A/N: It's real life, non-fiction. I really mean it. No one owns him; he's a
free spirit. This chapter has been ready for a week now, but Prance Free
Spirit has had the lust for Halloween candy so bad that he couldn't sit
still long enough to answer all of you. It has taken him forever to type up
his responses to his fans. Shoot your arrows at him for being late this
time.
I took him out into the neighborhood for Halloween, but when I tried to take his picture, he got all shy and embarrassed and hid from the camera. When we got home, I found he had put his "costume" on the cardboard replica of himself that I got from Waldenbooks. I DID get a picture of that, and put it up for you to see on my bio page (click on my name above to go see it). It's not quite the same as the real thing was, but you get the idea.
Let's see, we left off with Little Pip wanting to know what was going on. . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 10 He Forgot His Towel
Sounds just like her father, doesn't she?
As the laughter subsides, Little Pip crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me. Her left foot is tap, tap, tapping on the floor. She might sound like her father, but she looks exactly like me.
"I don't think this is funny at all. You said you were going to make him come back and help me clean up, and ya'll are out here laughing," she pouts.
"I em soerie, Leedle Peep," Legolas says.
"What are you laughing about?" she asks.
"I told your dad how Legolas came to live in the closet. Now we are trying to decide what to do with him," I tell her.
Legolas looks at me with the big puppy dog eyes.
"He can live in my room," Little Pip offers, adopting the puppy dog eyes herself as they both turn to look at me.
Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
I too put on my best lost puppy look, and all three of us look piteously at Yes Dear, begging like a whole litter of little starving Basset Hounds.
"Come on, Dad, can we keep him?" asks Little Pip.
"No. He must go back," says Yes Dear.
"But Dad, he's lost!" counters Pip, turning the heat up a notch.
"No," Yes Dear insists.
Moving to put her arms around his neck, she kisses her father's cheek. He melts like the lava in Mount Doom.
She drops her voice to a very soft whisper, and gives it one more try, "Please, Dad?"
After a moment of hesitation, he says, "Well, just for now. He can stay in the blue guest room." He has cracked, but swiftly recovers by adding, " But only until we can figure a way to get him back to Middle-earth."
"YEEEAAAA DAD!!!!!" shouts Little Pip, doing her most superb champion college cheerleader routine. "You're The Best Dad in the Whole Wide World!"
"Yaeh, da baest Daed dere eber wuz!" joins in Legolas, grinning from ear to pointed ear while looking at Little Pip and bouncing up and down, trying to imitate her actions.
Me, you ask? What did I say? Well, lets just say that CPR sometimes IS a lot like kissing . . ..
~~~~~~~~~~
Legolas goes with Little Pip to finish straightening up the Barbies, and Yes Dear and I go about our normal evening routine. As we are working in the kitchen together, Little Pip returns, her nose wrinkled up. She stands beside me, waiting.
"What's the matter?" I ask as I prepare the salad for dinner. "You aren't being impolite to your guest by making him clean up all by himself, are you?"
"Momma," she whispers, "Legolas has a problem."
"What is it?" I ask, not looking up from the carrot I am chopping.
"He, well. . . he. . .uhm. . . "
I continue chopping, waiting while she stalls.
"He sort of, well. . . ."
Glancing up, I realize she is not just creating a ruse to avoid cleaning up, but is actually serious about whatever the matter is.
"You're not gonna tell me that he peed on the carpet, are you?" I inquire, joking with her. With four cats and an invalid 18-year-old dog in the house, accidents DO tend to happen. Accidents that Pip would rather die than clean up by herself. Did I say clean up? She won't even touch the gallon jug that the clean kitty litter comes in.
"No, not that, it's just that he. . . well, he ummm. . ."
"Just say it!" I blurt out.
"Momma, Legolas smells. He smells BAD. Like he's been smoking cigarettes or something."
Ahh, I think, so the Galadriel effect has not entirely dissipated.
About this time, the Prance himself comes trudging down the hallway, fingering his left warrior braid as if he is thinking of asking me something but is reluctant to mention it. His nose is wrinkled up too.
