Here I am again.
Kneeling on the floor in front of a man, one that I hated from the very first moment I heard of him.
Even after I joined him I still hated him.
Oh people thought I was the best there was on their side of the war.
But as a person, as a person everyone hated me.
The ones too young for me to have met hate me.
The ones I work with hate me.
The ones who are above me hate me.
They all hate me.
And I hate me too.
I try every night to drown myself in alcohol, to stem the river of images that flow through my mind.
I have lost count of the amount of times I have hurt myself with more then words and thoughts.
But I have never died.
I have yet to complete that something, the one thing, that I truly want to.
Why havent I completed it?
I know why.
Im a coward.
To cowardly to end my life.
To cowardly to admit defeat.
I don't deserve to live.
But I don't deserve the calm peacefulness of death either.
I once asked the man I now kneel before to send me to be kissed.
But he turned his sorrowful eyes onto me and asked why I would wish such a fate upon myself, didn't I like the life he had saved for me?
I could never answer him truthfully, I could never say, no I hate it, I just want it all to end.
Why?
Because I'm a coward.
Yes I have fought in this war for over two decades, fought for both sides, killed for both sides. Survived more and seen more then any other mortal on the planet.
Yet I cant end my own life.
And I hate myself for being so pathetic.
I despise it in others and even more in myself, yet I am.
I am sick pathetic cowardly old man, with no friends, no love, and no hope.
Again he is talking, I strain my alcohol numbed brain to listen to his voice, so soft and caring and gentle. It's so fake.
"Severus?" it calls to me, I look up.
"Yes Albus?" I ask slowly. I give up. This will be my last night here.
"The meeting is over." I nod and stand up, stumbling from the office. I walk out of the castle and over the grounds, towards the cliff edge, this grand castle sits on.
The sky is clear, the stars twinkle.
What a fine night to die.
Breathing deeply I take a few steps back from the edge and then run jumping into the air as the ground falls away from me.
And for the first time in 37 years I smile.