Title: 'Smooth sailing...or is it?' [Chapter 7]
Sequel to 'Boy was I wrong'
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Chapter 7
I can't think of anything at all. Except that I was utterly happy and so in love. I can hardly believe that was just two days ago. How things change in just a blink of an eye.
"I really don't CJ. I did think about it..Look, you should get ready and I should go to the apartment before Josh returns.."
"Wait.what day did you confirm your plans with Paulette?" She's not letting this go anytime soon, is she?
I let out a loud sigh and think about it.
"I just talked to Paulette on Friday.... I couldn't have possible told anyone in that short of a .." I recall my conversation with Paulette. Oh.No, that's not possible.Is it?
"What is it?" I might as well tell her.
"Amy was there.Paulette called me when Amy and I were in Josh's office. She came over to talk to Josh but he was on Capitol Beat..." I drift of thinking of the possibility.
"That's it Donna!! I knew there was something not quite right. You told me last night about your conversation with Amy but you didn't mention about the time. There's no way in hell she didn't know he was on Capitol Beat. There's no way in hell she didn't know who you were. For Pete's sake, your relationship was plastered all over the newspapers. Top newspapers!! Everyone in Washington would know about you two, let alone people in politics!"
I think about what CJ says. It may make perfect sense but how could it be? He's just like every other guy. It's too much of a coincidence in my life. Why else would I experience this yet once again?
"Donna? Donna? I lost you for a bit there." CJ shakes my shoulder and I look up at her.
"I don't know CJ. You're How could he be telling me the truth?"
"Donna, are you out of your mind??!!" She has every right to think that but she doesn't know.
"CJ, you should get ready.you're really running late."
"Donna, in this function tonight, I'm going to be receiving an honor, something to do with high ranking professional women.I'll give it all up and not show up just for you to go and see Josh tonight. To talk to him. To give him the benefit of the doubt which he has earned a hundred percent. You know, I would never ever say this and betray the sisterhood but he's on the right on this, and you're not. I don't know what's making you think like this. But I know it's something and I want you to talk to him about it." She can't guilt me like this!
"I'm not going to talk to Josh tonight, CJ. I'm really not ready."
"You have to Donna. I'm not going to let you throw your whole life and happiness this way. I'm taking you to see Josh right now!"
"No, you have to go to your thing." There's no way I'm going to let CJ forgo her honor for me.
"Like I said, I'll not show up if you don't go and see Josh." Why is she making this so hard on me?
"Fine.look I'll go see Josh by myself but you have to go to the function."
"Okay, but if you don't talk to him, I will never forgive you Donna. And he could still be in the office so you better check there as well. Don't give me the excuse that he wasn't in his apartment or I'll drag your ass down there myself no matter what time I return tonight!" She's not kidding around, is she?
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I just returned from my last meeting of the day to find Donna gone. She didn't leave me a note or anything but her bag is gone. So I'm sitting here at my office, wondering why my life has turned into hell in the last forty- eight hours.
"Earth to Josh."
"Sam." I sit up straight on my chair as I hear Sam call me. He must have been standing there for sometime.
"Why are you still here sitting in the dark? Wasn't your last meeting over some time ago? Where's Donna?" What am I going to tell Sam?
"Oh, she's gone home. I'm leaving as well actually." I start getting up from my chair even though the last thing I want is to go back to my empty apartment.
"Josh, what's the matter? Did something happen between you and Donna?" Can he not let anything pass?
"No. I'm going home now Sam. You should too." I don't look at him and pretend to be packing up.
"Josh, don't kid with me. You and Donna have been completely droopy and not at all yourselves today. She didn't come in yesterday when you were working, which is so unlike her. I even realized Donna not wearing her engagement ring. I brushed it off, thinking she forgot it or needed to do something with it. Now I'm not too sure. What's going on Josh?" Why does Sam have to observe every miniscule detail? Doesn't he have enough to worry about on a daily basis?
