thinks for a moment) Maternal uncle or paternal?
Queen Brahne: Maternal.
Blank: He didn't have one! He never went to college!
Queen Brahne: (Checks card with question on it; looks up.) GUARDS! TAKE HIM AWAY!
Garnet: But mother... He got it right...
Brahne: Oh, pish-posh, dear. Real princes know better than to wear belts as headgear. (Leaves)
Crowd: We can't have sex until the princess gets married! (They cry.)
(Scene changes to another room. QUINA drags VIVI onstage.)
Quina: (points to Vivi) He minstrel!
Vivi: Eep! (Hides behind Quina)
Audience: Awwww...
Vivi: (beams, comes out of hiding)
Quina: I royal chef!
Vivi: Um... don't you mean jester?
Quina: ROYAL CHEF!
Vivi: Eep! (hides)
Audeince: Awww...
Kuja: (strolls out) And I'm the king!
Audience: Aw-wait a minute...
Quina: King no can talk!
Kuja: Oh, right. (points to self, makes motion of putting on crown)
Quina: He say he king!
Vivi: (peering from hiding place) this is where we sing a song about the king and the jester and I...
Quina: ROYAL CHEF! (Chases Vivi offstage)
Kuja: (makes 'they're crazy' motion)
Heckler: Look who's talking, thong-boy!
Kuja: Ultima. (Heckler's head explodes)
(Scene changes to STEINER and BEATRIX)
Beatrix: Remember that night when we went and parked on Lover's Lane in your Volkswagon, and listened to Journey songs you'd taped off the radio?
Steiner: Of course, my love!
Beatrix: Well... We're gonna have a baby!
Steiner: Cool!
Beatrix: No it's not! The princess hasn't found a groom yet, remember? And the law says, "No hoogie-boogie-dee 'till Garnet gets a weddin' ring." So if she doesn't get married before people find out...
Steiner: I see... Never fear, my love! I shall find a prince suitable for our princess! (Leaves)
Beatrix: Thank God he forgot about the song! That man's voice is punishable by death in some countries!
(Scene changes back to CASTLE CHAMBER)
Vivi: (walks in; waits)
Audience: (silent)
Vivi: Ahem!
Audience: (gets the idea) Awww!
Vivi: So... Sir Steiner brought back a prince.
(SIR STEINER enters room, followed by PRINCE ZIDANE)
Steiner: (kneels before Garnet) Milady, I have found a lad worthy of your hand.
Zidane: (Belches, scratches crotchial area)
Garnet: KAKKOI! (Glomps Zidane)
Brahne: YOU SWAM THE MOAT?!
Zidane: No.
Brahne: Oh...
(Scene switches to Brahne's chambers, with Dr. Tot)
Brahne: We must think of a test that looks fair, sounds fair, seems fair... and isn't fair! I know! Order a gallon of chocolate syrup and some whipped cream... And twenty matresses!
Dr. Tot: (gets nosebleed, runs out of room)
Brahne: (not realizing Tot is gone) Then have the kitchen make me an ice cream sundae, and do that whole "Princess and the Pea" deal on Prince Zidane!
(Scene changes to Castle Chamber. Garnet is getting to know Zidane.)
Garnet: (shyly) So... You come here often?
Zidane: No. (Farts loudly)
Garnet: (sighs dreamily)
Zidane: So, if we're gonna get married, there's two things you should know. One: You can do whatever you want with me and my stuff, but STAY AWAY FROM MY BUDWEISER! Second, don't call me Zidane. Call me by my nickname.
Garnet: Ziddy?
Zidane: No.
Garnet: Dane?
Zidane: No.
Garnet: Then what?
Zidane: Pimp Daddy Z!
Garnet: (melts) Sugoi...
(Scene changes to a random group of townsfolk)
Group: Quiet! Quiet! the Queen insists on quiet!
She's ordered twenty mattresses, the softest and the best,
and she's threatened execution if we dare disturb the rest
of her very special guest. She's ordered quiet, quiet, the queen insist on quiet-
Brahne: All right, already, they get it! Now get the mattresses together!
(the group brings in twenty mattresses)
Brahne: (Brings out pea, puts it under mattresses) Heheheh... (gradually gets louder) That monkey-tailed twit is bound to fall asleep! Go, Brahne! It's your birthday!
Group: Huh?
Brahne: NONE OF YOU HEARD THAT!
Group: Bravo, bravo, bravissimo! (Several male townspeople shriek)
Brahne: KUJA! KNOCK IT OFF!
(Scene changes to Zidane's room, where he is talking to Garnet)
Zidane: So what's this test gonna be like?
Garnet: I don't know. It's been different for every prince. (Gets faraway look) Mother's been acting so strange recently... I'd like to find some way to get to Lindblum and talk to my Uncle Cid about it...
Zidane: (Sneezes, wipes nose on arm) Yeah, good luck with that.
