Chapter 19 Going Bye Bye
A/N: Sorry for the big time jump here, with that last chapter happening in late August, and now here we are the last week of November. The Friday after Thanksgiving, to be exact. The official start of Christmas season.
This is a "to be continued" chapter. I will tell you up front, so you aren't worried about me not getting it finished before next week.
Ah, next week. I don't want to talk about it.
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Well, the turkey is carved, the potatos devoured, the bread buttered, and the vegetables consumed. The table has been cleared, the pots and pans washed, the china plates dried and returned to the cabinets from whence they came. The football game is over. Another Thanksgiving Day has come to an end.
Friday dawns bright and clear. I can hear Little Pip and Legolas stirring around in the den already. Yes Dear is in the shower and the minute I make the slightest movement, Mikey the cat takes it upon himself to jump onto the bed and make biscuits on my head to assure I get up. I swear Yes Dear taught him that trick, and he pays him in cat treats to do it daily.
After I dress, I head to the kitchen where I find Legolas excitedly standing at the back door, shifting his weight from foot to foot in his anticipation.
"Leedle Peep sez we ar goen bie bie en da vaen!" he announces. Not even a good morning-he gets right to his point.
"That's right, Legolas," I answer. "Did you get some breakfast yet?"
"She sez we ar goen oen a loeng treep tudae. She sez we ar goen tu fiend a Chreestmiss Trea!" He's so happy, he's positively giddy.
I don't really want to get him any more worked up at this point, so I keep it low key. "Right again," I say. "Now I need you to go get ready so you don't get left here, ok?"
"Okae!" He's still standing by the door, swaying side to side. He's also still wearing his pajamas. Remember the baby balrog britches? Well, I never got them back. This morning the BBB's are complemented by a navy blue T- shirt with a huge Elmo face that proclaims "Elmo Loves You!" and on his feet are Yes Dear's Winnie the Pooh slippers.
I pour some of his favorite Oat Bran Flakes into a bowl and add some dried fruit and extra raisins. Sticking a spoon into the bowl, I turn to find he hasn't budged an inch forward or back, though the side to side continues. He is grinning madly.
"Legolas?"
"Yaes?"
"Can you eat this for me?"
"Okae!"
I hand him the bowl and watch while he stands in place and shovels the cereal in. In about 6 gulps, he hands me the empty bowl, and resumes swaying.
It's gonna be one of those days.
Some days he is my strong mature Elven warrior, and other days I am painfully reminded that he is still very young for an immortal. I head to the bedroom, where I lay out his clothes for him. He obviously is way past doing it himself this morning. To the jeans and undershirt, I add a Christmas sweatshirt with a cat wearing reindeer antlers and a pair of red boxer shorts with tiny green and gold presents bearing gift tags that say, "Don't Open Until X-Mas!" on them. I make a mental note to be sure to check that he remembers the boxers go UNDER the jeans.
"Legolas!" I call him. "Come here, please!"
"Ar we goen yeat?" he inquires as he pokes his nose through the bedroom doorway.
"You need to dress first, " I answer. "Put these on, and then go brush your teeth. Then we'll be almost ready, ok?"
"Okae!" He looks at the sweatshirt. "Dis keetie duzn't luuk tu haeppie. Whut'z da maettr wid heem?"
"Most cats fail to see the humor in wearing things other than fur on their heads," I reply.
"Whut iz dat oen heez hed? He luukz like a dear!"
"Those are antlers. He's supposed to be one of Santa's reindeer."
He giggles. "Weel, he DUZ luuk seely!"
I leave him to dress, gathering up the rest of the things we will need for the trip. A few minutes later I find him once again standing at the back door, waiting patiently. Thankfully, the boxers are under the jeans. At least, I think so; I don't see them. My curiosity gets the best of me, so I sneak the opportunity to lift his shirt in the back to see. Yep, there's a bit of red poking out of the top of the pants. Perfect.
Well, almost perfect. I hand him the card with our address and phone number on it. Just in case I get lost again, you see. He still hasn't mastered the numbers, probably a little dyslexic in my opinion, but we have practiced with the card, and he does just fine. After all, most of the time even I have to really think about it when I'm out somewhere and I need to dial the number to my own home. You just never call yourself, right?
He gives me a sheepish grin, pocketing the card. "I aelmoest furgot it, deedn't I?" he says.
Suddenly there is a cacophony of noises coming down the hallway. You'd think we had an oliphant in the house from the sound of things.
"I'm ready!" announces Little Pip, dragging a loaded bookbag, a coat, and Shadow her stuffed dog who is wearing a custom made Santa suit hand crocheted by none other than the "Grammar Laedee" herself.
"What have you got in there?" I ask, incredulous.
"Why?" she asks back. Funny, a part of me thought she'd say, 'Nothing.'
"Just curious," I say.
"Well, I've got some art stuff, and... . ."
"Aert stuef?" Legolas turns from the door, coming to peer into Little Pip's bookbag. He LIKES her art stuff.
"Yeah. I've got a sketch book, and markers, and some gel pens, and some books to read and.. . ."
"An sum Beeny Baebeez!" crows the Prance. "I lub Beeny Baebeez!"
"Go on and put it in the van," I tell them. "Then come back and go use the bathroom one more time."
"But I just did!" whines Little Pip.
"Try again anyway," I cajole. "You too, Legolas."
"Okae!" he throws back over his shoulder as he bounds out the opened door and down the steps.
