TITLE: Forsaken
AUTHOR: stub
DATE: 4-25-04
RATING: R - just to be safe
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these people. Paramount does.
SUMMARY: Trip deals with another loss.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was going for angst. Not sure if I overdid it, though. Or under-did it for that matter. This had been knocking around in my head for a while. Originally it was going to be much longer, but since I don't have the attention span for epics, I've attempted to condense it.
* * *
Three weeks.
It's been three weeks since the end of the Xindi conflict. Three weeks since Captain Archer and the rest of the crew of Enterprise battled the reptilian and insectoid factions of the Xindi, since Shran showed up again to lend an Andorian hand. Three weeks since the Vulcans - led by none other than Ambassador Soval - arrived shortly after Shran to offer fire power against the enemy, since the weapon was destroyed, since our victory over the Xindi.
It's been three weeks since I've seen her. Three weeks since T'Pol was mortally wounded, since Soval took her away on a Vulcan ship - to be returned to Vulcan, presumably. He said it was his prerogative as a Vulcan to take one of his own back to their homeland to die an honorable death.
I never even got to say goodbye. I'll never understand why he sent her over there. She wasn't fit for duty. I tried to beg him not to send her. He just got angry. His jealousy impaired his judgment.
* * *
"She's not ready, Cap'n!" I pleaded. I was at his shoulder.
Captain Archer spun around to face me. He leaned in close, almost nose to nose with me.
"She's going, Trip," he spat. "That's final."
"But sir-"
"ENOUGH!"
Archer's eyes burned with an intensity I'd never seen before. It scared me. But what scared me more was that he was unwilling to listen. And I was unwilling to accept that as his final word.
"Send a MACO instead," I said quietly but firmly.
His eyes narrowed at me. "What is this?"
"She's not ready, sir," I repeated. "I can't let you send her over there."
"It's not your decision to make, Commander. Doctor Phlox has released T'Pol for duty." Archer turned his back on me and looked out his window.
"He shouldn't have. She's unstable."
"So you're her psychiatrist now?" His voice was hard and cold.
I was the closest she had to one. Aloud I said, "Phlox doesn't know her as well as I do."
At this, the captain turned back around. His scowl was deep. "Commander, you are out of line. I know you think you have...feelings...for T'Pol, but this is what she signed up for. She's going. She'll be accompanied by two MACOs. That's my final word."
I was outraged. My feelings, whether fabricated or genuine, had nothing to do with this. We stood glaring at each other for several long moments. I could feel my face get hotter by the second.
"Fine," I finally managed through gritted teeth. "But if anything happens to her-"
"Dismissed!" He turned back toward the window.
I spun on my heel and left.
* * *
I haven't had a full night's sleep since the night before T'Pol's mission three weeks ago. I can't get more than an hour or two without the nightmares starting up. These are so much different than the ones I was having after Lizzie's death, though. These nightmares are more than just survivor's guilt manifesting itself. This time I really did feel completely responsible. I could have done something more...I should have done something. She'd still be alive now if I had. Hell, I was right here! It's partially my fault she was dead.
The tears came again. I kicked off the blanket and sat up. I fumbled in the dark for a t-shirt and my briefs. I wiped my face as I padded to the door. Checking to make sure the hall was clear I darted off down the corridor. My feet carried me to her quarters, as they had every night since her death. I thumbed the lock and ducked inside.
Inhaling deeply, I could still smell her. My vision blurred as I reached a shaking hand down to the lighter that was on the desk. I lit her meditation candles. They were burned down, almost gone now. I'd hoped they'd last until we made it back to Earth. I could get more at the Vulcan compound.
I stripped off my clothes and curled up on the silky meditation pillows. They still smelled like her, too. I stared into the flame of one of the candles. There was no one to help me sleep now. In the time when I needed T'Pol the most, she wasn't here. I let the sobs come freely, wondering if they'd ever stop. Would there be a time in the future when I didn't have to cry myself to sleep?
But I couldn't sleep. My eyes kept drifting to her bunk. Some nights I'd sneak in here and crawl right into her bed. Those were the nights that ached the most. Her scent was all over the sheets and pillows. I didn't dare send them down the laundry chute. I'll lose her forever if I do. The nights I crawl into her bed bring me back to the night before she left. The last night I'd ever spend with T'Pol.
***
I sneaked down the hall, cautiously looking over my shoulder as I went. The last thing I needed was to be seen on my way to Sub-Commander T'Pol's quarters after midnight. It was one thing to be coming from her room after a scheduled neuropressure session, but going back long afterward was suspicious, even to me. I had to see her again. I'd tried to go to sleep but there was a nagging sensation that I couldn't shake.