"What's the matter, Legolas?" I ask.
"I seam tu hav devaellupd an oeder. I wuz wundering eef I culd sumhoew hav sum wader weeth sich tu waesh."
He's right. So is Little Pip. Legolas certainly does have a problem. He smells bad. Not terribly bad, but compared to before, a definite change in aroma lurks about the Prance. The heat from the Galadriel sized temper tantrum must have set off the atomic particles that cause elf-smell, because Legolas has certainly got it.
Trying not to be impolite by wrinkling my own nose, I leave the salad bowl and gesture for him to follow me. I lead the way down the hallway to the bathroom, and as I get to the tub, I hear him clear his throat behind me.
"What is it?" I ask, noting the hesitation and the skeptical look on his face.
"Wael, not dat u doen't keap id VARY kleaen, but. . . id's jest dat I thank I mite bea a beet tu beeg fur dat baesin dere. . . " he nods his head toward the toilet.
I can't help but giggle. "No, Legolas, we don't use that to bathe in!" I guess with the shower curtain drawn, he has not seen the bathtub. Middle- earth may have chamber pots instead of flushing toilets, but surely they have some sort of tub to put water in to bathe! I pull the curtain back, saying, "We use this one, and you can sit down in it and soak like in a lake, or stand up like under a waterfall."
He gives the tub a good looking over. "Whut ar dose shieny thangz?" he inquires.
"Those are the faucets; that's where the water comes out." Pointing to the showerhead, I explain, "this one makes a waterfall, and that one," I point to the spout, "is the one that fills it up like a lake."
"We've got a hot tub, too!" exclaims Little Pip, who has followed us on the Grand Bathroom Tour.
"A hoet tueb?" asks Legolas. "U meen like a hoet sprang, wear da waeter buebblz up ael da tiem?"
"Yes! It's out on the deck," Pip answers, all excited now. "It's big enough to hold 3 or 4 people," she says. "I take Barbie, and Teresa, and Ken swimming in it with their trained killer whales."
"Keeler Wellz?!" he exclaims, his eyes wide. He turns to me and asks, "Ar doez like Wargs?"
"Not at all. Very fishy for a mammal. Very friendly, very small, very plastic in this case," I assure him.
"Oh. . . .okae," he says. "Kin I sea dis hoet tueb?"
"Right this way, " I work my way past him toward the hallway, and then back out to the den.
As I reach to open the sliding glass door, I feel a strong hand gripping my shoulder. "Bea karefuel!" he warns. "Thear eez sum tipe of whizardree goen on dere. U kannot paes thru dere. An eenvizabel foerce noked me on da haed whin I triead id." He nods towards Little Pip who is following along behind us. "Onlee Leedle Peep seemz tu noe hoew tu deefeet da spael."
"Ah, it IS devilry, Legolas! But I too know how to unlock the spell, as you call it. Watch carefully, and I will show you." I push the little gold latch to unlock the door, then slide the glass frame to the right. "See? Look how easy it is to unlock the spell."
"Woew. . . ," mouths Legolas.
So easily entertained.
I move to uncover the hot tub. Legolas is standing just to my right, and still has that dumbstruck look on his face. He stares down at the water, marveling at the clarity I guess.
"Woew. . . " he says again. "U eben hav a pet tuerdle een it."
"WHAT?!" I jerk to attention. "A pet turtle?" I realize he is looking at the floating turtle shaped temperature gauge. "Oh, that is plastic too, Legolas. That's a decoration on the temperature gauge that tells us about the heat of the water. That's so we can make sure it's not too hot or too cold when we want to get in."
"Here's the button that you push to make the bubbles," says Little Pip, starting up the jets. Foaming bubbles pop up everywhere as the motor kicks in. Legolas gives a little start, but soon settles down. He is finally getting used to modern electrical conveniences and their inherent noises, I guess.
"Buebblez. . . " he murmurs, staring at the foam.
"Can we get in, Mom?" asks Little Pip.
"I guess you could take a quick dip before supper," I tell her. "Go put your bathing suit on and get your Barbies. I'll go see if your dad has a bathing suit or a pair of shorts Legolas can wear."