Ten minutes later, we are all finally in the car. Yes Dear is a little miffed, as he had wanted to leave an hour earlier. Little Pip and Legolas are still bickering over who gets to sit on which side in the backseat, with Little Pip trying to explain why switching sides for the ride home will not work.
"You have to keep the same side in the car on the way back if you want to see the other side of the mountain," she says for the umpteenth time.
"Noe u doent," he counters.
"Yes, you do."
"Noe u doent."
"Yes, you do."
Noe u doent."
Then finally, the phrase I've been expecting, "Momma! He's hopeless!"
"Am noet!" comes his curt reply.
"Knock it off, both of you," I interrupt.
"We'll take 2 different roads, ok?" says Yes Dear, settling the problem, at least for now.
We pass through town and head out through the countryside, singing Christmas carols as we go. My favorite is "Angels We Have Heard on High," which is great fun as Legolas learns the tenor part rapidly and we can have a full choir on the "Gloooooooowrea, en eggshellsis Dayeo" part. Yes Dear votes for "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,' and Little Pip teaches us all the alternative verses to "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells."
Legolas picks "Away In A Manger," and with tears in his eyes, says "Dat poar leedle baebee, at leest Elbereth wuz dere tu wach ober heem."
About 30 minutes after we leave the house, Legolas says from the backseat, "Ar we dere yeat?"
"No, dear, it's a couple of hours until we get to where we are going. You'll see the mountains a long time before we get there."
Silence ensues. Not anything near what I expected. Surprised at the lack of questions, I turn around and ask," Is everything ok?"
Legolas hangs his head, and sheepishly admits, "I havta goe tu da bafruum."
"I thought you went before we left?" I ask.
"I deed. Noe I hav tu goe agin."
I glance at Yes Dear, who has the exasperated father look on his face.
"We're in the middle of nowhere," he says. "He'll have to wait."
"Yes Dear said you'll.. . . "
"I herd heem. I hav elvis eerz, u noe." He crosses his legs and shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
In about 5 minutes, Yes Dear pulls up outside a decrepit country gas station, one of those with the single pump outside that looks like it needed renovation the day I was born. "Will this do?" he asks.
"Come on, Legolas. Let's go find the bathroom," I say, opening the door.
"Whut?" he says.
"I said, Let's go."
"I herd u. I hav elvis eerz, u noe. I done't hav tu goe tu da bafruum animoer. It wuz jest an elvis miest."
"He means he farted, Momma," says Little Pip, holding her nose.
I whack Yes Dear on the arm as he turns to say something unbecoming to the Prance. "Just keep driving," I say.
We continue along uneventfully for the next hour or so, if you consider the occasional squabble over the gel pens from the back seat uneventful. We move peacefully onto the Interstate, surprised at how little traffic there is for the Friday after Thanksgiving. "Everyone must be at the mall in Greenville," states Yes Dear.
"Maybe all of them are already at the tree farm, Daddy. There won't be any trees left when we get there!" Little Pip exclaims in a worried voice.
"I'm sure there will be some left," I tell her, noting the worried look on Legolas' face as well. "They have a whole forest full of them."
We exit the Interstate and pass through one of the local college towns. You can tell what the team mascot is by the 6-foot wide tiger paws painted on the road as you go along.
"WOEW!" gasps Legolas from the backseat. Before I can stop him, he has unbuckled his seatbelt, pushed open the window, and is hanging out from the hips up looking down at the paw prints as we roll past them at close to 60 miles per hour. Little Pip grabs him as he almost pitches out, pulling back on the waistband of the red Christmas boxers for all she is worth.
"MOMMA!" she screams to me. "LOOK WHAT HE'S DOING NOW!!!"
"LEGOLAS!!!!" I shout, leaning back to grab a handful of the boxers myself to keep him from falling out of the window as Yes Dear quickly brakes.
"DOSE AR DA BEEGIST WAERG FEAT I HAV EBER SEAN!!!" he whoops excitedly out the window, blonde hair whipping in the wind. "WHAR DEED U PUET MY BOE?"
"GET BACK IN HERE!!" demands Yes Dear.
Legolas pulls his head back into the van. "Whut?" he inquires. "Deedn't u sea dem? We weel nead my boe an aroz if dere iz won dat beeg hear!"
My heart is pounding too hard to answer him. Yes Dear looks like he might like to use that bow himself, but I don't want to think how and where. Little Pip is the one who comes to the rescue this time.
"They aren't real, dummy! Those are painted on paw prints, from the college!"
"Whut kiend of moenstr iz a kawlidge?" says Legolas. "I doent thank I hav eber sean a kawlidge beafour."
Little Pip rolls her eyes. "It's not a monster," she says, "It's a school, like my school, but for grownups."
Legolas stares at her with eyes wide, then gives her the Thranduil eyebrow.
"The football team paints them on there, to show the way to the football field, and to scare off the opposing team, " I tell him. "There are no monsters or animals up here that are that big anywhere. Now put your seat belt back on."
"Oooohhh. . . . ." says the Prance, settling back into his seat.
"There's a Wendy's," says Yes Dear. "I'm stopping to get lunch." He pulls the van over, taking the first parking space available.
We pile out of the van. Little Pip is skipping across the parking lot, babbling about what choices are available for what will merely be second breakfast for her. She'll ask again for elevensies, even though she'll be a little late with her request. Yes Dear is right behind her, already salivating.