Garnet: (dreamily) Kawaii yo ne...
(scene changes to Kuja and Garnet)
Garnet: Daddy... Since I'm getting married and all, don't you think it's time to talk about... You know...
***WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN***
Actually, we just couldn't find a way to do this part and still keep a PG rating. On with the show!
(Scene changes to Castle Chamber, where twenty mattresses have been stacked)
Queen Brahne: Good night, prince. (laughs evilly; leaves)
Vivi: (tiptoeing in, whispering) She's gone.
Zidane: (jumping out of bed) WOOHOOO! I FEEL HAPPY! (runs so fast he is halfway up the wall before he falls down)
Vivi: This portion of our program is brought to you by Mountain Dew. (Holds up can) Do the Dew!
Audience: Awww...
(Scene chages to the next day)
Brahne: (eagerly) So how long did you sleep for?
Zidane: I didn't.
Brahne: WHAAAAT?!
Zidane: Well, see, I'd just gotten past the Forest of Illusion Fortress, and I figured, wha tthe hell, might as well beat the fifth castle, right? And after that, I thought, well, I'll just play to the Choco Ghost house, then it was the sixth castle, then the Valley of Bo-
Brahne: ENOUGH! GUARDS!
Garnet: NO! (Summons Ramuh on Brahne)
Zidane: Why didn't you just do that in the first place?
Garnet: Because, until now, I didn't know what true love was.
Zidane: Oh. (Starts picking lint form bellybutton)
Garnet: WAI! (Rubs against Zidane)
~owari~
Author: the random monkey
Date: 10-9-03'
Author's Notes:
Instead of "I Want to Be Your Canary" (again), this year's play is "Once Upon a Mattress!" And instead of Tantalus, this play will be acted out by our heroes and a few dead villains! Why? Plot convenience!
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this musical recently. It's a good show, but still... Eh, whatever. Enjoy! I own nothing.
(The orchestra plays a fanfare as the curtain rises. Nothing happens. The orchestra plays a fanfare again. Nothing happens. The orchestra plays a fanfare one more time, and a very frightened-looking Black Mage tumbles onto the stage as if he'd been pushed. The mage picks himself up, adjusts his hat, looks at the audience, and freezes. The orchestra begins playing the first song, and the mage runs offstage.)
(Behind the scenes:
Vivi: I-I can't remember my lines!
Zidane: Just ad-lib it! (He pushes Vivi back out on stage.))
Vivi: (shaky) U-um..
Audince: Awww!
Vivi: (encouraged): Um, this is a story about a princess who wanted to get married. But her mom wouldn't let her. The mom wanted to test the prince- no, wait, first the mom said none of the princes were good enough. That's why she wanted to test them. She would make the princes sleep on matresses, and if they fell asleep, she said they weren't real princes. No, wait- it was if they fell asleep on matresses that had peas under them. Oh, that still doesn't make sense... (adjusts hat)
Audience: Awww...
Vivi: But, it doesn't matter, because the story's not true. We're going to tell the real story. (Runs offstage)
(Scene changes to chamber in castle, where many people are gathered to watch QUEEN BRAHNE test BLANK.)
Queen Brahne: Question the first! What is the name of Regent Cid's brother's uncle's cousin-twice-removed's roommate in college?
Blank: (thinks for a moment) Maternal uncle or paternal?
Queen Brahne: Maternal.
Blank: He didn't have one! He never went to college!
Queen Brahne: (Checks card with question on it; looks up.) GUARDS! TAKE HIM AWAY!
Garnet: But mother... He got it right...
Brahne: Oh, pish-posh, dear. Real princes know better than to wear belts as headgear. (Leaves)
Crowd: We can't have sex until the princess gets married! (They cry.)
(Scene changes to another room. QUINA drags VIVI onstage.)
Quina: (points to Vivi) He minstrel!
Vivi: Eep! (Hides behind Quina)
Audience: Awwww...
Vivi: (beams, comes out of hiding)
Quina: I royal chef!
Vivi: Um... don't you mean jester?
Quina: ROYAL CHEF!
Vivi: Eep! (hides)
Audeince: Awww...
Kuja: (strolls out) And I'm the king!
Audience: Aw-wait a minute...
Quina: King no can talk!
Kuja: Oh, right. (points to self, makes motion of putting on crown)
Quina: He say he king!
Vivi: (peering from hiding place) this is where we sing a song about the king and the jester and I...
Quina: ROYAL CHEF! (Chases Vivi offstage)
Kuja: (makes 'they're crazy' motion)
Heckler: Look who's talking, thong-boy!
Kuja: Ultima. (Heckler's head explodes)
(Scene changes to STEINER and BEATRIX)
Beatrix: Remember that night when we went and parked on Lover's Lane in your Volkswagon, and listened to Journey songs you'd taped off the radio?
