Chapter 17 Earning Warrior Braids
A./N: A big thank you goes out to Irena for reminding me of this story, though parts of it I would sooner forget than remember. Like all good stories of angst, there must be periods of pain to go with the comfort, right?
Shari Lewis and her puppet Lamb Chops make an appearance here as well. Thank you PBS!
Another thanks to TreeHugger; isn't it amazing how accurate her stories about Legolas as a youngster have turned out to be?! You are fantastic, nin mellon!
Thoughts in
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If there were one thing in this world I'd rather have had the Good Lord reconsider on Creation Day, it would have to be the little green lizard. Yeah, yeah, I know it's harmless and tremendously helpful to mankind in that it eats bugs like mosquitoes that carry malaria and the West Nile Virus. I'll even give you that it's cute, with its little prehistoric dinosaur features.
But God can take it back anytime. I hate them.
The day started off bad enough when I opened the kitchen window blind and there on the screen hung one of the vile creatures. I thought at first I must have startled it, for it leapt off the screen and onto the brown railing of the deck. It cocked its ugly, skinny, green head, eyeballing me as if I had committed some great offense. We sized each other up, me at 5 foot 8 inches and him barely registering 6 inches with the tail included. I decided I could win the staring game if I closed the blind without blinking or letting him see my hand move to do so.
There. No more lizard. Down goes the anxiety level.
Half an hour later, I return to the kitchen to refresh my glass of tea, and there he is again. Legolas, with his fetish for viewing the sun and trees, has gone round about the entire house opening all of the window blinds. The nasty green thing has come back to the window above the sink to taunt me. As I move closer, preparing once again to close the blind, the foul beast has the audacity to stick out his red thing at me.
Get your minds out of the gutter, I mean that fold of skin under the lower jaw that rounds outward and turns cherry red, while the monster bounces obscenely and cocks his head to get a better look at you.
Did I mention how much I HATE these things?
"Booooee!" says a mischievous voice in my ear as a strong pair of hands grasps my shoulders. If he hadn't had such a good hold of me, I think I would have leapt straight through the ceiling.
"Dang it, Legolas, how many times do I have to tell you NOT to DO that???" I yell at him.
"Whassa maettr, al?" he asks, clearly puzzled by my overreaction. "I doent thank I hav eber sean u juemp dat muech beafour."
I'm getting used to the elven stealth mode, but Legolas' favorite game is still sneaking up and surprising me. He does it probably a couple of dozen times a day. Sometimes he even plays fair enough that I swear he makes little noises so I have a half chance of catching him in the act before he can touch me. He does it just to prolong the game, to give me a little taste of success so I won't tire of the constant shock.
I'm not about to admit my problem to him. Fear of lizards is MY dirty little secret. Nobody knows that if one ever managed to actually make contact with my skin, the men with the white jackets would be the only ones who could help me after that. I said Nobody knows about it. NOBODY. So don't any of you tell, ok?
I take a deep breath to calm myself and answer his question. "You're just getting too good at the sneaky stealth game, Legolas," I say convincingly.
"I noe!" he says jubilantly, his eyes flashing. "Kin I wach da TV noew?"
"Sure. What's on?"
"Laemb Choepz iz comin oen PeeBeaEss. I jest lub da wae she taelkz!"
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Forty-five minutes later, he is puttering about in the front room pecking out notes on the piano. He does this the same way he types, one little finger at a time. Before long I recognize the tune. After another 15 minutes of the same thing over and over, I have reached the end of my tolerance level.
"LEGOLAS!" I shout.
The pecking of notes ceases. Finally. I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Yaes?" comes a voice only slightly above the lowest range of normal human hearing.
"Knock that off! You've been playing and singing that same song for half an hour now, and you are making me nuts!"
"Buet, al," he whines, "itz 'Da Soeng Dat Neber Eandz'!"
Yes, Blessed Song of the Valar, the chosen one of Immortal Beings everywhere. If they are going to be singing that tune forevermore in the Grey Havens, it's no wonder Arwen chose to marry smelly Aragorn and give up her immortality. You know the one, right? For those of you who have not had the pleasure, let me introduce you to the words as Legolas sings one more chorus:
Dis iz da soeng dat neber eandz
Yaes id goez oen an oen my fraendz
Sumbuddy staerted seengin id
Not nowen whut id wuz
An dey'll jest keap oen seegin id
Foureber jest beacaz. . . .
And repeat. And repeat again. And repeat again until forever, because after all, "It's the Song That Never Ends," right?
I'm gonna shear that little Lamb Chops hide.
"Legolas, why don't you go outside for a while? It's such a nice, sunny day," I say. It comes out more like a command than I wanted, but he loves to be outside, so I don't think he notices.
"Okae!" he beams, jumping up from the piano bench and almost toppling it. He moves so quickly there is merely a flash as he goes by, then the hissing sound of the screen door closing.