"Sam.it's personal." I say slowly looking down.
"Oh my god. Something did happen between you too? Josh, what did you do? You've got to fix it. You're getting married in less than two weeks!!"
"I know!!!" I shout back at him even though I didn't intend to.
"Talk to me Josh. Maybe I can help." Sam takes a seat and looks at me intently.
Should I tell him? I know he's not going to let it go. How much harm can it do anyway? He might have some inputs to go about it. I explain to Sam about Amy and everything that happened since I had that first meeting with her.
"Josh, this is soo...I don't know what to say.I'm so sorry this happened to you..but, why wouldn't Donna believe you? I know what she saw but still..she's not giving you the slightest chance or even letting you explain. This doesn't sound like Donna at all. I know you know her better than I do but don't you think this is so unlike her?" See, even Sam realizes it and believes me. I mean if CJ can believe me, why can't Donna?
"I know Sam. Which is why this is all so frustrating.Maybe she's having wedding jitters. It happens right?"
"I guess so..oh no.oh no!" Please don't tell me something else has gone wrong, Sam.
"What is it Sam?" I ask him
"Don't kill me...I mentioned to Donna you had a crush on Amy Gardner in college." Oh, that explains a little.
"She did ask me that few days ago and I wondered why. Why did you tell her?? When did you tell her?"
"She mentioned you had a meeting with her and I just slipped it..I didn't think it really mattered, it was years ago..oh shoot, I kept going on about how attractive Amy is.I'm such an IDIOT!" Sam bangs his forehead with his palm.
This is hardly his fault. "It's really not your fault Sam. This probably would've happened anyway.."
"But she would probably not believe you'd be attracted to Amy if I hadn't mentioned the crush.."
"That was ages ago.I even forgot I had a crush on her. I don't even recall telling you about it. It's all ancient history. Donna should realize that."
Is it possible that this is the reason Donna's been this way? But it's so trivial.
"Go home Sam. You look beat." I say.
"Yeah.If there's anything I could do, maybe talk to Donna for you?"
"No, thanks but that might make it worse. I can't have someone else talk to her on my behalf."
"You can ask me for anything, anything at all. Even if you want to hire a hit on Amy Gardner." I chuckle at him. This is the first time I smiled since Saturday.
"I promise Sam."
"Oh, and you go home. Get some sleep. You look like crap." That's my best friend everybody.
"I will. Goodnight Sam."
Despite what I promised Sam, I continue sitting in the dark. I think practically everyone has left by now except probably the cleaners and security guards. I really want to go to CJ's apartment and talk to Donna. But I'm so afraid I'll just end up pushing her away completely. I can't take that chance.
"Josh?" I look up from my seat when I hear someone call my name.
I cannot believe my eyes. It's practically the wee hours of the morning and she's here, standing in front of me.
That stalking psychopath from hell is standing at my door despite my threats. "What the hell are you doing here Amy???!! I thought I told you never ever to."
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I finally bring myself to leave CJ's apartment and head to Josh's after CJ leaves for her function. Like CJ guessed, Josh wasn't at his apartment. I've been waiting a while at his doorstep but he hasn't showed up. For all I know, he's frolicking around with Amy. I'm such an idiot to wait here. I should go back..No, CJ would probably drag my ass down here at two in the morning. I guess I could check the office so that it would not be my fault at all. If he's not there, then I'm certain he's with Amy. Even though CJ thinks she's got it all figured out which I guess does make sense but still, I'm not letting myself believe it. I'm not the fool I was back then.
I walk into the west wing and there is practically not a soul around. Which shows how late it actually is. I'm so sure Josh isn't here. What work would he have especially when everyone else has gone home?
Oh, it's possible that I am wrong, I can see Josh's door open. In fact I think I here some voices. Is that a woman's voice? Oh my, I think it's Amy. See I wasn't wrong at all!! That..that bitch and my asshole of a fiancé! Or shall I say ex-fiancé.
