Chapter 9 So Busted
"Momma, you are SOOO BUSTED!"
Still on my knees on the floor bending over the Prance, I focus on the red face and piercing hazel eyes of my husband. His nostrils are flaring. I swear I just saw some of the dark brown hair at his temples lighten even more towards gray.
Legolas tosses back his own blonde locks, pushes himself up onto his elbows, and thus brings his eyes level with my cleavage. A slow grin spreads across his face.
"I said, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" bellows Yes Dear.
"Look, Dad, Momma's giving Legolas CPR!" exclaims Little Pip, jumping up and down. "You know who he is, don't you Dad?!"
"Of course I know who HE is!" growls Yes Dear. "What I want to know is WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"
"Shee EEEEZ soe buestd!" Legolas beams with wide eyes, staring down my neckline.
Feeling the heat rushing to my cheeks, I scramble to my feet. "Don't just stand there, help me get him up!" I bark at Yes Dear. "Be careful, he hit his head awfully hard. Let's put him in the recliner there. Pip, hand me the ice pack, will you?"
I push the chair back, pop the footrest up, grab the ice pack from Pip, and press it against the rising knot on Legolas' forehead.
By the time Legolas is comfortable, Yes Dear's face has returned to normal color and his breathing evened out. He unclenches his jaw, and repeats in a carefully controlled voice, "What exactly is going on here?"
"Legolas hit his head on the sliding glass door. They don't have sliding glass doors in Middle Earth apparently," I answer, still holding the ice pack firmly in place.
His jaw is clenching again, and I can see the tiny ticking motion of the skin around his left eye. "I meant, what is he doing here in MY house?"
"He's been sleeping in your closet, Daddy. He's been eating all our elf cookies AND the cereal, and he's been playing with my Barbies too!"
"I was asking the question to your mother."
"Taddletel," mutters Legolas.
"Pip, go straighten up your room. Put the Barbies up for now, ok? I need to talk to your father."
"What about HIM? He played with them too!" Little Pip points her finger at the invalid Prance, outraged that Legolas is going to get to lay back in the recliner with his feet up while she cleans up the huge mess they have left in the middle of her floor.
"I'll send him back to help you in a minute, when the swelling stops. You go get started." I watch as she crosses her arms, sticks out her lower lip, and stomps off down the hallway.
"You," I address the stretched out Prance, "hold this yourself. Don't take it off until I tell you it is ok."
"Yaes, milaydee," he murmurs, eyes now downcast.
I take Yes Dear by the hand and lead him to the kitchen table. While he sits, I pour us each a glass of iced tea, wishing it were a little later in the day so I could have something a good bit stronger instead. I dig through the cabinet and find what is left of the package of Keebler elf cookies. These will make an appropriate sacrifice I think, carrying them to the table too.
I start at the beginning, and tell the whole thing from the end of the movie when I first discovered Legolas on the floor, all the way up to how he managed to knock himself silly on the door. The CPR part is self- explanatory.
Or so I thought.
"He really wasn't breathing? Are you sure?" Yes Dear asks, for the third time.
"I'm telling you, it's not like that! I've told you a million times before," I persist. "I don't look at him that way. I see him. . . differently. . . than others do."
Yes Dear glances over at his recliner chair, currently inhabited by a sprawled out Prance with a ice pack pressed to the center of his forehead. The same Prance that just a few minutes ago was lying on the floor with his lips touching mine. My lips that belong to Yes Dear, my husband.
Legolas eyes him right back.
"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Yes Dear asks, breaking eye contact with Legolas and returning his scowl to me.
"I guess I'll keep him awake for a while to make sure he doesn't have a brain hemorrhage or something," I sigh, resting my weary head on my hands on the tabletop. This is not going according to my plan at all.
"I meant what are you going to do about HIM. He can't stay here forever."
"I suppose this means he can come out of the closet," I reply.
Yes Dear and I make eye contact as the depth of that statement sinks in. Suddenly we are snickering and tittering just like Gandalf and Frodo meeting each other at Bag End.
"Whut? Whut r u laffin abot?" Legolas erupts from the chair, knowing full well that we are laughing at his expense, though he has no idea why.