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I'm off today from work, so I get the laundry going and the vacuuming done before I see him again. He has come in while the vacuum is running to get a drink of water, and the elven stealth game is all too easy for him with the vacuum as his assistant. He spooks me again, but I have been expecting it ever since I turned the vacuum on. I'm frankly surprised it took him this long to show up. Usually he tries to boo me at least twice in a vacuuming session.
"Ur oen tu me, arnt u?" he says, grinning.
"I heard you coming that time. You aren't as quiet when the vacuum is on."
A puzzled look comes across his face as he actually considers whether my ears are fine-tuned enough to have heard him. Then the smile returns, and he replies, "Ur doen dat thang Yaes Deer kallz puellin my laeg, arnt u?"
"You're on to me, too," I admit, laughing.
I fix us both a glass of lemonade, and we sit a minute at the kitchen table to drink it. He tells me about some of his relatives and friends, and about the feasts that his father often hosts. He talks of how he loves to attend the festivals, but oh, how he hates to dress in the finery required by his Adar.
"I uzed tu alwaez puell at da kollarz aron my nek," he laughs. "Ada uzed tu giv me da weeglie eyebroews fur dat!"
His laughter dies off, and he becomes somewhat melancholy. After a minute, he whispers under his breath, "I due mees dem. . . "
"Why don't you go back out in the sun and see if that helps, ok?" I ask him, reaching out to squeeze his hand. I worry about him. He always tries so hard not to let it show, but his homesickness lingers there underneath his elven-bred stoic nature.
"Dat'z a guud ideea. Thaenkz, al," he says, rising from his chair.
I wash our glasses in the sink, and finish straightening up the den and putting the vacuum away. I'm cleaning the glass on the TV screen with the Windex when he sneaks up on me for the umpteenth time today.
"Booooeee!"
This time I do jump. I never heard the screen door. He IS getting good at this game.
"Waenna sea my neu eerreeng?" he teases.
Thinking he has been in my jewelry box again, I reach up quickly to brush his hair back and see what it is he has swiped from me this time. He has a fetish for my long dangley earrings that matches his fetish for the sun and the trees. Sure enough, he's got a long dangley one hanging from his earlobe. Except it's not an earring from my jewelry box.
It's the little green lizard from the kitchen window that looks out upon the deck. It's hanging from his earlobe by its teeth.
I can't believe my mind actually takes the time to register that much information before I hit the floor in a sort of slow motion. When I come to, he's squatting down on his haunches, leaning over me, fanning me with his hands as fast as he can. With the little green lizard still firmly attached to his right earlobe.
"al? al?" he's hollering at me, just short of being in a panic. "al? U okae?"
Even Legolas, as fast as he is, is unprepared at the speed at which I come flying up off the floor, desperate to get as far away from that little green monster as possible. Next thing either of us knows, he is smack on his fanny in the middle of the den, and I am headed out the screen door at top speed.
When he manages to get himself up, he makes his way cautiously outside, but stays on the carport. This is a good thing, because with that little green monster still hanging from his earlobe, he's going to have to be a whole lot faster than an elf to catch me. I am frantically pacing the edge of the yard at the treeline, in the shady part where the lizards don't often go during the day.
"al? Wassa maedder, al?" he calls anxiously to me, totally confused at the wiles of women at this point.
"Nothing," I lie. "I'm fine, I'm ok," I reply. It's true, you didn't actually touch it, al, you're going to be ok, maybe not today, but you'll be ok in a couple of days, really . . .
"Buet al, u. . ." he holds his hands out towards me and takes a step off the carport concrete onto the grass.
"STAY THERE!" I yell. I startle him enough that he stops dead in his tracks. "Just stay right there on the carport, ok?"
"Buet, al. . ." he starts towards me once more.
"STOP, LEGOLAS!" I yell again. When he halts, I take a deep breath and, trying to still myself from shaking so hard, I calmly say, "Now, take that thing off of your ear, please." I still can't believe the thing was actually in my house. INSIDE THE HOUSE. And I almost TOUCHED IT.
He looks at me, puzzled. His right hand moves upward to touch his earlobe, where he encounters the lizard earring he has totally forgotten about. He squeezes it gently, and it lets go and drops serenely into his waiting hand. He regards it for a moment, before holding it out innocently toward me like some kind of sacrifice, saying, "Deed I skeer u wid dis?"
Uhh ohh. If I say yes, he'll know about my number one fear. Nobody knows about that. NOBODY. You didn't tell anybody, did you? No? Good.
So I answer him with the mother of all lies. "No, you did not scare me," I say, finishing the thought inside my head by saying to myself it scared me all by itself. As he takes a step forward, I find myself taking a step backward. He has this worried look on his face, not a hint of malice in him, but I can't forget the number of times this scene has replayed itself from my childhood when my younger brother would step toward me just like that and then. . .
I cannot control it any longer. I break to the left and run.
I see him look down at his hand, then he darts away from me to the right and puts the harmless little lizard down on the warm deck railing. By the time I reach the edge of our 2 acre yard, he has caught me by the arm and pulls me to his chest, murmuring over and over as I sob and he holds me and strokes my hair, "I em soerrie, al, I deent noe, I em soe soerrie. . ."