Still, I'm curious and so I stand next to the wall of the partially open door to blatantly eavesdrop.
"Wait Josh!! Just give me a minute would you?" Hmmm, she sounds mad.
"No!! Absolutely not." I hear Josh for the first time. That's odd. He's sounds pissed.
"Josh, it isn't what you think. I'm not here to cause you more trouble. I'm just here to tell you that you win." Huh?!
"I win WHAT?!" Wow, he sounds REALLY mad.
"You win, I lose. I tried seducing you with every possible way I can but you just never budged. Never gave into my advances. I just wanted to admit for the first time, a man actually rejected me." Oh my god. Oh my GOD!!
"I don't give a flying FUCK about you .claiming defeat Amy!! Do you know you ruined my life?" I can't believe Josh was telling me the truth all this while. He sounds so hurt and angry. I am an awful, awful person.
"Josh, maybe this is for the best. I mean she didn't believe for one second that you weren't kissing me back that day. She doesn't trust you. Maybe she isn't as perfect as you think she is." She's right. I'm not perfect, I'm scum. I don't deserve Josh.
"Shut the fuck up Amy. Do not ever talk about Donna like that!! You are too low to even mention her name."
My heart's breaking listening to those words come out of his mouth. He almost never swears. He still loves me every bit as he did the day before. How could that be? He shouldn't love me after the way I treated him.
"Isn't that just like you Josh? Always coming to Donna's defends no matter what I say about her. She doesn't know what she has Josh. She doesn't appreciate you. I did you a favor by kissing you. Now you know what she really thinks about you..."
"YOU did ME a FAVOUR??!! You kissed me when I was practically not looking!!! You caught me off-guard Amy! If not, I would have shoved you until you would probably need dentures!"
Oh Josh, you were telling me the whole truth. You didn't lie to me even a bit.
"Amy, leave now! I meant what I said before, I'll make your life a living hell if you step foot near me or Donna again. I'm revoking your White House credential!" Josh is so furious. I'm glad no one is here to hear him yell like this.
"Fine.I'm leaving...I hope Donna knows what she has Josh.." Amy says. I do know what I have.I just don't know if I still have it.
Damn, I need to hide somewhere quick before Amy comes out. I sort of tip- toe and run to the back of my cubicle. I stand behind the glass which I know is hard to see through when it's dark. I hear Amy walking out. Once her foot steps were really faint, I step out of my hiding place.
Gasp! Josh is standing outside his office looking directly at me. He must have sensed that someone was behind here. He was already looking at me even before I looked up.
We stare at each other silently. I can't seem to read him right now. Is he angry? Is he upset? Is he utterly disappointed in me? Likelihood, all of the above.
"I heard that." I start. Woah, I didn't even plan to say anything but it just came out.
"I figured." He says still looking intently into my eyes. I don't think he has even blinked.
"Josh.." I stop. I really have no clue what to say next. My mind is a blank.
"What are you doing here anyway? It's really late." He asks me monotonously.
"I.I came here to talk to you. I went to the apartment first but you weren't there."
"Oh." Is that all? He's not making this any easier on me. Not that I think he should.
"I..I'm sorry Josh." I say for lack of a better way to express myself.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" He asks. I look at him in surprise.
"Um, I wanted to give you a chance... to hear you out...Well, CJ said she'll kick my ass if I didn't." I try humor but Josh doesn't budge.
So, I continue. "CJ and I were talking and I remembered that when I was talking on the phone with Paulette, the dress designer, to make the appointment to pick up my dress, Amy was there with me in your office. That was when you were on Capitol Beat. She heard me making the appointment."
Josh is quiet for a little while. "So, if you hadn't realized that or heard my conversation with Amy just now, you would have never believed me?" Okay, I didn't expect him to say that.
"Josh." I try to think of a way to explain myself.
"Don't..Do you have any clue how I felt when you took off your ring? I have never felt such pain, such torture...No, I don't want to talk about it here." He puts up one hand to stop me from uttering anything.