"Now he's coming out of the chair too!" Yes Dear cackles, now totally lost in the giggling fits we are having.
"Hae! Hae! I komand u tu stoep dat laffin rite now!" The ice pack is discarded on the floor, the chair abandoned.
"You better stop laughing," I warn, forcing on my straight face and trying to be serious. "He does things when he gets angry!" I pause, and then another burst of laughter rushes out of me, accompanied at the end by a snort.
"Ha! You snorted first!" squeals Yes Dear, pointing his finger at me and snorting himself.
Legolas has drawn himself up to full height and assumed the Elven warrior pose. I notice a funny odor in the kitchen.
"I em da Prance of Murkwuud, an I komand dat u stoep dat laffin! U weel stoep dat laffin at me rite noew!"
Yes, there is a fell smell in the air here. A smell of something hot, smoldering. The air seems to be getting hotter too.
I glance over at the Prance, who is doing the Galadriel thing again. His hair is blowing about, he is taller than I remember him from before, and there is a white-hot glow emanating from his persona. Not to mention the distinct burning smell directly associated with where he is standing.
"He looks just like Galadriel!" Yes Dear crows, holding his side with one hand and gripping the table to keep from falling out of his chair with the other.
" I know! I know!" I howl, unable to stop laughing at this point even if my life depended on it. Which, by the look on Legolas' face, may very well be the case very soon.
" I SED STOEP DAT LAFFIN RITE NOEW!!" He is so angry now he is actually shaking.
"He's gonna blow! " hollers Yes Dear, losing his battle and falling to the floor in a fit of convulsive cackles.
"Ok, ok, we will stop, Legolas, I promise, we will stop laughing right now." I give Yes Dear a nudge in the ribs with my toe. When this only escalates the sniggering from the floor, I give him another nudge a little harder and a little better placed.
"Ow, not the balls, not the balls!" Yes Dear sounds remarkably like Gimli at this point. I see Legolas is having a memory too, for he has cocked his head sideways and the glow has receded a bit.
I nudge Yes Dear again. "Now you have to apologize," I tell him. "Say you're sorry."
"I didn't start it. You did. Besides, HE needs to say he's sorry for kissing MY wife!"
"I deed nod kees ur wiefe! Whin I woek up, shi wuz keesing ME!" Legolas counters.
"Legolas! " I exclaim. "You weren't breathing! I wasn't kissing you, I was giving you mouth to mouth resuscitation!"
"Faelt like keesin tu me..," the Prance mumbles.
"Looked like kissing to me too, Legolas," Yes Dear affirms.
"You say you're sorry first," I break in, pointing at Yes Dear. "Then you say you are sorry too," I point at Legolas. "Then, if I am not still mad at both of you for taking advantage of my kindness, I might say I am sorry too. Now do it!"
"Sorry," mumbles Yes Dear.
"Sorry," replies Legolas, extending a hand to help Yes Dear off of the floor.
They both turn to look at me, expectantly. I eyeball them both. "Ok, I'm sorry too," I acknowledge. We stand there, awkwardly looking around, trying not to make eye contact with each other.
I look at Legolas out of the corner of my eye. A tiny smile has appeared on his lips, and he has a twinkle in his eye. A quick glance at Yes Dear reveals the same expression on his face. Now my own is a mirror image of both of theirs.
It is the Prance of Mirkwood who makes the first move, as a tiny snicker escapes his lips. He is soon joined by Yes Dear and myself, as another round of absurd laughter envelops us. Pip is soon standing there, looking at us as if we have all gone mad.
"What is going on here?" she says.
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Responses to Reviewers:
Gotta get out of the way quick! Legolas is SO excited and anxious to tell you all how much he likes to read your reviews. I tell you things HAPPEN when he gets excited, you don't know the half of it yet! He is waving madly and leaning all over me trying to get to the keyboard, so let me get started . . ..
Mom: I know, you needed Legolas to show you how to submit the review, didn't you? I will bring him when I come in a couple days. Thanks for looking at the commas and things that Tree and YD start laughing about too hard to find and fix! I always knew you would give me an A++! Hae Grammar Laedie!