As I pull the sliding door closed on the van, I have to suppress a giggle. Poor Legolas has a good 8 inches of Christmas boxers hanging out of the top of his jeans where Little Pip has given him the Wedgie From Hell. He's trying nonchalantly to pull them back into place, looking around at the landscaping and the advertisements and whistling as he picks and tugs unsuccessfully.
"Still need that bathroom?" I ask. "This would be a good time to go."
"Ummm. . . yeas, I due thank I nead tu goe," he answers.
A few minutes later, he meets me at the counter, looking fresh as a flower and none the worse for wear. He orders French fries and a Frosty, heedless of the fact that it is 40 degrees Fahrenheit outside. I order my own meal, and add some chili and a Mello Yello for him. After the fries and Frosty are gone, he polishes off the chili as well.
Within half an hour, we are back on the road again. As Yes Dear brakes for the first stoplight just past the Wendy's restaurant, Legolas lets out a war cry loud enough to rattle my brains.
"DERE DEY AR!!" he cries, leaning across a shocked Little Pip to point out the window.
Following his arm, I see what has grabbed his attention. It's a Christmas tree lot of cut trees being sold by one of the local charitable organizations.
"AN DERE'Z SAENTA KLAWSE!!" he crows, scrambling out of his seatbelt and over Little Pip to the window. He jerks the window open, waving desperately, "HAE SAENTA!! HAE! ITZ ME! LEGOLAS!!!! WE'AR HARE!!"
"This isn't it, you . . . you. . .AAUUGGHHH!!!" shouts Little Pip, hauling him back from the window this time by the collar of his sweatshirt. "And that's NOT Santa Claus!"
Hurt and surprised at this news, Legolas stares open mouthed at her, half- standing in the space between the seats. "Den whoe iz it?" he challenges, scowling.
Yes Dear gets the green light and pulls ahead, throwing the Prance back into his seat. "Put your seatbelt back on!" I bark at him.
"Whoe iz it?" he questions Little Pip again as he fastens the buckle.
"It's just some man dressed up in a Santa suit! Everybody knows that!" she yells, exasperated.
"Noe itz noet!"
"Yes it is!"
"Noe itz noet!"
"Yes it is!"
"Iz noet!"
"Is too!"
"Iz noet!"
"MOMMA!"
"I wish this van had headphones for the radio," mumbles Yes Dear, not about to get into this argument.
Turning in my seat, I try to explain. "Legolas, dear," I start, "Little Pip is right. That is a man dressed up in a Santa suit. You will see that all over the place for the next several weeks."
"Aen Empoestr??!!" he gasps, startled to the core.
"Well, sort of. These men dress up like Santa, then gather the lists of little children everywhere and report to the real Santa Claus to tell him what to bring on Christmas night."
"The REAL Santa Claus at the North Pole. The one that has the ELVES and the REINDEER," scoffs Little Pip.
Legolas considers this for a moment. "I hav sean dose elves," he contemplates. "I thot dey maed kuukiez?"
"Not THOSE elves!" huffs Little Pip. "These elves make toys!"
"Ooeehh. . . " concedes the Prance.
We travel on about 4 miles more before his alarm goes off again. "WE'AR HARE!" he shouts from the backseat as Yes Dear stops for the light. Sure enough, there sits a Christmas tree lot on the right.
"No, Legolas," I say, motioning for him to sit back down. "We still have to go up onto the mountain to get to the place where we are going."
By the fifth Christmas tree lot we pass, Yes Dear mumbles again, " I sure wish this van had headphones for the radio."
When "HARE WE AR!" rolls out for the eighth time, Little Pip can stand it no more. "Would you PUHLEASE SHUT UP!!!" she hollers at him.
His disappointment is palpable. "Sorrie. . . ." he mutters, head hanging. Fortunately we have just made the turn onto the final leg of our journey. Only 30 miles left until we reach our destination.
Unfortunately, this 30-mile part of the trip takes at least an hour to make, for it rapidly begins a steep 10% grade uphill, and is full of hairpin turns and switchbacks.
"At least there will be no Christmas tree lots for the next 30 miles," I whisper to Yes Dear.
"God, I hope not," he answers, rolling his eyes toward heaven.
Little Pip perks up at the first curve. She begins singing, "Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go," followed by, "The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see."
When she finishes, and after joining her as best he can on the chorus parts, Legolas exclaims, "Weal, dat maekz sanse! Whut aelse wuz daat bare eggspektin?"
Before long the excitement of turning left and right and left and right wears off, and both of them are soon looking out the windows, watching the cold mountain stream that meanders along the side of the roadway as it flows downhill past us. In about 10 minutes, the backseat is so quiet I begin to wonder if we have experienced a Twilight Zone moment and the two of them have been magically teleported out of the backseat and into some alternate universe. Turning around in my own seat, I am caught unawares at the sight my eyes behold.
I didn't know elves could do that.
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Lub Ledders frum Legolas:
CowgirlKK12: U AR FURST! U beet ur moem! HAHAHA! U shuld reed ur moemz stoereez, dey ar fuennie! Seand her tu al if u doen't waent her, al weel taek her.