"Okay, do you want to go someplace else?" I ask carefully as I start fidgeting with my fingers.
"Meet me at my place." Josh says quietly as he goes into his office and grabs his backpack.
He doesn't turn towards me as he leaves the bullpen. It takes me a few minutes to get myself together and drive to Josh's place.
I'm now standing outside his apartment door and I can't bring myself to open it with my key. I don't know if I have the right anymore. So, I knock instead.
Josh opens the door immediately causing me to jump a wee bit. He has taken out his tie and loosened his shirt.
"Don't you have your key?" He asks.
"Yeah.but.." I drift off.
The look on his face shows that he knows why I didn't use it. I don't think I need to explain myself. He moves away from the door allowing me to walk in.
"So.." I start as we stand around the living room.
"So.." He responds.
"Josh."
"Donna". We start together.
"You go first." I say. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.
"Donna, I...Damn it, how could you ever think I could cheat on you? How could you not trust me on such a massive scale?!" I guess he's diving straight into it.
I take a seat on the couch. I think I really need to although I probably don't deserve to sit.
"Josh.I don't know. I'm so, so sorry I put you through this."
"Donna, sorry is not good enough. You've got to tell me what I did to make you distrust me like this. After everything, don't you have any idea how much I love you?!" He's fuming and is still not sitting down.
I can't look at him anymore. He deserves to know why I was so quick on jumping to conclusion. I should tell him. But I don't know if it would make things worse. I'm so afraid he would feel betrayed as I never told him about it before. Either way, I don't know if Josh would ever see me the same way again.
"LOOK at me Donna!" I jerk up at the gruffness of his voice.
He looks away and closes his eyes. He breathes heavily. I think he's afraid he might just blow up. That he might have another PTSD episode. I can't let that happen. I have to tell him now.
"Josh, it's not that I don't trust you.I do...It's that I didn't want to trust you. This doesn't have anything with you." I begin.
TBC.............
Sequel to 'Boy was I wrong'
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Chapter 7
I can't think of anything at all. Except that I was utterly happy and so in love. I can hardly believe that was just two days ago. How things change in just a blink of an eye.
"I really don't CJ. I did think about it..Look, you should get ready and I should go to the apartment before Josh returns.."
"Wait.what day did you confirm your plans with Paulette?" She's not letting this go anytime soon, is she?
I let out a loud sigh and think about it.
"I just talked to Paulette on Friday.... I couldn't have possible told anyone in that short of a .." I recall my conversation with Paulette. Oh.No, that's not possible.Is it?
"What is it?" I might as well tell her.
"Amy was there.Paulette called me when Amy and I were in Josh's office. She came over to talk to Josh but he was on Capitol Beat..." I drift of thinking of the possibility.
"That's it Donna!! I knew there was something not quite right. You told me last night about your conversation with Amy but you didn't mention about the time. There's no way in hell she didn't know he was on Capitol Beat. There's no way in hell she didn't know who you were. For Pete's sake, your relationship was plastered all over the newspapers. Top newspapers!! Everyone in Washington would know about you two, let alone people in politics!"
I think about what CJ says. It may make perfect sense but how could it be? He's just like every other guy. It's too much of a coincidence in my life. Why else would I experience this yet once again?
"Donna? Donna? I lost you for a bit there." CJ shakes my shoulder and I look up at her.
"I don't know CJ. You're How could he be telling me the truth?"
"Donna, are you out of your mind??!!" She has every right to think that but she doesn't know.
"CJ, you should get ready.you're really running late."
"Donna, in this function tonight, I'm going to be receiving an honor, something to do with high ranking professional women.I'll give it all up and not show up just for you to go and see Josh tonight. To talk to him. To give him the benefit of the doubt which he has earned a hundred percent. You know, I would never ever say this and betray the sisterhood but he's on the right on this, and you're not. I don't know what's making you think like this. But I know it's something and I want you to talk to him about it." She can't guilt me like this!