TreeHugger: I named this chapter just for us! And I would write faster, if I could. With all these voices going at the same time, it is a wonder I can think straight as it is! Thanks for being my beta! Hae TreaHueggr!
PuterPatty: You're jealous of me? Would you like YD breathing down your neck? Oh, you only want the Prance. You've gotten him in trouble once already, haven't you? *evil laughter* You may look and listen but as Gandalf would say "You shall not make a pass!" Hae PuderPaddie! I waent tu kum ober tu ur hoese, okae?
Sake: It's a big responsibility! What if I failed? Everyone on earth would be right behind PP, TH, and Irena after me! Hae Sake!
Anja: I know you are out there! Push the little purple button, Legolas wants to talk to you too! Hae leedle german gurl!
For Heaven's Sake, Legolas! Back up and I will just get out of the seat and let you have the keyboard before I need CPR, ok? *al pushes the Prance aside and gets bowled over in his haste to get to the computer to tell his friends how much he loves them*
Elu Heneb: hae Elu! Elu!!! Whur hab u bean? I meesed u. I deed nod meen tu skeeer u. I m okae noew. She mus hab lernd hoew tu kees lik dat in won of dose buuks at da liberry. She haz a heeler deeplomba, cuz she shoed id tu me las weak.
AloriaMoonbeam: TheLastFae: I thank faeriz r amaezing tu! Maebe dis womin hear iz sum kien of faerie. . . ?
gershwin: I m all bedder, but I weel put ur naem bie da thang da makez da ranging noieze in kase da womin neads to cael fur hep, okae?
Newmoon: I em glaed u liked id! An soe maeny tiemz! I lub plaein wid da Baerbeez. Pip haz a lod of Baerbee stuff, eben a beeg wite hoerse!
Teleplinde Greenleaf: U mite nead sum of dose Depenz soe u stae drie whin u reed abot me. Goe an git a beeg boex, cuz dis iz da storied dat neber endz!
IRENA: TREAHUEGGR SED TU TIPE LIKE DIS SOE U KULD FIEND ID!! Me an Pip maed sum colurd thangs ta steek on da doar soe I doen git huert agin. Dat smaertd! I thank id mite bea aelmos as baed az habin a baebee. . . .Wanna sea hoew I kin put my fuut ovr my haed? Wach. . . .
Ellewyn Greenleaf: Hae Ellewyn! *wavz maedly* I here NZ iz grate bud da waethr iz unperdiktabl. Bedder git a theek kape befur wee goe.
Elle & Dee: Dere r loetz moer tu tael! Deed I here somone sae Assfelloff. . . *draws bow and arrow and wanders off*
Legolas! Get back here! You are not done yet!
Oohh, soerrie!
Skye Rocket: Hoep dis chaeptr heps u wid ur krisees! Sumtimz I thank my oen krisees iz gittin wurse tu. Haeng een dere!
Seal: I m glaed onlie da noze maed a maerk, an noed da hoel kake! I am jest fien, az u kin sea.
Undomiel Greenleaf: Hae Ada! I deedn't noe u wuz hear oen moedrn erfth! I wuz glaed tu here frum u!
Rayvin 813: I lub hueegz! Dey taest like leedle Hareshey keesez! I lub keesez tu! Pip saez Thankz u fer da Courtney doel! Dat wuz varry niec of u.
Endomiel: Dat doar lef a nassy maerk on my haed. I weel bea verry kareful arond doars noew. I thot id wuz opeen tu!
Crazy Cookie Monster: Glaed u r bak! I lub dis womin whoe teaks kare of me. She biez me elf kookeez! An keesez tu!
Update: Whoe iz dat? I thank dat Naezgool iz bak! TreaHugger sez tu tael u "Hi! She red dat!" Yes Dear iz jaelous of ur buuks! (an she deed kees me! I wuz dere, I noe she deed!) She sez she weel rite moer faestr if TH addz her owen kommaz. *grins*
Elvea Aure aka Amanfalathiel: Legolas has ducked under the computer table. I had to give him a paperclip to calm him down, I want you to know!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't forget to tell Legolas that you are out there! He loves his fan mail reviews, and likes to respond personally as you can see! Next chapter..nekkid Legolas takes a bath!
