Title: Evil Vivi
Author: the random monkey
Date:
Author's Notes: This is a much more intellectual story than the other chapters. I won't insult my audience's intelligence, but if people review me and say they don't get it, I'll add an explanation to the end.
Please be aware that I have nothing against Evil Vivi stories. I think they're fun; I've never read one I didn't like. But that doesn't mean I can't poke fun at them. If you really have a problem with that, look at this not as a parody, but as a satire exploring the state of American mental healthcare as a whole, and the attitude of society in general toward the mentally ill. Try listening to Phil Collins' "Take Me Home" while reading it to get the full liberal outrage effect. Enjoy! I own nothing,
~*~*~*~*~*~*
We're there wherever trouble's starting
We're rebels without a clue
We drink milk right from the carton
And keep our library books 'till they're way overdue
-Weird Al Yankovic, "Young, Dumb and Ugly"
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ooh! It's starting!" squealed Vivi, with the kind of enthusiasm that only a nine-year-old boy could show.
Zidane stared up into the sky. The moon, full and bright, was beginning to wane, a deep shadow creeping over its face.
"It's beautiful," said a melodic voice. Zidane looked down to the dark-haired woman leaning against him with his arms wrapped around her, her face raised towards the night sky and her eyes filled with enchantment.
He smiled. "All the wonders of nature combined could equal but a fraction of thy beauty," he whispered .
Her gaze moved from the eclipse to the face of her love. "But be thy beauty removed, and still I am captivated by a true heart, full of love," she whispered back, smiling as her face inched closer to his. "Lament of the Star-Crossed Lovers. One of my favorite plays." Her face was close enough that Zidane could feel her sweet breath on his skin; he looked deep into her eyes as their lips touched-
"Gu-uys!" whimpered Vivi. "You're missing it!"
Garnet pulled away abruptly. "Y-yes, it's amazing," she said, though she seemed more interested at the moment in her feet than the sky.
Vivi looked back up into the sky at the shadow sliding across the moon, slowly blocking it from view. It crept across the white globe for what seemed like hours, until the eclipse was complete and the moon's light gone.
And that's when, with a scream of rage, Vivi snapped.
Zidane and Garnet both jumped at the sound of the young mage's inhuman cry. Then they simply stood, staring at the boy and wondering what had happened.
"Vivi?" breathed Garnet finally.
"The being known as Vivi is dead," the young boy said. His normally gentle, lilting voice had changed; it was now gravelly sounding, menacing. "Now there is only I... EVIL VIVI!" He spun around, cackling wickedly. His eyes, though still the same pale yellow color, seemed to have a new quality, a malevolence that seemed to sear into anyone who looked at the mage.
Garnet gasped, putting her hand to her mouth and backing away. Zidane, however, stood still, putting his hands on his hips and furrowing his brow. "But that means you're still Vivi," he said.
"No, I'm not," said Evil Vivi. "I am now... EVIL VIVI!" He cackled again.
"That makes you still Vivi," insisted Zidane. "Evil is an adjective, which modifies a noun, which in this case is the proper noun Vivi, making you still Vivi, albeit evil." He crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.
Both Garnet and Evil Vivi stared at Zidane, whose confused look soon changed to one of offense. "C'mon, I've been acting in classical plays for years. Of course I've picked up some grammar!"
Garnet shook herself from her stupor. "Well, the fact is, for some reason, Vivi is acting evil."
"He's not doing that, either," pointed out Zidane, finally moving to walk over toward Evil Vivi. "Except for cackling, he hasn't done one evil thi- OW!"
Evil Vivi giggled maliciously, Zidane's tail still grasped in his small hand. "Is pulling your tail not evil?" he asked sarcastically.
"Actually, no," said Zidane, pulling his tail from Vivi's grip and rubbing his behind. "Annoying, yes, but evil, no."
