The Longing

Disclaimer: Just to keep up appearances, again, I own nothing that is rightfully JKR's.

Opening Comments: Wow! Thanks so much to all my reviewers. As requested, here is the next chapter. Well, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and sorry it took so long.

Chapter 5: A Little Bit of Sunshine in the Everlasting Darkness

          When Harry awoke, he was in a bed, and he heard whispers all around him. Everything was blurry. Someone had removed his glasses. He grabbed them off the nightstand and quietly sat up. He saw that the voices belonged to none other than Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore, and Mrs. Molly Weasley.

            "I'm sure everything will be alright, Remus. He probably is dealing with emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. Besides that, he hasn't eaten hardly anything in quite some time," said Dumbledore.

            "I know that you are right, Albus, but it still worries me," replied Remus in a tired voice.

            "Albus, what are we going to do? He has to know sometime," came Mrs. Weasley.

            "He will know all in good time, my dear Molly. But we cannot push anything right now."

            Mrs. Weasley sighed, "Yes, I know. He is such a fragile little dear."

            At the mention of this, Harry almost yelled. He was not fragile. He was so sick and tired of everyone treating him like a baby. He was beyond being sick of being The-Boy-Who-Lived, or to him, The-Boy-Who-Should-Have-Just-Bloody-Died. It was all too much. He quickly tried to calm himself so he could hear the rest of the conversation.

            "Albus, you do realize that we have got to tell him sometime soon. He needs to know. And I personally believe that the sooner we tell him, the sooner the real healing process can begin."

            "Remus, I do know this. And you are right. But we must give it a few more days."

            "Fine. But only a few more days."

            "Well, now that is settled, Molly, would you mind making me one of your wonderful cups of tea?"

            "Certainly Albus."

            With that, Dumbledore and Mrs. Weasley walked out of the room. Remus quietly closed the door behind them. He turned and saw that Harry was awake.

            "What was that all about, Remus?"

            "It's nothing, Harry."

            "No, it is something. I can tell. Besides, it is quite obvious that it is something because you were all talking about it where I was able to hear you."

            Remus laughed. "I know." His expression sobered, "But, I don't think that now is the time to discuss this."

            Harry couldn't help but feel a little angry. "When will be the right time? When I'm not so bloody fragile? I'm not a little kid. I deserve the truth. It's the least anyone can do."

            "First of all, I know that you are not a little kid. And I know that you are not going to break like a porcelain doll. But, Harry, you have got to understand that a lot of people can't help but think that about you because of what you have been through, and how you are dealing with it. They just don't understand. I do, though, Harry. I really do understand. And if you want the truth, I will give it to you, but not until you eat something, and start to feel better."

            "Will you tell me after I eat a little dinner?"

            "Yes. I will. But, you have to promise me that you won't do anything else stupid. Deal?"

            "Deal. Wait. Stupid? What did I do that was stupid?"

            "Do you want me to list all the stupid things you have done this summer? Let's see. You haven't been eating, you cut yourself, you drifted away, and no one thought you would come back. Shall I go on?"

            Harry actually laughed. "Okay. Okay. You've made your point. Oh, Remus?"

            "Yeah?"

            "Thanks."

            "It's no big deal."

            "Um…I promise to eat, but don't expect me to eat a whole lot at first."

            "We'll slowly build you up, kid." He got up to leave. He turned at the door. "By the way, you play very well." With that, he walked out of the room.

            A little while later, Harry showered in the adjoining bathroom, and went down to the kitchen. Everyone looked up when he walked in. He sat down in between Ron and Remus. He smiled a reassuring smile (that he didn't really feel) at everyone.

            When he had eaten almost a full plate of lasagna, Harry asked to be excused.

            "Harry, dear, you need to eat," was Mrs. Weasley's reply.

            Harry desperately looked to Remus for help.

            "Molly, Harry's stomach shrunk when he didn't eat. He has to gradually go up, or he'll get sick."

            Mrs. Weasley looked like she was going to say something, but seemed to think better of it, and allowed Harry to leave the table.