"I'm not going to talk to Josh tonight, CJ. I'm really not ready."
"You have to Donna. I'm not going to let you throw your whole life and happiness this way. I'm taking you to see Josh right now!"
"No, you have to go to your thing." There's no way I'm going to let CJ forgo her honor for me.
"Like I said, I'll not show up if you don't go and see Josh." Why is she making this so hard on me?
"Fine.look I'll go see Josh by myself but you have to go to the function."
"Okay, but if you don't talk to him, I will never forgive you Donna. And he could still be in the office so you better check there as well. Don't give me the excuse that he wasn't in his apartment or I'll drag your ass down there myself no matter what time I return tonight!" She's not kidding around, is she?
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I just returned from my last meeting of the day to find Donna gone. She didn't leave me a note or anything but her bag is gone. So I'm sitting here at my office, wondering why my life has turned into hell in the last forty- eight hours.
"Earth to Josh."
"Sam." I sit up straight on my chair as I hear Sam call me. He must have been standing there for sometime.
"Why are you still here sitting in the dark? Wasn't your last meeting over some time ago? Where's Donna?" What am I going to tell Sam?
"Oh, she's gone home. I'm leaving as well actually." I start getting up from my chair even though the last thing I want is to go back to my empty apartment.
"Josh, what's the matter? Did something happen between you and Donna?" Can he not let anything pass?
"No. I'm going home now Sam. You should too." I don't look at him and pretend to be packing up.
"Josh, don't kid with me. You and Donna have been completely droopy and not at all yourselves today. She didn't come in yesterday when you were working, which is so unlike her. I even realized Donna not wearing her engagement ring. I brushed it off, thinking she forgot it or needed to do something with it. Now I'm not too sure. What's going on Josh?" Why does Sam have to observe every miniscule detail? Doesn't he have enough to worry about on a daily basis?
"Sam.it's personal." I say slowly looking down.
"Oh my god. Something did happen between you too? Josh, what did you do? You've got to fix it. You're getting married in less than two weeks!!"
"I know!!!" I shout back at him even though I didn't intend to.
"Talk to me Josh. Maybe I can help." Sam takes a seat and looks at me intently.
Should I tell him? I know he's not going to let it go. How much harm can it do anyway? He might have some inputs to go about it. I explain to Sam about Amy and everything that happened since I had that first meeting with her.
"Josh, this is soo...I don't know what to say.I'm so sorry this happened to you..but, why wouldn't Donna believe you? I know what she saw but still..she's not giving you the slightest chance or even letting you explain. This doesn't sound like Donna at all. I know you know her better than I do but don't you think this is so unlike her?" See, even Sam realizes it and believes me. I mean if CJ can believe me, why can't Donna?
"I know Sam. Which is why this is all so frustrating.Maybe she's having wedding jitters. It happens right?"
"I guess so..oh no.oh no!" Please don't tell me something else has gone wrong, Sam.
"What is it Sam?" I ask him
"Don't kill me...I mentioned to Donna you had a crush on Amy Gardner in college." Oh, that explains a little.
"She did ask me that few days ago and I wondered why. Why did you tell her?? When did you tell her?"
"She mentioned you had a meeting with her and I just slipped it..I didn't think it really mattered, it was years ago..oh shoot, I kept going on about how attractive Amy is.I'm such an IDIOT!" Sam bangs his forehead with his palm.
This is hardly his fault. "It's really not your fault Sam. This probably would've happened anyway.."
"But she would probably not believe you'd be attracted to Amy if I hadn't mentioned the crush.."
"That was ages ago.I even forgot I had a crush on her. I don't even recall telling you about it. It's all ancient history. Donna should realize that."
Is it possible that this is the reason Donna's been this way? But it's so trivial.
"Go home Sam. You look beat." I say.
"Yeah.If there's anything I could do, maybe talk to Donna for you?"