If I didn't see her now, I might never get the chance to tell her anything again.
Crazy, I know. T'Pol's mission tomorrow was dangerous but she'd be back. She had to be. We need her now more than ever. Despite my efforts to convince Captain Archer to keep her on Enterprise, he refused. And I can see his point. She does have more experience in the field than all the MACOs combined. But still...
I entered the code on her door and slipped inside. It was dark. She had gone to bed. I carefully made my way to her bed and knelt down before it. T'Pol's back was to me, her very naked back. My heart jumped at the sight of her. I watched her for several minutes, remembering what it felt like to hold her in my arms, remembering that night we shared not so long ago. I could feel a small smile creep across my face at the memory.
That's what decided it for me. I stood up and removed my night clothes. Slowly I pulled back the covers and carefully crawled into bed with T'Pol. I spooned her, slipping my arm around her waist and gently pulling her against me. In her sleep, she snuggled right up. I sighed, kissed her softly on her shoulder and closed my eyes.
No sooner had I done so than I felt T'Pol stir. She arched her back, stretching in a way that to me seemed very feline. Slowly she rolled over in my arms to face me. I opened my eyes. She was gazing sleepily at me. I smiled.
"I couldn't sleep," I whispered sheepishly.
"So you came here?" She raised an eyebrow at me. T'Pol didn't seem entirely surprised. In fact, it seemed that she might have been waiting for me.
I ran a finger down her jaw to her chin. "It seemed like the logical thing to do."
She sighed and closed her eyes again. I felt her arm snake around my waist as a soft, smooth knee slipped between my thighs. I continued to gaze at her dozing form, my finger still traced a line over her chin and up to her lips. I've only kissed her that one time...well, that one night. Many times that one night. I had a particular affinity for her bottom lip. And if I recall correctly, T'Pol had a certain something for mine.
A shiver ran down my spine at the memories. I leaned forward and kissed her gently on the mouth. Her leg slipped further between mine. My thumb stroked her cheek. I didn't want to close my eyes again. I wanted this moment burned into my memory forever. My thumb arced down her chin and swept lightly over her bottom lip again.
T'Pol's lips parted and her tongue poked out to caress my thumb. I could feel my heart rate speed up. She gently sucked my thumb into her mouth. Her hand slid up from my waist and clasped mine as her tongue swirled around my digit, up and down. My eyes rolled back into my head as I focused on the sensations she was eliciting. I felt myself harden against her. I didn't come here for sex. I just wanted to be with T'Pol.
She pulled my thumb from her mouth and kissed the palm of my hand and then my wrist. She looked up at me. Our eyes locked for a long minute, just gazing at each other. I wanted her like I've wanted no other, in every way imaginable. I was scared out of my head. I would do anything for this woman.
That's when it hit me: I'd fallen in love with her. Everything made sense to me in that moment, and at the same time I was confused as hell. I had no idea if she felt the same or if I was just a convenience for sexual release. There was really no point in thinking about it now. Tomorrow she would be gone, possibly forever. I decided that I really didn't want to know.
There was only one thing I could think to do. I leaned forward and kissed her deeply. She pulled me over her, so I was laying on top of her. She'd already wrapped her legs around me, slowly grinding her hips against my erection. We kissed languorously, taking our time, enjoying each other's bodies at a slow and steady pace. I got the feeling I wasn't the only one with the notion that we'd never see each other again. We took our time, lazily making love to each other through the night. I worshipped her body, memorizing every minute detail, the sounds she made, the words she uttered in my ear.
When morning came, I reluctantly put my clothes back on. I kissed T'Pol one last time before sneaking off down the corridor back to my own quarters. In the shower, I smashed my fist against the wall and cursed loudly at Captain Archer for sending her away.
* * *
I lay there curled up on the pillows. Mourning for T'Pol and feeling sorry for myself bled together. I didn't know what time it was and I didn't care, quite frankly. But if anyone finds me in her quarters, naked and crying they'll lock me up in Sickbay for the rest of the way home. Hell, they might even lock me in the brig.
For the first time I noticed that two of the meditation candles had burned down to nothing. There were still three left, but they wouldn't last three more weeks. The thought of not lighting her candles every night brought a new lump to my throat. I bit my bottom lip to hold back the fresh tears brewing. I need to talk Chef into lending me some paraffin so I can make my own candles.
