Title: What FFIX Would Be Like if DIC Brought it Over
Author: the random monkey
Date: Sometime in early November
Author's notes: I really have nothing to say about this, as this is self-explanatory. But please, please, PLEASE, read "Being," my serious fic. It's about three black mages who wake up, and what they do after that. I really want feedback on it, but nobobdy's given me a review for the last two chapters. Please, if you like this, read my serious (but not angsty) story, "Being."
(The FFIX group is assembled in a boardroom. A man in a suit and tie stands at the front.)
Man in Suit and Tie: First, I want to thank you all for coming. We at Dic are very interested in localizing your game for an American audience; we think that, with a few minor tweaks, this game will do very well, and we've gathered you all here today to tell you about a few changes we wish to make.
Garnet: (To Zidane) Who's this "we" he keeps talking about?
Zidane: (shrugs)
MiST: First, we have a few minor character adjustments we'd like to make.
Amarant: (snorts) Character adjustments?
MiST: You see, there are some cultural points that we feel American players, whom, as we all know, are all young children, would not understand.
Amarant: (snorts) Whatever.
MiST: Ahem. First, Zidane. We feel that the role of thief would be an… inappropriate one for a game's main protagonist.
Zidane: Oh?
MiST: Yes. And we'd like to change your role to… Crossing Guard.
Zidane: (almost falls out of chair) What?!
MiST: And your command will change from "Thievery" to "Ask Nicely."
Zidane: (sputters for a moment) What orifice did you pull that one out of?!
MiST: We feel it fits with your character's role of escorting the princess to safety. And speaking of the princess! (looks at Garnet)
Garnet: (gulps)
MiST: We feel that a princess will attract more females 3-8. However, we are concerned about your manner.
Garnet: …Manner?
MiST: You see, American kids are used to Britney Spears, not Princess Di. So from now on, you will speak like a Valley Girl.
Garnet: I, like, totally cannot believe this! Gag me with a spoon!
MiST: And you must glomp Zidane whenever he walks into a room.
Garnet: (Glomps Zidane)
Zidane: Heh… I like this part.
MiST: Oh, I forgot to mention… Zidane, you no longer have a sex drive.
Zidane: NOOOOO! YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO STEINER!
MiST: Oh, not at all. For you see… (Turns to Steiner, who blanches) Steiner is now S-Daddy, rap star.
Steiner: You straight trippin', boo! I ain't down with this shizzle!
MiST: That's the spirit! Next, Vivi…
Vivi: (tries to hide in jacket)
MiST: Vivi, you are now a wise, sharp-tongued fifty-year-old British woman who travels with the group to act as a chaperone.
Vivi: Why, this is outrageous! I am simply incensed by this folderol!
Eiko: (giggles)
MiST: Ah, yes, Eiko!
Eiko: Crap.
MiST: You are now Garnet's pet squirrel.
Eiko: (chatters and throws nuts at MiST)
MiST: Quina! There have been some concerns about your gender… We can't expose children to the idea of hermaphroditism, you know... And always talking about munchies could be construed as a veiled drug reference.
Quina: So? I do what I want! You have problem?
MiST: Yes, actually, we do have problem. And from now on, you will be a fashion-conscious cheerleader.
Quina: But that almost same as Garnet!
MiST: Yes! Exactly! The two of you are inseparable friends!
Quina: (to Garnet) You want go to mall, buy thongs?
MiST: Good, but try it again with "slacker pants."
Quina: (to Garnet) You want go to mall, buy slacker pants?
MiST: Excellent! Which brings me to Amarant. Now, some parents might object to the term "Flaming…"
Amarant: (snorts) Whatever. I'm too cool for that name.
MiST: Yes! That's exactly the attitude we want to capture! Cool to the bone!
Amarant: (snorts) There's nothing you could possibly do to make me cooler.
MiST: Oh, I beg to differ. You'll be cooler than cool… as Zidane's lovable-loser best bud!
Amarant: (snorts; walks over to put his arm around Zidane's shoulders, tripping several times in the process.)
MiST: And that's all…
(A sigh of relief is heard from the other end of the table)
MiST: …Except for Kuja!
Kuja: Damn!
MiST: Now, questions have been raised about your appearance and sexuality… So we're going to dodge them all and make you a woman.
Kuja: I thought you said you were going to change my character?
Everyone: What?!
Kuja: Nothing! Nothing at all!
MiST: In closing, your game will now be about collecting jellybeans from friendly woodland creatures. See ya on the release date! (Walks out of room, cackling evilly)
Amarant: (snorts as MiST walks out) Hey, Zidane, my best buddy… Wanna go beat him down?
Zidane: (Pulls out stop sign) Oh, I'll go medieval on his ass…
Garnet: Like, totally!
Steiner: Word, yo! Straight up!
Vivi: Let us kick his bloody arse!
Eiko: Squeak squeaker squeak squeaker!
Quina: I show him cheerleader…
Kuja: Almost giving away my secret… He must die!
Everyone: (stares at Kuja)
Kuja: (blinks for a moment, then) Let's kick some ass!
Everyone: Yay! (Run out of room)