Fractured Fairytales
By Jerle Shannara
Snow Caucasian and the Five Vertically Challenged Individuals
The scene opens on an evil queen sitting in front of a mirror. She looks into it for a moment, then addresses it.
Queen: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? There is a piercing whistle from offstage, then a voice.
Voice: Excuse me, (a man enters in a wheelchair), but I'm the Political Correctness Police Officer, PCP for short.
Queen (irritated): Whad'ya want?
PCP: I must ask you not to use the term Fairest. Please use "Most Asthetically Pleasing" instead.
Queen (Irritated): Ok Ok! (PCP departs.
Queen (addressing the mirror again): Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most (sarcasm) asthetically pleasing of them all?
Mirror: Uh---I hate to break it to you lady, but it's definitely not you. I mean you're---how should I put this---getting on in years and---
Queen (infuriated): How dare you mention my age!
Mirror (undaunted): But anyway, the most asthetically pleasing is this hot chick named Snow Caucasian. She's got this really white skin and she's like the bomb! Boy is she hot! If I weren't a mirror---well---
Queen (turning away): I must get rid of this Snow Caucasian. I will be the fairest---ahem---most asthetically pleasing (sarcasm again), in the land! (Launches into a parody of Someday my Prince will Come).
Scene changes to later. The queen is sitting, holding a pineapple.
Queen: Yeah, this'll take care of Snow Caucasian. I'll get her with my poison apple!
Voices (from somewhere offstage): Pineapple!
Queen (annoyed): Whatever!
Scene changes again, this time to Snow Caucasian. She's cleaning up the kitchen at her house and extremely pissed about it.
Snow Caucasian: This is sooo stupid! My stupid sisters get to go to a stupid movie and I'm here cleaning stupid house!
(The door opens and her mom comes in).
Mom: You're not done yet?
SC: You just left! Mom: We forgot a few things. Listen, this kitchen had better be clean when I come home or there'll be trouble! (Mom leaves again and Snow Caucasian mutters to herself.
SC: I'll show her. I'm gettin' outta here!
Scene changes to Snow Caucasian a little later. She's at some strange house where everything's been redesigned for short people. This is rather inconvenient for her, but it's better than cleaning house. It's not long before a group of five short guys come in.
Guy 1: What're you doin' here? Who are you anyway?
SC: Who are you?
Guy1 (proudly): We're the five Dwarves!
PCP (rolling in in his wheelchair): Please refrain from using the word Dwarves. Use Vertically Challenged Individuals instead.
Guy 1: we're the five Vertically Challenged Individuals. My name's Insomniac!
Guy2: I'm Genius!
Guy3 (in hopeless voice): I'm Terminally Depressed.
Guy4 (in overly chipper voice): I'm Chipper!
Guy 5 (in haughty voice): And my name's Haughty!
SC: Ok. I'm Snow Caucasian.
Guys: Wow! Hey, you can cook and clean for us!
Insomniac: We're not very good at it.
SC: Now look here! I came here to get some R & R and to get away from my oppressive home life!
Terminally Depressed: Sorry.
Genius: Yeah. Well, just clean up what you can. We gotta go to work.
Chipper: Oh yeah, and if the doorbell rings answer it. I'm expecting some DVD's today.
Scene changes to later still. Snow Caucasian is sitting on the couch watching Beavis and Butthead. The doorbell rings.
SC: Coming (answering the door) Yeah?
Queen (in baglady voice): I hear yer wantin' to get away from that there family a yern.
SC: Yeah.
Queen: I got this here apple---
SC: Pineapple.
Queen: Whatever. Anyways, yeh gotta eat this here apple---
SC: Pineapple.
Queen: Whatever. It'll take care a all yer problems. I've heard tell it makes whoever eats it perty.
PCP (voice only)): More Asthetically Pleasing!
SC and Queen together (annoyed): Whatever! (Queen leaves. Snow Caucasian takes one bite of the pineapple and keels right over).
Queen (reverting to her normal voice): Mwahahahahahaha! It worked!
Voice: Hey, what's goin' on? (the five Dwarves---ahem---vertically Challenged Individuals, come traipsing home and find the queen. They enter the house and see Snow Caucasian lying on the ground as though dead).
Guys: Waaaah! Waaaaah!
Voice: I'll save her! (a sexy guy appears. He bends over Snow Caucasian.
Insomniac: Can you help her?
Man: Sure! (He plants a noisy kiss on Snow Caucasian's lips. She wakes up.
SC: My prince!
Man: Actually, I'm the artist formerly known as Prince.
SC: It doesn't matter! Let's go and get married!
Queen: Waaaaaaah!
Insomniac: Don't worry. You can stay and be our domestic goddess!
Queen: Really?
Genius: Don't quit your day job.
Chipper: If you were a meat, you'd be Miss Steak! (Queen fails to catch the subtle sarcasm in their voices. She hugs each one of them. Meanwhile, Snow Caucasian and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince got married and lived happily ever a Fractured Fairytales
By Jerle Shannara
Three Little Pigs Vignette
The scene is a courtroom. A judge sits in front of a podium. The accused, the Big Bad Wolf, is brought before him. Beside the Judge stands the Bailiff. The accusors are the Three Little Pigs.
Judge: Bailiff, read the charges.
Bailiff: The wolf is charged with harrassment, threatening to commit bodily harm and Pigomy.
Wolf: Your Honor, what is Pigomy?
Judge: The consumption of more than one porcine creature within a single twenty-four hour period.
Wolf: Oh.
Judge: I seem to remember telling you last time that if you went hog wild in my town again I'd throw the book at you!
Wolf: Yeah?
Judge: Well, (grabs a huge book and throws it at the wolf) there. He brings his gavel down sharply on the podium, signalling the end of the trial.