"No, thanks but that might make it worse. I can't have someone else talk to her on my behalf."
"You can ask me for anything, anything at all. Even if you want to hire a hit on Amy Gardner." I chuckle at him. This is the first time I smiled since Saturday.
"I promise Sam."
"Oh, and you go home. Get some sleep. You look like crap." That's my best friend everybody.
"I will. Goodnight Sam."
Despite what I promised Sam, I continue sitting in the dark. I think practically everyone has left by now except probably the cleaners and security guards. I really want to go to CJ's apartment and talk to Donna. But I'm so afraid I'll just end up pushing her away completely. I can't take that chance.
"Josh?" I look up from my seat when I hear someone call my name.
I cannot believe my eyes. It's practically the wee hours of the morning and she's here, standing in front of me.
That stalking psychopath from hell is standing at my door despite my threats. "What the hell are you doing here Amy???!! I thought I told you never ever to."
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I finally bring myself to leave CJ's apartment and head to Josh's after CJ leaves for her function. Like CJ guessed, Josh wasn't at his apartment. I've been waiting a while at his doorstep but he hasn't showed up. For all I know, he's frolicking around with Amy. I'm such an idiot to wait here. I should go back..No, CJ would probably drag my ass down here at two in the morning. I guess I could check the office so that it would not be my fault at all. If he's not there, then I'm certain he's with Amy. Even though CJ thinks she's got it all figured out which I guess does make sense but still, I'm not letting myself believe it. I'm not the fool I was back then.
I walk into the west wing and there is practically not a soul around. Which shows how late it actually is. I'm so sure Josh isn't here. What work would he have especially when everyone else has gone home?
Oh, it's possible that I am wrong, I can see Josh's door open. In fact I think I here some voices. Is that a woman's voice? Oh my, I think it's Amy. See I wasn't wrong at all!! That..that bitch and my asshole of a fiancé! Or shall I say ex-fiancé.
Still, I'm curious and so I stand next to the wall of the partially open door to blatantly eavesdrop.
"Wait Josh!! Just give me a minute would you?" Hmmm, she sounds mad.
"No!! Absolutely not." I hear Josh for the first time. That's odd. He's sounds pissed.
"Josh, it isn't what you think. I'm not here to cause you more trouble. I'm just here to tell you that you win." Huh?!
"I win WHAT?!" Wow, he sounds REALLY mad.
"You win, I lose. I tried seducing you with every possible way I can but you just never budged. Never gave into my advances. I just wanted to admit for the first time, a man actually rejected me." Oh my god. Oh my GOD!!
"I don't give a flying FUCK about you .claiming defeat Amy!! Do you know you ruined my life?" I can't believe Josh was telling me the truth all this while. He sounds so hurt and angry. I am an awful, awful person.
"Josh, maybe this is for the best. I mean she didn't believe for one second that you weren't kissing me back that day. She doesn't trust you. Maybe she isn't as perfect as you think she is." She's right. I'm not perfect, I'm scum. I don't deserve Josh.
"Shut the fuck up Amy. Do not ever talk about Donna like that!! You are too low to even mention her name."
My heart's breaking listening to those words come out of his mouth. He almost never swears. He still loves me every bit as he did the day before. How could that be? He shouldn't love me after the way I treated him.
"Isn't that just like you Josh? Always coming to Donna's defends no matter what I say about her. She doesn't know what she has Josh. She doesn't appreciate you. I did you a favor by kissing you. Now you know what she really thinks about you..."
"YOU did ME a FAVOUR??!! You kissed me when I was practically not looking!!! You caught me off-guard Amy! If not, I would have shoved you until you would probably need dentures!"
Oh Josh, you were telling me the whole truth. You didn't lie to me even a bit.
"Amy, leave now! I meant what I said before, I'll make your life a living hell if you step foot near me or Donna again. I'm revoking your White House credential!" Josh is so furious. I'm glad no one is here to hear him yell like this.