"You must be crazy!" shouted Evil Vivi angrily. "That's incredibly evil! And so is this!" Running over to Garnet, he reached up and slapped her on the bum.
Garnet shrieked and slapped Evil Vivi, then quickly moved over to Zidane's side. "He really is evil!" she said. "The real Vivi would never do that!"
"Oh, Vivi's been evil all along," said Evil Vivi. "He just repressed his evil side- which is me! But you don't have to take my word for it." He produced a library book from somewhere and held it out to Zidane.
Zidane took the book gingerly, as if it would explode, and examined the title on the spine. His eyes widened. "Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land! He IS evil!" exclaimed Zidane.
"That's not the best part," said Evil Vivi. "Check out the due date."
Zidane opened the book's cover and studied the date due slip. His eyes widened, and his trembling hands lost their grip on the book, which fell to the ground with a thud. "This book was due three years ago!" he whispered shakily, backing away from the fallen tome.
Evil Vivi cackled yet again. "Do you know that Vivi never once rewound a tape before returning it to the video store?" he said, a note of malice creeping into his voice. "Of course, no one probably knew that, because I think he was the only one who frequented the tentacle rape hentai section-"
"ENOUGH!" cried Zidane, anger suddenly flaring within him. "Enough! I'm convinced you're evil!" He leaned closer to Evil Vivi, peering deeply into the boy's impish yellow eyes. "But don't think for a second I believe that story about the hentai. For one thing, the videos were ALWAYS rewound-"
"ZIDANE!"
"Crap."
"Heeheeheeeee....."
"What is it, Doctor Tot?" Garnet asked. She sat in her former tutor's Treno apartment, eyes wide, hand clasping Zidane's for strength.
"Well-OW!- it seems-OW! that Vivi-OW has simply-OW! lost it-WILL YOU QUIT THAT??" he screamed to Evil Vivi,who had spent the last half-hour poking the doctor in the arm.
Evil Vivi giggled, mumbling the word "evil" under his breath.
"As I was saying," continued Dr. Tot, "Vivi has been under a lot of stress lately. That, combined with his young age and lack of worldly experience, has probably put a lot of strain on his psyche. I believe something about the eclipse triggered some part of his mind to act out. And since Vivi's self-concept doesn't allow him to act out, he created and alternate persona, Evil Vivi, as the perpetrator of the - GET OFF OF THERE!" he screamed, running over to a bookshelf and pulling off Evil Vivi, who had been trying to climb the shelves.
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Zidane.
Doctor Tot sighed. "Well, normally I would recommend a course of psychiatric counseling to help him with his underlying issues, combined with cognitive-behavioral therapy to help him deal with his emotions in more constructive ways, and possibly a course of antidepressants. But in this case, I think we can try a new, more experimental therapy. It's called-" he paused dramatically- "Talking Him Out of It."
"Talking Him Out of It?" repeated Garnet. "What is it?"
"Well, basically, we talk him out of it," said Doctor Tot. "I suggest we begin therapy now, because IF HE TOUCHES THAT GLOBE AGAIN, HIS ASS IS GRASS AND I'M THE LAWNMOWER!" he screamed toward Evil Vivi, who cackled and scampered away from the large globe that adorned Doctor Tot's apartment.
Zidane and Dr. Tot sat on the floor on either side of Garnet, who held Evil Vivi's squirming form in her arms.
"Let go of me!" he was shouting. "Put me down, you bi-"
"Vivi," Garnet interrupted, "It's okay. We still love you, no matter what you do."
"Yeah," said Zidane. "You're a good person, even if you do bad things every now and then."
"Right," agreed Dr. Tot. "Why look at Zidane! He was a pillaging, ale-swilling cutthroat, and he saved the world!"
"Watch it, Doc," muttered Zidane.
"The point is," continued Garnet, "No matter what's wrong, we're still your friends, and we still care about you."
Evil Vivi stopped fidgeting. "R-really?" he asked.
"Of course!" said Garnet.
