Day 145
Once again he is considering killing himself.
Or at least he wishes he was dead.
He is still healing, though now he has full movement in his arms and some in his legs, he cannot move without pain. So he doesn't move much at all, really.
This, however, is not the real problem.
Boredom is the problem.
He has nothing to do, no one to talk to. The latter does not bother him overly, he is used to being alone, and he does have Vash. Not that he will willingly start much of a conversation with that hair brained idiot, the cause of all his torment and suffering.
But he is bored none the less.
Vash has lent him books to read, but these are bad enough in themselves. Most of them come from a publisher known as Mills and Boon. Knives has privately vowed that, as soon as he recovers, he will destroy them and all the authors that have published under them.
He throws the latest book from said publishers across the room in a fit of disgust, smiling grimly as it slams against the opposite wall and slides down, landing with its pages open, and hopefully breaking the spine.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
He needs to get out of here, out of this bed, this room, away from everything, including his brother.
Especially his brother.
Whilst his body grows stronger, he feels his mind, his will, becoming weaker. The hard rocks and platforms of his thoughts and opinions are quickly becoming quicksand of unsurely. He can feel himself falling, becoming sucked into confusion, he's asking questions he's not asked himself since his earliest days upon the SEEDS ship, and though he cannot admit it even to himself, he is afraid that he'll come to some very different conclusions.
This he cannot tolerate. Cannot face.
He needs to escape, the walls of this room are closing in on him, the covers on his bed press upon his body, his own pillow is suffocating him.
He must escape and now is as good a time as any.
He has the movement, he might even be able to get out of town without re-opening any of his injuries, if he's careful, it is only the pain barrier that blocks him and to Knives that is a mighty wall indeed.
He spends a few moments readying himself to the momentous undertaking, taking in deep, cleansing breaths, before slowly sliding his legs over the edge of the bed.
He hisses in agony at the unbearable aching in his limbs. But he will persevere. Slowly, methodically, fighting back the waves of pain, he moves into a sitting position and places his feet upon the floor.
The next step is momentous, requiring further deep breaths, further preparations. He contemplates finding something to put between his teeth, something to bite down upon.
No; he won't be that weak. His brother has coped with worse and he is a complete retard, Million Knives wishes to change the world, he can cope with a little pain.
He stands.
For a moment he nearly topples forward, he catching the scream in his throat, and grabs hold of the wall, changing his momentum so he leans against it instead of falling headfirst onto the floor.
The pain is an entirely new dimension.
Yet, to his shock, he finds he can bare it. Only just, but he can bare it.
This is odd, previously such amounts of agony would have been his undoing, but it seems he is acquiring a tolerance for it.
Knives hasn't often encountered pain. There was the pain when Vash first shot him in the leg, and the Angel Arm incident, of course. Then there had been numerous other, tiny incidents. A scratched knee there, a small bruise here, but not much. Oh, there had been Steve on the SEEDS ship, but his physical ministrations had been few, really. Indeed, when Knives cast his mind back to that distant time and despicable man; no, insect; what had hurt more had not been the physical abuse, but the mental.
It had been Steve's words, his accusations, which had cut Knives to the core.
Until he'd developed an armour for them, of course. He'd learned to switch off, to ignore such pain, to place himself away from the situation. It was only an insects words, after all, it wasn't true, how could it be? The arguments he'd created had protected him from such mental anguish, now only Vash's words could ever hold any mental pain for him.
Perhaps that was another difference between him and his twin, Vash had found a tolerance for physical pain, and Knives for mental.
For a second he wonders who is the better off.
Then he shakes his head, such musings will do no good and are beside the point. He is finally up on two legs, finally can escape this prison and from there find revenge.
Step by painful step he shuffles his way across the room, clinging to the wall for support, making his slow way to the door.
He stops as he reaches one of the shelving units. Vash has left no guns in the room, of course, but he's left some other useful implements, such as a knife for cutting bandages.
A weapon.
Knives grin is almost manic as he picks it up on one shaking hand. His grip upon the wall is weaker now he has one hand busy, but he has a weapon.
Oh, it feels good.
He continues his shuffling journey, his eyes fixed upon the door, the second obstacle.
When he reaches it, he spends a moment gathering his strength once again, before removing his hand from the wall and standing on his own. Nothing is supporting him, nothing is coddling him. He is independent once more.
Another manic grin and he grips the door handle and opens the portal.
It isn't even locked.
He slips through it, stepping over the threshold into a large, airy room. The living area of Vash's small house. He barely has time to register it, however, before everything comes crashing down around his ears.
The front door, finally visible, opens and Vash returns.
He looks up at Knives and his mouth drops open, his jaw fairly touching the floor. At any other time Knives would have thought the sight rather amusing.
Not now, however.
In a brief flash of panic, he forgets himself and dives forward, determined to run past his brother.
He forgets the pain, forgets the limitations of his injuries. The pain redoubles and assaults him with armies beyond measure.
He stumbles and falls, his limbs throbbing and useless.
The world seems to slow as he tumbles down onto the floor, arms flailing, the knife still clutched in one hand. Vash lunges forwards, sliding across the floor, his arms reaching out to catch his tumbling brother.
He succeeds and Knives finds himself cradled in Vash's warm arms, trapped and coddled.
He screams wildly, disappointment, anger, helplessness overtaking him.