TBC...
AUTHOR: stub
DATE: 4-25-04
RATING: R - just to be safe
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these people. Paramount does.
SUMMARY: Trip deals with another loss.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was going for angst. Not sure if I overdid it, though. Or under-did it for that matter. This had been knocking around in my head for a while. Originally it was going to be much longer, but since I don't have the attention span for epics, I've attempted to condense it.
* * *
Three weeks.
It's been three weeks since the end of the Xindi conflict. Three weeks since Captain Archer and the rest of the crew of Enterprise battled the reptilian and insectoid factions of the Xindi, since Shran showed up again to lend an Andorian hand. Three weeks since the Vulcans - led by none other than Ambassador Soval - arrived shortly after Shran to offer fire power against the enemy, since the weapon was destroyed, since our victory over the Xindi.
It's been three weeks since I've seen her. Three weeks since T'Pol was mortally wounded, since Soval took her away on a Vulcan ship - to be returned to Vulcan, presumably. He said it was his prerogative as a Vulcan to take one of his own back to their homeland to die an honorable death.
I never even got to say goodbye. I'll never understand why he sent her over there. She wasn't fit for duty. I tried to beg him not to send her. He just got angry. His jealousy impaired his judgment.
* * *
"She's not ready, Cap'n!" I pleaded. I was at his shoulder.
Captain Archer spun around to face me. He leaned in close, almost nose to nose with me.
"She's going, Trip," he spat. "That's final."
"But sir-"
"ENOUGH!"
Archer's eyes burned with an intensity I'd never seen before. It scared me. But what scared me more was that he was unwilling to listen. And I was unwilling to accept that as his final word.
"Send a MACO instead," I said quietly but firmly.
His eyes narrowed at me. "What is this?"
"She's not ready, sir," I repeated. "I can't let you send her over there."
"It's not your decision to make, Commander. Doctor Phlox has released T'Pol for duty." Archer turned his back on me and looked out his window.
"He shouldn't have. She's unstable."
"So you're her psychiatrist now?" His voice was hard and cold.
I was the closest she had to one. Aloud I said, "Phlox doesn't know her as well as I do."
At this, the captain turned back around. His scowl was deep. "Commander, you are out of line. I know you think you have...feelings...for T'Pol, but this is what she signed up for. She's going. She'll be accompanied by two MACOs. That's my final word."
I was outraged. My feelings, whether fabricated or genuine, had nothing to do with this. We stood glaring at each other for several long moments. I could feel my face get hotter by the second.
"Fine," I finally managed through gritted teeth. "But if anything happens to her-"
"Dismissed!" He turned back toward the window.
I spun on my heel and left.
* * *
I haven't had a full night's sleep since the night before T'Pol's mission three weeks ago. I can't get more than an hour or two without the nightmares starting up. These are so much different than the ones I was having after Lizzie's death, though. These nightmares are more than just survivor's guilt manifesting itself. This time I really did feel completely responsible. I could have done something more...I should have done something. She'd still be alive now if I had. Hell, I was right here! It's partially my fault she was dead.
The tears came again. I kicked off the blanket and sat up. I fumbled in the dark for a t-shirt and my briefs. I wiped my face as I padded to the door. Checking to make sure the hall was clear I darted off down the corridor. My feet carried me to her quarters, as they had every night since her death. I thumbed the lock and ducked inside.
Inhaling deeply, I could still smell her. My vision blurred as I reached a shaking hand down to the lighter that was on the desk. I lit her meditation candles. They were burned down, almost gone now. I'd hoped they'd last until we made it back to Earth. I could get more at the Vulcan compound.
I stripped off my clothes and curled up on the silky meditation pillows. They still smelled like her, too. I stared into the flame of one of the candles. There was no one to help me sleep now. In the time when I needed T'Pol the most, she wasn't here. I let the sobs come freely, wondering if they'd ever stop. Would there be a time in the future when I didn't have to cry myself to sleep?
But I couldn't sleep. My eyes kept drifting to her bunk. Some nights I'd sneak in here and crawl right into her bed. Those were the nights that ached the most. Her scent was all over the sheets and pillows. I didn't dare send them down the laundry chute. I'll lose her forever if I do. The nights I crawl into her bed bring me back to the night before she left. The last night I'd ever spend with T'Pol.
***
I sneaked down the hall, cautiously looking over my shoulder as I went. The last thing I needed was to be seen on my way to Sub-Commander T'Pol's quarters after midnight. It was one thing to be coming from her room after a scheduled neuropressure session, but going back long afterward was suspicious, even to me. I had to see her again. I'd tried to go to sleep but there was a nagging sensation that I couldn't shake.