Karri: I due mees my fraendz an faemilie. al weel git me hoem suun.
ashlee: *coffz an usez da groevelly voece* Hae Baybee! Glaed u like me!
arabe_elf: *draewz elfsef up entu fuell mael worrier hite* al wuz refferin tu my buettokz, wich she duez kwite freekwantly, az u kinsea. *uzez Ada's weeglee eyebroewz oen al* She eez blueshin een da koerner, an she sez u laern sumptin neau ebery dae, an seandz her thaenkz.
Erendis: *al, whutz a luerkr? It's like a stalker, only safer, Legolas. O.O* Thaenk u fur ledding me noe u wear out dere, an u ar welkom.
Jazz: *al pushes Legolas out of the chair* OMG! Someone actually wrote to ME!!! No slash, though I swear he peeks when I am not home. Thanks! *doorbell rings* Ooops, be right back. *tea hea hea!* Dat doarball treik wurkz ebery tiem! I weel mees all of u tu. . . .*huegz*
Skye Rocket: I lub it whin u sae "I lub dis!" Sae it agin! Teahea! *bloez keesez*
Arilyn: I lub raen! I lub sloe teeny spreenklz, an meedeum siez droepz, an loetz of buekitz of raen.
laure: Oeh, noe. Dis iz noet yaet da eand. Dat weel bea neckz weak.
the_ringspell: I thaenk it iz kuul tu! U kin sea it iz all TreaHueggrz fawlt dat eberybuddy in Modren erth thankz dey hav sean me nekkid.
Magical Rachel: It iz 40 deegreez hear tudae. Dat maen whoe thaenkz he is Frodo cuet off all heez hare! Whoeaw! *huegz u tu keap u waerm*
Michelle: *hueg* U ar oen my faevuritez liest tu!
SarWolf Snape: Whut iz a faengurl? I'll tell you later, Legolas. Don't worry, you're safe here. I deed noet waent eberywon tu noe abot dat Dwarf Gloin haevin my hare!! Buet it tuernd out okae, deedn't it?
Estina: Bea kareful at kamp! Leedle Peep weant tu kamp an a snaek feal out of a Trea wile dey whur at da sweemin hoel!
Eileen: I weant tu sea misef a cupl of tiemz rite aftur I goet hear. Sea Chaeptr 12. I em goen neckz weak agin.
isilwen: *keesez u* I deed noet noe a kees culd maek a womin tipe like dat! Due it agin-I lub it! *seands anuthr kees*
Loopy4_1: I em soerrie ur keetie neadz a neu hoem. We hav 4 hear. Dey git vary jealus of eech othr.
Stimpy: We due noet hav eni nayborz beehiend us, juest treaz. Dere ar treaz on da siedz tu. Da oenly plaec u kinnot ruen nekkid iz en da froen yaerd. al tot me dat da furst tiem I deed it. I thank whut she deed iz kaeld "flippd out."
Phoenix Flight: Dere ar maeny aedvanturz we deed noet hav tiem tu tael. I thank al shuld rite dem latr, but she sez noe.
The Two Princesses: al maekz me kerry da wader tu da tumadoz. I em perty stroeng, u noe! *flaxez muesclez* Whut wuz da skreemin noieze I herd whin I deed dat?? *flaxez agin* Sea? Dere it goez agin!! Whut ar all dose x an o'z? Those are Hugs and Kisses from the Two Princesses, Legolas. Oooeehhhh. . . .Huegz an keesez fur u tu! *xoxoxoxo*
Lady Silence: U ar geegly an swuuny tu?? Ai, Valar, da elfmaednz at hoem uzed tu due dat .. . .
Lily Frost: Hae Lily! Hae Willow! Hae eberybuddy ealse! I lub raen. . . .
JastaElf: She sed im seaxsee! An adorubel! *THUD!* al sighs, waits. . .*Uuuhhh* Okae, I em okae . . . .We hav chets nuetz hear tu, Ada. Jaesta, it iz noet a "Guud Thang" (c. u) whin Ada duz da weegleez. If he skowlz an huempz tu, u bedder jest moeve out. Datz whut I deed. Tael da neeknaemz, Jaesta!!! Tael!!! Tael eberybuddy!!! She sed she lubz me tu! *THUD *
Puter Patty: wuld u bied if I wuz oen eBay? I hoep soe! Deed u jest kaell me Sweatcheakz? *faelz frum chare* Hey, PP, I caught him trying to read E_E over my shoulder! Had to give him the paint outside in the rain to get rid of him so I could finish. Hey! OW! *Lego pueshz al frum chare* Hearz a hueg frum me! *Huegz* An hearz a kees tu! *KEEEEESSSSSEEEEEZZZZZ U*
TreeHugger: I saevd da beast teel laest. Weel, Yeas deer sed noe kanonbaelz, noet no Baellifloepz. Dat tub hoeldz 6 peeple at da saem tiem, sept dat all da wader goez out whin u due dat. Jest ask Elu, frum whin we wear hear aftr he got heeld by Loard Elrond. al sez tu tael u it iz up tu 3 noew. It IZ purfickt hear, I thank. An Diolla le tu u, o Kween of da Proem!
IRENA! IRENA! A'MAELAMIN! I wuld paynt u a lobely pikshure of whuteber u deasierd. I saew da Titeanik, mebbe I culd paynt a pikshure like da wonz dat guy deed. He uzed pincilz doe, maed of wuud. Tael me, baybee, whut kiend of duk maekz duk taep?
You'll never guess what happens next, on the continuing adventures of our favorite elf in Modren erth! Write your own love letter quick, this one's a 3 parter and he goes back next week!!!
