I'm sorry....it's hard to update when you're living in a dorm...trust me on this. So, here's a double chapter...if I recall the climax is coming up very, very soon. I told you to be patient...hey, anyone here watch ER? I love ER...I love Dr. Romano. You know, bald, mean, one arm, in love with that British chick who was married to Brain Tumor Boy? I guess I've got a thing for the mean, depressed type...
I think I used to be a fun drunk. I am a drunk, I know that much. What am I going to do about it? Not a damn thing. Even though I hate the way it tastes. Every time it reaches my tongue I was to run to the sink and spit it out. But I never do. As usual, my classes today were absolutely horrible…I don't know why I'd even bother teaching here if not for the fact that I could never get another job and I need the money. That complete idiot Potter through some brilliant stroke of staggering genius actually managed to plaster some pond scum on the walls and didn't even offer to clean it up. He just stood there staring at me like, "Well, what are you going to do about it?" I gave him detention and made him clean it up while I watched. I think he saw me drink some of the bourbon I've been keeping in my desk. Oh well. He's actually not as bright as Draco, in my personal opinion. They did about the same on their O.W.L.s. Slytherins always have to prove themselves to get any recognition. And they're ambitious anyway, so it's a vicious cycle. I was never really ambitious, so I don't know why they put me in Slytherin. I couldn't make a friend to save my life so I suppose that rules me out from Hufflepuff. Couldn't make a friend to save my life. Hmm. Moving on, I wonder why not Ravenclaw. I was the smartest Slytherin, but…I wasn't clever. I've never been clever, per se. I never really understood what they meant by clever. I suppose I was just a quick learner with a good memory. Is that clever? I guess Slytherin is where the just dump all of the pure-bloods that they can't think of anything else for. The Sorting Hat just automatically Slytherin. Maybe my ambition was to Avada Kedavra Glenn. And I'm forgetting Gryffindor. I wasn't brave or loyal. Brave…Minerva said that I was brave. Sure. Where the hell is she getting that from? I only did what I had to do to keep from getting killed…saving my own neck, that's not brave…maybe she means going to Dumbledore after I signed up to be a Death Eater. But that's the exact opposite. That was completely motivated by fear. I really don't know where she's getting that from. I don't even know why she bothers with me. I'm really useless when it all comes down to it. I mean, honestly, I'm of no use to anyone. I expect that if I died the students would be ecstatic. The teachers couldn't care less. Not even Minerva, I'll bet. Honestly, she is the most puzzling woman.
I was down at the Three Broomsticks last night picking up a case of firewhiskey. For some reason I always wear this large black cloak that covers most of my face when I go to bars. Rosmerta knows that it's me when I wear that thing, but other people can't usually tell. So, anyways, I figure I might as well have a few drinks while I'm there. I'm having some mulled mead when I hear a voice I know. It was Minerva.
"Headmaster…."
"Yes, Minerva, I know you didn't invite me here mumble mumble."
"Mumble, I'm worried about Severus."
"And mumble?"
"I know he's drinking. Mumble."
"Are you sure?"
"Very sure. And he's been acting mumble mumble."
"You think he's depressed? Severus mumble mumble mumble a little melancholy, but…"
"He thinks mumble mumble hates him. And he's just not happy. What can we do?"
"Well, I'll talk to him if you'd mumble."
"Mumble, thank you. But I don't mumble what that could do."
"It can't hurt. Do you really think so?" I couldn't handle it any more. I wasn't drunk yet. I just went over to their table and pulled my hood off. I was extremely angry.
"Lovely conversation you've been having, Minerva and Albus. Intriguing." Minerva had one hand over her mouth. Dumbledore was obviously trying to remain calm and doing a damn good job. Minerva stood up.
"Oh, Severus, Severus, did you…?" She put some money on the table and ran out in a not-so-graceful manner. Dumbledore gestured to the empty chair. I was just staring at the door, gawking after her. I still sat down.
"Severus, I know you used to have a drinking problem. I thought that was over with. You told me. I believed you to be a man who kept his word." I was planning to smirk, but I was so nonplussed by Minerva's disappearance that I could only stare blankly. Why did I have to drive here away like that? "Are you really depressed?"
"Depressed, what do you mean…"
"From what I've heard, you know it when you have it. You just feel…do you hate yourself? If you do, you really have no reason to." Of course I have reason to, idiot. He started speaking in somewhat softer tones. "Answer me, Severus! Do you enjoy life? Do you like yourself? Are you not drinking?"
"I…I'm not an alcoholic…"
"I wish I could believe that, Severus. You know how to make a Divertium Potion…why haven't you?"
"I can stop without one."
"Then why don't you?" I started looking around. I think people were staring at us.
"I will. I just don't need to deal with that right now." Dumbledore sighed and shook his head.
"I will force you to drink a Divertium Potion every day if I have to."
"You just believe Minerva? You just take her word?"
"I know you're capable of it. I should have been more worried when you had to go to the hospital wing that one time. You were going through a lot then, so I…" I was starting to get angry.
"I'm always going through a lot. You don't understand my past."
"I'm well aware of that. The sacrifices you made in the fight against Lord Voldemort…"
"Not just that, you fool!" He leaned back in his chair. I wish he had reacted more. It would have been helpful. "There's…James and Sirius! Tell me what you did about that!"
"Severus…I never really comprehended the full extent of what they were doing to you. Obviously, I thought it was much more minor than it actually was." I laughed.
"Oh. Well, you knew about the Whomping Willow. They should have been expelled! At least Black!"
"Some of the teachers were pressing for expulsion, but I…"
"You gave him a break because he was a Gryffindor. Or maybe you thought I deserved it?"
"Severus, now you're talking nonsense."
"You've always favored those damn Gryffindors. The Slytherins are the ones who need help. Especially now! These children…their parents are being shipped off to Azkaban, and they have nowhere to turn! Poor Draco Malfoy came to me a while ago, almost in tears, because he didn't know what to do besides be a Death Eater. What are you doing about that, Headmaster?" I finally got a reaction from Dumbledore. He seemed frustrated at himself. It was a little embarrassing to see that emotion from him.
"Part of what you say is all too true, Severus. Maybe I have neglected the Slytherins. Maybe you're right." I just wanted to get back to the castle.
"Headmaster, I need to get back."
"Oh. Right. Of course. We'll talk some more later." I got up and left the Three Broomsticks, completely neglecting my firewhiskey. I have some vodka…maybe I'll use that. If I can find it.