He brings forward the knife, swinging it with deadly precision, attempting to slit open his brother's exposed throat.
Vash dodges at the last moment, the knife slicing through the flesh of his shoulder, instead.
He gasps in pain briefly and somehow uses one hand to force the weapon out of Knives' hand, Knives can give little resistance.
Then, ignoring his own weeping wound, Vash picks him up and carries him back into his room, and onto the bed.
Vash rechecks Knives' wounds and notices that a couple have torn themselves open again. Ignoring the screamed protests of his patient, he tends to them, cleaning them with alcohol and bandaging them quickly and neatly. He can only consider it lucky that they've not torn open so far as to need stitches once again.
He pays no heed to his own knife wound, the blood from it is slowly soaking his shirt, turning it the colour of geraniums.
Knives, meanwhile, is less than happy. He screams and flails, forcing his brother to hold him down. His hands claw desperately at Vash's exposed skin, fury twisting his features into a dreadful mask.
'Damn you!' he yells, 'damn you!'
'Stay still, Knives,' grunts Vash, 'you'll just hurt yourself more.'
'How could you!' Knives continues, struggling and buckling regardless, 'don't you understand what you're doing to me? Don't you care what you're putting me through?'
'Not really,' muttered Vash, 'I'm not enjoying this, but you've brought this upon yourself.'
'You can't know,' howls Knives bitterly, 'you can't comprehend how much this hurts, how much I'm suffering!'
Vash pauses from his ministrations, 'on the contrary brother,' he replies, his face set and serious, his eyes infinitely sad and old, 'I know all about pain. I've known ultimate suffering, right? You made sure of that.'
Knives stops screaming at this, he just stares at his brother mutely, his blue eyes wide and shocked, shocked beyond screams and tears.
Vash quickly finishes up and gets to his feet, now he seems to feel the pain of his own wounds and he clutches it, heedless of the sticky blood which soon coats his hand, 'I'm going to tend to this,' he grunts, 'I'll be through the other room if you need me.'
He moves out of the room, staggering himself now, he closes the door behind him, and Knives hears the clicking sound of a key turning in the lock.
For a moment there is nothing but shock, numb, simple, shock.
Then the pain returns in full force, physical and mental.
Tears come to his eyes briefly, but he does not release them, he draws pride and rage together into an impenetrable barrier and keeps them inside, storing them away. He will not cry, he has not cried in over a century save for moments of extreme physical pain. He will show no weakness to anyone, especially not his little brother.
He will not cry. He cannot cry.
Perhaps he has forgotten how to.
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Oooh, a nice, long and dramatic chapter for you all. Aren't you happy? And there's another nice long, dramatic chapter next!
Ah… I've such wonderful reviews from such wonderful reviewers too! All useful, all nice, all long and everything! I love you guys! But on to specific replies:
Angelstryke: Yes, the insurance girls will appear in this, as will some explanation. However, they won't have much of a role because this story is about Knives and Vash's relationship, rather than the usual K/M/V/M spiel. Not that I've anything against it, it's cool, I enjoy reading it, but it's been done over and over again. Also, remember that this is told mainly from Knives's perspective, he will only know what he finds out himself and what Vash tells him. I doubt that Vash is all that keen to introduce him Meryl and Millie for obvious reasons. So yes, they will appear, as will an explanation, but don't expect it to be too long or too detailed.
(Gulp, I hope I haven't put you off this story…)
Aoi: Thanks for the link! There's some really neat art there! This is all coming up pretty fast because for the most part it's already written! I'm just posting chapters when I have enough time/reviews. So keep reviewing if you want another chapter up soon! Ah, good old Vash/Knives bonding, and there's more to come, trust me. I'm also glad the 1.5 centimetre thing worked. It was what inspired some of this story, that all the time Vash has been travelling, all that suffering, if he could have just pulled his trigger finger, activated his angel arm… he could have had Eden, had heaven. But he loves the human race so much, despite all they do to him, he doesn't. I think it's a really nice thought…
As for Rem… maybe… maybe… you'll just have to find out, won't you?
Silverarm: Thanks! That's a real complement. Personally, I don't think I've really done Vash all that well… he's OK but… well… he isn't as goofy as he should be. Though he is with Knives and in a very tense situation so… Yeah. Personally, I find Sailor Lilith Chan writes the best Vash. Her recent story, Letters From the Wasteland is of… acquired taste, but other stuff, such as The Gunslinger Who Was Baptised In Blood, includes some of the best Vash characterisation/treatment I've ever seen. I highly recommend her. Anyway, thank you for the complement again! I hope I manage to keep it throughout the story.
Ron the Future Weasel: Your story was sweet! I was surprised it didn't get more reviews… No, there's no real pattern to the passing of days, though they are leading up to something… as mentioned, the 1.5 centimetre thing was part of what inspired this story, read my reply to Aoi for details, but again I'm happy you liked it! I'm also glad the last part worked… I was worried it was too light-hearted for the rest of this story. But it was a scene I could really picture in my head.
ATO: Thanks, that's made things easier. I don't know… it's a long name but it's very memorable, if you change it then people will have an easier time referencing you and stuff, but it really stands out on screen. I'm glad you liked this chapter, even though is was a more philosophical one than anything. This one was more action orientated, to give people a break from all that musing. Did it work? Please let me know!
I'm looking forward to hearing from you all! Until next time!