A/N: Sorry for the big time jump here, with that last chapter happening in late August, and now here we are the last week of November. The Friday after Thanksgiving, to be exact. The official start of Christmas season.
This is a "to be continued" chapter. I will tell you up front, so you aren't worried about me not getting it finished before next week.
Ah, next week. I don't want to talk about it.
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Well, the turkey is carved, the potatos devoured, the bread buttered, and the vegetables consumed. The table has been cleared, the pots and pans washed, the china plates dried and returned to the cabinets from whence they came. The football game is over. Another Thanksgiving Day has come to an end.
Friday dawns bright and clear. I can hear Little Pip and Legolas stirring around in the den already. Yes Dear is in the shower and the minute I make the slightest movement, Mikey the cat takes it upon himself to jump onto the bed and make biscuits on my head to assure I get up. I swear Yes Dear taught him that trick, and he pays him in cat treats to do it daily.
After I dress, I head to the kitchen where I find Legolas excitedly standing at the back door, shifting his weight from foot to foot in his anticipation.
"Leedle Peep sez we ar goen bie bie en da vaen!" he announces. Not even a good morning-he gets right to his point.
"That's right, Legolas," I answer. "Did you get some breakfast yet?"
"She sez we ar goen oen a loeng treep tudae. She sez we ar goen tu fiend a Chreestmiss Trea!" He's so happy, he's positively giddy.
I don't really want to get him any more worked up at this point, so I keep it low key. "Right again," I say. "Now I need you to go get ready so you don't get left here, ok?"
"Okae!" He's still standing by the door, swaying side to side. He's also still wearing his pajamas. Remember the baby balrog britches? Well, I never got them back. This morning the BBB's are complemented by a navy blue T- shirt with a huge Elmo face that proclaims "Elmo Loves You!" and on his feet are Yes Dear's Winnie the Pooh slippers.
I pour some of his favorite Oat Bran Flakes into a bowl and add some dried fruit and extra raisins. Sticking a spoon into the bowl, I turn to find he hasn't budged an inch forward or back, though the side to side continues. He is grinning madly.
"Legolas?"
"Yaes?"
"Can you eat this for me?"
"Okae!"
I hand him the bowl and watch while he stands in place and shovels the cereal in. In about 6 gulps, he hands me the empty bowl, and resumes swaying.
It's gonna be one of those days.
Some days he is my strong mature Elven warrior, and other days I am painfully reminded that he is still very young for an immortal. I head to the bedroom, where I lay out his clothes for him. He obviously is way past doing it himself this morning. To the jeans and undershirt, I add a Christmas sweatshirt with a cat wearing reindeer antlers and a pair of red boxer shorts with tiny green and gold presents bearing gift tags that say, "Don't Open Until X-Mas!" on them. I make a mental note to be sure to check that he remembers the boxers go UNDER the jeans.
"Legolas!" I call him. "Come here, please!"
"Ar we goen yeat?" he inquires as he pokes his nose through the bedroom doorway.
"You need to dress first, " I answer. "Put these on, and then go brush your teeth. Then we'll be almost ready, ok?"
"Okae!" He looks at the sweatshirt. "Dis keetie duzn't luuk tu haeppie. Whut'z da maettr wid heem?"
"Most cats fail to see the humor in wearing things other than fur on their heads," I reply.
"Whut iz dat oen heez hed? He luukz like a dear!"
"Those are antlers. He's supposed to be one of Santa's reindeer."
He giggles. "Weel, he DUZ luuk seely!"
I leave him to dress, gathering up the rest of the things we will need for the trip. A few minutes later I find him once again standing at the back door, waiting patiently. Thankfully, the boxers are under the jeans. At least, I think so; I don't see them. My curiosity gets the best of me, so I sneak the opportunity to lift his shirt in the back to see. Yep, there's a bit of red poking out of the top of the pants. Perfect.
Well, almost perfect. I hand him the card with our address and phone number on it. Just in case I get lost again, you see. He still hasn't mastered the numbers, probably a little dyslexic in my opinion, but we have practiced with the card, and he does just fine. After all, most of the time even I have to really think about it when I'm out somewhere and I need to dial the number to my own home. You just never call yourself, right?
He gives me a sheepish grin, pocketing the card. "I aelmoest furgot it, deedn't I?" he says.
Suddenly there is a cacophony of noises coming down the hallway. You'd think we had an oliphant in the house from the sound of things.
"I'm ready!" announces Little Pip, dragging a loaded bookbag, a coat, and Shadow her stuffed dog who is wearing a custom made Santa suit hand crocheted by none other than the "Grammar Laedee" herself.
"What have you got in there?" I ask, incredulous.
"Why?" she asks back. Funny, a part of me thought she'd say, 'Nothing.'
"Just curious," I say.
"Well, I've got some art stuff, and... . ."
"Aert stuef?" Legolas turns from the door, coming to peer into Little Pip's bookbag. He LIKES her art stuff.
"Yeah. I've got a sketch book, and markers, and some gel pens, and some books to read and.. . ."
"An sum Beeny Baebeez!" crows the Prance. "I lub Beeny Baebeez!"
"Go on and put it in the van," I tell them. "Then come back and go use the bathroom one more time."
"But I just did!" whines Little Pip.
"Try again anyway," I cajole. "You too, Legolas."
"Okae!" he throws back over his shoulder as he bounds out the opened door and down the steps.