Ten minutes later he is on the deck, telling the lizards why they have to go back to the forest, why they can't sun on the deck anymore. Of course, they aren't interested in his speech, but they cock their little heads and watch him anyway. Exasperated, he comes back inside where he has left me nursing the lemonade he has poured for me.
"Dey sae dey doent waent tu goe. Dey waen tu noe if dey stae oudsied on da dek an doent eber com een, wuld dat bea okae?"
"Fine," I sigh, too rattled at this point to care.
"Dat saettlez it den," he concludes.
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That evening, after I finish taking my shower, I overhear Legolas and Yes Dear talking about what happened. I make sure to bang around in the bathroom so that they can hear I have opened the door and am headed their way. They drop the subject of me and my phobia in favor of the baseball game that is on the TV.
Life moves on, and the evening goes by without the incident being mentioned. That is, until Legolas goes rummaging through the kitchen cabinets in search of a late night snack and turns up a Palmetto Bug instead.
"Bie da Valar!" I hear him exclaim. "Whut en da Haellz of Maendoz eez dat thang?" *
For those of you who have never encountered the Palmetto Bug, a brief description is in order. The rest of you who have encountered it can just sit over there and shiver while you skip this part. This bug is found in the southern United States, preferring warm climates of 84 degrees Fahrenheit or so as it's favorite temperature. This creature grows to as large as 3 inches long, and is a dark reddish brown in coloration. It is seen both night and day, and is winged and fully capable of flight. It is more commonly known as the cockroach.
Yes Dear's masculine curiosity gets the best of him, and he is soon in the kitchen with Legolas, eyeballing the creature. The three of them are having a stare off when I decide to get up from reading the newspaper comics and see what it is they are looking at.
"It's a Palmetto Bug," whispers Yes Dear. "Be careful, Legolas, they can fly."
"Reely?" gasps the Prance, moving a step backward behind Yes Dear.
"Yep. I'm gonna ease over there and get my shoe on so I can step on it."
"Waent me tu goe git my boe an aroz?" Legolas asks, still not taking his eyes off the creature.
"Maybe," says Yes Dear, who dearly loves to egg Legolas on. "We might need them, but not just yet."
"Ar dey poezenus?" asks Prance Legolas, who has dealt with his share of spiders from Mirkwood in his day.
"I don't know," teases Yes Dear. "I've never been bitten by one."
"Bietten?!" gulps Mirkwood's finest.
Just as Yes Dear reaches for his shoe there by the door, and just as I enter the kitchen from the den, the damned thing takes off flying, aimed right for Legolas' head. As he ducks, I step up to the plate and whap the thing with the newspaper I am still holding in my hand. It falls to the floor right near where Yes Dear is standing, and he quickly dispatches it by mashing it with the shoe. It makes a satisfying crunching noise.
"Bie Elbereth an Anor!" * Legolas croaks. "U saevd me, al! Dat thang kaem rite at me!"
He hugs me until I think I might have bruises. He hugs Yes Dear too. Then, lifting a lock of my long brown hair (ok, brown and gray), he solemnly announces, "I thank id iz tiem dat u staerted warein Worrier Braedz."
In ten minutes, he has braided my forelock back behind my head, and each side of my long mane is also neatly done and secured with rubber bands. Standing behind me as we face the mirror, he puts his hands on my shoulders and proclaims, "Bie da poewr of da reelm of Meedle erth, I , Prance Legolas Greenleaf, proenawnce u a Worrier of Mirkwuud."
The expression on his face is worth the weight of the world in gold to me. Or in mithril, for that matter. I will cherish the memory of the day I earned my "Worrier Braedz" for the rest of my mortal life, and I have proudly worn them every day since being bestowed with them.
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Really Loose Elven Translations:
"Bie da Valar!" : Good Lord!
"Whut en da Haellz of Maendoz eez dat thang?" : What in Heaven's name is that thing?
"Bie Elbereth an Anor!" : By the Queen of the Stars and The Sun!
Responses to Reviewers:
(Try that again) Love Notes to Fans From Legolas: (there, that's better)
TreeHugger and Elu: I em not druulin ober eni of da Viktoereeaz Seekrit gurlz, buet I due soe waent sum of dose buutz, an I wuld like to trie on doez weengz tu! Moest of da wimin I noe doen't like fur u tu jest let dem ween. Dey waent u tu at leest pertand u wuz trien tu beet dem. Leedle Peep iz straeng becuz she likes her snoekone jest plane whin she kuld hav eni won of dose huendridz of culurz oen it. Wuz I maed at Trea? I hav furgot all abot dat *wisselz Da Soeng Dat Neber Eandz*
Grammar Laedee: I tryd da ise kreem wonce fur shaempu, aeftr all it duz smael guud, buet it maed my hare all steeky. Mebbe I deed not git it all ouet. Hearz a hueg fur u! *huegs*
Anja: I meesed u wile u wear goen! *Huegz an keesez!*
The Two Princesses: Hae Laedeez! I wuld lub tu hav u com liv wid me at alz houese! It soendz like M neadz tu com da moest, doe. Ar u doen da Galadriel thang oen my gurls, M? Bedder stoep dat! Hear iz a beeg skweeze of elbin lub fur eech of u! *skweezee!* *skweezee!* *skweezee!* Noew eberybuddy goe hueg Gollum fur me tu, okae?