"Momma, you are SOOO BUSTED!"
Still on my knees on the floor bending over the Prance, I focus on the red face and piercing hazel eyes of my husband. His nostrils are flaring. I swear I just saw some of the dark brown hair at his temples lighten even more towards gray.
Legolas tosses back his own blonde locks, pushes himself up onto his elbows, and thus brings his eyes level with my cleavage. A slow grin spreads across his face.
"I said, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" bellows Yes Dear.
"Look, Dad, Momma's giving Legolas CPR!" exclaims Little Pip, jumping up and down. "You know who he is, don't you Dad?!"
"Of course I know who HE is!" growls Yes Dear. "What I want to know is WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"
"Shee EEEEZ soe buestd!" Legolas beams with wide eyes, staring down my neckline.
Feeling the heat rushing to my cheeks, I scramble to my feet. "Don't just stand there, help me get him up!" I bark at Yes Dear. "Be careful, he hit his head awfully hard. Let's put him in the recliner there. Pip, hand me the ice pack, will you?"
I push the chair back, pop the footrest up, grab the ice pack from Pip, and press it against the rising knot on Legolas' forehead.
By the time Legolas is comfortable, Yes Dear's face has returned to normal color and his breathing evened out. He unclenches his jaw, and repeats in a carefully controlled voice, "What exactly is going on here?"
"Legolas hit his head on the sliding glass door. They don't have sliding glass doors in Middle Earth apparently," I answer, still holding the ice pack firmly in place.
His jaw is clenching again, and I can see the tiny ticking motion of the skin around his left eye. "I meant, what is he doing here in MY house?"
"He's been sleeping in your closet, Daddy. He's been eating all our elf cookies AND the cereal, and he's been playing with my Barbies too!"
"I was asking the question to your mother."
"Taddletel," mutters Legolas.
"Pip, go straighten up your room. Put the Barbies up for now, ok? I need to talk to your father."
"What about HIM? He played with them too!" Little Pip points her finger at the invalid Prance, outraged that Legolas is going to get to lay back in the recliner with his feet up while she cleans up the huge mess they have left in the middle of her floor.
"I'll send him back to help you in a minute, when the swelling stops. You go get started." I watch as she crosses her arms, sticks out her lower lip, and stomps off down the hallway.
"You," I address the stretched out Prance, "hold this yourself. Don't take it off until I tell you it is ok."
"Yaes, milaydee," he murmurs, eyes now downcast.
I take Yes Dear by the hand and lead him to the kitchen table. While he sits, I pour us each a glass of iced tea, wishing it were a little later in the day so I could have something a good bit stronger instead. I dig through the cabinet and find what is left of the package of Keebler elf cookies. These will make an appropriate sacrifice I think, carrying them to the table too.
I start at the beginning, and tell the whole thing from the end of the movie when I first discovered Legolas on the floor, all the way up to how he managed to knock himself silly on the door. The CPR part is self- explanatory.
Or so I thought.
"He really wasn't breathing? Are you sure?" Yes Dear asks, for the third time.
"I'm telling you, it's not like that! I've told you a million times before," I persist. "I don't look at him that way. I see him. . . differently. . . than others do."
Yes Dear glances over at his recliner chair, currently inhabited by a sprawled out Prance with a ice pack pressed to the center of his forehead. The same Prance that just a few minutes ago was lying on the floor with his lips touching mine. My lips that belong to Yes Dear, my husband.
Legolas eyes him right back.
"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Yes Dear asks, breaking eye contact with Legolas and returning his scowl to me.
"I guess I'll keep him awake for a while to make sure he doesn't have a brain hemorrhage or something," I sigh, resting my weary head on my hands on the tabletop. This is not going according to my plan at all.
"I meant what are you going to do about HIM. He can't stay here forever."
"I suppose this means he can come out of the closet," I reply.
Yes Dear and I make eye contact as the depth of that statement sinks in. Suddenly we are snickering and tittering just like Gandalf and Frodo meeting each other at Bag End.
"Whut? Whut r u laffin abot?" Legolas erupts from the chair, knowing full well that we are laughing at his expense, though he has no idea why.