"Yup," confirmed Zidane.
"That's right," affirmed Dr. Tot.
"But..." Evil Vivi began to fight again. "But I'm evil! I'm a bad, bad kid!"
"Oh, no, no," soothed Garnet, hugging Evil Vivi close to her. "You're a good person, no matter what! Vivi... Please, try to remember..."
"No..." moaned Vivi, struggling even harder. "No! I won't be fooled! But..." He began to stop struggling again. "I'm... all alone..."
"You're not alone," murmured Zidane, reaching over to stroke the small mage's back. "Don't you remember? You have us."
"I have... you... my friends..." Vivi whispered. He began to sob, burying his face in Garnet's chest. Garnet shushed him and held him close, stroking his back.
"Lucky bastard," muttered Zidane.
After Vivi calmed down, the three thanked Doctor Tot and began to leave.
"Wait!" cried Vivi suddenly, as the group walked out the door. He ran back inside Doctor Tot's apartment.
"What is it?" asked Garnet worriedly, as she and Zidane rushed back in after Vivi.
Vivi ran over to Doctor Tot. "That means you're really..." He reached up and pulled Doctor Tot's mask off.
The three gasped.
"Wayne Rogers!" cried Zidane.
"That's right," he sneered. "How was I supposed to know M*A*S*H would go on for eight more seasons after I quit? And what the hell was with that Trapper John, M.D. show about? I needed a job, one where millions of fangirls would know my name!" He scowled. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that mage!"
"B-but that means..." Zidane said, wide-eyed. He pulled off Garnet's mask.
Zidane and Vivi gasped.
"Mike Farrel!" exclaimed Vivi.
"That's right," he sneered. "I could have spent eleven years on M*A*S*H instead of eight, if only I had been cast as Trapper John instead of Wayne Rogers!" He scowled. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that mage!"
Zidane and Vivi stood silently for a moment. Then Zidane, pulling Vivi gently along with him by the shoulder, walked toward the door. "Let's go home."
~owari~
Author: the random monkey
Date:
Author's Notes: This is a much more intellectual story than the other chapters. I won't insult my audience's intelligence, but if people review me and say they don't get it, I'll add an explanation to the end.
Please be aware that I have nothing against Evil Vivi stories. I think they're fun; I've never read one I didn't like. But that doesn't mean I can't poke fun at them. If you really have a problem with that, look at this not as a parody, but as a satire exploring the state of American mental healthcare as a whole, and the attitude of society in general toward the mentally ill. Try listening to Phil Collins' "Take Me Home" while reading it to get the full liberal outrage effect. Enjoy! I own nothing,
~*~*~*~*~*~*
We're there wherever trouble's starting
We're rebels without a clue
We drink milk right from the carton
And keep our library books 'till they're way overdue
-Weird Al Yankovic, "Young, Dumb and Ugly"
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ooh! It's starting!" squealed Vivi, with the kind of enthusiasm that only a nine-year-old boy could show.
Zidane stared up into the sky. The moon, full and bright, was beginning to wane, a deep shadow creeping over its face.
"It's beautiful," said a melodic voice. Zidane looked down to the dark-haired woman leaning against him with his arms wrapped around her, her face raised towards the night sky and her eyes filled with enchantment.
He smiled. "All the wonders of nature combined could equal but a fraction of thy beauty," he whispered .
Her gaze moved from the eclipse to the face of her love. "But be thy beauty removed, and still I am captivated by a true heart, full of love," she whispered back, smiling as her face inched closer to his. "Lament of the Star-Crossed Lovers. One of my favorite plays." Her face was close enough that Zidane could feel her sweet breath on his skin; he looked deep into her eyes as their lips touched-
"Gu-uys!" whimpered Vivi. "You're missing it!"
Garnet pulled away abruptly. "Y-yes, it's amazing," she said, though she seemed more interested at the moment in her feet than the sky.