Arilyn: poe iz my faeverit Taelietuebbie. I eben saew heem at da paraede on TV fur Thaenksgeevin!
Tenshi: my hedake iz muech bedder, thankz! Guud tu sea u! *Huegs*
Lady Silence: I thank it wuld bea haerd tu fead da peenwinz if dey wear alredy ded. An I lub Pez! I have Laemb Choepz, an Saenta Kluaz, an Tweadea Beerd, an a hoel buench moer!
Nienor_raukwen09: Hae! Glaed u joynd us! al waentz tu now if u mint she iz a gaenus, or I em. I sed u mint me fur shuer.
Lirenel: dat ise kreem weel giv u a baed hedake! Soendz like u hav haed won tu? I em glaed u rote tu me!
Lily Frost: al sez if it snoez hear beafour I goe, she weel maek me an ise kreem out of snoe. I noe hoew tu rite my naem en da snoe, but I neber maed ise kreem frum it beafour.
Endomiel: hae agin! Dat ise kreem hedake deed huert!
Eve of Mirkwood: I lub u tu! Iz dat whut dat ise kreem maen wuz doen? * groelz*
Magical Rachel: Thaenkz fur da beeg huegz an keesz. I deedn't eet tu muech tuerkee, buet I deed eet loetz of coern, an poetaedoz, and draessin, an grean beenz, an salid, an punkim pie! I thaenk Orlando wuld bea a guud choece tuu, buet he iz suenin heemsef en da Karabeen rite noew pertandin tu bea a pyerat.
Princess ArWen of sMirkwood: Wuld u like tu hav haf of dis ise kreem I em eetin? Hear u goe!
Eileen: al sed I culd noet eet ise kreem ouet of da kaertun uenlass I pud it een a bowel.
gershwin: *swoenz* She kalld me Sweaty Pye! al tuuk ur aedvise an let me trie da peenuet budder an chokolit ise kreem, and ur rite, it IZ GUUD! Huegz an keesz tu u tuu!
Stimpy: Buet I like kaendie! Due u thank eniwon wuld giv me sum kaendie if I wuld git en da kar wid dem? Iz it choklit? Okae!
SarWolfe Snape: *huegz tu u* Datz okae, al got me unuthr won.
Katherine: Kin u pued voedka en ise kreem?
Loopy4_1: Haldir iz hear? Oen Modren erth? Bie da Valar, I neu he wuld com luukin fur me! Kwik! Hied me! An he tuuk da labender baf saeltz tu? U ar rite, Galadriel weel bea smaellin like a flouer beafour loeng. . . .
Estina: I hav loetz of thaengz tu tael u, buet al tipez so sloe! I doen't thank we weel git tu all of da fuen thaengz beafour I hav tu goe. Thaenk u fur tipin tu me!
Undomiel Greenleaf: Trea iz en lub wid sum maenga maen noew. U weel hafta wate fur Irena an Puter Patty an Nancing Elf an. . . weel, da liest iz vary loeng. I wuld like to trie dat daencin thaeng tho. Den I culd teech Gameli whin I git bak!
ithinkineedanewname: Haeppie Burfdae! Deed u like my tuerkee haet? I maed it misef. I hoep u goet loetz of guud praesantz!
Newmoon: *huegz tu u tu!*
Skye Rocket: I haed tu meeny choeeses. I mite hafta eet ise kreem all dae tu deeside wich won I like baest.
laure: *bleenkz, luukz tu sea if laegz ar steel dere* I hav noet sean eni faengurlz yaet, doe al iz karful wear she taekz me. We due lib in a leedle toewn.
the_ringspell: al gaev up oen da spaellin laessonz, doe Peepin duz steel trie. An she bot me a neu ise kreem whin mine fael, soe I gess I em havin a perty guud weak.
Puter Patty: Leat me discrieb fur u hoew I eet my ise kreem agin. Furst, I sloelie peal bak da raeppr soe I kin sea all dat kreemie guudniss ensied, den I braeng it up kloes tu my noez soe I kin smael all da eunik flaevurz, den I . . . Legolas! This is rated PG-13! Quit that! *weenkz an blueshez*
IRENA: *GROELZ* HAE DERE, BAYBEE!! I like meent choklit cheep tu! An I like dat choklit surup dat gitz haerd whin u pud it oen ur koen. Due u hav sum of dat? An mebbe a chearrie? Kin u teech me tu due dat thang wid my tung, rwalaer-nin?
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My goodness, we now have over 300 reviews, and this time you didn't do any of them yourself, did you Legolas? We've also had quite a few new names to add to your love letters list too! Thank you to everyone who responded; it really is a nice way to ward off this homesickness he experiences from time to time. Next chapter is already started, so push the little button and leave your message quick! I hope to have it up this weekend!