            Harry went back up to his room. Considering it was his room now, Harry decided to smoke. Besides, he thought, it isn't like anyone will let me go outside. So, Harry pulled out his pack and his lighter, found a small dish to use as an ash tray, and lit a fag.

            He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. He tried not to think about anything except inhaling and exhaling. He had just started a second one when he heard a knock on the door.

            "Come in," he said while blowing out some smoke.

            Remus and Snape walked in. Snape was carrying a cup of something, and he seemed to be his usual unpleasant self. He smirked when he saw the look on Remus' face at the sight of Harry smoking.

            "Hello," said Harry after taking another long drag. He saw the look on Remus' face too and added, "I can put this out if you would like, Remus."

            "No. It's okay. I'm just trying to get used to seeing you do that."

            This only made Snape smirk more. Actually, Harry noticed, it wasn't really a smirk. It was almost an amused smile. This was a shocking and strange new development. Of course, it being Snape and all, that hint of a smile didn't last long.

            "Potter," he said coming closer to Harry, "everyone wants you to drink this, so spare me the grief and just do it." He handed Harry the potion.

            Harry looked from Snape to Remus and then back to Snape and then said, "What exactly is it?"

            Snape sighed as though Harry was the dumbest thing to ever walk the face of the planet. This was more like the Snape Harry had always known. "It's a Strengthening Potion, Potter."

            "Oh," said Harry. Without another word, to the surprise of everyone, including himself, Harry downed the potion in one swift gulp, grimaced, and handed the cup back to Snape.

            "Thank you, Professor," said Harry after getting over the sickening taste of the potion.

            This surprised everyone. Was Harry actually being cordial to Snape? What was going on? Remus just looked at Harry with a new respect. He was certainly learning things that some adults never even learn.

            Snape turned and left without another word, closing the door behind him. It took a few more minutes for Remus to say anything.

            "Harry, I guess it is time for us to talk," he began.

            "Okay. You know, Remus, you can sit down." Remus sat beside Harry on the large bed. "And stop looking at me like I have finally lost my mind," he added.

            Remus laughed. "I just can't believe your behavior towards Snape. And Moody still refuses just about everything offered to him, even by people in the Order. It is just very surprising."

            "Yeah, well, I've been thinking that I need to control my emotions better, or I'll end up like Voldemort, and I don't want that."

            "I'm very proud of you," said Remus quietly, putting his hand on Harry's shoulder.

            This was new to Harry. No one had ever really been proud of him before. Not that he could remember, anyway. It was a new feeling, but Harry was disconcerted still. He was still scared for the people who chose to get too close to him. They could very easily be in danger, and then they might end up like Sirius.

            At the thought of his godfather, Harry thought he was going to cry. All the things he had been feeling all summer came rushing back to him in an instant, and the weight was immeasurable and a huge burden upon Harry's shoulders.

            "Harry, are you alright?" asked Remus with concern.

            "Remus, do-do you blame me for S-Sirius' death?"

            "Oh, Harry," said Remus pulling Harry into a hug, "I could never blame you for anything like that." Harry looked at him incredulously and then dropped his head. "Look at me." Harry looked up. "It was not your fault. Get that through your head. Okay? It was an accident."

            "No!" burst Harry suddenly. "No, it was my fault. If I had practiced my Occlumency and stayed out of Snape's penceive, then none of this would ever had happened! If I hadn't been so stuck in my own ways, then Sirius would still be here, and my life wouldn't be so empty."

            "Harry, everyone makes mistakes. Occlumency is not easy to learn. Besides, your pride when it comes to Snape is very understandable. You felt humiliated, and anyone else in their right minds who had been treated the way you have by him would have felt the same. Stop blaming yourself. No one else blames you, so stop blaming yourself. And you aren't alone. I know you feel that way, but you will never be alone."

            "How can you say that? I am alone. I've been alone all my life. Nothing will ever change. I'm just meant to be alone, I guess."

            "Harry," said Remus looking at the boy beside him, "maybe we should go over the things we were going to discuss tomorrow."

            "Yeah, fine. Whatever."