Ten minutes later, we are all finally in the car. Yes Dear is a little miffed, as he had wanted to leave an hour earlier. Little Pip and Legolas are still bickering over who gets to sit on which side in the backseat, with Little Pip trying to explain why switching sides for the ride home will not work.
"You have to keep the same side in the car on the way back if you want to see the other side of the mountain," she says for the umpteenth time.
"Noe u doent," he counters.
"Yes, you do."
"Noe u doent."
"Yes, you do."
Noe u doent."
Then finally, the phrase I've been expecting, "Momma! He's hopeless!"
"Am noet!" comes his curt reply.
"Knock it off, both of you," I interrupt.
"We'll take 2 different roads, ok?" says Yes Dear, settling the problem, at least for now.
We pass through town and head out through the countryside, singing Christmas carols as we go. My favorite is "Angels We Have Heard on High," which is great fun as Legolas learns the tenor part rapidly and we can have a full choir on the "Gloooooooowrea, en eggshellsis Dayeo" part. Yes Dear votes for "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,' and Little Pip teaches us all the alternative verses to "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells."
Legolas picks "Away In A Manger," and with tears in his eyes, says "Dat poar leedle baebee, at leest Elbereth wuz dere tu wach ober heem."
About 30 minutes after we leave the house, Legolas says from the backseat, "Ar we dere yeat?"
"No, dear, it's a couple of hours until we get to where we are going. You'll see the mountains a long time before we get there."
Silence ensues. Not anything near what I expected. Surprised at the lack of questions, I turn around and ask," Is everything ok?"
Legolas hangs his head, and sheepishly admits, "I havta goe tu da bafruum."
"I thought you went before we left?" I ask.
"I deed. Noe I hav tu goe agin."
I glance at Yes Dear, who has the exasperated father look on his face.
"We're in the middle of nowhere," he says. "He'll have to wait."
"Yes Dear said you'll.. . . "
"I herd heem. I hav elvis eerz, u noe." He crosses his legs and shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
In about 5 minutes, Yes Dear pulls up outside a decrepit country gas station, one of those with the single pump outside that looks like it needed renovation the day I was born. "Will this do?" he asks.
"Come on, Legolas. Let's go find the bathroom," I say, opening the door.
"Whut?" he says.
"I said, Let's go."
"I herd u. I hav elvis eerz, u noe. I done't hav tu goe tu da bafruum animoer. It wuz jest an elvis miest."
"He means he farted, Momma," says Little Pip, holding her nose.
I whack Yes Dear on the arm as he turns to say something unbecoming to the Prance. "Just keep driving," I say.
We continue along uneventfully for the next hour or so, if you consider the occasional squabble over the gel pens from the back seat uneventful. We move peacefully onto the Interstate, surprised at how little traffic there is for the Friday after Thanksgiving. "Everyone must be at the mall in Greenville," states Yes Dear.
"Maybe all of them are already at the tree farm, Daddy. There won't be any trees left when we get there!" Little Pip exclaims in a worried voice.
"I'm sure there will be some left," I tell her, noting the worried look on Legolas' face as well. "They have a whole forest full of them."
We exit the Interstate and pass through one of the local college towns. You can tell what the team mascot is by the 6-foot wide tiger paws painted on the road as you go along.
"WOEW!" gasps Legolas from the backseat. Before I can stop him, he has unbuckled his seatbelt, pushed open the window, and is hanging out from the hips up looking down at the paw prints as we roll past them at close to 60 miles per hour. Little Pip grabs him as he almost pitches out, pulling back on the waistband of the red Christmas boxers for all she is worth.
"MOMMA!" she screams to me. "LOOK WHAT HE'S DOING NOW!!!"
"LEGOLAS!!!!" I shout, leaning back to grab a handful of the boxers myself to keep him from falling out of the window as Yes Dear quickly brakes.
"DOSE AR DA BEEGIST WAERG FEAT I HAV EBER SEAN!!!" he whoops excitedly out the window, blonde hair whipping in the wind. "WHAR DEED U PUET MY BOE?"
"GET BACK IN HERE!!" demands Yes Dear.
Legolas pulls his head back into the van. "Whut?" he inquires. "Deedn't u sea dem? We weel nead my boe an aroz if dere iz won dat beeg hear!"
My heart is pounding too hard to answer him. Yes Dear looks like he might like to use that bow himself, but I don't want to think how and where. Little Pip is the one who comes to the rescue this time.
"They aren't real, dummy! Those are painted on paw prints, from the college!"
"Whut kiend of moenstr iz a kawlidge?" says Legolas. "I doent thank I hav eber sean a kawlidge beafour."
Little Pip rolls her eyes. "It's not a monster," she says, "It's a school, like my school, but for grownups."
Legolas stares at her with eyes wide, then gives her the Thranduil eyebrow.
"The football team paints them on there, to show the way to the football field, and to scare off the opposing team, " I tell him. "There are no monsters or animals up here that are that big anywhere. Now put your seat belt back on."
"Oooohhh. . . . ." says the Prance, settling back into his seat.
"There's a Wendy's," says Yes Dear. "I'm stopping to get lunch." He pulls the van over, taking the first parking space available.
We pile out of the van. Little Pip is skipping across the parking lot, babbling about what choices are available for what will merely be second breakfast for her. She'll ask again for elevensies, even though she'll be a little late with her request. Yes Dear is right behind her, already salivating.