A./N: A big thank you goes out to Irena for reminding me of this story, though parts of it I would sooner forget than remember. Like all good stories of angst, there must be periods of pain to go with the comfort, right?
Shari Lewis and her puppet Lamb Chops make an appearance here as well. Thank you PBS!
Another thanks to TreeHugger; isn't it amazing how accurate her stories about Legolas as a youngster have turned out to be?! You are fantastic, nin mellon!
Thoughts in
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If there were one thing in this world I'd rather have had the Good Lord reconsider on Creation Day, it would have to be the little green lizard. Yeah, yeah, I know it's harmless and tremendously helpful to mankind in that it eats bugs like mosquitoes that carry malaria and the West Nile Virus. I'll even give you that it's cute, with its little prehistoric dinosaur features.
But God can take it back anytime. I hate them.
The day started off bad enough when I opened the kitchen window blind and there on the screen hung one of the vile creatures. I thought at first I must have startled it, for it leapt off the screen and onto the brown railing of the deck. It cocked its ugly, skinny, green head, eyeballing me as if I had committed some great offense. We sized each other up, me at 5 foot 8 inches and him barely registering 6 inches with the tail included. I decided I could win the staring game if I closed the blind without blinking or letting him see my hand move to do so.
There. No more lizard. Down goes the anxiety level.
Half an hour later, I return to the kitchen to refresh my glass of tea, and there he is again. Legolas, with his fetish for viewing the sun and trees, has gone round about the entire house opening all of the window blinds. The nasty green thing has come back to the window above the sink to taunt me. As I move closer, preparing once again to close the blind, the foul beast has the audacity to stick out his red thing at me.
Get your minds out of the gutter, I mean that fold of skin under the lower jaw that rounds outward and turns cherry red, while the monster bounces obscenely and cocks his head to get a better look at you.
Did I mention how much I HATE these things?
"Booooee!" says a mischievous voice in my ear as a strong pair of hands grasps my shoulders. If he hadn't had such a good hold of me, I think I would have leapt straight through the ceiling.
"Dang it, Legolas, how many times do I have to tell you NOT to DO that???" I yell at him.
"Whassa maettr, al?" he asks, clearly puzzled by my overreaction. "I doent thank I hav eber sean u juemp dat muech beafour."
I'm getting used to the elven stealth mode, but Legolas' favorite game is still sneaking up and surprising me. He does it probably a couple of dozen times a day. Sometimes he even plays fair enough that I swear he makes little noises so I have a half chance of catching him in the act before he can touch me. He does it just to prolong the game, to give me a little taste of success so I won't tire of the constant shock.
I'm not about to admit my problem to him. Fear of lizards is MY dirty little secret. Nobody knows that if one ever managed to actually make contact with my skin, the men with the white jackets would be the only ones who could help me after that. I said Nobody knows about it. NOBODY. So don't any of you tell, ok?
I take a deep breath to calm myself and answer his question. "You're just getting too good at the sneaky stealth game, Legolas," I say convincingly.
"I noe!" he says jubilantly, his eyes flashing. "Kin I wach da TV noew?"
"Sure. What's on?"
"Laemb Choepz iz comin oen PeeBeaEss. I jest lub da wae she taelkz!"
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Forty-five minutes later, he is puttering about in the front room pecking out notes on the piano. He does this the same way he types, one little finger at a time. Before long I recognize the tune. After another 15 minutes of the same thing over and over, I have reached the end of my tolerance level.
"LEGOLAS!" I shout.
The pecking of notes ceases. Finally. I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Yaes?" comes a voice only slightly above the lowest range of normal human hearing.
"Knock that off! You've been playing and singing that same song for half an hour now, and you are making me nuts!"
"Buet, al," he whines, "itz 'Da Soeng Dat Neber Eandz'!"
Yes, Blessed Song of the Valar, the chosen one of Immortal Beings everywhere. If they are going to be singing that tune forevermore in the Grey Havens, it's no wonder Arwen chose to marry smelly Aragorn and give up her immortality. You know the one, right? For those of you who have not had the pleasure, let me introduce you to the words as Legolas sings one more chorus:
Dis iz da soeng dat neber eandz
Yaes id goez oen an oen my fraendz
Sumbuddy staerted seengin id
Not nowen whut id wuz
An dey'll jest keap oen seegin id
Foureber jest beacaz. . . .
And repeat. And repeat again. And repeat again until forever, because after all, "It's the Song That Never Ends," right?
I'm gonna shear that little Lamb Chops hide.
"Legolas, why don't you go outside for a while? It's such a nice, sunny day," I say. It comes out more like a command than I wanted, but he loves to be outside, so I don't think he notices.
"Okae!" he beams, jumping up from the piano bench and almost toppling it. He moves so quickly there is merely a flash as he goes by, then the hissing sound of the screen door closing.
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I'm off today from work, so I get the laundry going and the vacuuming done before I see him again. He has come in while the vacuum is running to get a drink of water, and the elven stealth game is all too easy for him with the vacuum as his assistant. He spooks me again, but I have been expecting it ever since I turned the vacuum on. I'm frankly surprised it took him this long to show up. Usually he tries to boo me at least twice in a vacuuming session.