By Jerle Shannara
Snow Caucasian and the Five Vertically Challenged Individuals
The scene opens on an evil queen sitting in front of a mirror. She looks into it for a moment, then addresses it.
Queen: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? There is a piercing whistle from offstage, then a voice.
Voice: Excuse me, (a man enters in a wheelchair), but I'm the Political Correctness Police Officer, PCP for short.
Queen (irritated): Whad'ya want?
PCP: I must ask you not to use the term Fairest. Please use "Most Asthetically Pleasing" instead.
Queen (Irritated): Ok Ok! (PCP departs.
Queen (addressing the mirror again): Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most (sarcasm) asthetically pleasing of them all?
Mirror: Uh---I hate to break it to you lady, but it's definitely not you. I mean you're---how should I put this---getting on in years and---
Queen (infuriated): How dare you mention my age!
Mirror (undaunted): But anyway, the most asthetically pleasing is this hot chick named Snow Caucasian. She's got this really white skin and she's like the bomb! Boy is she hot! If I weren't a mirror---well---
Queen (turning away): I must get rid of this Snow Caucasian. I will be the fairest---ahem---most asthetically pleasing (sarcasm again), in the land! (Launches into a parody of Someday my Prince will Come).
Scene changes to later. The queen is sitting, holding a pineapple.
Queen: Yeah, this'll take care of Snow Caucasian. I'll get her with my poison apple!
Voices (from somewhere offstage): Pineapple!
Queen (annoyed): Whatever!
Scene changes again, this time to Snow Caucasian. She's cleaning up the kitchen at her house and extremely pissed about it.
Snow Caucasian: This is sooo stupid! My stupid sisters get to go to a stupid movie and I'm here cleaning stupid house!
(The door opens and her mom comes in).
Mom: You're not done yet?
SC: You just left! Mom: We forgot a few things. Listen, this kitchen had better be clean when I come home or there'll be trouble! (Mom leaves again and Snow Caucasian mutters to herself.
SC: I'll show her. I'm gettin' outta here!
Scene changes to Snow Caucasian a little later. She's at some strange house where everything's been redesigned for short people. This is rather inconvenient for her, but it's better than cleaning house. It's not long before a group of five short guys come in.
Guy 1: What're you doin' here? Who are you anyway?
SC: Who are you?
Guy1 (proudly): We're the five Dwarves!
PCP (rolling in in his wheelchair): Please refrain from using the word Dwarves. Use Vertically Challenged Individuals instead.
Guy 1: we're the five Vertically Challenged Individuals. My name's Insomniac!
Guy2: I'm Genius!
Guy3 (in hopeless voice): I'm Terminally Depressed.
Guy4 (in overly chipper voice): I'm Chipper!
Guy 5 (in haughty voice): And my name's Haughty!
SC: Ok. I'm Snow Caucasian.
Guys: Wow! Hey, you can cook and clean for us!
Insomniac: We're not very good at it.
SC: Now look here! I came here to get some R & R and to get away from my oppressive home life!
Terminally Depressed: Sorry.
Genius: Yeah. Well, just clean up what you can. We gotta go to work.
Chipper: Oh yeah, and if the doorbell rings answer it. I'm expecting some DVD's today.
Scene changes to later still. Snow Caucasian is sitting on the couch watching Beavis and Butthead. The doorbell rings.
SC: Coming (answering the door) Yeah?
Queen (in baglady voice): I hear yer wantin' to get away from that there family a yern.
SC: Yeah.
Queen: I got this here apple---
SC: Pineapple.
Queen: Whatever. Anyways, yeh gotta eat this here apple---
SC: Pineapple.
Queen: Whatever. It'll take care a all yer problems. I've heard tell it makes whoever eats it perty.
PCP (voice only)): More Asthetically Pleasing!
SC and Queen together (annoyed): Whatever! (Queen leaves. Snow Caucasian takes one bite of the pineapple and keels right over).
Queen (reverting to her normal voice): Mwahahahahahaha! It worked!
Voice: Hey, what's goin' on? (the five Dwarves---ahem---vertically Challenged Individuals, come traipsing home and find the queen. They enter the house and see Snow Caucasian lying on the ground as though dead).
Guys: Waaaah! Waaaaah!
Voice: I'll save her! (a sexy guy appears. He bends over Snow Caucasian.
Insomniac: Can you help her?
Man: Sure! (He plants a noisy kiss on Snow Caucasian's lips. She wakes up.
SC: My prince!
Man: Actually, I'm the artist formerly known as Prince.
SC: It doesn't matter! Let's go and get married!
Queen: Waaaaaaah!
Insomniac: Don't worry. You can stay and be our domestic goddess!
Queen: Really?
Genius: Don't quit your day job.
Chipper: If you were a meat, you'd be Miss Steak! (Queen fails to catch the subtle sarcasm in their voices. She hugs each one of them. Meanwhile, Snow Caucasian and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince got married and lived happily ever a Fractured Fairytales
By Jerle Shannara
Three Little Pigs Vignette
The scene is a courtroom. A judge sits in front of a podium. The accused, the Big Bad Wolf, is brought before him. Beside the Judge stands the Bailiff. The accusors are the Three Little Pigs.
Judge: Bailiff, read the charges.
Bailiff: The wolf is charged with harrassment, threatening to commit bodily harm and Pigomy.
Wolf: Your Honor, what is Pigomy?
Judge: The consumption of more than one porcine creature within a single twenty-four hour period.
Wolf: Oh.
Judge: I seem to remember telling you last time that if you went hog wild in my town again I'd throw the book at you!
Wolf: Yeah?
Judge: Well, (grabs a huge book and throws it at the wolf) there. He brings his gavel down sharply on the podium, signalling the end of the trial.