As I pull the sliding door closed on the van, I have to suppress a giggle. Poor Legolas has a good 8 inches of Christmas boxers hanging out of the top of his jeans where Little Pip has given him the Wedgie From Hell. He's trying nonchalantly to pull them back into place, looking around at the landscaping and the advertisements and whistling as he picks and tugs unsuccessfully.
"Still need that bathroom?" I ask. "This would be a good time to go."
"Ummm. . . yeas, I due thank I nead tu goe," he answers.
A few minutes later, he meets me at the counter, looking fresh as a flower and none the worse for wear. He orders French fries and a Frosty, heedless of the fact that it is 40 degrees Fahrenheit outside. I order my own meal, and add some chili and a Mello Yello for him. After the fries and Frosty are gone, he polishes off the chili as well.
Within half an hour, we are back on the road again. As Yes Dear brakes for the first stoplight just past the Wendy's restaurant, Legolas lets out a war cry loud enough to rattle my brains.
"DERE DEY AR!!" he cries, leaning across a shocked Little Pip to point out the window.
Following his arm, I see what has grabbed his attention. It's a Christmas tree lot of cut trees being sold by one of the local charitable organizations.
"AN DERE'Z SAENTA KLAWSE!!" he crows, scrambling out of his seatbelt and over Little Pip to the window. He jerks the window open, waving desperately, "HAE SAENTA!! HAE! ITZ ME! LEGOLAS!!!! WE'AR HARE!!"
"This isn't it, you . . . you. . .AAUUGGHHH!!!" shouts Little Pip, hauling him back from the window this time by the collar of his sweatshirt. "And that's NOT Santa Claus!"
Hurt and surprised at this news, Legolas stares open mouthed at her, half- standing in the space between the seats. "Den whoe iz it?" he challenges, scowling.
Yes Dear gets the green light and pulls ahead, throwing the Prance back into his seat. "Put your seatbelt back on!" I bark at him.
"Whoe iz it?" he questions Little Pip again as he fastens the buckle.
"It's just some man dressed up in a Santa suit! Everybody knows that!" she yells, exasperated.
"Noe itz noet!"
"Yes it is!"
"Noe itz noet!"
"Yes it is!"
"Iz noet!"
"Is too!"
"Iz noet!"
"MOMMA!"
"I wish this van had headphones for the radio," mumbles Yes Dear, not about to get into this argument.
Turning in my seat, I try to explain. "Legolas, dear," I start, "Little Pip is right. That is a man dressed up in a Santa suit. You will see that all over the place for the next several weeks."
"Aen Empoestr??!!" he gasps, startled to the core.
"Well, sort of. These men dress up like Santa, then gather the lists of little children everywhere and report to the real Santa Claus to tell him what to bring on Christmas night."
"The REAL Santa Claus at the North Pole. The one that has the ELVES and the REINDEER," scoffs Little Pip.
Legolas considers this for a moment. "I hav sean dose elves," he contemplates. "I thot dey maed kuukiez?"
"Not THOSE elves!" huffs Little Pip. "These elves make toys!"
"Ooeehh. . . " concedes the Prance.
We travel on about 4 miles more before his alarm goes off again. "WE'AR HARE!" he shouts from the backseat as Yes Dear stops for the light. Sure enough, there sits a Christmas tree lot on the right.
"No, Legolas," I say, motioning for him to sit back down. "We still have to go up onto the mountain to get to the place where we are going."
By the fifth Christmas tree lot we pass, Yes Dear mumbles again, " I sure wish this van had headphones for the radio."
When "HARE WE AR!" rolls out for the eighth time, Little Pip can stand it no more. "Would you PUHLEASE SHUT UP!!!" she hollers at him.
His disappointment is palpable. "Sorrie. . . ." he mutters, head hanging. Fortunately we have just made the turn onto the final leg of our journey. Only 30 miles left until we reach our destination.
Unfortunately, this 30-mile part of the trip takes at least an hour to make, for it rapidly begins a steep 10% grade uphill, and is full of hairpin turns and switchbacks.
"At least there will be no Christmas tree lots for the next 30 miles," I whisper to Yes Dear.
"God, I hope not," he answers, rolling his eyes toward heaven.
Little Pip perks up at the first curve. She begins singing, "Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go," followed by, "The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see."
When she finishes, and after joining her as best he can on the chorus parts, Legolas exclaims, "Weal, dat maekz sanse! Whut aelse wuz daat bare eggspektin?"
Before long the excitement of turning left and right and left and right wears off, and both of them are soon looking out the windows, watching the cold mountain stream that meanders along the side of the roadway as it flows downhill past us. In about 10 minutes, the backseat is so quiet I begin to wonder if we have experienced a Twilight Zone moment and the two of them have been magically teleported out of the backseat and into some alternate universe. Turning around in my own seat, I am caught unawares at the sight my eyes behold.
I didn't know elves could do that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lub Ledders frum Legolas:
CowgirlKK12: U AR FURST! U beet ur moem! HAHAHA! U shuld reed ur moemz stoereez, dey ar fuennie! Seand her tu al if u doen't waent her, al weel taek her.