"Fine.I'm leaving...I hope Donna knows what she has Josh.." Amy says. I do know what I have.I just don't know if I still have it.
Damn, I need to hide somewhere quick before Amy comes out. I sort of tip- toe and run to the back of my cubicle. I stand behind the glass which I know is hard to see through when it's dark. I hear Amy walking out. Once her foot steps were really faint, I step out of my hiding place.
Gasp! Josh is standing outside his office looking directly at me. He must have sensed that someone was behind here. He was already looking at me even before I looked up.
We stare at each other silently. I can't seem to read him right now. Is he angry? Is he upset? Is he utterly disappointed in me? Likelihood, all of the above.
"I heard that." I start. Woah, I didn't even plan to say anything but it just came out.
"I figured." He says still looking intently into my eyes. I don't think he has even blinked.
"Josh.." I stop. I really have no clue what to say next. My mind is a blank.
"What are you doing here anyway? It's really late." He asks me monotonously.
"I.I came here to talk to you. I went to the apartment first but you weren't there."
"Oh." Is that all? He's not making this any easier on me. Not that I think he should.
"I..I'm sorry Josh." I say for lack of a better way to express myself.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" He asks. I look at him in surprise.
"Um, I wanted to give you a chance... to hear you out...Well, CJ said she'll kick my ass if I didn't." I try humor but Josh doesn't budge.
So, I continue. "CJ and I were talking and I remembered that when I was talking on the phone with Paulette, the dress designer, to make the appointment to pick up my dress, Amy was there with me in your office. That was when you were on Capitol Beat. She heard me making the appointment."
Josh is quiet for a little while. "So, if you hadn't realized that or heard my conversation with Amy just now, you would have never believed me?" Okay, I didn't expect him to say that.
"Josh." I try to think of a way to explain myself.
"Don't..Do you have any clue how I felt when you took off your ring? I have never felt such pain, such torture...No, I don't want to talk about it here." He puts up one hand to stop me from uttering anything.
"Okay, do you want to go someplace else?" I ask carefully as I start fidgeting with my fingers.
"Meet me at my place." Josh says quietly as he goes into his office and grabs his backpack.
He doesn't turn towards me as he leaves the bullpen. It takes me a few minutes to get myself together and drive to Josh's place.
I'm now standing outside his apartment door and I can't bring myself to open it with my key. I don't know if I have the right anymore. So, I knock instead.
Josh opens the door immediately causing me to jump a wee bit. He has taken out his tie and loosened his shirt.
"Don't you have your key?" He asks.
"Yeah.but.." I drift off.
The look on his face shows that he knows why I didn't use it. I don't think I need to explain myself. He moves away from the door allowing me to walk in.
"So.." I start as we stand around the living room.
"So.." He responds.
"Josh."
"Donna". We start together.
"You go first." I say. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.
"Donna, I...Damn it, how could you ever think I could cheat on you? How could you not trust me on such a massive scale?!" I guess he's diving straight into it.
I take a seat on the couch. I think I really need to although I probably don't deserve to sit.
"Josh.I don't know. I'm so, so sorry I put you through this."
"Donna, sorry is not good enough. You've got to tell me what I did to make you distrust me like this. After everything, don't you have any idea how much I love you?!" He's fuming and is still not sitting down.
I can't look at him anymore. He deserves to know why I was so quick on jumping to conclusion. I should tell him. But I don't know if it would make things worse. I'm so afraid he would feel betrayed as I never told him about it before. Either way, I don't know if Josh would ever see me the same way again.
"LOOK at me Donna!" I jerk up at the gruffness of his voice.
He looks away and closes his eyes. He breathes heavily. I think he's afraid he might just blow up. That he might have another PTSD episode. I can't let that happen. I have to tell him now.
"Josh, it's not that I don't trust you.I do...It's that I didn't want to trust you. This doesn't have anything with you." I begin.
TBC.............