I head back to our "enchanted" sliding glass door, and just as I reach to pull the door open, I catch a flash of light from the corner of my eye. My brain tells me I did not see that which was just reflected in the glass. I stop dead in my tracks, and Little Pip does the patented Hobbit move of running headlong into my back.
I close my eyes for an instant, wanting to peek, knowing what my eyes have just told my brain cannot possibly be happening . . .
There is a loud splash, and Little Pip grabs my arm. I turn to her, thinking It can't be. There's no way I missed that. . .
There beside the hot tub lies a pile of hastily discarded clothes, all greens and browns, with a silky silver fabric layered on top. Lounging in my hot tub, eyes closed, head thrown back, blonde locks spilling forth, arms outstretched over the sides, smiling as if he has just won a lifetime supply of Lothlorien arrows, is Middle-earth's finest, the Prance of Mirkwood.
"Mom, is he. . .?" whispers Pip.
"Yep," I answer.
"Are we allowed. . .??" she asks.
"Nope," I sigh.
"Mom, he forgot his towel."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Responses to Reviewers:
All right, Legolas, here is where you begin. Sit down, this will take you awhile.
Hae eberibuddy! Soerrie I em laete. *pops Hershey's kiss between his lips*
TreeHugger: Little Pip is definitely a non-fiction kid. As is Legolas. As you can plainly see. Thanks for being my beta, and for catching that "r" before anyone else did! Hae Treahueggr! I em laernin ael kiendz of thangz abot mordon erth. Wuld u like tu com git in da hoet tueb wid me? * breaks off a piece of mini Hershey bar and eats it*
Newmoon: Yes Dear is quite patient and understanding. I doen git it. In my kloset I jest opeen da doar an goe in an out. Hoew duz urz wurk? An al sez I muest sae I em sorrie fur taekin soe loeng tu tipe dese up an maekin her chaepter laet.
SarWolfe Snape: U aent sean nuthin yeat! I hav foend all kinz of neu thangs hear tu git eentu. *downs mini Mr. Goodbar*
Eve Eastborne: I lub u tu! U kin jest cael da womin al, okae? Wader is four drankin an kleenin, an elektrasity is fur maekin da wader git hoet fur da jaetz in da hoet tueb, rite?
JastaElf: HAE Jasta! HAE Ada! I feal muech bedder noew. I em mot shur I waent tu goe tu Dol Guldur agin, eben fur won of Ada's paertiez. Kin I pik out my oen klothez? I thaenk I wuld due bedder tu stae hear an sufr da net. (Sufring {sic} the Net, Jasta??! You just can't leave him be, can you?!) U r welkom fur da birfdae kard. I meent every wurd, and da muezik wuz espesialie fur u tu. . . Daemmit, *wavez haendz at beez buezzin my haed* I sed goe awae!
Sake: I em muech bedder, thankz! We boeth shuld wach out whur ouer haedz r goen, doen u thank? I hoep u feal bedder noew tu. If not, I culd sen al ober dere. . .she is guud at dat Sea Pee Ar thang. *unwraps another Hershey's kiss*
PuterPatty: I fael tu sea wud is soe eggcitin abot takin a baf wile everbueddy wachez. I waded bie da doar tu go an git my hare coern roed wid u, and den tu goe tu kwior praktice, but al sed u muest hav haed trubl wid ur kar. Kin we trie agin? * licks chocolate from Kit Kat Bar, then eats cookie insides separate. *
Stimpy: Elbz ar nateralie kleen beengz, but we all lern erly on hoew tu kleen ouer lethr oudergaermintz. Dat is a nessessery leassun at aerchr'z skool, an is tot in da fierst yeer. Won dae suen I weel teech u hoew.
Sailor Nova: u muest git a lief, my deer. al is da ultamite prokrasteenator. She kin maek id taek all dae tu git frum won ruum tu de oder, espaesialie wid doez krutchz she is uzin rite noew. R we havin cheez? I luv cheez!