If I didn't see her now, I might never get the chance to tell her anything again.
Crazy, I know. T'Pol's mission tomorrow was dangerous but she'd be back. She had to be. We need her now more than ever. Despite my efforts to convince Captain Archer to keep her on Enterprise, he refused. And I can see his point. She does have more experience in the field than all the MACOs combined. But still...
I entered the code on her door and slipped inside. It was dark. She had gone to bed. I carefully made my way to her bed and knelt down before it. T'Pol's back was to me, her very naked back. My heart jumped at the sight of her. I watched her for several minutes, remembering what it felt like to hold her in my arms, remembering that night we shared not so long ago. I could feel a small smile creep across my face at the memory.
That's what decided it for me. I stood up and removed my night clothes. Slowly I pulled back the covers and carefully crawled into bed with T'Pol. I spooned her, slipping my arm around her waist and gently pulling her against me. In her sleep, she snuggled right up. I sighed, kissed her softly on her shoulder and closed my eyes.
No sooner had I done so than I felt T'Pol stir. She arched her back, stretching in a way that to me seemed very feline. Slowly she rolled over in my arms to face me. I opened my eyes. She was gazing sleepily at me. I smiled.
"I couldn't sleep," I whispered sheepishly.
"So you came here?" She raised an eyebrow at me. T'Pol didn't seem entirely surprised. In fact, it seemed that she might have been waiting for me.
I ran a finger down her jaw to her chin. "It seemed like the logical thing to do."
She sighed and closed her eyes again. I felt her arm snake around my waist as a soft, smooth knee slipped between my thighs. I continued to gaze at her dozing form, my finger still traced a line over her chin and up to her lips. I've only kissed her that one time...well, that one night. Many times that one night. I had a particular affinity for her bottom lip. And if I recall correctly, T'Pol had a certain something for mine.
A shiver ran down my spine at the memories. I leaned forward and kissed her gently on the mouth. Her leg slipped further between mine. My thumb stroked her cheek. I didn't want to close my eyes again. I wanted this moment burned into my memory forever. My thumb arced down her chin and swept lightly over her bottom lip again.
T'Pol's lips parted and her tongue poked out to caress my thumb. I could feel my heart rate speed up. She gently sucked my thumb into her mouth. Her hand slid up from my waist and clasped mine as her tongue swirled around my digit, up and down. My eyes rolled back into my head as I focused on the sensations she was eliciting. I felt myself harden against her. I didn't come here for sex. I just wanted to be with T'Pol.
She pulled my thumb from her mouth and kissed the palm of my hand and then my wrist. She looked up at me. Our eyes locked for a long minute, just gazing at each other. I wanted her like I've wanted no other, in every way imaginable. I was scared out of my head. I would do anything for this woman.
That's when it hit me: I'd fallen in love with her. Everything made sense to me in that moment, and at the same time I was confused as hell. I had no idea if she felt the same or if I was just a convenience for sexual release. There was really no point in thinking about it now. Tomorrow she would be gone, possibly forever. I decided that I really didn't want to know.
There was only one thing I could think to do. I leaned forward and kissed her deeply. She pulled me over her, so I was laying on top of her. She'd already wrapped her legs around me, slowly grinding her hips against my erection. We kissed languorously, taking our time, enjoying each other's bodies at a slow and steady pace. I got the feeling I wasn't the only one with the notion that we'd never see each other again. We took our time, lazily making love to each other through the night. I worshipped her body, memorizing every minute detail, the sounds she made, the words she uttered in my ear.
When morning came, I reluctantly put my clothes back on. I kissed T'Pol one last time before sneaking off down the corridor back to my own quarters. In the shower, I smashed my fist against the wall and cursed loudly at Captain Archer for sending her away.
* * *
I lay there curled up on the pillows. Mourning for T'Pol and feeling sorry for myself bled together. I didn't know what time it was and I didn't care, quite frankly. But if anyone finds me in her quarters, naked and crying they'll lock me up in Sickbay for the rest of the way home. Hell, they might even lock me in the brig.
For the first time I noticed that two of the meditation candles had burned down to nothing. There were still three left, but they wouldn't last three more weeks. The thought of not lighting her candles every night brought a new lump to my throat. I bit my bottom lip to hold back the fresh tears brewing. I need to talk Chef into lending me some paraffin so I can make my own candles.
TBC...