"Now he's coming out of the chair too!" Yes Dear cackles, now totally lost in the giggling fits we are having.
"Hae! Hae! I komand u tu stoep dat laffin rite now!" The ice pack is discarded on the floor, the chair abandoned.
"You better stop laughing," I warn, forcing on my straight face and trying to be serious. "He does things when he gets angry!" I pause, and then another burst of laughter rushes out of me, accompanied at the end by a snort.
"Ha! You snorted first!" squeals Yes Dear, pointing his finger at me and snorting himself.
Legolas has drawn himself up to full height and assumed the Elven warrior pose. I notice a funny odor in the kitchen.
"I em da Prance of Murkwuud, an I komand dat u stoep dat laffin! U weel stoep dat laffin at me rite noew!"
Yes, there is a fell smell in the air here. A smell of something hot, smoldering. The air seems to be getting hotter too.
I glance over at the Prance, who is doing the Galadriel thing again. His hair is blowing about, he is taller than I remember him from before, and there is a white-hot glow emanating from his persona. Not to mention the distinct burning smell directly associated with where he is standing.
"He looks just like Galadriel!" Yes Dear crows, holding his side with one hand and gripping the table to keep from falling out of his chair with the other.
" I know! I know!" I howl, unable to stop laughing at this point even if my life depended on it. Which, by the look on Legolas' face, may very well be the case very soon.
" I SED STOEP DAT LAFFIN RITE NOEW!!" He is so angry now he is actually shaking.
"He's gonna blow! " hollers Yes Dear, losing his battle and falling to the floor in a fit of convulsive cackles.
"Ok, ok, we will stop, Legolas, I promise, we will stop laughing right now." I give Yes Dear a nudge in the ribs with my toe. When this only escalates the sniggering from the floor, I give him another nudge a little harder and a little better placed.
"Ow, not the balls, not the balls!" Yes Dear sounds remarkably like Gimli at this point. I see Legolas is having a memory too, for he has cocked his head sideways and the glow has receded a bit.
I nudge Yes Dear again. "Now you have to apologize," I tell him. "Say you're sorry."
"I didn't start it. You did. Besides, HE needs to say he's sorry for kissing MY wife!"
"I deed nod kees ur wiefe! Whin I woek up, shi wuz keesing ME!" Legolas counters.
"Legolas! " I exclaim. "You weren't breathing! I wasn't kissing you, I was giving you mouth to mouth resuscitation!"
"Faelt like keesin tu me..," the Prance mumbles.
"Looked like kissing to me too, Legolas," Yes Dear affirms.
"You say you're sorry first," I break in, pointing at Yes Dear. "Then you say you are sorry too," I point at Legolas. "Then, if I am not still mad at both of you for taking advantage of my kindness, I might say I am sorry too. Now do it!"
"Sorry," mumbles Yes Dear.
"Sorry," replies Legolas, extending a hand to help Yes Dear off of the floor.
They both turn to look at me, expectantly. I eyeball them both. "Ok, I'm sorry too," I acknowledge. We stand there, awkwardly looking around, trying not to make eye contact with each other.
I look at Legolas out of the corner of my eye. A tiny smile has appeared on his lips, and he has a twinkle in his eye. A quick glance at Yes Dear reveals the same expression on his face. Now my own is a mirror image of both of theirs.
It is the Prance of Mirkwood who makes the first move, as a tiny snicker escapes his lips. He is soon joined by Yes Dear and myself, as another round of absurd laughter envelops us. Pip is soon standing there, looking at us as if we have all gone mad.
"What is going on here?" she says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Responses to Reviewers:
Gotta get out of the way quick! Legolas is SO excited and anxious to tell you all how much he likes to read your reviews. I tell you things HAPPEN when he gets excited, you don't know the half of it yet! He is waving madly and leaning all over me trying to get to the keyboard, so let me get started . . ..
Mom: I know, you needed Legolas to show you how to submit the review, didn't you? I will bring him when I come in a couple days. Thanks for looking at the commas and things that Tree and YD start laughing about too hard to find and fix! I always knew you would give me an A++! Hae Grammar Laedie!