"Ur oen tu me, arnt u?" he says, grinning.
"I heard you coming that time. You aren't as quiet when the vacuum is on."
A puzzled look comes across his face as he actually considers whether my ears are fine-tuned enough to have heard him. Then the smile returns, and he replies, "Ur doen dat thang Yaes Deer kallz puellin my laeg, arnt u?"
"You're on to me, too," I admit, laughing.
I fix us both a glass of lemonade, and we sit a minute at the kitchen table to drink it. He tells me about some of his relatives and friends, and about the feasts that his father often hosts. He talks of how he loves to attend the festivals, but oh, how he hates to dress in the finery required by his Adar.
"I uzed tu alwaez puell at da kollarz aron my nek," he laughs. "Ada uzed tu giv me da weeglie eyebroews fur dat!"
His laughter dies off, and he becomes somewhat melancholy. After a minute, he whispers under his breath, "I due mees dem. . . "
"Why don't you go back out in the sun and see if that helps, ok?" I ask him, reaching out to squeeze his hand. I worry about him. He always tries so hard not to let it show, but his homesickness lingers there underneath his elven-bred stoic nature.
"Dat'z a guud ideea. Thaenkz, al," he says, rising from his chair.
I wash our glasses in the sink, and finish straightening up the den and putting the vacuum away. I'm cleaning the glass on the TV screen with the Windex when he sneaks up on me for the umpteenth time today.
"Booooeee!"
This time I do jump. I never heard the screen door. He IS getting good at this game.
"Waenna sea my neu eerreeng?" he teases.
Thinking he has been in my jewelry box again, I reach up quickly to brush his hair back and see what it is he has swiped from me this time. He has a fetish for my long dangley earrings that matches his fetish for the sun and the trees. Sure enough, he's got a long dangley one hanging from his earlobe. Except it's not an earring from my jewelry box.
It's the little green lizard from the kitchen window that looks out upon the deck. It's hanging from his earlobe by its teeth.
I can't believe my mind actually takes the time to register that much information before I hit the floor in a sort of slow motion. When I come to, he's squatting down on his haunches, leaning over me, fanning me with his hands as fast as he can. With the little green lizard still firmly attached to his right earlobe.
"al? al?" he's hollering at me, just short of being in a panic. "al? U okae?"
Even Legolas, as fast as he is, is unprepared at the speed at which I come flying up off the floor, desperate to get as far away from that little green monster as possible. Next thing either of us knows, he is smack on his fanny in the middle of the den, and I am headed out the screen door at top speed.
When he manages to get himself up, he makes his way cautiously outside, but stays on the carport. This is a good thing, because with that little green monster still hanging from his earlobe, he's going to have to be a whole lot faster than an elf to catch me. I am frantically pacing the edge of the yard at the treeline, in the shady part where the lizards don't often go during the day.
"al? Wassa maedder, al?" he calls anxiously to me, totally confused at the wiles of women at this point.
"Nothing," I lie. "I'm fine, I'm ok," I reply. It's true, you didn't actually touch it, al, you're going to be ok, maybe not today, but you'll be ok in a couple of days, really . . .
"Buet al, u. . ." he holds his hands out towards me and takes a step off the carport concrete onto the grass.
"STAY THERE!" I yell. I startle him enough that he stops dead in his tracks. "Just stay right there on the carport, ok?"
"Buet, al. . ." he starts towards me once more.
"STOP, LEGOLAS!" I yell again. When he halts, I take a deep breath and, trying to still myself from shaking so hard, I calmly say, "Now, take that thing off of your ear, please." I still can't believe the thing was actually in my house. INSIDE THE HOUSE. And I almost TOUCHED IT.
He looks at me, puzzled. His right hand moves upward to touch his earlobe, where he encounters the lizard earring he has totally forgotten about. He squeezes it gently, and it lets go and drops serenely into his waiting hand. He regards it for a moment, before holding it out innocently toward me like some kind of sacrifice, saying, "Deed I skeer u wid dis?"
Uhh ohh. If I say yes, he'll know about my number one fear. Nobody knows about that. NOBODY. You didn't tell anybody, did you? No? Good.
So I answer him with the mother of all lies. "No, you did not scare me," I say, finishing the thought inside my head by saying to myself it scared me all by itself. As he takes a step forward, I find myself taking a step backward. He has this worried look on his face, not a hint of malice in him, but I can't forget the number of times this scene has replayed itself from my childhood when my younger brother would step toward me just like that and then. . .
I cannot control it any longer. I break to the left and run.
I see him look down at his hand, then he darts away from me to the right and puts the harmless little lizard down on the warm deck railing. By the time I reach the edge of our 2 acre yard, he has caught me by the arm and pulls me to his chest, murmuring over and over as I sob and he holds me and strokes my hair, "I em soerrie, al, I deent noe, I em soe soerrie. . ."