            No one said anything for a few minutes. Harry looked at something that no one else could see, and Remus looked at the troubled youth sitting next to him. Harry felt as though the weight of the world was on him. His shoulders were drooped in the mannerism that showed his feelings. Remus thought he would cry at the sight of Harry.

            He's just a kid, he thought. He doesn't deserve any of the pain he is going through. He needs to be like all the other kids his age, out playing and getting into fights. Not having to deal with any of the things he is going through. It really isn't fair.

            Remus looked at Harry and couldn't control his distance any longer. He pulled the youth to him and held him as a father would hold his son after he had been rejected or lost a fight.

            Surprisingly, Harry didn't pull away. As a matter of fact, Harry clung to the werewolf as though he were his lifeline. He didn't cry, he just clung to his ex-professor as though he were a little child. And he didn't really care. He had never been held like this, like a parent would. It was a new revelation, and Harry didn't want to let it go.

            When they let go of each other, the other felt a little better. Remus walked out soon after that, with the promise that he would be back later. Ron walked in a few minutes later, and the two boys caught up on some of the things they had been doing over break so far. (Harry left quite a few things out, but his friend either didn't notice, or had the sense not to say anything.) Then they played a few games of Wizard Chess and Exploding Snap.

            When Harry told his fiery-headed friend that he was exhausted, they said their goodnights, and Ron left. Remus came in a few minutes later as Harry was picking up the guitar again.

            "Don't mind me," Remus said. "Why don't you play me something?"

            "I don't really know how I played the last time. It just kind of happened."

            "The music is inside of you, along with quite a few other undiscovered gifts. Just let them flow."

            Harry nodded and pulled the guitar strap over his head. He thought for a few minutes about how he felt, and then he started to play.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain

Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames

And what do I get, for my pain

Betrayed desires, and a piece of game

Even though I know-I suppose I'll show

All my cool and cold-like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal

But can you fake it, for just one more show

And what do you want, I want to change

And what have you got

When you feel the same

Even though I know-I suppose I'll show

All my cool and cold-like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one

Tell me there's no other one

Jesus was the only son

Tell me I'm the chosen one

Jesus was the only son for you

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

And I still believe that I cannot be saved

            When Harry finished, he again set that beautiful guitar on its stand. He looked at Remus, who was looking at him with an unreadable expression. Then, suddenly, he began to clap. It embarrassed Harry, and he felt his face turning the color of Ron's hair.

            "That was excellent, Harry," said Remus.

            "Thanks Remus."

            "You know, Harry. That was one of Sirius' favorite songs. He used to play it too. He would be very proud of you."

            "Thanks."

            "Well, Harry. I'm wolf-tired. You know, the full moon is coming up and everything. I'll see you in the morning, kid."

            "Okay. Goodnight, Remus."

            "Goodnight Harry."

            When Remus left, Harry gently stroked the beautiful guitar before getting into bed himself. It had been a long day. It was definitely an improved day, but it was long and tiring nonetheless. Harry soon found himself drifting to sleep.

            In his dreams, he saw himself on a field of some kind. He saw in front of him a giant grim-like dog, a stag, and a werewolf. He looked at them and smiled. They were all so playful and kid-like. Harry looked at himself and saw that he was not a boy, but a panther. His sleek black fur shimmered in the moonlight.

            He ran to catch up with the others, and they greeted him like they were best friends. Then, suddenly, Harry turned and saw a small and quivering rat amongst the adjoining trees of a forest. He hissed at the rat, and it ran. But he chased after it, and soon caught it.

            He brought the pathetic little beast back to the others, where they, as one, finally got their revenge on the one that had forced them all to be separated forever. Then they ran off together to find some mischief in the night.

            And in his bed, Harry smiled, not wanting the dream to end. He was oblivious to everything else, and that was the way he liked it. Everyone was together at last.

Closing Comments: Well, there it is, Chapter Five. I hope you all enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it. I will get you the next chapter as soon as I can. Thank you to all the people who reviewed my story so far. Again, I promise that the next chapter will be up ASAP. Thanks to everyone.

Lyrics: "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" Smashing Pumpkins