Mom: Hae Grammar Laedie!! I haed an eggsellint tiem ad ur houez. Thangs fur leddin me and da doeggie and da kiddiez stae wid u. Whin id snowz, I weel shoew u hoew tu waelk on toep, okae? An thangs fur teechin al dat Sea Pee Ar. . . she is reely guud! LEGOLAS!!! I fouen id kwite eenjoeable! LEGOLAS!!! She muest hav lerned frum da maester. THAT IS ENOUGH, LEGOLAS!
Magical Rachel: I lub Hearsheez Keesz! I like Doev barz tu. al keapz a hole 5 pownd baeg bie da cumpuder, but I uzuellie eet it soe faest she fussez. *pops another Kiss*
AloriaMoonbeam:The Last Fae: I hav never sean my wife kees aniwon aels. I em nod maerried. A wife wuld not leat me praence oef entu da wuudz on all deze miesshun, kweast, thangs. . .
Seal: I apresheeate da oeffr, bud I kanot com tuu neer da see. Doez guellz r wachin me, u noe. Thaenk u fur weeshig me tu feal bedder. Cungradualashunz on ur neu stoerie! *mini Krackle bar this time, munches contentedly*
Skye Rocket: Maebe al weel led u uze her Theosauruz. Id haz 978 paegez of wurdz dat meen da saem thang in id. Sumhoew dat duz not maek saenz tu me. Whie wuld u waent 978 paegez of da saem wurd?
AndysPrincess: Thaenk u soe muech fur da komplamint abot my storee. I em glaed al deed nod hav a haenkee. I liked da Sea Pee Ar jest like id wuz. Eggsept I moevd tu suun. Neks tiem I weel wate a leedle loenger biefor I "waek up."
IRENA: I TIPED ID LIKE DIS SOE U KULD FIEND ID!!! I em steel thankin of ur birfdae kaerd, an ebery tiem I due my eerz teengle. *sheeverz* Whin u thank of id, kin u smael straewbareez? *puedz haendz ober al'z eyez and duz "DAT!" tu da compy skreen* Im-boe le-si, Irena. I meen id. *ever so slowly unwraps Hershey bar with only his teeth, peeling it much like a banana*
*al sprays windex on the compy screen and wipes repeatedly* Honestly, Legolas, go get a room, ok? Geez!!!
odyssey: I due not rite tha chaepterz, bud al noew ledz me rite all da reasponsez. *That's because 3/4ths of them are written directly to you, silly elf!!*
Endomiel: aefter dis chaepter, I thank a loet of u weel bea kallin me Leggy. U shuld trie da Keebler elf cookeez. Dey doen luuk a thang like elvez, soe I kin eat dem widout thankin abot kanabullizm. I hav not had da oppartoonity tu trie biek riedin yeat.
Elvea Aure aka Amanfalathiel: Thare ar lotz of thaengz I hav trubl remambereeng frum my paest seence I fael frum da moovie skreen. I em sorree tu hav maed u krie. Pleeze aksept my sinseare apolageez. *offers Hershey's Kisses to you*
Zanna: Hae dere! *wienk, wienk* Du u hav soempthang in ur eye? I em sorree tu hear u waelkd eentu a doar tu. Id does reely huert, huh? I em alwaez karefuel wid Peepz toyez, she kin maek my lief mizerabel if I looze her thangz!
Nancing Elf: HAE NAENCIN ELF!! HAE! I MEESED U!!!! SUMPTHANG TURRIBEL!!! Whin Puder Paeddie fienally comz tu git me, kin wea com tu ur houez? If ur kar wurkz, culd u com git me? Dat wuld bea grate!!
Crazy Cookie Monster: Dis is jest everidae lief at al'z houes. Sumpthin nue all da tiem. Ur not laffin at me, r u?
Ravin 813: I lub doez leedle "seelver toepz," an I like Sea Pee Ar keesz tu!!! *downs two more Little Hershey's Kisses*
Laure: I lub u tu! I em glaed u like dis storee abot my lief. al wuz afraed nowon wuld beeliev her, beakauz it seams a loet of gurlz claem dat I lib in da klozit at dere houez.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good Lord, he's finally done! With all that sugar in him, it is a wonder he sat here as long as he did. I think I'll have to go hide the candy jar, don't you???