Vivi looked back up into the sky at the shadow sliding across the moon, slowly blocking it from view. It crept across the white globe for what seemed like hours, until the eclipse was complete and the moon's light gone.
And that's when, with a scream of rage, Vivi snapped.
Zidane and Garnet both jumped at the sound of the young mage's inhuman cry. Then they simply stood, staring at the boy and wondering what had happened.
"Vivi?" breathed Garnet finally.
"The being known as Vivi is dead," the young boy said. His normally gentle, lilting voice had changed; it was now gravelly sounding, menacing. "Now there is only I... EVIL VIVI!" He spun around, cackling wickedly. His eyes, though still the same pale yellow color, seemed to have a new quality, a malevolence that seemed to sear into anyone who looked at the mage.
Garnet gasped, putting her hand to her mouth and backing away. Zidane, however, stood still, putting his hands on his hips and furrowing his brow. "But that means you're still Vivi," he said.
"No, I'm not," said Evil Vivi. "I am now... EVIL VIVI!" He cackled again.
"That makes you still Vivi," insisted Zidane. "Evil is an adjective, which modifies a noun, which in this case is the proper noun Vivi, making you still Vivi, albeit evil." He crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.
Both Garnet and Evil Vivi stared at Zidane, whose confused look soon changed to one of offense. "C'mon, I've been acting in classical plays for years. Of course I've picked up some grammar!"
Garnet shook herself from her stupor. "Well, the fact is, for some reason, Vivi is acting evil."
"He's not doing that, either," pointed out Zidane, finally moving to walk over toward Evil Vivi. "Except for cackling, he hasn't done one evil thi- OW!"
Evil Vivi giggled maliciously, Zidane's tail still grasped in his small hand. "Is pulling your tail not evil?" he asked sarcastically.
"Actually, no," said Zidane, pulling his tail from Vivi's grip and rubbing his behind. "Annoying, yes, but evil, no."
"You must be crazy!" shouted Evil Vivi angrily. "That's incredibly evil! And so is this!" Running over to Garnet, he reached up and slapped her on the bum.
Garnet shrieked and slapped Evil Vivi, then quickly moved over to Zidane's side. "He really is evil!" she said. "The real Vivi would never do that!"
"Oh, Vivi's been evil all along," said Evil Vivi. "He just repressed his evil side- which is me! But you don't have to take my word for it." He produced a library book from somewhere and held it out to Zidane.
Zidane took the book gingerly, as if it would explode, and examined the title on the spine. His eyes widened. "Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land! He IS evil!" exclaimed Zidane.
"That's not the best part," said Evil Vivi. "Check out the due date."
Zidane opened the book's cover and studied the date due slip. His eyes widened, and his trembling hands lost their grip on the book, which fell to the ground with a thud. "This book was due three years ago!" he whispered shakily, backing away from the fallen tome.
Evil Vivi cackled yet again. "Do you know that Vivi never once rewound a tape before returning it to the video store?" he said, a note of malice creeping into his voice. "Of course, no one probably knew that, because I think he was the only one who frequented the tentacle rape hentai section-"
"ENOUGH!" cried Zidane, anger suddenly flaring within him. "Enough! I'm convinced you're evil!" He leaned closer to Evil Vivi, peering deeply into the boy's impish yellow eyes. "But don't think for a second I believe that story about the hentai. For one thing, the videos were ALWAYS rewound-"
"ZIDANE!"
"Crap."
"Heeheeheeeee....."
"What is it, Doctor Tot?" Garnet asked. She sat in her former tutor's Treno apartment, eyes wide, hand clasping Zidane's for strength.
"Well-OW!- it seems-OW! that Vivi-OW has simply-OW! lost it-WILL YOU QUIT THAT??" he screamed to Evil Vivi,who had spent the last half-hour poking the doctor in the arm.
Evil Vivi giggled, mumbling the word "evil" under his breath.
