Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Everything having to do with "The Matrix" belongs to the Wachowski brothers, and the song "Going Through the Motion" belongs to Joss Wedon. I did make a few modifications to the song however.
Title: The Matrix: Now Powered by Kazaa!
Rating: PG-13 (for good reason)
Summary: There's a glitch in the Matrix and suddenly the whole world has broken into song. Can "The One" help the crew of the Nebuchadneezer defeat the Agents of Kazaa? Not likely.
Author: Only "One" Punk up the Volume
A/N: I've had this idea in my head for a loooooong time and that now is a good time to put it out there. Please don't blame me if this gets really weird. I just bought about 100 pixie sticks and I'm halfway through them and they're coming in handy [twitch:::twitch]. Remember to review. Also, before I forget, when a character is singing, their words are bold and in bracket.
Scene One [In Which Trinity Finds Out the Disturbing Truth]
(Click click click)
Cypher: You like watching him, don't you?
Trinity: Huh?...no. Of course not. What would give you that idea?
Cypher: The drool in the corner of your mouth.
Trinity: Oh. (wipes mouth) Right.
Cypher: (muttering) You never drooled for me...
Trinity: That is because you are sweaty, bald, and have a hair doll of me.
Cypher: You weren't supposed to know about that! And you shouldn't have relieved me.
Trinity: I wanted to take a shift.
Cypher: You love Neo!
Trinity: I do not!
Cypher: You want to love him! You want kiss him! You want to date him! You want to fu-
Trinity: Hey shut up, it's pajamarama time.
Cypher: For the love of Christ...
Trinity: I still say he looks adorable in those footy pajama's...
(whispering echo's on the other end of the line)
Trinity: Is this line clean?
Cypher: As clean as it's gonna get.
Trinity: What does that mean?
Cypher: (whistling) Nothing. Nothing. Don't worry about it.
Trinity: (muttering) Everyone is out to get me. They're all out to get me. One day, they'll be sorry...
(The whispering continues and then...)
Agent Smith: Shut up, guys. She can here us!
Trinity: I thought you said this line was clean, Cypher.
Cypher: Um...
Agent Smith: Of coooooourse it is.
Trinity: Then who is this?
Agent Smith: ...Pete.
Agent Brown: (background) Hey, Smith, what do you want on your mini pizza?
Trinity: Is this an agent?
Agent Smith: ...no.
Trinity: If this were an agent, how many of you would there be?
Agent Brown: Very few. Go back to your conversation.
Agent Johnson: Yes, very few.
Trinity: Well, just so you know, I have a flamethrower, and if any agents were to attack me, I would have absolutely no qualms about roasting them and making s'mores.
Agent Smith: A flamethrower! Shit, guys!
Agent Johnson: Yes, shit.
Trinity: Listen, Cypher I've got to go. I have a feeling the line has been traced.
Cypher: Mwahaha!
Trinity: What was that?
Cypher: Nothing...it was a...hiccup.
Trinity: They're all out to get me. (hangs up)
(All of a sudden, four cops burst through the door in a graceful manner. They turn a few pierouettes and land with their guns pointed straight at Trinity.)
Officer #1: We are the Cops of Kazaa! We must make you obey the laws of rythem.
Trinity: (confused) Huh?
Officer #4: We protect the music and our right to download!
Trinity: Huh?
Officer #3: You know...Kazaa?
Trinity: Huh?
Officer #2: Just...put your hands above your head.
Trinity: Oh. Ok.
(Outside, the police captain is singing into a walky-talky when a sleek black car arrives and three elegantly dressed men step out wearing sunglasses. These three are bad, bad men.)
Agent Smith: Captain, my orders were for your protection.
Captain: (snickering) I sent up two units captain! I think my men can handle one little-
(From upstairs)
Trinity: Whomp!
Captain: That can't be good.
(Upstairs in the apartment, about thirty seconds before we heard the dramatic 'whomp')
Trinity: (with her hands above her head) This had better not take long. I'm missing Neo take a shower!
Officer #3: Oooh, she's in looooove!
Trinity: I am not...I'm just...
(The opening beats of "Going Through the Motions" starts to play and Trinity searches around for the mysterious music. Suddenly, she feels compelled to sing!)
Trinity: It's just...[Every single night, the same arrangement. I go out and fight the fight]
(Seeing the cops are distracted by her singing, Trinity runs along to wall and whomps the first cop on the head)
Trinity: [I've been making shows of trading blows...Just hoping no one knows...That I've been...Going through the motions, walking through the part. Nothing seems to penetrate my... heart]
(The other officers applaud as Trinity lands a stunning cartwheel, grabs the second officer's gun and shoot him with it)
Trinity: [I was always brave and kinda righteous...Now I find I'm wavering. Crawl out of your grave, you find this fight just doesn't mean a thing.]
Officer #4: [She ain't got that swing!]