Send him a note and let him know you love him, otherwise I'll have to deal with the little lost puppy look again. Thanks for reading!
I took him out into the neighborhood for Halloween, but when I tried to take his picture, he got all shy and embarrassed and hid from the camera. When we got home, I found he had put his "costume" on the cardboard replica of himself that I got from Waldenbooks. I DID get a picture of that, and put it up for you to see on my bio page (click on my name above to go see it). It's not quite the same as the real thing was, but you get the idea.
Let's see, we left off with Little Pip wanting to know what was going on. . . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 10 He Forgot His Towel
Sounds just like her father, doesn't she?
As the laughter subsides, Little Pip crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me. Her left foot is tap, tap, tapping on the floor. She might sound like her father, but she looks exactly like me.
"I don't think this is funny at all. You said you were going to make him come back and help me clean up, and ya'll are out here laughing," she pouts.
"I em soerie, Leedle Peep," Legolas says.
"What are you laughing about?" she asks.
"I told your dad how Legolas came to live in the closet. Now we are trying to decide what to do with him," I tell her.
Legolas looks at me with the big puppy dog eyes.
"He can live in my room," Little Pip offers, adopting the puppy dog eyes herself as they both turn to look at me.
Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
I too put on my best lost puppy look, and all three of us look piteously at Yes Dear, begging like a whole litter of little starving Basset Hounds.
"Come on, Dad, can we keep him?" asks Little Pip.
"No. He must go back," says Yes Dear.
"But Dad, he's lost!" counters Pip, turning the heat up a notch.
"No," Yes Dear insists.
Moving to put her arms around his neck, she kisses her father's cheek. He melts like the lava in Mount Doom.
She drops her voice to a very soft whisper, and gives it one more try, "Please, Dad?"
After a moment of hesitation, he says, "Well, just for now. He can stay in the blue guest room." He has cracked, but swiftly recovers by adding, " But only until we can figure a way to get him back to Middle-earth."
"YEEEAAAA DAD!!!!!" shouts Little Pip, doing her most superb champion college cheerleader routine. "You're The Best Dad in the Whole Wide World!"
"Yaeh, da baest Daed dere eber wuz!" joins in Legolas, grinning from ear to pointed ear while looking at Little Pip and bouncing up and down, trying to imitate her actions.
Me, you ask? What did I say? Well, lets just say that CPR sometimes IS a lot like kissing . . ..
~~~~~~~~~~
Legolas goes with Little Pip to finish straightening up the Barbies, and Yes Dear and I go about our normal evening routine. As we are working in the kitchen together, Little Pip returns, her nose wrinkled up. She stands beside me, waiting.
"What's the matter?" I ask as I prepare the salad for dinner. "You aren't being impolite to your guest by making him clean up all by himself, are you?"
"Momma," she whispers, "Legolas has a problem."
"What is it?" I ask, not looking up from the carrot I am chopping.
"He, well. . . he. . .uhm. . . "
I continue chopping, waiting while she stalls.
"He sort of, well. . . ."
Glancing up, I realize she is not just creating a ruse to avoid cleaning up, but is actually serious about whatever the matter is.
"You're not gonna tell me that he peed on the carpet, are you?" I inquire, joking with her. With four cats and an invalid 18-year-old dog in the house, accidents DO tend to happen. Accidents that Pip would rather die than clean up by herself. Did I say clean up? She won't even touch the gallon jug that the clean kitty litter comes in.
"No, not that, it's just that he. . . well, he ummm. . ."
"Just say it!" I blurt out.
"Momma, Legolas smells. He smells BAD. Like he's been smoking cigarettes or something."
Ahh, I think, so the Galadriel effect has not entirely dissipated.
About this time, the Prance himself comes trudging down the hallway, fingering his left warrior braid as if he is thinking of asking me something but is reluctant to mention it. His nose is wrinkled up too.
"What's the matter, Legolas?" I ask.
"I seam tu hav devaellupd an oeder. I wuz wundering eef I culd sumhoew hav sum wader weeth sich tu waesh."