Ten minutes later he is on the deck, telling the lizards why they have to go back to the forest, why they can't sun on the deck anymore. Of course, they aren't interested in his speech, but they cock their little heads and watch him anyway. Exasperated, he comes back inside where he has left me nursing the lemonade he has poured for me.
"Dey sae dey doent waent tu goe. Dey waen tu noe if dey stae oudsied on da dek an doent eber com een, wuld dat bea okae?"
"Fine," I sigh, too rattled at this point to care.
"Dat saettlez it den," he concludes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That evening, after I finish taking my shower, I overhear Legolas and Yes Dear talking about what happened. I make sure to bang around in the bathroom so that they can hear I have opened the door and am headed their way. They drop the subject of me and my phobia in favor of the baseball game that is on the TV.
Life moves on, and the evening goes by without the incident being mentioned. That is, until Legolas goes rummaging through the kitchen cabinets in search of a late night snack and turns up a Palmetto Bug instead.
"Bie da Valar!" I hear him exclaim. "Whut en da Haellz of Maendoz eez dat thang?" *
For those of you who have never encountered the Palmetto Bug, a brief description is in order. The rest of you who have encountered it can just sit over there and shiver while you skip this part. This bug is found in the southern United States, preferring warm climates of 84 degrees Fahrenheit or so as it's favorite temperature. This creature grows to as large as 3 inches long, and is a dark reddish brown in coloration. It is seen both night and day, and is winged and fully capable of flight. It is more commonly known as the cockroach.
Yes Dear's masculine curiosity gets the best of him, and he is soon in the kitchen with Legolas, eyeballing the creature. The three of them are having a stare off when I decide to get up from reading the newspaper comics and see what it is they are looking at.
"It's a Palmetto Bug," whispers Yes Dear. "Be careful, Legolas, they can fly."
"Reely?" gasps the Prance, moving a step backward behind Yes Dear.
"Yep. I'm gonna ease over there and get my shoe on so I can step on it."
"Waent me tu goe git my boe an aroz?" Legolas asks, still not taking his eyes off the creature.
"Maybe," says Yes Dear, who dearly loves to egg Legolas on. "We might need them, but not just yet."
"Ar dey poezenus?" asks Prance Legolas, who has dealt with his share of spiders from Mirkwood in his day.
"I don't know," teases Yes Dear. "I've never been bitten by one."
"Bietten?!" gulps Mirkwood's finest.
Just as Yes Dear reaches for his shoe there by the door, and just as I enter the kitchen from the den, the damned thing takes off flying, aimed right for Legolas' head. As he ducks, I step up to the plate and whap the thing with the newspaper I am still holding in my hand. It falls to the floor right near where Yes Dear is standing, and he quickly dispatches it by mashing it with the shoe. It makes a satisfying crunching noise.
"Bie Elbereth an Anor!" * Legolas croaks. "U saevd me, al! Dat thang kaem rite at me!"
He hugs me until I think I might have bruises. He hugs Yes Dear too. Then, lifting a lock of my long brown hair (ok, brown and gray), he solemnly announces, "I thank id iz tiem dat u staerted warein Worrier Braedz."
In ten minutes, he has braided my forelock back behind my head, and each side of my long mane is also neatly done and secured with rubber bands. Standing behind me as we face the mirror, he puts his hands on my shoulders and proclaims, "Bie da poewr of da reelm of Meedle erth, I , Prance Legolas Greenleaf, proenawnce u a Worrier of Mirkwuud."
The expression on his face is worth the weight of the world in gold to me. Or in mithril, for that matter. I will cherish the memory of the day I earned my "Worrier Braedz" for the rest of my mortal life, and I have proudly worn them every day since being bestowed with them.
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Really Loose Elven Translations:
"Bie da Valar!" : Good Lord!
"Whut en da Haellz of Maendoz eez dat thang?" : What in Heaven's name is that thing?
"Bie Elbereth an Anor!" : By the Queen of the Stars and The Sun!
Responses to Reviewers:
(Try that again) Love Notes to Fans From Legolas: (there, that's better)
TreeHugger and Elu: I em not druulin ober eni of da Viktoereeaz Seekrit gurlz, buet I due soe waent sum of dose buutz, an I wuld like to trie on doez weengz tu! Moest of da wimin I noe doen't like fur u tu jest let dem ween. Dey waent u tu at leest pertand u wuz trien tu beet dem. Leedle Peep iz straeng becuz she likes her snoekone jest plane whin she kuld hav eni won of dose huendridz of culurz oen it. Wuz I maed at Trea? I hav furgot all abot dat *wisselz Da Soeng Dat Neber Eandz*
Grammar Laedee: I tryd da ise kreem wonce fur shaempu, aeftr all it duz smael guud, buet it maed my hare all steeky. Mebbe I deed not git it all ouet. Hearz a hueg fur u! *huegs*
Anja: I meesed u wile u wear goen! *Huegz an keesez!*
The Two Princesses: Hae Laedeez! I wuld lub tu hav u com liv wid me at alz houese! It soendz like M neadz tu com da moest, doe. Ar u doen da Galadriel thang oen my gurls, M? Bedder stoep dat! Hear iz a beeg skweeze of elbin lub fur eech of u! *skweezee!* *skweezee!* *skweezee!* Noew eberybuddy goe hueg Gollum fur me tu, okae?