Steiner: Of course, my love!
Beatrix: Well... We're gonna have a baby!
Steiner: Cool!
Beatrix: No it's not! The princess hasn't found a groom yet, remember? And the law says, "No hoogie-boogie-dee 'till Garnet gets a weddin' ring." So if she doesn't get married before people find out...
Steiner: I see... Never fear, my love! I shall find a prince suitable for our princess! (Leaves)
Beatrix: Thank God he forgot about the song! That man's voice is punishable by death in some countries!
(Scene changes back to CASTLE CHAMBER)
Vivi: (walks in; waits)
Audience: (silent)
Vivi: Ahem!
Audience: (gets the idea) Awww!
Vivi: So... Sir Steiner brought back a prince.
(SIR STEINER enters room, followed by PRINCE ZIDANE)
Steiner: (kneels before Garnet) Milady, I have found a lad worthy of your hand.
Zidane: (Belches, scratches crotchial area)
Garnet: KAKKOI! (Glomps Zidane)
Brahne: YOU SWAM THE MOAT?!
Zidane: No.
Brahne: Oh...
(Scene switches to Brahne's chambers, with Dr. Tot)
Brahne: We must think of a test that looks fair, sounds fair, seems fair... and isn't fair! I know! Order a gallon of chocolate syrup and some whipped cream... And twenty matresses!
Dr. Tot: (gets nosebleed, runs out of room)
Brahne: (not realizing Tot is gone) Then have the kitchen make me an ice cream sundae, and do that whole "Princess and the Pea" deal on Prince Zidane!
(Scene changes to Castle Chamber. Garnet is getting to know Zidane.)
Garnet: (shyly) So... You come here often?
Zidane: No. (Farts loudly)
Garnet: (sighs dreamily)
Zidane: So, if we're gonna get married, there's two things you should know. One: You can do whatever you want with me and my stuff, but STAY AWAY FROM MY BUDWEISER! Second, don't call me Zidane. Call me by my nickname.
Garnet: Ziddy?
Zidane: No.
Garnet: Dane?
Zidane: No.
Garnet: Then what?
Zidane: Pimp Daddy Z!
Garnet: (melts) Sugoi...
(Scene changes to a random group of townsfolk)
Group: Quiet! Quiet! the Queen insists on quiet!
She's ordered twenty mattresses, the softest and the best,
and she's threatened execution if we dare disturb the rest
of her very special guest. She's ordered quiet, quiet, the queen insist on quiet-
Brahne: All right, already, they get it! Now get the mattresses together!
(the group brings in twenty mattresses)
Brahne: (Brings out pea, puts it under mattresses) Heheheh... (gradually gets louder) That monkey-tailed twit is bound to fall asleep! Go, Brahne! It's your birthday!
Group: Huh?
Brahne: NONE OF YOU HEARD THAT!
Group: Bravo, bravo, bravissimo! (Several male townspeople shriek)
Brahne: KUJA! KNOCK IT OFF!
(Scene changes to Zidane's room, where he is talking to Garnet)
Zidane: So what's this test gonna be like?
Garnet: I don't know. It's been different for every prince. (Gets faraway look) Mother's been acting so strange recently... I'd like to find some way to get to Lindblum and talk to my Uncle Cid about it...
Zidane: (Sneezes, wipes nose on arm) Yeah, good luck with that.
Garnet: (dreamily) Kawaii yo ne...
(scene changes to Kuja and Garnet)
Garnet: Daddy... Since I'm getting married and all, don't you think it's time to talk about... You know...
***WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN***
Actually, we just couldn't find a way to do this part and still keep a PG rating. On with the show!
(Scene changes to Castle Chamber, where twenty mattresses have been stacked)
Queen Brahne: Good night, prince. (laughs evilly; leaves)
Vivi: (tiptoeing in, whispering) She's gone.
Zidane: (jumping out of bed) WOOHOOO! I FEEL HAPPY! (runs so fast he is halfway up the wall before he falls down)
Vivi: This portion of our program is brought to you by Mountain Dew. (Holds up can) Do the Dew!
Audience: Awww...
(Scene chages to the next day)
Brahne: (eagerly) So how long did you sleep for?
Zidane: I didn't.
Brahne: WHAAAAT?!
Zidane: Well, see, I'd just gotten past the Forest of Illusion Fortress, and I figured, wha tthe hell, might as well beat the fifth castle, right? And after that, I thought, well, I'll just play to the Choco Ghost house, then it was the sixth castle, then the Valley of Bo-
Brahne: ENOUGH! GUARDS!
Garnet: NO! (Summons Ramuh on Brahne)
Zidane: Why didn't you just do that in the first place?
Garnet: Because, until now, I didn't know what true love was.
Zidane: Oh. (Starts picking lint form bellybutton)
Garnet: WAI! (Rubs against Zidane)
~owari~