He's right. So is Little Pip. Legolas certainly does have a problem. He smells bad. Not terribly bad, but compared to before, a definite change in aroma lurks about the Prance. The heat from the Galadriel sized temper tantrum must have set off the atomic particles that cause elf-smell, because Legolas has certainly got it.
Trying not to be impolite by wrinkling my own nose, I leave the salad bowl and gesture for him to follow me. I lead the way down the hallway to the bathroom, and as I get to the tub, I hear him clear his throat behind me.
"What is it?" I ask, noting the hesitation and the skeptical look on his face.
"Wael, not dat u doen't keap id VARY kleaen, but. . . id's jest dat I thank I mite bea a beet tu beeg fur dat baesin dere. . . " he nods his head toward the toilet.
I can't help but giggle. "No, Legolas, we don't use that to bathe in!" I guess with the shower curtain drawn, he has not seen the bathtub. Middle- earth may have chamber pots instead of flushing toilets, but surely they have some sort of tub to put water in to bathe! I pull the curtain back, saying, "We use this one, and you can sit down in it and soak like in a lake, or stand up like under a waterfall."
He gives the tub a good looking over. "Whut ar dose shieny thangz?" he inquires.
"Those are the faucets; that's where the water comes out." Pointing to the showerhead, I explain, "this one makes a waterfall, and that one," I point to the spout, "is the one that fills it up like a lake."
"We've got a hot tub, too!" exclaims Little Pip, who has followed us on the Grand Bathroom Tour.
"A hoet tueb?" asks Legolas. "U meen like a hoet sprang, wear da waeter buebblz up ael da tiem?"
"Yes! It's out on the deck," Pip answers, all excited now. "It's big enough to hold 3 or 4 people," she says. "I take Barbie, and Teresa, and Ken swimming in it with their trained killer whales."
"Keeler Wellz?!" he exclaims, his eyes wide. He turns to me and asks, "Ar doez like Wargs?"
"Not at all. Very fishy for a mammal. Very friendly, very small, very plastic in this case," I assure him.
"Oh. . . .okae," he says. "Kin I sea dis hoet tueb?"
"Right this way, " I work my way past him toward the hallway, and then back out to the den.
As I reach to open the sliding glass door, I feel a strong hand gripping my shoulder. "Bea karefuel!" he warns. "Thear eez sum tipe of whizardree goen on dere. U kannot paes thru dere. An eenvizabel foerce noked me on da haed whin I triead id." He nods towards Little Pip who is following along behind us. "Onlee Leedle Peep seemz tu noe hoew tu deefeet da spael."
"Ah, it IS devilry, Legolas! But I too know how to unlock the spell, as you call it. Watch carefully, and I will show you." I push the little gold latch to unlock the door, then slide the glass frame to the right. "See? Look how easy it is to unlock the spell."
"Woew. . . ," mouths Legolas.
So easily entertained.
I move to uncover the hot tub. Legolas is standing just to my right, and still has that dumbstruck look on his face. He stares down at the water, marveling at the clarity I guess.
"Woew. . . " he says again. "U eben hav a pet tuerdle een it."
"WHAT?!" I jerk to attention. "A pet turtle?" I realize he is looking at the floating turtle shaped temperature gauge. "Oh, that is plastic too, Legolas. That's a decoration on the temperature gauge that tells us about the heat of the water. That's so we can make sure it's not too hot or too cold when we want to get in."
"Here's the button that you push to make the bubbles," says Little Pip, starting up the jets. Foaming bubbles pop up everywhere as the motor kicks in. Legolas gives a little start, but soon settles down. He is finally getting used to modern electrical conveniences and their inherent noises, I guess.
"Buebblez. . . " he murmurs, staring at the foam.
"Can we get in, Mom?" asks Little Pip.
"I guess you could take a quick dip before supper," I tell her. "Go put your bathing suit on and get your Barbies. I'll go see if your dad has a bathing suit or a pair of shorts Legolas can wear."
I head back to our "enchanted" sliding glass door, and just as I reach to pull the door open, I catch a flash of light from the corner of my eye. My brain tells me I did not see that which was just reflected in the glass. I stop dead in my tracks, and Little Pip does the patented Hobbit move of running headlong into my back.