(Trinity kicks him in the face with the heel of her boot)
Trinity: [Thanks for noticing.]
Officer #1 (from his spot on the ground): [She does pretty well]
Officer #4: [With fiends from the Matrix]
Officer #1: [And though we can tell she's looking for him]
Officer #4: [She still kicks]
Together: [Assssssss!]
(Trinity sighs and looks at her watch)
Together: [She's going through the motions]
Agent Brown: (bursting in) [Going through the...] Am I too early?
Trinity: Yes.
Agent Brown: (blushing) Oops. Sorry.
Officer #1: [She's not half the girl-]
(Cut off by a Trinity karate chop to the throat)
Officer #4: [She's-]
(Trinity shoots him and he falls to the ground)
Trinity: [I don't want to be going through the motions, losing all my drive. I can't even see, if this is really me. I just want to be alive!]
(Trinity ends the musical number with a few turns, leaps, and a dramatic somersault. As the last beat fades away, Trinity seems to be pulled out from a fog and shakes her head)
Trinity: What hell was that?
(Still a bit stunned, she flips out her cell phone and dials a number)
Voice: Dave's Doughnut Hut.
Trinity: Sorry. Wrong number.
(Tries the number again)
Voice: Congratulations. You are now a one woman Broadway show.
Trinity: Mouse...
Mouse: I loved your somersault. If only you could salsa.
Trinity: Mouse, put Morpheus on the phone or-
Mouse: Or what? You'll bite me? Oh, please do! Bite me, bite me, it's fun!
Trinity: Mouse...
Mouse: I'm not just for breakfast anymore!
Trinity: Mouse, if you do not put Morpheus on this goddamn line in about five seconds, I will ground your insides into a pulp and feed them to you through your large intestines!
Mouse: (pause)...Yipes.
Morpheus: Trinity?
Trinity: I must ask...what the hell just happened?
Morpheus: ...I don't know!
Crew: (collective gasp) Gasp!
Tank: He...doesn't know?
Dozer: Doesn't have a theory?
Apoc: Hey! I have a line!
Switch: Me too!
Mouse: Morpheus doesn't know something?
(Long Pause)
Crew: We're all gonna die!
Morpheus: I'll work something out! (to Trinity) Listen carefully. There are agents coming.
Trinity: Oh, really? Tap dancing agents perhaps? Do they know softshoe?
Morpheus: Is this really the time for sarcasm?
Trinity: Better a smartass than a dumbass!
Morpheus: Focus, Trinity, goddammit!
Trinity: Watch your goddamn language.
Morpheus: Focus. There's a phonebooth on a random corner in the middle of New York. You can make it.
Trinity: Any other specifics?
Morpheus: I like being cryptic.
Trinity: Well, if you find my mangled and rotting corpse, that means I didn't make it.
Morpheus: Alright. Sounds like a good plan.
(Morpheus hangs up and Trinity sighs)
Trinity: I hate my life.
(As Trinity leaps out of the window, Agent Brown bursts into the hallway with a battalion of tapdancing police officers. Somehow, Trinity does not seem surprised. She jumps through a broken window onto a roof with a stunning leap. Agent Brown and the others stop to applaud, but not for long. They leap over three tall buildings until it is only Agent Brown and Trinity participating in the race. Trinity smashes through a window and rolls down a long flight of stairs and stares up at the broken window.)
Trinity: Ow! Ow! Charlie horse! Charlie horse!
(Trinity jumps up and stumbles out the building and sees a phonebooth at the end of the alley)
Trinity: That seems random enough.
Agent Smith: (from the inside of an approaching truck, sticking his head out the window with a maniacal grin) I will crush your bones to make my bread!
Trinity: (running, running, running) You're not going the speedlimit.
Agent Smith: I am evil. The speedlimit does not apply to me.
Trinity: I am faster than a speeding bullet!
Agent Smith: I am as fast as a speeding truck! I will win because evil is awesome and good is dumb!
Trinity: So is your tie.
Agent Smith: Hey! (looks down at tie and careens into the wall)
Trinity: Success!
Agent Smith: Damn!
(Trinity runs into the phonebooth, picks up the ringing phone and evaporates)
Agent Smith: Goddammit, I wanted to make that bread!
(Agent Brown and Agent Johnson appear and pull Agent Smith from the wreckage)
Agent Brown: You failed.
Agent Johnson: Yes, failed.
Agent Smith: Who cares, we've got the informant, we've got their target.
Agent Brown: We've got a search running.
Agent Johnson: Yes, search.
Agent Smith: Ok. Hey, does this tie match my suit.
Agent Brown: It is very nice.
Agent Johnson: Yes, very nice.
Agent Smith: You guys are my best friends.
(The agents hug and there is a collective awwwww)
Agent Smith: Let's go get some mini pizzas.
Agent Johnson: Yes, mini pizzas.