TreeHugger: I named this chapter just for us! And I would write faster, if I could. With all these voices going at the same time, it is a wonder I can think straight as it is! Thanks for being my beta! Hae TreaHueggr!
PuterPatty: You're jealous of me? Would you like YD breathing down your neck? Oh, you only want the Prance. You've gotten him in trouble once already, haven't you? *evil laughter* You may look and listen but as Gandalf would say "You shall not make a pass!" Hae PuderPaddie! I waent tu kum ober tu ur hoese, okae?
Sake: It's a big responsibility! What if I failed? Everyone on earth would be right behind PP, TH, and Irena after me! Hae Sake!
Anja: I know you are out there! Push the little purple button, Legolas wants to talk to you too! Hae leedle german gurl!
For Heaven's Sake, Legolas! Back up and I will just get out of the seat and let you have the keyboard before I need CPR, ok? *al pushes the Prance aside and gets bowled over in his haste to get to the computer to tell his friends how much he loves them*
Elu Heneb: hae Elu! Elu!!! Whur hab u bean? I meesed u. I deed nod meen tu skeeer u. I m okae noew. She mus hab lernd hoew tu kees lik dat in won of dose buuks at da liberry. She haz a heeler deeplomba, cuz she shoed id tu me las weak.
AloriaMoonbeam: TheLastFae: I thank faeriz r amaezing tu! Maebe dis womin hear iz sum kien of faerie. . . ?
gershwin: I m all bedder, but I weel put ur naem bie da thang da makez da ranging noieze in kase da womin neads to cael fur hep, okae?
Newmoon: I em glaed u liked id! An soe maeny tiemz! I lub plaein wid da Baerbeez. Pip haz a lod of Baerbee stuff, eben a beeg wite hoerse!
Teleplinde Greenleaf: U mite nead sum of dose Depenz soe u stae drie whin u reed abot me. Goe an git a beeg boex, cuz dis iz da storied dat neber endz!
IRENA: TREAHUEGGR SED TU TIPE LIKE DIS SOE U KULD FIEND ID!! Me an Pip maed sum colurd thangs ta steek on da doar soe I doen git huert agin. Dat smaertd! I thank id mite bea aelmos as baed az habin a baebee. . . .Wanna sea hoew I kin put my fuut ovr my haed? Wach. . . .
Ellewyn Greenleaf: Hae Ellewyn! *wavz maedly* I here NZ iz grate bud da waethr iz unperdiktabl. Bedder git a theek kape befur wee goe.
Elle & Dee: Dere r loetz moer tu tael! Deed I here somone sae Assfelloff. . . *draws bow and arrow and wanders off*
Legolas! Get back here! You are not done yet!
Oohh, soerrie!
Skye Rocket: Hoep dis chaeptr heps u wid ur krisees! Sumtimz I thank my oen krisees iz gittin wurse tu. Haeng een dere!
Seal: I m glaed onlie da noze maed a maerk, an noed da hoel kake! I am jest fien, az u kin sea.
Undomiel Greenleaf: Hae Ada! I deedn't noe u wuz hear oen moedrn erfth! I wuz glaed tu here frum u!
Rayvin 813: I lub hueegz! Dey taest like leedle Hareshey keesez! I lub keesez tu! Pip saez Thankz u fer da Courtney doel! Dat wuz varry niec of u.
Endomiel: Dat doar lef a nassy maerk on my haed. I weel bea verry kareful arond doars noew. I thot id wuz opeen tu!
Crazy Cookie Monster: Glaed u r bak! I lub dis womin whoe teaks kare of me. She biez me elf kookeez! An keesez tu!
Update: Whoe iz dat? I thank dat Naezgool iz bak! TreaHugger sez tu tael u "Hi! She red dat!" Yes Dear iz jaelous of ur buuks! (an she deed kees me! I wuz dere, I noe she deed!) She sez she weel rite moer faestr if TH addz her owen kommaz. *grins*
Elvea Aure aka Amanfalathiel: Legolas has ducked under the computer table. I had to give him a paperclip to calm him down, I want you to know!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't forget to tell Legolas that you are out there! He loves his fan mail reviews, and likes to respond personally as you can see! Next chapter..nekkid Legolas takes a bath!