I close my eyes for an instant, wanting to peek, knowing what my eyes have just told my brain cannot possibly be happening . . .
There is a loud splash, and Little Pip grabs my arm. I turn to her, thinking It can't be. There's no way I missed that. . .
There beside the hot tub lies a pile of hastily discarded clothes, all greens and browns, with a silky silver fabric layered on top. Lounging in my hot tub, eyes closed, head thrown back, blonde locks spilling forth, arms outstretched over the sides, smiling as if he has just won a lifetime supply of Lothlorien arrows, is Middle-earth's finest, the Prance of Mirkwood.
"Mom, is he. . .?" whispers Pip.
"Yep," I answer.
"Are we allowed. . .??" she asks.
"Nope," I sigh.
"Mom, he forgot his towel."
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Responses to Reviewers:
All right, Legolas, here is where you begin. Sit down, this will take you awhile.
Hae eberibuddy! Soerrie I em laete. *pops Hershey's kiss between his lips*
TreeHugger: Little Pip is definitely a non-fiction kid. As is Legolas. As you can plainly see. Thanks for being my beta, and for catching that "r" before anyone else did! Hae Treahueggr! I em laernin ael kiendz of thangz abot mordon erth. Wuld u like tu com git in da hoet tueb wid me? * breaks off a piece of mini Hershey bar and eats it*
Newmoon: Yes Dear is quite patient and understanding. I doen git it. In my kloset I jest opeen da doar an goe in an out. Hoew duz urz wurk? An al sez I muest sae I em sorrie fur taekin soe loeng tu tipe dese up an maekin her chaepter laet.
SarWolfe Snape: U aent sean nuthin yeat! I hav foend all kinz of neu thangs hear tu git eentu. *downs mini Mr. Goodbar*
Eve Eastborne: I lub u tu! U kin jest cael da womin al, okae? Wader is four drankin an kleenin, an elektrasity is fur maekin da wader git hoet fur da jaetz in da hoet tueb, rite?
JastaElf: HAE Jasta! HAE Ada! I feal muech bedder noew. I em mot shur I waent tu goe tu Dol Guldur agin, eben fur won of Ada's paertiez. Kin I pik out my oen klothez? I thaenk I wuld due bedder tu stae hear an sufr da net. (Sufring {sic} the Net, Jasta??! You just can't leave him be, can you?!) U r welkom fur da birfdae kard. I meent every wurd, and da muezik wuz espesialie fur u tu. . . Daemmit, *wavez haendz at beez buezzin my haed* I sed goe awae!
Sake: I em muech bedder, thankz! We boeth shuld wach out whur ouer haedz r goen, doen u thank? I hoep u feal bedder noew tu. If not, I culd sen al ober dere. . .she is guud at dat Sea Pee Ar thang. *unwraps another Hershey's kiss*
PuterPatty: I fael tu sea wud is soe eggcitin abot takin a baf wile everbueddy wachez. I waded bie da doar tu go an git my hare coern roed wid u, and den tu goe tu kwior praktice, but al sed u muest hav haed trubl wid ur kar. Kin we trie agin? * licks chocolate from Kit Kat Bar, then eats cookie insides separate. *
Stimpy: Elbz ar nateralie kleen beengz, but we all lern erly on hoew tu kleen ouer lethr oudergaermintz. Dat is a nessessery leassun at aerchr'z skool, an is tot in da fierst yeer. Won dae suen I weel teech u hoew.
Sailor Nova: u muest git a lief, my deer. al is da ultamite prokrasteenator. She kin maek id taek all dae tu git frum won ruum tu de oder, espaesialie wid doez krutchz she is uzin rite noew. R we havin cheez? I luv cheez!
Mom: Hae Grammar Laedie!! I haed an eggsellint tiem ad ur houez. Thangs fur leddin me and da doeggie and da kiddiez stae wid u. Whin id snowz, I weel shoew u hoew tu waelk on toep, okae? An thangs fur teechin al dat Sea Pee Ar. . . she is reely guud! LEGOLAS!!! I fouen id kwite eenjoeable! LEGOLAS!!! She muest hav lerned frum da maester. THAT IS ENOUGH, LEGOLAS!