Arilyn: poe iz my faeverit Taelietuebbie. I eben saew heem at da paraede on TV fur Thaenksgeevin!
Tenshi: my hedake iz muech bedder, thankz! Guud tu sea u! *Huegs*
Lady Silence: I thank it wuld bea haerd tu fead da peenwinz if dey wear alredy ded. An I lub Pez! I have Laemb Choepz, an Saenta Kluaz, an Tweadea Beerd, an a hoel buench moer!
Nienor_raukwen09: Hae! Glaed u joynd us! al waentz tu now if u mint she iz a gaenus, or I em. I sed u mint me fur shuer.
Lirenel: dat ise kreem weel giv u a baed hedake! Soendz like u hav haed won tu? I em glaed u rote tu me!
Lily Frost: al sez if it snoez hear beafour I goe, she weel maek me an ise kreem out of snoe. I noe hoew tu rite my naem en da snoe, but I neber maed ise kreem frum it beafour.
Endomiel: hae agin! Dat ise kreem hedake deed huert!
Eve of Mirkwood: I lub u tu! Iz dat whut dat ise kreem maen wuz doen? * groelz*
Magical Rachel: Thaenkz fur da beeg huegz an keesz. I deedn't eet tu muech tuerkee, buet I deed eet loetz of coern, an poetaedoz, and draessin, an grean beenz, an salid, an punkim pie! I thaenk Orlando wuld bea a guud choece tuu, buet he iz suenin heemsef en da Karabeen rite noew pertandin tu bea a pyerat.
Princess ArWen of sMirkwood: Wuld u like tu hav haf of dis ise kreem I em eetin? Hear u goe!
Eileen: al sed I culd noet eet ise kreem ouet of da kaertun uenlass I pud it een a bowel.
gershwin: *swoenz* She kalld me Sweaty Pye! al tuuk ur aedvise an let me trie da peenuet budder an chokolit ise kreem, and ur rite, it IZ GUUD! Huegz an keesz tu u tuu!
Stimpy: Buet I like kaendie! Due u thank eniwon wuld giv me sum kaendie if I wuld git en da kar wid dem? Iz it choklit? Okae!
SarWolfe Snape: *huegz tu u* Datz okae, al got me unuthr won.
Katherine: Kin u pued voedka en ise kreem?
Loopy4_1: Haldir iz hear? Oen Modren erth? Bie da Valar, I neu he wuld com luukin fur me! Kwik! Hied me! An he tuuk da labender baf saeltz tu? U ar rite, Galadriel weel bea smaellin like a flouer beafour loeng. . . .
Estina: I hav loetz of thaengz tu tael u, buet al tipez so sloe! I doen't thank we weel git tu all of da fuen thaengz beafour I hav tu goe. Thaenk u fur tipin tu me!
Undomiel Greenleaf: Trea iz en lub wid sum maenga maen noew. U weel hafta wate fur Irena an Puter Patty an Nancing Elf an. . . weel, da liest iz vary loeng. I wuld like to trie dat daencin thaeng tho. Den I culd teech Gameli whin I git bak!
ithinkineedanewname: Haeppie Burfdae! Deed u like my tuerkee haet? I maed it misef. I hoep u goet loetz of guud praesantz!
Newmoon: *huegz tu u tu!*
Skye Rocket: I haed tu meeny choeeses. I mite hafta eet ise kreem all dae tu deeside wich won I like baest.
laure: *bleenkz, luukz tu sea if laegz ar steel dere* I hav noet sean eni faengurlz yaet, doe al iz karful wear she taekz me. We due lib in a leedle toewn.
the_ringspell: al gaev up oen da spaellin laessonz, doe Peepin duz steel trie. An she bot me a neu ise kreem whin mine fael, soe I gess I em havin a perty guud weak.
Puter Patty: Leat me discrieb fur u hoew I eet my ise kreem agin. Furst, I sloelie peal bak da raeppr soe I kin sea all dat kreemie guudniss ensied, den I braeng it up kloes tu my noez soe I kin smael all da eunik flaevurz, den I . . . Legolas! This is rated PG-13! Quit that! *weenkz an blueshez*
IRENA: *GROELZ* HAE DERE, BAYBEE!! I like meent choklit cheep tu! An I like dat choklit surup dat gitz haerd whin u pud it oen ur koen. Due u hav sum of dat? An mebbe a chearrie? Kin u teech me tu due dat thang wid my tung, rwalaer-nin?
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My goodness, we now have over 300 reviews, and this time you didn't do any of them yourself, did you Legolas? We've also had quite a few new names to add to your love letters list too! Thank you to everyone who responded; it really is a nice way to ward off this homesickness he experiences from time to time. Next chapter is already started, so push the little button and leave your message quick! I hope to have it up this weekend!