"As I was saying," continued Dr. Tot, "Vivi has been under a lot of stress lately. That, combined with his young age and lack of worldly experience, has probably put a lot of strain on his psyche. I believe something about the eclipse triggered some part of his mind to act out. And since Vivi's self-concept doesn't allow him to act out, he created and alternate persona, Evil Vivi, as the perpetrator of the - GET OFF OF THERE!" he screamed, running over to a bookshelf and pulling off Evil Vivi, who had been trying to climb the shelves.
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Zidane.
Doctor Tot sighed. "Well, normally I would recommend a course of psychiatric counseling to help him with his underlying issues, combined with cognitive-behavioral therapy to help him deal with his emotions in more constructive ways, and possibly a course of antidepressants. But in this case, I think we can try a new, more experimental therapy. It's called-" he paused dramatically- "Talking Him Out of It."
"Talking Him Out of It?" repeated Garnet. "What is it?"
"Well, basically, we talk him out of it," said Doctor Tot. "I suggest we begin therapy now, because IF HE TOUCHES THAT GLOBE AGAIN, HIS ASS IS GRASS AND I'M THE LAWNMOWER!" he screamed toward Evil Vivi, who cackled and scampered away from the large globe that adorned Doctor Tot's apartment.
Zidane and Dr. Tot sat on the floor on either side of Garnet, who held Evil Vivi's squirming form in her arms.
"Let go of me!" he was shouting. "Put me down, you bi-"
"Vivi," Garnet interrupted, "It's okay. We still love you, no matter what you do."
"Yeah," said Zidane. "You're a good person, even if you do bad things every now and then."
"Right," agreed Dr. Tot. "Why look at Zidane! He was a pillaging, ale-swilling cutthroat, and he saved the world!"
"Watch it, Doc," muttered Zidane.
"The point is," continued Garnet, "No matter what's wrong, we're still your friends, and we still care about you."
Evil Vivi stopped fidgeting. "R-really?" he asked.
"Of course!" said Garnet.
"Yup," confirmed Zidane.
"That's right," affirmed Dr. Tot.
"But..." Evil Vivi began to fight again. "But I'm evil! I'm a bad, bad kid!"
"Oh, no, no," soothed Garnet, hugging Evil Vivi close to her. "You're a good person, no matter what! Vivi... Please, try to remember..."
"No..." moaned Vivi, struggling even harder. "No! I won't be fooled! But..." He began to stop struggling again. "I'm... all alone..."
"You're not alone," murmured Zidane, reaching over to stroke the small mage's back. "Don't you remember? You have us."
"I have... you... my friends..." Vivi whispered. He began to sob, burying his face in Garnet's chest. Garnet shushed him and held him close, stroking his back.
"Lucky bastard," muttered Zidane.
After Vivi calmed down, the three thanked Doctor Tot and began to leave.
"Wait!" cried Vivi suddenly, as the group walked out the door. He ran back inside Doctor Tot's apartment.
"What is it?" asked Garnet worriedly, as she and Zidane rushed back in after Vivi.
Vivi ran over to Doctor Tot. "That means you're really..." He reached up and pulled Doctor Tot's mask off.
The three gasped.
"Wayne Rogers!" cried Zidane.
"That's right," he sneered. "How was I supposed to know M*A*S*H would go on for eight more seasons after I quit? And what the hell was with that Trapper John, M.D. show about? I needed a job, one where millions of fangirls would know my name!" He scowled. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that mage!"
"B-but that means..." Zidane said, wide-eyed. He pulled off Garnet's mask.
Zidane and Vivi gasped.
"Mike Farrel!" exclaimed Vivi.
"That's right," he sneered. "I could have spent eleven years on M*A*S*H instead of eight, if only I had been cast as Trapper John instead of Wayne Rogers!" He scowled. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that mage!"
Zidane and Vivi stood silently for a moment. Then Zidane, pulling Vivi gently along with him by the shoulder, walked toward the door. "Let's go home."
~owari~