Magical Rachel: I lub Hearsheez Keesz! I like Doev barz tu. al keapz a hole 5 pownd baeg bie da cumpuder, but I uzuellie eet it soe faest she fussez. *pops another Kiss*
AloriaMoonbeam:The Last Fae: I hav never sean my wife kees aniwon aels. I em nod maerried. A wife wuld not leat me praence oef entu da wuudz on all deze miesshun, kweast, thangs. . .
Seal: I apresheeate da oeffr, bud I kanot com tuu neer da see. Doez guellz r wachin me, u noe. Thaenk u fur weeshig me tu feal bedder. Cungradualashunz on ur neu stoerie! *mini Krackle bar this time, munches contentedly*
Skye Rocket: Maebe al weel led u uze her Theosauruz. Id haz 978 paegez of wurdz dat meen da saem thang in id. Sumhoew dat duz not maek saenz tu me. Whie wuld u waent 978 paegez of da saem wurd?
AndysPrincess: Thaenk u soe muech fur da komplamint abot my storee. I em glaed al deed nod hav a haenkee. I liked da Sea Pee Ar jest like id wuz. Eggsept I moevd tu suun. Neks tiem I weel wate a leedle loenger biefor I "waek up."
IRENA: I TIPED ID LIKE DIS SOE U KULD FIEND ID!!! I em steel thankin of ur birfdae kaerd, an ebery tiem I due my eerz teengle. *sheeverz* Whin u thank of id, kin u smael straewbareez? *puedz haendz ober al'z eyez and duz "DAT!" tu da compy skreen* Im-boe le-si, Irena. I meen id. *ever so slowly unwraps Hershey bar with only his teeth, peeling it much like a banana*
*al sprays windex on the compy screen and wipes repeatedly* Honestly, Legolas, go get a room, ok? Geez!!!
odyssey: I due not rite tha chaepterz, bud al noew ledz me rite all da reasponsez. *That's because 3/4ths of them are written directly to you, silly elf!!*
Endomiel: aefter dis chaepter, I thank a loet of u weel bea kallin me Leggy. U shuld trie da Keebler elf cookeez. Dey doen luuk a thang like elvez, soe I kin eat dem widout thankin abot kanabullizm. I hav not had da oppartoonity tu trie biek riedin yeat.
Elvea Aure aka Amanfalathiel: Thare ar lotz of thaengz I hav trubl remambereeng frum my paest seence I fael frum da moovie skreen. I em sorree tu hav maed u krie. Pleeze aksept my sinseare apolageez. *offers Hershey's Kisses to you*
Zanna: Hae dere! *wienk, wienk* Du u hav soempthang in ur eye? I em sorree tu hear u waelkd eentu a doar tu. Id does reely huert, huh? I em alwaez karefuel wid Peepz toyez, she kin maek my lief mizerabel if I looze her thangz!
Nancing Elf: HAE NAENCIN ELF!! HAE! I MEESED U!!!! SUMPTHANG TURRIBEL!!! Whin Puder Paeddie fienally comz tu git me, kin wea com tu ur houez? If ur kar wurkz, culd u com git me? Dat wuld bea grate!!
Crazy Cookie Monster: Dis is jest everidae lief at al'z houes. Sumpthin nue all da tiem. Ur not laffin at me, r u?
Ravin 813: I lub doez leedle "seelver toepz," an I like Sea Pee Ar keesz tu!!! *downs two more Little Hershey's Kisses*
Laure: I lub u tu! I em glaed u like dis storee abot my lief. al wuz afraed nowon wuld beeliev her, beakauz it seams a loet of gurlz claem dat I lib in da klozit at dere houez.
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Good Lord, he's finally done! With all that sugar in him, it is a wonder he sat here as long as he did. I think I'll have to go hide the candy jar, don't you???
Send him a note and let him know you love him, otherwise I'll have to deal with the little lost puppy look again. Thanks for reading!