Shou. Shou, I'm so sorry. But it wasn't completely my fault! You didn't shoot, and the rules were that- Listen to me. I can't even tell myself the truth, how could I have possibly told you? But surely… if I didn't know better, I'd say you wanted to die. How will I ever know? How will I find out for certain until I meet you in Hell? No, I couldn't tell you. I prayed so much that you'd just notice one day, save me the trouble, but that was the thing with you, wasn't it, Shou? You had a rare talent for self-deception. If it wasn't explicitly spelled out right in front of you, and then read out in a loud voice and addressed directly to you, you just wouldn't notice.
And then there was Kei. He was always there. I could never get close to you, not so much because Kei wouldn't let me, but because you wouldn't let me. Hah, maybe you did know after all. Selective blindness perhaps? You sly dog.
The Yi-Che business didn't help much. Scratch that, it made everything a million times worse for me. I apologise if that's selfish of me. I remember when we first met. And when you and Yi-Che first met. I could tell right then what you wanted. And if I recall rightly, I told you I'd shoot you if you touched her! Well, I'm telling you now I didn't say it because I didn't want you to have her. I said it because I wanted to have you. But she liked Kei, and Kei liked you (don't tell me you didn't know that!), and you liked Yi-Che. A neat little love triangle, with no room for me. That was my metaphorical 'window', if you like. Only the glass wasn't mirrored for me. It was more soundproof. That's life for you.
You were my best friend, you know. Later on there was Chan, but that was purely racial, loyalty rather than friendship. You remember Chan, don't you? Your damn brother pulled a gun on him. He was the guy who- Let's not belabour the point. I suppose you want to know why I joined Chan's gang, am I right? I told you the truth, in the sense that everything I said was true. I wanted to stick by my own people. But there were other reasons… there always are other reasons. Nothing is ever done for one reason alone. That's what makes life so fun, don't you think?
Shou, I tried so hard to understand you! I knew I could never be a lover or anything to you, but it felt like you wouldn't even let me be your friend. You never let me in, no matter how often I opened my door to you. And I screamed inside for you to understand me, but you didn't. I laid all my cards out in plain view, but you just didn't see them. Maybe you weren't interested. Maybe you just assumed everyone was like you. You just surrounded yourself with Kei and Yi-Che; one of whom was very interested in you yet never dared too close, and the other who distanced herself for a different reason. She is my sister, remember. I can read her like an open book. Did you actually want to be alone?
Ah, but not then. I was shocked myself when you turned the gun on the ceiling. You wanted it to be just you and me. I saw the look on Kei's face as the light streamed down and he dove for cover. That was probably the first time you'd deliberately shut him out, or at least the most aggressive. I must admit it thrilled me, knowing that you were mine, and mine alone, for this short time!
And my soul flutters on butterfly wings when I remember that brief, beautiful fight, so equally matched. When I think of how much I enjoyed the danger, I forget. I forget that you didn't shoot, and I did, and my aim was spot-on. Forgive me. I know I never can.
But I'll pay for it all soon.
Ne, Shou... wait up in Hell for me, won't you?