Karri: I due mees my fraendz an faemilie. al weel git me hoem suun.
ashlee: *coffz an usez da groevelly voece* Hae Baybee! Glaed u like me!
arabe_elf: *draewz elfsef up entu fuell mael worrier hite* al wuz refferin tu my buettokz, wich she duez kwite freekwantly, az u kinsea. *uzez Ada's weeglee eyebroewz oen al* She eez blueshin een da koerner, an she sez u laern sumptin neau ebery dae, an seandz her thaenkz.
Erendis: *al, whutz a luerkr? It's like a stalker, only safer, Legolas. O.O* Thaenk u fur ledding me noe u wear out dere, an u ar welkom.
Jazz: *al pushes Legolas out of the chair* OMG! Someone actually wrote to ME!!! No slash, though I swear he peeks when I am not home. Thanks! *doorbell rings* Ooops, be right back. *tea hea hea!* Dat doarball treik wurkz ebery tiem! I weel mees all of u tu. . . .*huegz*
Skye Rocket: I lub it whin u sae "I lub dis!" Sae it agin! Teahea! *bloez keesez*
Arilyn: I lub raen! I lub sloe teeny spreenklz, an meedeum siez droepz, an loetz of buekitz of raen.
laure: Oeh, noe. Dis iz noet yaet da eand. Dat weel bea neckz weak.
the_ringspell: I thaenk it iz kuul tu! U kin sea it iz all TreaHueggrz fawlt dat eberybuddy in Modren erth thankz dey hav sean me nekkid.
Magical Rachel: It iz 40 deegreez hear tudae. Dat maen whoe thaenkz he is Frodo cuet off all heez hare! Whoeaw! *huegz u tu keap u waerm*
Michelle: *hueg* U ar oen my faevuritez liest tu!
SarWolf Snape: Whut iz a faengurl? I'll tell you later, Legolas. Don't worry, you're safe here. I deed noet waent eberywon tu noe abot dat Dwarf Gloin haevin my hare!! Buet it tuernd out okae, deedn't it?
Estina: Bea kareful at kamp! Leedle Peep weant tu kamp an a snaek feal out of a Trea wile dey whur at da sweemin hoel!
Eileen: I weant tu sea misef a cupl of tiemz rite aftur I goet hear. Sea Chaeptr 12. I em goen neckz weak agin.
isilwen: *keesez u* I deed noet noe a kees culd maek a womin tipe like dat! Due it agin-I lub it! *seands anuthr kees*
Loopy4_1: I em soerrie ur keetie neadz a neu hoem. We hav 4 hear. Dey git vary jealus of eech othr.
Stimpy: We due noet hav eni nayborz beehiend us, juest treaz. Dere ar treaz on da siedz tu. Da oenly plaec u kinnot ruen nekkid iz en da froen yaerd. al tot me dat da furst tiem I deed it. I thank whut she deed iz kaeld "flippd out."
Phoenix Flight: Dere ar maeny aedvanturz we deed noet hav tiem tu tael. I thank al shuld rite dem latr, but she sez noe.
The Two Princesses: al maekz me kerry da wader tu da tumadoz. I em perty stroeng, u noe! *flaxez muesclez* Whut wuz da skreemin noieze I herd whin I deed dat?? *flaxez agin* Sea? Dere it goez agin!! Whut ar all dose x an o'z? Those are Hugs and Kisses from the Two Princesses, Legolas. Oooeehhhh. . . .Huegz an keesez fur u tu! *xoxoxoxo*
Lady Silence: U ar geegly an swuuny tu?? Ai, Valar, da elfmaednz at hoem uzed tu due dat .. . .
Lily Frost: Hae Lily! Hae Willow! Hae eberybuddy ealse! I lub raen. . . .
JastaElf: She sed im seaxsee! An adorubel! *THUD!* al sighs, waits. . .*Uuuhhh* Okae, I em okae . . . .We hav chets nuetz hear tu, Ada. Jaesta, it iz noet a "Guud Thang" (c. u) whin Ada duz da weegleez. If he skowlz an huempz tu, u bedder jest moeve out. Datz whut I deed. Tael da neeknaemz, Jaesta!!! Tael!!! Tael eberybuddy!!! She sed she lubz me tu! *THUD *
Puter Patty: wuld u bied if I wuz oen eBay? I hoep soe! Deed u jest kaell me Sweatcheakz? *faelz frum chare* Hey, PP, I caught him trying to read E_E over my shoulder! Had to give him the paint outside in the rain to get rid of him so I could finish. Hey! OW! *Lego pueshz al frum chare* Hearz a hueg frum me! *Huegz* An hearz a kees tu! *KEEEEESSSSSEEEEEZZZZZ U*
TreeHugger: I saevd da beast teel laest. Weel, Yeas deer sed noe kanonbaelz, noet no Baellifloepz. Dat tub hoeldz 6 peeple at da saem tiem, sept dat all da wader goez out whin u due dat. Jest ask Elu, frum whin we wear hear aftr he got heeld by Loard Elrond. al sez tu tael u it iz up tu 3 noew. It IZ purfickt hear, I thank. An Diolla le tu u, o Kween of da Proem!
IRENA! IRENA! A'MAELAMIN! I wuld paynt u a lobely pikshure of whuteber u deasierd. I saew da Titeanik, mebbe I culd paynt a pikshure like da wonz dat guy deed. He uzed pincilz doe, maed of wuud. Tael me, baybee, whut kiend of duk maekz duk taep?
You'll never guess what happens next, on the continuing adventures of our favorite elf in Modren erth! Write your own love letter quick, this one's a 3 parter and he goes back next week!!!